To feel threatened by OW

[Preear]

I have lost all of my confidence since ex left me for somebody else. We have 2 kids who are 4 and 7 and they have just been on holiday with them and my son is now crying because he kisses dad (he is 4) my daughter however said it didn’t feel right being on holiday without me. I am so worried that this woman is going to my place. I can’t afford to take them on holiday etc and I don’t want another man right now (it’s only been 5 months since we split) somebody tell me to get a grip

Wait till the OP and her tribe to call you the OW 🍿

Lots and lots of mums are NOT special. Lots of mums put their own emotional needs above those of their children. Mums are just female human parents. We are as special and irreplaceable as our behaviour allows.

OP, you're doing ok. If you can face the negative posters who want to tell you you're wrong and deserve shit for ending a relationship as your H was off with OW then you're a strong person. There will always be posters happy just to say an OP is wrong just to stir things.
Keep your head held high, be there for your DCs.

Lots and lots of mums are NOT special. Lots of mums put their own emotional needs above those of their children. Mums are just female human parents. We are as special and irreplaceable as our behaviour allows.

True, however I think younger children love their mother, regardless of their behaviour, they will want mother to be kinder, supportive, but generally don't start recognising selfish behaviour until they're teenagers or older and even then, its hard to accept a mother was shit.
In this case, the OP adores her children, hence the fear and concerns

When he asked "who are you punishing, the kids?" the answer is "no I am protecting them from further heartache"

What was I supposed to do, stay in a relationship where I was treated like absolute shit and was left to do everything on my own? Maybe as I’m guessing he will say when the kids are older that I ended it so I was in the wrong.

I work with many, many adult children of separated parents. Lots of them are deeply resentful of the way their parents handled the separation and their co-parenting relationship. Lots of them felt that their parents hated the other parent more than they loved them.

ALL children who have experienced the love of two parents want those parents to get along. If they can't get along then they want them to :

• Keep conflict to a bare minimum
• Never fight in front of them
• Never try to make them love one parent over the other
• Never bad mouth, name call or pass on negative messages about the other parent. Children absorb this as criticism of themselves.
• Allow them to be children and keep doing the fun, cool things kids get to do without the burden of their parents issues.

In your case OP - you both decided that your children should go on the holiday. The children are confused. You might regret that decision. But what exactly do you want to happen now? What do you want him to do?

Why does it still have to be about right and wrong, months down the line?

OPs relationship was clearly over. It ended. Her XP has moved on quickly and she hasn’t.

Of course your DD will think it odd to be on holiday with her dad and another woman, it’s the first time. I would frame everything as positively as possible for the DC, and work on building your own fabulous new life, rather than wasting time pondering on why he does whatever he does.

Oh you're back? And I don't think this poster started a thread about being an affair partner (unlike you), so there is no reason for anyone to call her a/the OW. Unlike you.

You’re right, I can’t really change anything so trying to work out why is pointless. I would never have him back so it’s just wasted energy. I need to focus on my kids and their happiness now. I have put so much effort into making the beautiful little people they are now and I don’t want things like this messing it up

Change of subject but I want to take the kids away for a night, I’m in the manchester area. Any recommendations?

I don’t become an affair partner just by asking questions. Just to be clear, I have never had an affair, emotional or physical, I have not even had a cup of tea with another woman’s man. You seem to be totally delusional, assuming everyone with a different view point to be a OW.

You should just fold it in and FO.

Hey, absolutely nothing wrong in ending it. I would have ended it too.

What I’d like to tell you is, pls don’t let his choices, his life, his happiness etc impact you negatively. Focus on yourself, things that you can control and become happier. You need to heal, become a happy person.

In the meanwhile, your ex might marry this woman, they might have children, or she could turn out to be the best partner he could ever hope for. So what? You need to stay strong and focus on yourself. Think of how you/children can benefit from the situation. Ask ex and his GF to take to kids out and you could use the time to relax.

As others on this thread pointed out, try to be a good mum to your kids (I’m not saying you are not - I don’t have enough info to conclude either way, so just putting it out there). I know it’s human to have good days and bad days, but don’t forget to tell your kids EVERYDAY how much you love them. Give them hugs and kisses often. Give them small things wrapped as presents (a chocolate bar, small toy, a ping pong ball etc). They will fondly remember getting these little surprise presents in childhood. Making good memories is cheap. Go for it !!

Do this for a few months, you won’t feel threatened by his GF or anyone!

It’s just that you made out it was all my fault because I ended it. He engineered it that way so he didn’t look the bad guy.

It’s not your fault; it was your choice to separate. Choices come with consequences. Single mom life isn’t easy, it can get overwhelming, while men seem to easily go and find another partner and start again! women generally pay a bigger price for separation/divorce. That’s just how the world works.

You stopped having sex with him, told him you don’t love him and asked him to leave (you have your reasons). Why would anyone stay after this? It’s over when you said that. This is not someone else’s fault, it’s a consequence of your choices about how you dealt with the problem. (Again, nothing wrong - you can choose to do whatever you like) but Have you tried to repair the marriage/ relationship counselling? Anyway, you kicked him out. Just because he moved on quickly, his GF doesn’t become the OW.

If you gave up on the relationship already, how does his GF become a home breaker? How does it matter? Would you get back with him if he was single? What if he doesn’t want to?

Does it really matter if you were still living in the same house when that new relationship started, when in reality your marriage may have ended months before he actually moved out?? Things don’t get to a breaking point overnight!

I feel like you are completely missing the point. How could I have possibly stayed when I was being treated like shit. Why would assume women end up worse off after divorce? That is not always the case at all, not if the man is half decent, but why would you divorce them in the first place if they were. How could I have sex with somebody who treated me so badly? Force myself? I don’t think so. You are either a man or feel guilty for being a home wrecker. You keep saying you are leaving this thread and then come back!

Op - you might be in pain but resorting to name-calling is shit. @Newname85 has been pretty gracious on this thread.

Just read your own posts, @Preear

Either you are too heartbroken to think straight or if you have this attitude in real life, we can all see why your man was happy to leave you.

You accused me of being an OW, you accused your ex’s GF of being an OW! Is that what your world is like? what title would you give someone like yourself?

“That is not always the case at all, not if the man is half decent, but why would you divorce them in the first place if they were”

Incompatibility
Wanting different things in life
Changed personalities

There could be many more reasons. But here are some valid reasons for two perfectly decent people to decide to separate.

Of course you will :-) stay strong girl xx

I am heartbroken yes but not for the reasons you think.

you surely can’t think that because I ended it I deserved to be treated that way?

it wasn’t a decision, I was forced, and obviously what predicted was right as they are together pretty much instantly. It’s the way the have gone about the kids that hurts, they have been through enough

You would know all about that!! 😂

How have they treated you badly ?

Are you saying taking the kids out on a holiday is like treating you badly?

I really don’t see why you should have a problem with it - She was nice to the kids and the kids came back happy! What exactly does this have to do with you ?

Are you financially independent, @Preear ? What is worrying you so much?

No she hasn't??! She's well rude!

And goady.