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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want the funeral filmed

313 replies

Uniquely187 · 25/02/2025 07:03

Asking on behalf of DH.

Mil has sadly died. A family member wants to film the funeral for those who can't attend to watch. DH doesn't want this. Feels its a private event and not for viewing entertainment.

Sil wants it filmed as she feels it's important for those who can't attend to feel part of the day.

Do DHs feelings trump sil?

OP posts:
Arran2024 · 25/02/2025 15:38

I watched my uncle's in Canada from here in the UK. I think it is pretty common these days. But you can choose what is seen - we didn't see the coffin at all for example.

LoveFridaynight · 25/02/2025 15:38

Gloriia · 25/02/2025 10:44

With respect so what if you are in another country and can't attend.

You send a card to the loved ones and then think about the deceased or whatever

To attend a live streaming like it's some kind of entertainment event is weird and intrusive.

Show quote history

Well on that basis surely attending the actual funeral is also for entertainment. I have to say you do have a very odd idea of what entertainment is.

Gloriia · 25/02/2025 15:42

‘I bet’ isn’t much of an argument, is it'

Anecdotal which is what you'll get on a chat forum. It's like funerals in general tbh, many people insist they are going to pay their respects when they probably haven't spoken to the deceased for months if not years. So much performance goes on and now we have live streaming to add.

Disclaimer I'm not talking about close family and friends.

Funnywonder · 25/02/2025 16:01

Gloriia · 25/02/2025 15:42

‘I bet’ isn’t much of an argument, is it'

Anecdotal which is what you'll get on a chat forum. It's like funerals in general tbh, many people insist they are going to pay their respects when they probably haven't spoken to the deceased for months if not years. So much performance goes on and now we have live streaming to add.

Disclaimer I'm not talking about close family and friends.

No sign of an anecdote. I'd call that argument conjectural or speculative. Or completely made up.

Notgivenuphope · 25/02/2025 16:06

We felt the same for my gran's funeral. There was nobody who physically couldn't get there due to reasonable circumstances. However we knew that if we offered the live stream option there would be several who would close that over moving their arses and getting themselves there. So we didn't offer the option and valued those who made the effort to be there.

northerngirly · 25/02/2025 16:35

My husband’s grandmothers funeral was filmed. Afterwards his mother told us she’d watched back the recording multiple times and told us that she’d watched how me and my husband had supported each other during the funeral and how sweet we were. It was the strangest thing, felt so creepy. That was not my circus, not my monkeys but I hate funerals being filmed, they’re not TV shows.

JoyousGreyOrca · 25/02/2025 16:49

Daffodiltimeishere · 25/02/2025 07:12

I agree with your DH.

There will be people attending the funeral who will be very visibly emotional and very probably crying. For that reason alone it's not appropriate to film them.

Grief shouldn't be a public spectacle for other's entertainment.

It's a shame if people can't attend who want to but they can still show their love and respect for your MiL by thinking of her and reflecting on her life and what she has meant to them.

They do not film the attendees. Just the service

Miyagi99 · 25/02/2025 17:04

PermanentTemporary · 25/02/2025 07:08

It isn't usual to film a funeral. People don't take pictures as a rule (a friend took one picture at dh's wake due to special circumstances and apologised to me afterwards though I was fine about it).

Is there going to be online attendance available for those who can't be there? That would be a reasonable compromise imo. You could also have the eulogy printed into the order of service, or emailed to people afterwards if they want. I would say your dh should stand his ground.

Tbh has any of the people who Cs t be there even asked for this?? I cany imagine sitting down to watch a funeral I wasn't at, at another time. I do keep orders of service though.

Since Covid it has become usual as they acquired the technology in, they offer now because it’s such a popular service provided to those relatives who live abroad or can’t attend for other reasons (e.g are poorly). I think it’s a wonderful thing and I have watched a funeral via a secure link (the one I watched was abroad but I know other people who have watched because they were too ill to attend).

