To not want the funeral filmed

[Uniquely187]

Asking on behalf of DH.

Mil has sadly died. A family member wants to film the funeral for those who can't attend to watch. DH doesn't want this. Feels its a private event and not for viewing entertainment.

Sil wants it filmed as she feels it's important for those who can't attend to feel part of the day.

Do DHs feelings trump sil?

It depends on what you mean, is there someone specific who is missing it?

I hardly think anyone would be watching it “for entertainment” so I don’t really think that’s a fair argument.

When my Nan passed away, a family member decided to record everything on his old camcorder like it was a wedding or something. Literally us getting into the cars and everything. That was weird.

From what I've seen online that type of thing seems to be a growing trend. But I'd agree most people just have the live stream or a video of the speakers with the coffin in the background. I have been at two funerals, one a close family member, where that was the case. It was completely discreet.

I'm sorry but I didn't think funerals were about " including" people.

They are supposed to be about the person who has just died.About reflecting on the life of the deceased. You don't need a film of the funeral to do that.

It just seems to be feeding into the obsession these days that literally EVERYTHING needs to be photographed/ filmed/ posted on the internet/ shared with the world. For a lot of people everything needs to be a performance now.

One of the deceased children, the other would like it filmed/live cast. And the mourners are not typically included, just the people speaking and the casket.

This. I loathe these live link funerals complete with passwords etc. Omg must everything be available for viewing these days.

If you can make it, lovely. If you can't then visit the grave or wherever at a later date. I think it is really intrusive to those attending knowing there are people watching their every move.

Each to their own, but for me this would be totally unacceptable. I get the issue about people who can't be there, but am simply not fond of the idea that every last thing has to be filmed, and especially at such a difficult occasion

As PPs have said, maybe you could ask if the venue has a live streaming service, which would at least be better than the risk of getting some videographer who was less than discreet - like the Zeffirelli wannabee who turned up and ponced around a recent one I attended

The best of luck with it anyway; emotions will understandably be running high and I don't imagine this will be easy

I watched the live stream funeral of my closest Friends husband during covid. (Friend had died 3 years earlier)
Sound quality was good so able to hear eulogy clearly. Picture quality iffy, fixed camera from high up so just saw back of attendees heads. Couldn't recognise their son.
I attended another post covid streamed funeral which was well attended but streamed mainly for family in far East (daughter too pregnant to fly). The celebrant looked up (I assume at the camera) when she was talking about the deceased's family to really include them.

OP, please could you clarify if you mean “filmed” as in live streamed by the funeral place, or a camcorder/recorder set up?

if live streamed I think it’s very common these days and no issue. It’s usually set up inconspicuously from a distance and not intrusive. And it’s not recorded as such, it’s only accessible online. If someone is bringing along a camcorder I would feel differently.

you need a code to watch a stream
it is not a public option

I had this eight weeks ago and was adamant I didn’t want it streamed but my sister due to disability and distance could not attend and so with I arranged a live view of the funeral for her that was streamed by the crematorium.

it was £55, it was only for that moment in time, I got sent a login and password which I sent to her the week before. She told me it looked over mine and the kids heads towards the coffin and the celebrant.

I would discuss it with the funeral directors, at least you are in control of the situation.

The password then expires, but I must warn you and it’s worth checking with the funeral directors I was a bit shocked to receive another email a couple of days later with and updated password, so I do think I could have then watched a recording. I haven’t spoken to the funeral directors about this and I’ve not used it to know if it works but I expect it will as someone told me they record all the funerals for some reason, not sure why and I don’t know if this is true.

Turn the focus back to MIL. Did she have a good relationship with those who can't be there and who would view the recording? If she did and they can't be there but want to be involved I think it's fine. If it's for people that MIL didn't have any time for, that would change my view.

If a funeral is a way to celebrate the life of those who have passed, thinking about what they would have wanted must be paramount.

Your DH and Sil - it's not about the recording, it's the big feelings focused on something trivial.

I am not sure that funerals are seen as private by religious people. They're meant to be public in order that people acknowledge the passing of a member of the community, aren't they? Your DH is grieving so all his decisions come from a son's desire to protect his mum, which is lovely.

My dad's funeral is on youtube because many relatives live abroad and didn't want to miss it, but couldn't afford to come. I doubt anyone but close family will ever watch the video. Why would they? So even if it is filmed it remains private.

Indeed. I've attended a funeral recently that was live-linked for those who couldn't attend (which included a disabled family member) and also watched a live stream of my SiL's funeral, held in America. I can't see a problem with it.

I wonder if the OP's DH thinks it will be a recording, rather than a live link and this is what's putting him off?

There's a big difference between a ceremony being live-streamed for people who can't attend in person, vs being recorded so they can fit it in between Strictly and laundry folding. Ask the venue about getting a live-stream set up and ask people who are attending virtually to please not make any recording as the family would feel this to be disrespectful.

I attended a couple of funerals virtually in the aftermath of Covid. They were really meaningful to me.

I attended a friends funeral on line. It was filmed from the back of the chapel, the only faces visible were people giving the eulogies and the celebrant. It was quite respectful and dignified.

Live streamed rather than filmed, but it was available to watch, with a log in code, for a week or so afterwards.

I don't think it matters whether it is live streaming or 'filmed', the point is the event will be available to watch for those who can't or won't attend. I don't think live streaming or filming is appropriate at all.
Just send an order of service to folk who are working or live afar and let them have their own private thoughts etc about the deceased.
What next, post a clip on family WhatsApp chats? It all just seems so tacky and disrespectful for those attending.

Don't be ridiculous. Honestly, some of you people appear to be living in another century.

It's extremely common to live stream funerals these days, they most certainly are not posted on the internet/shared with the world. I don't imagine anyone anywhere would view a funeral for fun. I was at work when my lovely neighbour's funeral was held and I very much appreciated being able to watch the funeral later that evening from my home.

It depends who is intended to watch. Close relatives who are too unwell to travel? You can do it via a secure link so not open to all. The cameras are distant and not intrusive.

DH funeral was live streamed (funeral link) for his best mate who lives in America, and couldnt make due to financials, and my parents who were to ill to travel as my dad just had open heart surgery. It meant the world to them. This was in 2013 too, so its been around for a long time.

'I was at work when my lovely neighbour's funeral was held and I very much appreciated being able to watch the funeral later that evening from my home.'

If you were that bothered you'd have taken a day off and attended.

People just use the live streaming option to have a neb.

If the person is close, you go. If they aren't and you're at work then that should be that not watching later feet up with a bag of crisps and a glass of wine.

I think that if the widower is organising the funeral he gets to decide, but SIL might suggest that the funeral is live-streamed so people can watch it as it happens, then not available after that. Or he might feel that the funeral is just for people who can come and he doesn't want the sound and sight of himself and other people in an emotional state, captured on film. They film from the back so faces are not usually seen, but sounds are.

I think in this case, your husband's feelings trump the ones of Sil.

My view is live link of speakers, fine if wanted.
Recording, not fine.

I would always prefer no live link, but times do seem to have changed.

My mum's funeral is next week and I wouldn't like it. I think people watching it via link would be fine but not videoing it.
Having said that your DHs feelings don't trump his sisters and hers don't trump his. I think watching it via link would be a good compromise. How would they both feel about that?