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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want the funeral filmed

313 replies

Uniquely187 · 25/02/2025 07:03

Asking on behalf of DH.

Mil has sadly died. A family member wants to film the funeral for those who can't attend to watch. DH doesn't want this. Feels its a private event and not for viewing entertainment.

Sil wants it filmed as she feels it's important for those who can't attend to feel part of the day.

Do DHs feelings trump sil?

OP posts:
saraclara · 25/02/2025 07:16

Grief shouldn't be a public spectacle for other's entertainment

It's no more a public spectacle or entertainment than it is for those who can attend. It's the same funeral.

The live stream is taken from the back of the room so those who watch it have the same view as they would if they were there. There's no zooming in on faces or anything. It's literally what the person would see had they been able to attend. Mostly backs of heads, the coffin and those speaking.

BlondiePortz · 25/02/2025 07:16

Why would they Trump his sister's?

No i personally don't like the idea but they need to discuss it themselves

EMary12345 · 25/02/2025 07:18

Our Nan's was live streamed as family living in Australia could t get here - is it a reason such as this? If so, I would say that it would be kinder to them to be able to join. You only give the password to those who you wish to join and it isn't recorded. They also don't film the mourners of that is what he is worried about.

SparklyGlitterballs · 25/02/2025 07:18

Well funerals are public events anyway, so anyone could come along and watch in person. However, if your DH doesn't want it live-streamed for anyone elderly or infirm who can't get there, that's his choice. Sorry for your loss OP.

saraclara · 25/02/2025 07:19

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 25/02/2025 07:14

OP was a bit ambiguous saying “filmed” - she doesn’t say recorded or streamed so we don’t know yet.

Show quote history

If be surprised if it was anything other than live streamed. Funeral directors and venues have the option and technology in place, so it's offered, and there's no need for anyone to be walking around doing it with a video camera or a phone.

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/02/2025 07:19

I filmed my dh funeral as his sister couldn’t come as she had literally had a baby and living abroad

plus his dad was banned as mil couldn’t stand him and said she wouldn’t come if he did

grief is raw. Years later I think fil should have been able to come and sit at back quietly but that wasn’t going to happen

so I set up a video camera

I have rewatched dvd think twice in the 13yrs since dh has died

his funeral was a blur at the time , obviously - so watching maybe 5years later in the right head space was nice - if that’s the right word

hearing the nice things people said about dh

so yes I think setting up a video camera and putting onto dvd for 1/2 people is fine

NotMeNoNo · 25/02/2025 07:21

It can be live streamed and the "footage" might be recorded if asked for benefit of someone who can't attend live. It will just be one or two fixed cameras with a wide view from the back and maybe a closer one of the leader. It won't be like a TV program with closeups of weeping family. The funeral directors could probably show you an example but they would go with your preference.

trailmx · 25/02/2025 07:22

ItShouldntHappenToMeYet · 25/02/2025 07:11

They won't allow filming, but will allow a link to watch the service live

Show quote history

my mother's funeral (a year ago) was filmed as there were family members abroad and some too ill or infirm to attend.
It was very discrete no camera or anything visible. Not expensive, about £70.
It just showed people from the back and at a distance, no faces, and focussed on the celebrant.
We were given a link to send to people so they could watch it live. There were options to have it available for longer but none of us wanted that.

LillyPJ · 25/02/2025 07:25

K1ran · 25/02/2025 07:05

Agree that it is a private affair and the person who has passed should be sent off respectfully.
Most places offer a link to watch it live rather than film it.

If there's a link to watch it live, then it's being filmed!

Legger · 25/02/2025 07:25

We watched Dh's uncle's funeral in covid on a live stream as it had very limited numbers. The camera was high up and we could only see the backs of everyone's heads as they came in. The only people "facing" the camera were the priest and then the people who did a reading or eulogy. It was very much from a distance and you couldn't really make out facial features.

To view it we had to have a link from the funeral directors but this does mean it can be recorded. I am sure the funeral directors would show you the position of the camera and what it captures.

I am sorry for your loss and that this has caused a disagreement.

FoxRedPuppy · 25/02/2025 07:26

My dad’s funeral was live streamed and afterwards they offered us the recording. My mum took it in case and actually I have watched it once again since. If you’d asked me before I’d have thought absolutely not (to recording, not live streamed). But actually I found it helpful in my grief.