Dontlletmedownbruce · 25/02/2025 17:08

It's not about DH v SIL here surely? It's SIL plus the people who want to see it v DH.

Personally I don't like being filmed but if it was a stationary camera showing service only, or better still a live stream that is not recorded I would go with it. If the mourners are on camera and anyone can rewatch then I'd agree with your DH. Far too intrusive

northerngirly · 25/02/2025 17:20

@JoyousGreyOrca the mourners were very visible in the funeral I attended that was filmed. I was horrified.

JoyousGreyOrca · 25/02/2025 17:21

northerngirly · 25/02/2025 17:20

@JoyousGreyOrca the mourners were very visible in the funeral I attended that was filmed. I was horrified.

That shocks me. At our crematorium they are clear that mourners can not be filmed

faffadoodledo · 25/02/2025 17:23

For my parents' funerals the undertaker organised a fixed camera set up and gave us a code so that elderly people who couldn't travel could access it online.

It was available with the code for 48 hours I think, so was quite 'private. You can choose who gets the code.

Quite a common set up I think

mewkins · 25/02/2025 17:31

Gloriia · 25/02/2025 15:12

Yes they are 2 different things. My point is I bet those adamant watching via cam was very important to show their respects didn't follow it up with offering any kind of actual support.

Show quote history

Attending a funeral either in person or via a video link is not exclusively about showing support. It's also about acknowledging the life of the deceased and your relationship to them. I understand this is different in different places but I think this is generally how it is in the many funerals I've attended at churches and crematoriums in England. You're allowed to feel grief and loss even if the deceased was someone who you haven't seen in years or worked with remotely and never met in real life. Funerals serve many different purposes.

Also, at some funerals, there is no one left to 'offer support' to. But it is still very much worth going to the funeral whether in person or virtually.

VapeVamp12 · 25/02/2025 17:32

The last three funerals I have thought about attending (not close relatives) have all had links to a live stream so I think it is becoming more common.

One of the three had a lot of family in USA which made more sense.

I don't think they're usually "filmed", they're live streamed online so people can "attend" without being there.

Gloriia · 25/02/2025 17:53

'Don't be surprised though if someone who isn't able to travel to a funeral you arrange asks whether you are doing it though, so that they can be"there" virtually and involved. It could even be a close family member. Then you can tell them no because you don't believe funerals are entertainment.'

I would be surprised as we don't have close family who wouldn't be able to attend but if asked you're right I'd say no.

Randomer75 · 25/02/2025 17:56

Gloriia · 25/02/2025 17:53

'Don't be surprised though if someone who isn't able to travel to a funeral you arrange asks whether you are doing it though, so that they can be"there" virtually and involved. It could even be a close family member. Then you can tell them no because you don't believe funerals are entertainment.'

I would be surprised as we don't have close family who wouldn't be able to attend but if asked you're right I'd say no.

But perhaps that situation might change and someone can’t (validly) attend.
I think a livestream is very common and a good idea. I live abroad and have been to several funerals virtually.

HowHOW · 25/02/2025 17:58

Live streaming is ok.

Filming absolutely not. A major reason to not film is that everyone there will know there will be a permanent record so it is hugely intrusive into grief. It's one thing to sob knowing the people around you can see it, it's totally another to be worried it's being capture on film forever.

With funerals, if one person who is closest to the deceased fundamentally objects to anything, that is a reason not to do it IMO because death is horrific, grief is horrific, no one should be making it worse for anyone who has lost a close loved one.

So tbh in my view, if the husband or wife of a decease person objected to even live streaming, I would abide by their wishes whether I thought it was a good idea or not. It's about comparing the benefit v the cost. The cost to someone who has lost a close loved one of anything they find distressing at the funeral is HUGE. The cost to people who can't attend anyway missing out is far less. If they were that bothered, they'd make the effort to attend and if they can't because of distance or infirmity, then they were never going to be there anyway so the loss to them is far less.

theboffinsarecoming · 25/02/2025 18:17

Our relative's funeral was live streamed so that overseas family who couldn't attend in person were able to watch and feel part of it. The crematorium and funeral director arranged everything, and there was no sign of any visible cameras at all. Access to the live stream was via a code sent only to specific people.

