To feel threatened by OW

[Preear]

I have lost all of my confidence since ex left me for somebody else. We have 2 kids who are 4 and 7 and they have just been on holiday with them and my son is now crying because he kisses dad (he is 4) my daughter however said it didn’t feel right being on holiday without me. I am so worried that this woman is going to my place. I can’t afford to take them on holiday etc and I don’t want another man right now (it’s only been 5 months since we split) somebody tell me to get a grip

My husband left for another woman almost five years ago. I am only just now starting to feel better about myself/the situation.

Our children have never met her, so it's a lot easier than your situation in that respect. I would really have struggled with that 5 months post split (and would still struggle now tbh) so you're absolutely not being unreasonable.

Over the last 5 years, I've found the "advice" from people who haven't had their husbands leave them for another women, to be really unhelpful and unrealistic. Only one friend, who was sadly in an identical situation, really understands how I feel about it all, so I tend to stick to discussing it with her.

I wish you all the best xx

No one can replace Mother. No one.

Having fun on a trip is light entertainment, nothing all that deep. Also, keep in mind your kids will almost certainly know that their father and his equally immoral girlfriend broke up their home and that huge stain on him/them is permanent.

Anyway, the new gruesome twosome most likely won't even be together anymore in a year's time. Partnerships that start out as affairs don't have a very good track record.

I hope you will start using the time when your ex has the kids to enjoy a break from childcare duties, pamper yourself, do something you enjoy.

So sorry your ex turned out to be such a giant disappointment. :(

I did tell him I didn’t agree. What he does with them in his time I can’t control. Them being away playing happy families felt like I was being continuously stabbed in the heart, I had to put my feelings aside and try to remember that the kids will have a great time.

Following on from the comment about premier inn, try going on a Sunday night if possible to any hotel. Room rates are lowest on a Sunday so ideal if cash is tight.

You have a lot more power and agency in this situation than you think OP.

You can absolutely refuse for your children to meet her and I would have refused to send them on this holiday because in this case the emotional harm caused is greater and more important than building sandcastles.

Get some fight in you!!!!! You are worth so much more than this!!!

I agree. You are a much better parent than he is OP. You are putting your children's needs first and foremost. He's putting his own wants first.

I don’t think I do. He will start questioning if I am just jealous and bitter and that I don’t want the kids to see their dad. When I disagreed about the holiday he said who are you punishing here, the kids? He is horrible

He sounds like a horrible bastard op.

No one will ever take your place.

So sorry you are going through this. As a pp up thread mentioned - karma will come.

Karma isnt real though is it? I wish it was

Completely understandable how you feel - go easy on yourself. I agree with the others who think your ex is being a twat playing happy families with the OW so soon. The cynic in me thinks it won't last, it's just to impress her with what a great dad he is right now.

Also, I've been on the other side of this - the kid who was taken away with my dad's (interchangeable) girlfriends. I never cared a jot about any of them and always wondered why he insisted on bringing them along. Don't worry OP, you'll never be replaced in your kids' hearts.

And wiser x

I feel for you. Karma may or may not come. And actually you will likely never see it anyway. People said the Karma thing to me over and over again when my husband left me for someone else, and all I saw, and still see is them having the time of their lives! What actually helped me was to stop worrying about them and start thinking about me and what would make me and my child happy. Start making my life the best it could be, as that is actually all I can control. It seems like it will never happen in the beginning. I ended up in a two bedroom rented flat, with my daughter and it felt like the end of the world from what we came from. BUT it wasn't. I started to realise how controlled i had been. The weekend after we first moved in i went and bought 11 scatter cushions because I was never 'allowed' them before. i could go to bed at 9pm and watch tele. I could bring my daughter up how I liked when I was with her. If you can afford it get some counselling, it really does help. See if there are any divorce or separation groups near you, I got into one and it was brilliant. Don't sit around waiting for 'karma'. The best Karma is you living your best life. You are in control even though it doesnt feel like it now. I am now engaged to someone else and have a house with a garden which I own. When we moved my daughter and i danced around the garden singing 'our house' which is something my ex would have said was stupid. There is light at the end of the tunnel I promise.

