To feel threatened by OW

[Preear]

I have lost all of my confidence since ex left me for somebody else. We have 2 kids who are 4 and 7 and they have just been on holiday with them and my son is now crying because he kisses dad (he is 4) my daughter however said it didn’t feel right being on holiday without me. I am so worried that this woman is going to my place. I can’t afford to take them on holiday etc and I don’t want another man right now (it’s only been 5 months since we split) somebody tell me to get a grip

OP the OW will never replace you. I am a step mum to a 13 year old, and have DS(5) of my own. (I was NOT the OW). Being a mum and a step mum is completely different IME. I will never replace my step son’s mother and I wouldn’t want to. Kids are smart and they know the difference. You are their mum and they love you, they can’t love her the same way they love you. You can’t be replaced. Simply because no one else is you.

Be kind to yourself. ❤️

This.

OP you are their mother ,they're not going ti replace you- he might have and I think your transferring the feeling of him replacing you to the kids might do but don't, because your kids are your kids. He's a twat.
Keep doing you because you sound like a lovely mum whose doing her best and the kids are still Adjusting to dad being gone and for him to go on holiday with gf to add mire change in is such a negative on him. Not you.

Legally I can’t stop that.

You can actually, or at least challenge it in court. He needs your permission to take them abroad (unless he has a lives with order and it doesn't cut into your contact time - which i suspect isn't the case)

But it wouldn't be the right thing to do really, you might want to take them in future and although i think him taking them with his new bit on the side is gross, it would only be the kids that missed out as no doubt he's still go!

There's an organisation that offers help and support for families undergoing a breakup
https://www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-a-z-mental-health-guide/divorce/
They specialise in help for children, but they also help the 'left behind' partners

You ex needs to get a grip, who takes their children away with new gf after only 5 months? Thats shocking, they shouldn’t have even met her yet, that’s beyond irresponsible on his part. You sound well rid op.

Absolutely nobody will replace their mummy. It must be hard for you.

She cannot take your place. You are their Mum!

OP, do you have family or friends who would welcome you and DC for a few days holiday?

My niece used to bring her three under-10s to stay with me for a few days in the summer. Not in a holiday resort — it was a deprived part of London! But had a park and a leisure centre nearby and of course the exciting tube to other interesting places.

They loved it, and so did I.

Op, they are young and, if money is tight, they would be perfectly fine and full of memories without expensive holidays.

Mine was taken to swim with dolphins in the Caribbean but if you asked him what was his favourite holiday, he would say it was the one he spent in Scarborough playing with other children and using his mum’s collection of 2p coins in the arcades.

We spent a lot of time at the beach, or walking on hills and forests several times a month, but we hardly ever spent the nights away. Catering was provided by Boots Meal Deals.

On the issue of the youngest crying for his dad and your DD saying she doesn’t feel right going on holiday without you… it is difficult, but you need to be the mum, manage expectations, and help them to get used to the new situation. I know it is not fair or what it should be, but if you don’t, they would suffer more as they would keep expecting that if they push enough things will change and you know that is not on your hands… or theirs ☹️

sending you a heartfelt hug, it feels dreadful in the first months, you may be still in shock but I can assure you that one day you are going to look back at the time you spent with him and be grateful that he cleared off. I’m sure being a cheater was not his only problem…

Taking his kids on holiday with the new woman after a mere 5 months is weird af

I'm sorry OP. Please be reassured that you will never be replaced by your children.

They're young and it is easy to bride children, by spoiling them. You're there every day.

Its a crap situation. I would absolutely hate it too.

Have your finances been resolved and is he paying you enough? It doesn't seem right that he is able to afford holidays and you can't

There is a premier inn in Weston right next to the beach is really cheap if you pre book we do it often for a cheap break on our own

You say you can’t afford to take them on holiday. Get those Sun vouchers found/saved.

When mine were little, I saved for a 10 day all inclusive sunshine holiday. Played on the beach, in the pool etc. 6 month later, took them on a cheap sun newspaper break in Scotland. They both said it was the best holiday ever. So we did caravan holidays every year for the next 10 year. Cosy movie nights with snacks, play park or pool whenever they wanted, built sandcastles on the beach (coats & woolly hats somedays)& picnics everyday. They still talk fondly of those holidays. You don’t have to spend lots to have a fabulous time. Time, fun & no stress. The more you spend, the more pressure there is for it to “be worth it”.
No one will ever replace you as Mum… ever.

A four and seven year old can have more fun making indoor tents with bedsheets over a table, or making homemade pizza/ice cream sundaes or a zillion other simple and cheap amusements with a parent, as with any expensive trip.

You don't need to compete for or buy your children's affection. You are already far closer to them than anyone else. You already have their affection.

