To not want the funeral filmed

[Uniquely187]

Asking on behalf of DH.

Mil has sadly died. A family member wants to film the funeral for those who can't attend to watch. DH doesn't want this. Feels its a private event and not for viewing entertainment.

Sil wants it filmed as she feels it's important for those who can't attend to feel part of the day.

Do DHs feelings trump sil?

You really are full of yourself aren't you? You obviously don't know the first thing about live streaming a funeral and yet you think it "should not be allowed". Who do you think you are? If you don't agree with it then fine, no-one is forcing you to have a family funeral live streamed, but those who have a few more clues than you are allowed to do what they like.

But funerals are traditionally public events

Well, I'm just sharing my views and hopefully someone may think twice when the service provider says live streaming is available. Lots of things become commonplace just because people go along with it.

A very close family member in a different country unable to get home, fine. This sharing of links on sm and anyone clicking to view should really be tightly controlled though.

You have to have a code to join the livestream. It is not just readily available on their website for anyone to see.

And as has been mentioned in a previous posts, funerals are public events anyway.

Nobody is sharing links on social media.

You've been reading this thread all the way through, and it's been made clear throughout that only people given the passcode can watch the streaming. As I understand it the code can only be used by that person. It's not shareable.

I notice you continue to ignore the reality that peopel who ARE close family might not be able to attend. I 100% was "close family" to my mother. When I rang my doctor, again, begging to be "allowed" to go she eventually said to me, " do you reall yhtink yor mother woud approve of you going to her funeral and potentially risking your own and your baby's health to do so?"

I think youre' just digging your heels in now because your world is so small you can't imagine a person who might actuall ynot be able to attend.

As for people who haven't spoke n tp the deceased in months not being there to "pay their respects". You really dont' seem to understand how funerals work do you? The reality is that funerals aren't for the dead, they're for the living. For tloved ones to have some closure. For random people who aren't close to "show respect", These processes, and traditions and ceremonies are all about helping individuals, families and communities to process and deal with loss.

Edited to add: I hadn't seen the most recent post. Your objectives would be more understandbale if you had any understanding of how it works. People don't post funeral links on social media for anyone and everyone, for pity's sake. Nor are camera people wondering the crowd asking for commentary and a quick "20 seconds on your favourite memory of the deceased.". Nor are funerals routinely uploaded to YouTube for random viewing. Objecti f you want, but at least do so with a proper understanding of what's involved.

'I think youre' just digging your heels in now because your world is so small you can't imagine a person who might actuall ynot be able to attend.'

No, I've actually backtracked a bit and accept in exceptional cases like yours where a very close relative cannot attend due to medical reasons then ok yes live stream it for that person.

My point is it should not have become the norm where anyone who can't or won't go been given the option to view remotely.

'Your objectives would be more understandbale if you had any understanding of how it works. People don't post funeral links on social media for anyone and everyone, for pity's sake. Nor are camera people wondering the crowd asking for commentary'

And yet I've seen exactly that, codes shared on Facebook. Also, camera people may not by wondering the crowd however nowadays it's is very common to have several often very emotional eulogies from family and friends, all there getting beamed out to whoever clicked the link.

I watched the funeral online of a loved one who lived overseas.

We were provided with a URL by the funeral directors. The camera was placed at a fixed point at the back of the chapel, with the focus so that we could see the alter, lectern, coffin, flowers & just about the backs only of the attendees. We heard the eulogies & music live, & the still pictures shown during the eulogies were streamed as a pop-up slideshow. The URL also streamed the external portico so we saw the coffin placed in the car & were remotely 'present' as everyone bade their final farewell.

Overall, it was dignified, discreet & very moving. Very professional.

If this is what is meant by filming the funeral, then I would think it OK.

Having someone film freestyle close up is a non starter, it's disrespectful & intrusive. A recipe for emotional disaster.

Your attitude and condescention towards OP is pretty appalling.

Did you ever stop to think perhaps people greiving don't want their pain and grief commited to a tape recording? Mourners have as much right to their privacy as some random person unable to attends right to watch the catch up on iplayer.

If you're unable to attend a wedding well that's tough. Why aren't your memories with the deceased not sufficient enough you absolutely need a video of a casket and a few songs from their singer and some bible passage/poem?

@Gloriia I find your posts really offensive.
I can assure you that I was not prying, as you put it, when I watched my mother's funeral recording.

I'm sorry if I offended you, genuinely.

As I've just said I have backtracked and accept in exceptional cases if you can't attend a parents funeral due to ill health then yes fine but only in very few cases. There is this trend for 'oh I can't go have you got the live stream code?' Which I have actually witnessed and I find it totally inappropriate.

I have no problem with the OP. she asked a question, it's been answered. I do think gloria is being quite small minded. And I found it pretty patronising that perhaps I could have been supportive by just sending a card.

One thing I will say is that I agree with her that if people are sharing random QR codes or sharing on youtube, then yes, I can imagine that can encourage ghouls to attend and it could quickly become a bit icky. Certainly, that has not once been my experience however. Not for my mother and not for the one or two other funerals DH or I have been invited to attend virtually.

Someone filming a shaking video on their phone - no
Offer a respectful live stream - yes

Most chapels offer this and it's discreet so your dh won't notice.

We had relatives in Canada who joined the live link. It was watch once. A few days after the crematorium sent one relative the link to watch it for a period of 7 days to share with people who wished to.

It seems very normal now.

