To feel threatened by OW

[Preear]

I have lost all of my confidence since ex left me for somebody else. We have 2 kids who are 4 and 7 and they have just been on holiday with them and my son is now crying because he kisses dad (he is 4) my daughter however said it didn’t feel right being on holiday without me. I am so worried that this woman is going to my place. I can’t afford to take them on holiday etc and I don’t want another man right now (it’s only been 5 months since we split) somebody tell me to get a grip

Are just saying this to make me feel better? The women I have read about are still miserable 6 years later. Sorry if I sound defeated I’m not usually like this I’m just hurting a lot

@Preear I'm really sorry you are going through this, OP - it is horrendous. But, as others have said, you will come out of this stronger and happier. It just takes time and it hurts a lot.

My exDP left me for an OW 7 years ago now - he barely knew her and they moved in together with my DC, who was 10 at the time, plus the OW’s 4 kids (from two exDHs) within two months of him moving out! So, my DC was forced, not only to go on holiday with the OW, but to live with her and her kids half the time! To make matters worse, they managed to rent a luxury house very cheaply despite the fact neither was working (long story). It was very hard. Like you, I felt threatened by the OW and I cried every time I dropped DC off there. However, I suppose you could say that karma got to my exDP in the end. She didn’t pay for anything - basically lived off of him - then dumped him less than a year later for another victim.

In any case, I agree that 5 months is far too early to even introduce a new partner to your children, far less go on holiday together or live together. OW will never replace you though.

It is totally normal to lose your confidence when someone cheats on you like this. My self-esteem was totally destroyed and I still can't trust men at all. Counselling helped quite a lot and if you haven't already tried it, it might be a good idea. I am a lot happier and stronger now and am glad I am not with my exDP.

She doesn't sound great either

Sounds like op found out 5 months ago, but the OW has been in the picture quite a bit longer. I imagine she is younger and naive.

God no! Six bloody years?! Six months and you will be in a far better place than now. You will have had enough time to really appreciate your new independent life.

I promise you that happy days are coming.

No, I’m saying it because he sounds particularly unpleasant and it’s my experience that when a marriage ends, the more unpleasant a spouse is, the more likely the other spouse is to eventually start seeing them for who and what they truly are, and then feeling relief that they don’t have to put up with them anymore. And it’s going to take time, of course it is. You have to heal first. But you will get there. One day, you’ll think of him and feel absolutely nothing. No love, no pain, no hatred. Just indifference. And then you’ll see him being his obnoxious self and a tiny little feeling of relief will creep over you. And as the pain goes and you realise that this hasn’t killed you, that sense of relief will grow and grow until you are positively grateful for having gone through this, so you’re free to have your future.

And if someone had told me that when I was in your position, I wouldn’t have believed them in a million years. The pain was so bad it was actually physical. But now, I thank my lucky stars and I wouldn’t change a thing.

Op, do you work? Are you ok with access to money for the next few months? Do you have support nearby ? Family/ friends ?

You will not be replaced, you are their mum, and please don't think you have to try and out-do them. It is hard but focus on building a life as a family of three and create some memories and traditions that are yours and try and let the rest of it not get to you. It is largely out of your control unless you suspect that the DC are not being treated properly.

And although I completely agree it is too early for him to be playing happy families with another woman and your DC, it is even more painful to see your DC in tears because he is on a holiday with his new family that they were not invited on.

I am ok for money yes.

How you are feeling is completely normal.

Your life has been absolutely turned upside down and now your having to co parent in a situation you never imagined.

Its hard not to be insecure and jealous. But you need to flip it totally on its head and focus on every single thing that is in your control now. One of the worst parts of co parenting is coming to terms with the fact your children will have a childhood that to an extent you cant influence fully.

That includes accepting that you will need shore up your emotional strength to be their balance, security and calm. With an outlet to express your frustration. Because you will have plenty.

Moving on is a choice though. Holding on to anger, betrayal, allowing your self confidence and self esteem to stay low is now all yours to change. If you allow it to fester you are literally handing over your life, your experiences, your ability to make plans, to find joy and happiness to be dictated by two people who arent wasting a minute of their life worrying about you.

Dont let that happen.

My dd father, left after having an affair moved in with her and her child. I thought it would kill me and for along time it did.

Until the day I woke up and said fck this shit. Im sick of being miserable because im thinking about them.

I have a great life, im married have more kids, my career is great, I have great friends.

But it all started from saying fck this. Every single time I started to obsess, think about it I would say fck this shit and get up and move.

