To not want the funeral filmed

[Uniquely187]

Asking on behalf of DH.

Mil has sadly died. A family member wants to film the funeral for those who can't attend to watch. DH doesn't want this. Feels its a private event and not for viewing entertainment.

Sil wants it filmed as she feels it's important for those who can't attend to feel part of the day.

Do DHs feelings trump sil?

I am in two minds and think it depends on the reason, the sensitivity that prevails and the deceased's wishes.

I'll give two examples.

When FIL died, SIL1, who lives thousands of miles away, decided she wouldn't attend his funeral because it would be too stressful for her. It was all about her. No way.

MIL, who is almost 89 and is no longer able to travel was provided with a video link for her brother's funeral. DH attended on her behalf and when he next visited offered to show her the video. She couldn't do it on her own and preferred him to take her to church where she could pray, light a candle and hear her brother's name mentioned in the intercessions. Absolutely fine.

Because of this thread I am going to discuss this with DH with a view to amending our wills with our wishes. It will be a no from me unless there are very close people who cannot attend for legitimate health reasons in which case it will be a link just for them and time limited for one watch. It's a funeral, nor a circus.

Reflecting, however, how many watched Prince Philip's, The Queen's and before that, Diana, PoW's, funerals on TV? Many I expect and there's a bit of me that says what's sauce for the goose, is sauce for the gander. I didn't, I thought it mawkish.

What about if you are in hospital, or a care home or another country? It's not quite as easy to "just go" as all that, although in the UK you do tend to get plenty of notice.

DH has the fortune of being able to attend in person. Funerals are very important honestly. It seems a bit mean of him to not want people who can't attend to be able to participate. When my mum died and we organised her funeral there wasn't the option to stream it, but I would have loved to have done that so people who couldn't make it could participate. It would have meant a lot too to be able to look back and watch it years later when the immediate pain had subsided somewhat. I took photos at the wake, but still regret not taking photos/videos of the funeral. Your brain can block things out.

In this situation I think the person who wants it streaming for others to watch overrides the person who doesn't. He loses nothing here. He doesn't have to watch it back, or share the link, he doesn't have to participate actively in that side of things.

Live streaming is very much a thing now and I think it’s very positive.

The faces of the mourners and the attendees are not shown, only those who stand up to speak. I read a poem during my stepfathers funeral, the fact that it was being streamed didn’t enter my head.

My good friend (of almost 50 years) dear mother passed away recently, I knew her mother well in my youth. She lives on the other side of the country so I’ll be watching it tomorrow via live stream. To suggest I’m watching it for ‘entertainment’ is really offensive.

My mother is in her 80’s and regularly watches funerals via live stream that she wouldn’t be able to get to because of distance. It means a lot to her.

An old friend of my mum's the funeral was streamed and filmed. You could not have told there was a camera as it was from above at the back of the room. I watched it as he was a big part of my childhood. You couldn't see people's faces unless they were giving a speech. It was very special to be able to be there and I could not have travelled with work and distance.

They do allow filming, some crematorium have a link with a company who set up the camera and convert to dvd, we were offered this but declined as we thought it was intrusive and you mainly have vision of the coffin and front row mourners who are family.

This…
”Sil wants it filmed as she feels it's important for those who can't attend to feel part of the day.”

Firstly I’m so sorry for your loss, losing a loved one is hard enough without the unnecessary demands from SIL. She is making MIL’s funeral about her, SHE wants to film it because SHE feels it’s important…
I think there’s a very relevant question to be asked, “Has anyone ASKED for the funeral to be filmed in their absence”? If the answer is no then absolutely not as SIL is making a fete and gala out of MIL’s funeral for her own self importance.
People attend a funeral to pay their respects and say goodbye, one cannot do that after the fact, and certainly not on a screen. If they can’t attend they can’t attend.
Pers I find the loss of friends and family members deeply upsetting. I certainly wouldn’t want me crying my heart out in the crematorium to be on video and viewed by others and anyone else as often as they wished forever more. I would be thinking of others attending the funeral too and if they would feel uncomfortable being filmed.
Filming would be disrespectful to everyone attending and an invasion of privacy. It would be a firm NO from me.
I hope the day goes as well as can be expected 💐

Not the same thing but my Dad's funeral was live streamed for people who couldn't be there. You then have an option as family to keep the recording. My Mum was very happy to have it and finds it a comfort.