She also has a 10 year old son. I think he has met quite a few men, she was with somebody in their mid 50’s before my ex and apparently he treated her like shit. We are early 30’s, not like it’s any of my business but somebody in their kid 50’s wouldn’t be somebody I would go for now

You’re not punishing your kids you’re protecting them.

If it were me I’d tell him to take me to court for a court ordered custody agreement and until that’s in place my children would not be going on any holidays or meeting any other women.

You do have so much power than you think OP but I think you’ve probably been so ground down by so many years of him treating you like shit you’ve started to believe him and his bullshit.

You are a good mum. You are a good person. You are worth more than this.

She clearly has no morals. What kind of woman is on holiday with their cheating partner and his kids after he left his wife 5 months ago? A very desperate one.

Hold your head up.

She will never replace you, but it feels rather quick if you were only away as a family in August, that's six months! He has been irresponsible on multiple levels and selfish! Sorry for what you are going through.

You could get a family membership to the National Trust - works out about £8 a month for adult and 2 children. Look at where you can go and book a cheap B&B or premiere in for some little breaks away. Or even the Haven caravan holidays can be fun you can do long weekends, mon - fri, etc, and there's plenty to do and plenty to entertain the kids.

You get on with your life and say a big F You to him and his OW. This will also hurt him so win win. Because lets face it, the last thing they want to see is you getting on with life and 'surviving' without them.

It depends what you mean by "Karma"?

All I know is that people who go around pulling dirty rotten tricks on other people eventually come unstuck. That's because they are crappy people and they attract other crappy people. 🙂

Wow - five months is pretty quick to be doing a 'family' holiday with the OW.

You are completely justified to feel the way you do. It's like the ExH and the OW 'carry on as normal' - just without you. And there often seems to be a rush to create shiny new experiences with the shiny new OW.

The first time the OW met my three children she told them how much she loved them.🙄

You will always be their mum, the one that does the school runs, the phonics, the homework the packed lunches, the playdates, the sleepovers the hobby runs etc. Judging on the rush to take the kids on a 'family' holiday, he's setting himself up to be quite the Disney dad.

Please start asserting some boundaries. I was far too amicable and I'm still paying the price now, 12 years later.

@Preear
In your opening post, I assume you mean that your son misses his dad, not "kisses"? Sorry, it just cofused me for a bit.
No way am I going to tell you to "get a grip" either. If anyone does, I will punch them on your behalf😡
I would feel exactly the same as you. You haven't just "lost" your ex, you've lost the life that you had as a family, and the future you thought you were going to have. Splitting up is hard enough without the OW being thrust into your kids' lives.
I truly think this is a kind of bereavement. Bereavement isn't just about someone you love dying - it's also the grief you can feel about the loss of someone or something very important to you. Like a relationship ending, a loss of good health, or a job you loved. If you can think of it that way then hopefully you won't beat yourself up for feeling as you do.
Please take good care of yourself and your children, you deserve it

You’ll never be replaced 💐. But the best thing for you and your children would be to seek counseling so you can rebuild your self-esteem, co-parent amicably and live your life in a way that sparks joy and peace. You don’t need the negative baggage. Do the things that make you happy. Spend quality time with your children and, cheesy as it sounds, making your own memories. You could even repaint or redecorate the way you like things. If it helps make you feel better, you could start a new hobby, go to the gym once a week, get a makeover, buy some new clothes etc. as a little something just for you. Staycations, road trips, picnics, long walks, cinemas, museums, art gallery exhibitions etc. are all things you can do without having to break the bank. And it’s ok to reassure your children that you’ll be ok and they can have fun without you so they don’t feel anxious about upsetting you if they do happen to enjoy their trips with their father.

Yes. And without needing to say anything, your children will realise what a heartless dickhead their dad has been when they’re older. And how strong you were in keeping it together.

I bet your son was crying for you too whilst they were away, maybe even more so as this relative stranger might have been trying to comfort him. Maybe even if his dad comforted him there'd still be the distance if him not being the resident parent so there being a gap there, especially if he was focused on being Disney dad and not normal dad.

Please don't worry or beat yourself up, it's normal to feel that way but they will never ever replace you.

Yes with bunk beds and junk food. Literally the crappest places kids love. Just out do him. Also I wouldn’t even have let him take them out of the country if I could’ve helped it. He shouldn’t be taking them on holidays with a new gf.