I think a live stream is good for people who are unable to attend. Several of my dad’s friends were too ill to travel and really appreciated it.

Radionowhere · 25/02/2025 07:27

It's quite common post COVID, filmed from behind the mourners so not intrusive. Is that what is being requested? I don't think that's unreasonable

clarrylove · 25/02/2025 07:28

Just a note, not everywhere can live stream, it needs a very good internet connection. A lot of rural places don't have this so the only option is to record.This was our experience at a funeral in Devon earlier this year.

ZenNudist · 25/02/2025 07:28

Church services can be streamed live now. It would be kind on those who can't make it to stream it. It's normal practice now. At my church we stream most masses and funerals

saraclara · 25/02/2025 07:28

Your DH can be assured that if he agrees to a live link, he will be totally unaware of the process during the service. He won't see a camera, there'll be no-one visibly filming.
If there are people who can't attend who would want to say goodbye, I think it would be considerate of him to let that happen. There really is no downside for him.

At others have said, only those that he wants to have the password, will be able to see it. And the experience will simply be the one they'd have had they been able to attend.

SwerveCity · 25/02/2025 07:30

I don’t see anything wrong with services being live-streamed if that’s what we are talking about. When my Nan passed away, a family member decided to record everything on his old camcorder like it was a wedding or something. Literally us getting into the cars and everything. That was weird.

Comedycook · 25/02/2025 07:31

Last two funerals I've attended have been live streamed so friends and relatives in other countries could see it. It's quite a standard thing nowadays

Sassybooklover · 25/02/2025 07:31

No one within the funeral group needs to film it. Most places these days offer a web link, so that those who can't attend can live stream, and be involved as best they can. My parents watched the funeral of a relative who passed away, as they couldn't attend due to distance. My cousin also arranged this at my Aunt's funeral as his brother lived in NZ and couldn't fly over. The link isn't available to just anyone, the funeral directors would give it out, to those who need it.

greengreyblue · 25/02/2025 07:33

I had the same request at my mum’s funeral. Though from her sister. My siblings agreed with me that it wasn’t appropriate and said no. I’m glad we did. I have memories nobody wants such a horrible day remembered in clarity. Plus the privacy to mourn is very important.

Wolfpa · 25/02/2025 07:34

Why would your DHs preference trump his sisters?

Gcsunnyside23 · 25/02/2025 07:34

I was on holidays during a family members funeral last dinner and was able to watch via weblink. I don't know why but I feel weird about videoing it to watch later, not the same as watching live

Simplelobsterhat · 25/02/2025 07:35

I don't understand people who are saying live stream INSTEAD of filming. That is filming or what at do people think is being live streamed?

I think it depends who can't come and why. A compromise is to agree very limited people who can see it, rather than a link available to anyone, and also whether it can only be live or available to watch back.

I think it also depends who is speaking who gets a say, as they are the ones who will be shown. I can understand why someone might not want them struggling to get through a eulogy to be available to watch forever or by anyone - bit different to people just seeing it in person on the day. But if dh isn't speaking the camera wouldn't be on him anyway.

Back before COVID etc made filming more common, I did go to a church one which was voice recorded only, specifically for the daughter of the deceased who had a very good reason for being unable to attend. Would that be a possible compromise?

Whaleandsnail6 · 25/02/2025 07:36

I dont think either trumps the other and I would hope that they could come to a solution they are both happy with.

I sway more towards sil point of view, I dont feel an unintrusive camera position from behind the mourner's (so filming backs of heads) should be too much of a concern if it allows those who cannot be there to watch the service.

Nowvoyager99 · 25/02/2025 07:36

Assuming SIL is DH sister rather than married to his brother, then they need to reach agreement.

He could insist he isn’t included in the film perhaps?

MyDeftDuck · 25/02/2025 07:36

K1ran · 25/02/2025 07:05

Agree that it is a private affair and the person who has passed should be sent off respectfully.
Most places offer a link to watch it live rather than film it.

This.
Unless I am mistaken, undertakers began making a live feed of funerals during covid to enable those who couldn't attend to view the service and committal from home - I did this with a close family member as I had covid and was isolating.
The undertakers would provide a link for this and it was all very tasteful, the camera equipment was at the back of the venue, there was no panning around or zooming in on individuals either.