Gloriia · 25/02/2025 18:25

Randomer75 · 25/02/2025 17:56

But perhaps that situation might change and someone can’t (validly) attend.
I think a livestream is very common and a good idea. I live abroad and have been to several funerals virtually.

Show quote history

Yes clearly reading this thread they are sadly a common event, I'm just saying I'd never have one for my family. I think those attending are entitled to privacy and I believe live streaming should not be allowed at such a deeply personal event.

You know there are lots of events in life that we can't or don't attend, we don't have to have everything live streamed to our gadgets lest we miss out.

Ontobetterthings · 25/02/2025 18:30

I think it's fine to live stream. It films the front so you can't see people crying just people who get up and talk.

A friend of mine died by suicide. 8 couldn't make the funeral as it was a 5 hour drive and I didn't have childcare. I really appreciated the stream. I dont think you should look at it as people can't be bothered.

Nanny0gg · 25/02/2025 19:13

Gloriia · 25/02/2025 18:25

Yes clearly reading this thread they are sadly a common event, I'm just saying I'd never have one for my family. I think those attending are entitled to privacy and I believe live streaming should not be allowed at such a deeply personal event.

You know there are lots of events in life that we can't or don't attend, we don't have to have everything live streamed to our gadgets lest we miss out.

Edited
Show quote history

Do you realise that they aren't really like a film?

There's no or little panning when everyone's in. No close up of faces. No intrusion

Topseyt123 · 25/02/2025 19:18

Gloriia · 25/02/2025 17:53

'Don't be surprised though if someone who isn't able to travel to a funeral you arrange asks whether you are doing it though, so that they can be"there" virtually and involved. It could even be a close family member. Then you can tell them no because you don't believe funerals are entertainment.'

I would be surprised as we don't have close family who wouldn't be able to attend but if asked you're right I'd say no.

Well, you are just determined that you alone are right and anyone who has an alternative opinion is wrong.

That's it then. Very clearly.

KatieB55 · 25/02/2025 19:24

It's done very discreetly from behind the congregation. You don't see faces of those mourning.

XenoBitch · 25/02/2025 19:45

I watched a live stream of funeral of a friend during Covid. Only 15 people could physically attend, and there was a code to join online... so not like anyone could go to the venue's website and just see whatever was going on. Many of the people watching were her family from the USA.
You could see the mourners, but just the back of them. It was heart warming to see some people have "illegal" hugs after the service

I am not sure how it can be seen as entertainment anymore than being there is person is. There is no zooming in or panning. It is just like static CCTV but with sound.

Personally, I think it is a great idea, and I am glad the tech and service has hung around after Covid.

NattyTurtle59 · 25/02/2025 19:49

Gloriia · 25/02/2025 08:59

'I was at work when my lovely neighbour's funeral was held and I very much appreciated being able to watch the funeral later that evening from my home.'

If you were that bothered you'd have taken a day off and attended.

People just use the live streaming option to have a neb.

If the person is close, you go. If they aren't and you're at work then that should be that not watching later feet up with a bag of crisps and a glass of wine.

Oh yes, you know all about my situation. I was filling in for someone who had a medical appointment in another town, and there was no-one else to fill in. Strangely enough I consider my commitments to the living are more important than those to the dead!

If people you know use the live streaming option to "have a neb" then you know some very odd people. I'm not in the UK and find that Brits are quite different to us, so perhaps that people do this there shouldn't surprise me.

Incidentally I did not watch my neighbour's funeral with my feet up with a bag of crisps and a glass of wine. If her family hadn't wanted people to watch the live stream then premsumably they wouldn't have offered the option - are you so thick that you didn't consider that?

Typical judgemental MNer.