To not want the funeral filmed

[Uniquely187]

Asking on behalf of DH.

Mil has sadly died. A family member wants to film the funeral for those who can't attend to watch. DH doesn't want this. Feels its a private event and not for viewing entertainment.

Sil wants it filmed as she feels it's important for those who can't attend to feel part of the day.

Do DHs feelings trump sil?

So if your far flung relative is unable to fly to attend you parents' funerals (which I hope it a long time from now) and the place holding the service has a live streaming service which those relative wish to take advantage of, you would regard that as unsupportive and disrespectful?
I have never been aware of a blinking camera at live streamed services.

Depends what happens at the funeral I guess. A standard send-off probably wouldn't interest many, but should anything even slightly unusual happen they could easily find themselves plastered all over social media ... it's happened many times before and will doubtless happen again

As for nobody observing a funeral as "entertainment" - I wish

We did my Grandmothers funeral my cousins live in the US and Australia - it would be more than a day for them so live streaming was perfect for them.

we don’t live in a world where everyone lives close enough for it to be just a day - it wasn’t entertainment it was being able to say goodbye and gain closure

We streamed my aunt and uncle's joint funeral for the benefit of her brother in Australia. It meant so much to him and to my dad, and he could not have done the journey. Technology is a good thing in this case and brings people who care together. It can honestly be done in a respectful and discreet way.

He then had quite a few chats on Zoom with people at the lunch afterwards, but then it was a rather informal funeral and a rare family get-together.

My dad's was recorded, and the link only shared with those who were unable to make it.
It only captured the alter and lectern so no shots of anyone grieving.

But then we had got the tears out at the crematorium before the funeral service in church. It's different when it's all in one I think.

I dint think anyone wins, whatever choice is made.

The compromise here would be for the funeral to be live streamed and the stream available for a certain amount of time after the funeral so that people can watch it if they can't attend. It could be done by the funeral directors. Most of them offer this now.
I have watched a couple of family members funerals on the live stream because I'm abroad and it wasn't possible to get back. It was meaningful for me to be there and to hear the eulogies and prayers etc.
It's not always possible for everyone to be there who would like to be there because of other commitments, ill-health, disability, living abroad etc. so I think it is good to offer them the opportunity to watch now that we have the technology to do so easily.

@Puzzledandpissedoff That's exactly what worried me, especially with the funeral being available for anyone to watch, no access code required. I know a neighbour's recent funeral in a crematorium could be viewed for about 24 hours afterwards via an access code but FILs funeral at the church was available for anyone to watch for about 2 weeks after. I once attended a funeral where the deceased's wife threw herself onto the coffin, extremely upset. She had to be guided away gently and it was heartbreaking to see. I'd have hated that to be freely available online for someone to repost, goodness knows where, for laughs.

I can only imagine from your comments that you have never attended a funeral being streamed nor seen a live stream of a funeral. You seem also to be unaware of the importance for many of joining a religious funeral at the time of the ceremony.

Repeatedly describing remote participation in a funeral as "entertainment" is either ignorant or simply goady.

And me? Should i have just sent a card to.my dad and siblings? Or perhaps I should have got on a plane, against my doctors advice as I wad at the end of a high risk pregnancy? Perhaps I just wanted to attend for "entertainment"?

I think you are massively misunderstanding how "intrusive" filming in this sort of situation is. Most people wouldn't even notice it happening. The biggest problem I had with my mums funeral is all the people who wanted to come and "talk" to me through the camera which was awkward long distance, especially as reception wasn't great. But I appreciated the sentiment.

I once attended a funeral where the deceased's wife threw herself onto the coffin, extremely upset. She had to be guided away gently and it was heartbreaking to see

Heartbreaking indeed, @Queenanne20, and I've seen similar happen except with a dad and the treasured daughter he lost

That one was streamed as well, and distressingly I was there when a couple of so-called friends who didn't attend cried "Ooooo he didn't!! Did they get it on the stream?"

Unfortunately some people really are sick ...

I think it's more that I would probably be emotional at my mums funeral and maybe cry at some point.
I would hate all that to be on camera.

Again you are wrong
For the many reasons given, elderly relatives, distance to travel.

