To not want the funeral filmed

[Uniquely187]

Asking on behalf of DH.

Mil has sadly died. A family member wants to film the funeral for those who can't attend to watch. DH doesn't want this. Feels its a private event and not for viewing entertainment.

Sil wants it filmed as she feels it's important for those who can't attend to feel part of the day.

Do DHs feelings trump sil?

Yes, this.

Ehat I find crass is the OPs comment that her dh feels it's for "entertainment". No, it's to give people a chance to say goodbye and to feel part of things.

I am somewhat surprised by how triggering inhave found this thread. I consider myself a resilient personality and a person who ca quite easily understand other perspectives, even if j don't agree with the. But this thread has upset me. If someone had suggested me watching my mums funeral live was for "entertainment", I would have been furious.

Not at all undignified. It isn't someone running around with a camera zooming in on everyone. It is a very small and unobtrusively positioned automatic webcam thing. It is fixed in one position and remotely operated.

You see nothing more than the coffin and the backs of people's heads, other than those reading eulogies. The link provided and the password to use it are totally private and only available to those you choose to share them with. The recording remains available for viewing for a limited time after the funeral has taken place.

Was live streaming even a thing before covid?

Can we just leave it behind like all the other weird stuff we did?

I would agree with this.

Live streaming with of course access security etc can work really well. I recently live streamed for a funeral in Australia. So did lots of people as he was well travelled and lots obviously could not be there. It was completely non obtrusive. As noted above. Helped the family feel more supported and his friends feel they coukd pay their respects

Done well as above I think it's rely good

With respect so what if you are in another country and can't attend.

You send a card to the loved ones and then think about the deceased or whatever

To attend a live streaming like it's some kind of entertainment event is weird and intrusive.

I don't really get this concern about what those attending on line see of the mourners emotions. They will see no more than they would if they were there.

As others have said the broadcast is a single camera, possibly focusing on the speaker but not always.

Yes, it was available. People became more aware of it during COVID because of the obvious advantages it had during lockdown.

Why would we leave it behind? It remains a good option for those who are unable to travel to attend.

Like it or not, technology is here to stay.

Not entertainment at all. It is attending the funeral.

I watched my Dad's livestream with my mother a couple of weeks after the service before it became unavailable as another very final (for us) way of saying goodbye. I hope you aren't suggesting we did that for entertainment! That's an insult.

Also, just because livestreaming is available does not mean you are obliged to use it. It is a choice. If you don't want it then don't choose it when booking the crematorium. Simple. You can leave it behind if you wish. Others might not wish to. Either is fine.

You're being ridiculous.

My MIL's relatives are in Australia. They adored her and she them.

Being able to watch the live stream was not them 'having a neb'. It was incredibly important to them to say goodbye and hear the eulogies (including the words they sent to be read out)

Technology fine, poking a nose in it other people's distress not fine.

People keep saying the attendees aren't the focus but many speak at funerals obviously with great emotion. We only have to see on mn the problems in many families with difficult relationships. To have a 'code' that can then shared willy nilly is just awful.

Go or if you cant read the tributes online. To attend virtually just seems like prying.

The husband of a dear friend absolutely did not find it weird and intrusive that friends and family of both of theirs were (due to the advances of technology) able to listen live to the service.
Quite the opposite, they were very touched that friends/ex colleagues wanted to support them and pay their respects. I know it gave him strength and comfort to see how well loved his husband was.
I actually find it quite insulting and upsetting that you would believe those who were attending via live stream were doing so for their own entertainment.

It's really not. It helped me and my SIL* enormously to know that our Australian relatives were 'there' and supporting us, too.

*My husband is dead, and my MIL was like a mother to me. I miss her every day.

I personally think it's crass. If you can't make the funeral then the deceased can't have been that important to them?

See my post above yours. It is simply not practical or affordable for people on the other side of the world to take time off work and spend a small fortune on a last minute flight booking to attend.

... Also as a teacher I was not allowed time off for funerals include it was that of a spouse, child or grandparent.

Not being able to attend does not necessarily indicate that the deceased wasn't important enough.

Or maybe that 6000 miles might be difficult to traverse at fairly short notice?
The people who are or who have been important to us don't always live up the road.

Unless MIL had voiced a distict dislike for the practise, I would side with SIL.
It could be helpfull to her elderly or ill friends or cousins etc. to watch it on-line.
Funeral homes are used to offering the coverage. I would allow them to professionally put the service on their site; they usually have it available for a set period of time.

I would not want any old person filming the funeral on
their phone.

This is a difficult one and I don't think your DH is being unreasonable, while understanding that people may want to watch for valid reasons. Sadly my best friend from childhood died from suicide fairly recently. Her lovely sister contacted me after her funeral to say she was so sorry I was missed off the invites and she sent me a link to watch the service. It was a camera right at the back as described on this thread.

I was so pleased to watch the funeral but at the end when everyone was taking their turn at the coffin before leaving her husband, who I didn't know, was last in the room to say goodbye and essentially collapsed on it in grief. I'm not sure mourners would want to be filmed like that?

My dear Dad died in lockdown, numbers were restricted. He had siblings in Ireland, who in normal times would have travelled, so we live streamed and they found great comfort in watching live. I think you would need a very good reason to film or live stream now. The company gave us a memory stick afterwards, but none of us have felt able to watch it yet.

It meant an awful lot to my friend and her daughter to know their were 10s of people watching the funeral from around the world, smiling at the antidotes, watching the photos, praying, reliving their own memories

How bloody rude are you. Don't say with respect when you mean the opposite

I've done the eulogy at two funerals recently that were live streamed. I had no idea where the cameras were (there isn't a bloke with a camera up in your face). Both the deceased were very old and had some family either too old to travel within the UK or in the Southern Hemisphere. I found it incredibly touching that people were getting up in the middle of the night to watch it and i had some really kind messages afterwards so clearly it was very important to them to be included. It definitely wasn't entertainment. It's all password protected and was taken down after a week.

People can show love and support by staying in touch, sending cards etc. Being there long after the funeral when support often drops off. To attend virtually is disrespectful.

When my parents die and I speak at the service there is not a chance I'll do so with a camera blinking in the distance even though we do have far flung rels.

Watching remotely is not support, ringing and chatting and staying in touch is and I wonder how many virtual attendees do that.

Trust me - nobody thinks observing a funeral is "entertainment".

I can't think of anything less respectful than filming a funeral. And also filming grieving people.

At the end of 2020 I attended two funerals that were also 'live streamed' as numbers were strictly limited. One of the funerals was my dad's, the other was a good friend who died far too young from Covid. Personally, I felt even more supported to know that there were many more people out there celebrating my dad's life than could attend. All got in touch afterwards to say what a lovely and fitting send off it had been.

With my friend's funeral, again dozens more 'attended' online including many colleagues and friends. I think it gave her family some comfort and it also gave those attended a chance to celebrate her life. Funerals are for everyone to not just support the family but also give anyone who had a relationship with them a chance to remember them and grieve.