To 'share with people who wished to' and you think that is ok, you don't think deeply personal and emotional eulogies should only be viewed online, if at all, by very close relatives?

Not necessarily. Funerals are open events. Anyone who is interested could have turned up if they lived near by. I'm happy to assume that anyone who is actually interested in watching the event is someone who is actually interested in the person and might have turned up in person if it was possible.

The chances of a random person's funeral being watched by anyone entirely unknown to the deceased or the wider family is highly unlikely. Why would anyone? If they're interested enough in the person to want to hear the eulogy then yes, why shouldn't they? It's an essentially public event open to all anyway.

They shared it on the family WhatsApp group. A link that expires. A niece watched it in Malaysia due to the time difference. We have family all over the world. FIL had over 150 people come to the crematorium - there were many who couldn't make it the day after Boxing Day.

We have trust in the family. We have never had reason to doubt that trust. His widow was fine with it. I don't recall a single person making a comment on it when it was posted on the App. I'm very glad my family are like this. Mumsnet shows it's rare.

The people who provided the link were the ones giving the eulogies. They actually wanted people to know how much their father was admired and loved.

In the days after death and before a funeral there is no benefit in looking for conflict. It's personal choice. If someone in our family had not wanted it then we would have respected it.

Thanks for this. I have found @Gloriia's posts quite offensive too. Pedantic and dogmatic I guess.

Nobody who watched my Dad's funeral on livestream was prying. All were family members who could not travel during lockdown, or who were elderly, infirm or responsible for caring for their own wider family members. Others were close friends who were not allowed into the chapel at the crematorium due to the lockdown number restrictions. So they scattered themselves around the grounds with their iPads and laptops, watched on the livestream link and joined us after the service. We hadn't been expecting that, but it was lovely and very comforting that they made that effort.

Nor were my mother (his widow), my sister and I prying and looking for "entertainment" as you so insultingly put it when we decided to watch the recording (available online for about a week?) before it was taken down. It was a final goodbye to him which we greatly needed and appreciated at the time. It really helped us, but you clearly don't approve.

The more I have thought about some of your remarks the more offensive they have become. Who are you (or indeed, who is anyone at all) to try and tell anyone else that livestreaming was/is wrong?

My mother was not up to speed with what livestreaming was. She was a little unsure at the time when we were planning the funeral. She saw the need though when we and the funeral director explained it. She went with it and was relieved that she did. It was the right thing to do and the only way to include the remaining members of my Dad's wider family.

You cannot possibly know for sure what will be right until you are in the situation. Therefore it would have been better not to have come on here giving blanket statements and arguments about how wrong livestreaming of funerals is.

You have now backpedalled just a bit, but remember something. Whatever you say now may be what you sincerely believe right now, but over years and decades circumstances in any family can change and you may have to adapt more than you think.

'I'm happy to assume that anyone who is actually interested in watching the event is someone who is actually interested in the person and might have turned up in person if it was possible.'

Yes I'd like to assume that too. Sadly you only have to read on Mumsnet that there are many deeply divided families. People can't or won't go because of estrangement, resentments etc. Just seems wrong such a distressing time can be viewed remotely. Links and passwords should be treated with the utmost care and common sense.

'You have now backpedalled just a bit'

I have, I've just said twice that I've backtracked a bit. That is the nature of debate you listen to other people's views and possibly change your own. So yes, a next of kin ill and unable to attend I understand would want to view. Sharing passwords so anyone can globally, no. Imo.

You have friends and belong to FB groups where funeral stream codes are frequently shared with randoms for the lols? That says more about your choice of friends if its remotely true.

Despite the fact the funerals (like weddings) are legally public events I've never even heard of this behaviour - and I've been involved in rather too many in recent years.

Your (many, many) posts have repeatedly made it clear that you don't know how funeral streaming works and you have zero empathy for why it might be helpful. However you dogmatically insist that they "should not" be available other than in special circumstances approved by you.

Very few people share globally. The password and link are yours alone and private.

I wouldn't like broadcasting them online on social media either. Nor can I see anyone on here actively promoting that.

You give your private link and password only to those in need and who you trust. The choice is entirely yours and everything is at your discretion. That's the whole idea of it, which you have (somewhat reluctantly it feels) agreed with.

There are some very aggressive and very touchy people on this thread which given that the subject is death and funerals is really unwarranted. Everyone should have a bit more tolerance and understanding for the fact that people have different views none of which are right or wrong.

It is a perfectly legitimate view point to think that all streaming or all filming of a funeral should not take place and if people are unable to attend that is just bad luck. It is not that strange to think that the close family member might find the thought of it being filmed and streamed intrusive. Just the fact of people far away 'watching' the service is an intrusion.

It is equally a legitimate view point to think that streaming of a funeral is perfectly fine these days and is a good thing for those who can't get there.

It is not fine to be attacking or insulting towards people who's views differ from yours.

No, most posters are describing their practical experience and if it was positive or negative for them and their relatives.

One or two posters who plainly have no actual experience of what is involved in funeral streaming and who seem to regard it as akin to a wedding video put up on Instagram are being dogmatic and/or tone policing those who are describing their actual experiences.

Oh and in the UK (well England and Wales at least) funerals and weddings are legally public events - anyone can turn up. Both are listed publicly as upcoming events at the relevant registry, religious building or crem.

The actual events are not private and nor should they need to be. Streams are temporary and not public unless the family chooses to make them so.
Grief and joy are both normal and do not need to be hidden away as somehow shameful and "not nice".