My friend in Australia has had many messages and calls, again how very dare you say it's not supportive not to attend. She's had so much support from around the world. She's visited them all over the last few months and is staying at mine now. Do you need me to come on here to explain to you exactly how wrong you are?
Seriously stop being so disgusting

Yes I think ringing and talking is far more supportive than watching a live stream.

But they are two different things. You can ring and talk as well as watch the live stream.

Yes. It was through them calling and talking to me that I realised how much it had meant to her Australian relatives to be able to be part of MIL's funeral.

There's quite an odd lack of logic going on in this thread.

Indeed. All those present support each other but to have watchers is intrusive imo but each to their own obviously.

TBH I've only known one example of this and that was a couple of years ago.

Many of my family's elderly relatives and friends have died recently and some mourners weren't able to attend as they too were old.

I wonder if this is location-dependent?

I did watch my friend's wife's funeral and it felt quite unreal and mawkish TBH.

I sent a letter to him and felt it was better to sit and have a quiet think about her rather than be a remote spectator.

@Gloriia did you have any funerals in COVID times? Do you think people should not have live streamed funerals then?

If you have far flung relatives, elderly relatives who would struggle even with a short journey, but want to pay their respects, I can't see a problem with live streaming.

Surely it's no different from the friends and family who were physically present, witnessing this? I went to the funeral of a colleague's 16 year old. My colleague let out a terrible loud, primal sound at one point. I'll never forget it. But the virtual presence of one of her close relatives would be no more intrusive than my physical presence, surely? Especially as I was not as close to her as the relative?

Personally I'd only give the code to people who were very close to me or to the deceased. There's nothing entertaining or nosy about those few people being part of the funeral.

I know someone whose dad died. He'd walked out on them when quite small.
She wanted to go to his funeral but was aware it could be awkward even though his second family invited her.
She decided to watch on line and got a lot of comfort from that, especially when they mentioned her as a daughter. They got in contact afterwards and she's now got a relationship with her half siblings.

Way hing on line is easier for some people. She wouldn't have felt able to go in person.

Yes they are 2 different things. My point is I bet those adamant watching via cam was very important to show their respects didn't follow it up with offering any kind of actual support.

We were offered loads of support by those who couldn't come and watched on livestream. There were cards, phone calls, flowers etc. Many of them still phone my mother now, four years on.

The world moves on. It's not really a very good argument to insist that in the past people just accepted that some relatives and friends couldn't attend, so we should keep it like this forever more. The facility is there to allow people to watch their loved one's funeral and, personally, I think it's wonderful. To each his own I suppose.

My cousin was unable to attend his own dad's funeral about 20 years ago because he suffered from agoraphobia. Imagine what a difference it could have made to him, being able to hear the eulogy and listen to the music personally chosen by his dad. My mum's funeral was live-streamed a couple of years ago and her brother, who was in his nineties and lived in another part of the country, was able to watch. He contacted me and said how lovely it had been to listen to all the beautiful words about his sister and that it had brought back many happy memories of their childhood. Also, two of her sisters watched as they were too ill to travel. I had no awareness of the camera and the livestream was only mentioned in passing by the minister as he welcomed everyone to the service, including those who couldn't attend in person.

There's absolutely nothing at all to stop anyone from doing both. They are not mutually exclusive, you know.

We got calls from those who watched on livestream. Still do. Contact hasn't broken off. We got cards and flowers too and even ran out of space for them all!

You are really showing yourself to be stuck in the past. You don't want to use livestreaming and that's fine. Don't. Don't be surprised though if someone who isn't able to travel to a funeral you arrange asks whether you are doing it though, so that they can be"there" virtually and involved. It could even be a close family member. Then you can tell them no because you don't believe funerals are entertainment.

Nobody is sitting down with buckets of popcorn to watch a funeral.

‘I bet’ isn’t much of an argument, is it? You are suggesting that the ‘sort of people’ who would watch a livestream are also the ‘sort of people’ who don’t care about the bereaved once the funeral is over. It’s such a nonsensical way of thinking that I can’t even get my head around it. I’m thinking perhaps that makes me the lucky one.