Its radical acceptance. Acknowledging its happen, its shit and you cant change it. So what can you change? Dont miss out precious moments of your kids childhood wrapped up in sadness and bitterness.

And they may last who knows, but they are absolutely shocking shit parents putting kids together so quickly in these circumstances. He s a piss poor father whos desires and wants come before his kids wellbeing. Clearly they werent ready.

But there isnt any point talking to him about it. He wont care and it will be your fault.

Spend time listening to podcasts on healthy co parenting.

Read books that interest you. Find a song that up lifts you and play it a million times a week to make you feel good.

Cry when you feel like it then shake it off.

Spend your time with your kids doing things you enjoy. Make new routines at home. Small things that all of you can use as anchors. Let them express their feelings and if you think they need it get them some support.

It wont always feel like this if you make a choice for it not to.

Its horrible and soul destroying now but there can be real resilience found in the hardest moments of your life.

What if it he has had all of my best years?

He hasn't.

This is exactly what I mean. Your in your 30s you could live to 90.

If you really tell yourself that the years you spent with him are the best you ll ever have that's what it will be.

Your are literally writing a self fulfilled prophecy.

Your kids have so much of their childhoods to live.

You can be living a completely different life 5 years from now.

I was 50 when I met my now partner. After 20 years of marriage. Best years are just the years when life’s good for you and you have more best years to come in your life.

OP, I felt the same way when my exH. I grieved for the future we had planned and felt my life was over. Little did I know what life had in store. And I was 50! Your life won’t always feel the way it does now.

How long did it take you to get over it?

My ex left me for a woman with a lot of money and they took them to Florida, Spain, Italy etc.

Their favourite holiday that the tv talk about 30 years later is a caravan in Ingoldmells with me. Because they felt relaxed and comfortable and trusted me 100%.

Kids are not stupid. They know who has their best interest at heart 😊

After 18 months I felt that I would be happy to remain single forever. I picked up a couple of new hobbies which helped soothe my mind.

After 2 years, a friend suggested I go on a date with a friend of hers and we hit it off immediately.

It’s a very hard thing to go through but you’ll get through it. Promise. 💐

I think you are really underestimating the emotional effects on the children.
This isn't about the OP feeling jealous etc. it's utterly confusing for the children.
It's stealing their sense of security in their family.

I've just found a Premier Inn at South Mimms for £36 for a family room. Short drive to Barnet tube, day in London!

I'm going to give you some tough love, OP, so pin back your lugholes

What you say is bllcks.

Your "best years" are still to come.🙂

I was divorced at 30 and met my second husband when I was 42.

We've been together for 15 years and he's worth 1000x the first ahole I was married to.

I never thought I'd find a good man but I did.

So hang on in there, because the good times will come x

YOU decide what your best years are going to be. Not him.

It absolutely would not "achieve the emotional protection of her children". It would do the absolute opposite. Children are often only adversely affected by separation and big life changes if there are high levels of parental conflict. By suggesting the op "kicks off" you are literally suggesting she actively harms her children.

She's not a stranger to the other person who has parental responsibility for the child. YOU have absolutely no say or control over who your child's other parent introduces your child to. It's one of the hardest parts of parenting post separation. But it's a fact.

This is not my experience as a child of divorce but I appreciate your POV.

Are just saying this to make me feel better? The women I have read about are still miserable 6 years later. Sorry if I sound defeated I’m not usually like this I’m just hurting a lot

OP I was in a relationship for over a decade. We had our baby then weeks later, he buggered off and a few months afterwards, he got her pregnant. I felt like I couldn't breathe for so long, I've never been through anything so difficult. They are very well off whereas I was struggling for money due to not being able to work full time or anything. Meanwhile, they bought a lovely house together a year after getting together.

I honestly thought that was my fate, to be lonely, skint and a struggling single mum forever. I was depressed, overweight, didn't take care of myself, i was constantly stressed. I'm 3 years down the line now. In the past year, I thought fuck this. So for the past few months, I've really worked on myself. I've started a postgraduate course which will increase my earning and career potential. I've had a complete glow up - lost a load of weight, strength training, eating well and been doing therapy for a few months now. I am in such a better place. His new partner seems ecstatic with her lot however I know that this 'new me' who is absolutely fine really gets to my ex. The more I improve, the more bitter he gets towards me. And I just keep caring less and less about him. I'm not saying every day is easy, it does still hurt, what he did to me and my child. But really, I'm fine, when I thought I would never be again. And you will be too, I promise.