Op I don’t necessarily believe in karma either but I do believe in any situation that the person who’s wronged will go through a period of self reflection and analysis that they will come out of a better person. I’m sure you’ve gone through a hyper analytical phase where you have questioned everything about your marriage and previous relationships and wondered what you’ve done wrong (please don’t blame yourself!) and really thinking and learning about yourself, relationships and how best to protect your children’s mental health. I can guarantee your husband won’t go through any such process. He has literally had a new relationship handed to him on a plate, his children slot in and it’s clear already that he isn’t making any development emotionally. He hasn’t even considered his children’s feelings. There may be distrust between the couple once the newness of the relationship becomes less exciting when they realise they are with people lacking in empathy who are capable of carrying out great deceptions.

I was where you were 6 years ago (although it was an emotional affair) and I really feel like a better person and mother now while my ex has no relationship with the dc because he acted on a whim, blamed me for everything and didn’t develop any self awareness. I won’t deny we didn’t have problems in our marriage, but now I’m with dp I feel I know how to communicate and I have become a lot more self aware and able to talk and listen to my kids and dp. Meanwhile exh didn’t go through that grieving process and is still on his own and is spending hundreds of pounds trying to bribe his indifferent children to like him because he doesn’t know how to do it on an emotional level.

Op you will get through this and you will be amazing.

Jesus OP you don't need to get a grip, you are human; this is an entirely normal reaction.

And yes you will come out stronger and you will be happier because you'll only be pleasing yourself and your kids now instead of some self centred, immature, insecure dickhead.

Also the chances of things going well with these two are minimal because only fucking assholes would think this is a good idea.

I was not OW, I met DH two years after he'd split from his kids' mother. It was her choice, she didn't love him anymore and wanted out. She was very vocal about the fact she was happy he had met somebody else.

And the first time she arrived at the house I invited her in and I still felt bloody awful for her because I thought no matter what way the situation evolved it must feel weird to see your own children and the man you once loved playing house with a strange woman.

Stop giving yourself a hard time. You have suffered enough at their hands without joining in on the abuse yourself.

And nobody will ever replace you with your kids. They love you more than life.

That a nice idea, but OP actually can't stop her children spending time with her. Unless there isn a safeguarding issue and she's happy to go to court over that.

Just to add to this point, my nephews absolutely love staying in any hotel that has a key card to let them into the room.

Not 5 star fancy holidays abroad. They're more than happy with a cheap Premier Inn as long as they can tap a card to let themselves in the room with!

It's fine for the DC to miss their Daddy now they're home. I think it's a good thing actually as it does mean that he's been good to them.

No matter how fun, nice or exciting the OW is, she'll never be you. You'll always be the one they come running too when they're ill, sad or just want a cuddle.

My dad used to have a changing roll of girlfriends - my mum was the one at home looking after us

I would say one thing - it's actually really important for your children to see you over the longer term recover and put yourself first. They need you to live your life and show them its possible.

But that does not mean not being heartbroken right now!

just that you also can put yourself first

Huge hug lovely. The intensity of this feeling passes. OW will be on best behaviour with the kids playing step mum.

Your ex is an asshat going on holiday and introducing another woman to the children so soon.

It was like this for me - now OW makes herself scarce when kids are around as the novelty has worn off, and I enjoy my child free time when they are with "the baby sitters".

You will never be replaced. You are no.1, always.

Op you'll be fine! Trust me, been there with my own lying cheating scumbags in the past. It fades. You will never be replaced as their mum.

Make some memories with the kids. Take them to a new town and stay overnight in a hotel and they'll think it's great.

Also even if the majesty of Jolly Miss New Boobs never wears off for your ex you'll be safe in the knowledge that he's still a scumbag and she's stuck with a scumbag and will forever wonder if he'll do the same to her.

People don’t get choices in these things!

OP could raise hell all she likes but if wouldn’t stop him.

There’s no way OP should be made to feel even slightly responsible for her ex’s behaviour.

OP I had a traumatic childhood and there was no money to the extent of sometimes having toast for dinner etc.

However my mum would walk us to the park with a flask and butties and those little picnics were the best times of my childhood.

I still love picnics 😊

OP, 5 months is no time at all so take it easy on yourself. You have every right to be pissed, given how incredibly irresponsible your ex is being.

I also agree with @twistedwonder. You are their mom, and cannot be replaced. Given your ex and his new partner are so wanton, your children will know you are the person showing the most care, maturity and stability, and will appreciate that at a time when so much is changing 💐.

Both of them sound vile, I would be questioning the common sense and morals of OW who thought it was appropriate to go on holiday with the dc 5 months after you separated.

Don’t worry OP, the tart probably feels smug for now but he’ll cheat on her too. They always do!