But funerals aren't JUST about the deceased, they are an opportunity for the mourners to pay their respects and see them off, in a final act of consideration for the deceased. It's a ritual to remove the person's remains in a decent and respectful fashion and grieve them, in a kind of last thing that you can do for them. It's not Instagram, it's permitting people who will be grieving the chance to see their funeral when they can't attend but would if they could.

My mother and her partner are in their seventies with various conditions and health and mobility problems. They were able to watch my mum's cousin's funeral at home instead of travelling hundreds of miles over two days and nights with all the problems (and not insignificant costs) that would bring them. Twenty years ago they would have been able to attend without blinking, these days it's exceptionally hard for them. I'm glad live streaming exists now as it means bereaved people can still get solace from seeing the funeral as it happens.

It's not "every last thing HAS to be filmed these days", it's helping those who would want to attend but can't. Similar to making reasonable adjustments for those with disabilities to make life more equitable, it's not taking anything away from the attendees, it's giving assistance to those who couldn't.

I think it's ok. Filming a royal funeral is expected.
Tensions will be running high. It could be filmed and uploaded but then taken down after a few days.

Or it can just be live streamed.

Job done

Livestreaming with a log in code, where the camera only covers those speaking and the backs of the heads of attendees is totally normal these days.

As an attendee in person you don't notice it at all, and I've watched a couple online that I couldn't make it to in person. I know my elderly parents have been very grateful to have watched quite a few more as with travel and illness and their age it would have been more difficult for them to have seen friends and family off otherwise. They seem to dress up and make a big thing as if they were there in person.

I've been to a live streamed funeral of a family member. There were several other relatives in America and Australia that couldn't attend.
As long as it's done discreetly from the back of the room then I can't see a problem.

Neither feeling is more important - it's both their father.

I would say that when my Dad died during Covid, we live-streamed it.

My dad was a huge pillar of the community and had worked all over the world, so it was important for us that that part of his life was recognised because we knew there'd be a full service if it had been non covid and it was a bit sad as it was ... As many people as possible who would have come, were able to watch and take part - about 250 from what I remember. The comments option was on, and it was lovely to read people's thoughts and reflections afterwards.

But it wasn't like a film I'll watch later, it was a live stream - so you still had to be available to pay your respects at the designated time. Worked really well for us.

Is the "watch it later" thing? That could feel a bit mawkish.

Do mean filming, or do you mean live-streaming? If the service is going to be at a crematorium, then all they do is activate a camera on the back wall which gives a fixed view of the front of the chapel. A unique log-in is shared with those who can't be present - they are the only people who can view it. It is also usually viewable for a few weeks afterwards, then deleted. You can opt to download a copy to keep. I am a funeral celebrant, and I'd say 60% of the services I lead are live-streamed.

To me, filming implies someone wielding a camera, which feels much more intrusive, and I can understand that may not be what your DH wants.

Any idea what MiL's wishes would be? What was she like in life? Did she share lots of pictures, host family gatherings etc? If so then filming her funeral might be something that she would want. If she was a private person who didn't like to be photographed then maybe not.

Side issue but I didn't realise it was so common to livestream funerals. For various reasons I really don't like this idea but appreciate others have different views and experiences. Its probably something to add to the list of matters to discuss with loved ones for when the time comes.

Since the pandemic, most churches provide a live link so that people can watch the service as it happens. Can you find out if that is available? Provide the link, refuse to allow it be recorded for posterity so they can watch it as it happens but they won't have a recording of it. Might that work?
Sorry for your loss.

Well then you don't go, same as any event held in another country or whilst you're in hospital.
Funerals aren't spectator events.

Is it in a church ? Most churches here have a link on church services tv or parish website to watch live if you can't make the funeral. Don't know about other venues I agree with your husband it's private people are grieving. As a kid I had a relative die and some non family members brought a camcorder it was the 90s , so they could show it to dead relatives friends in England. To say we were disgusted was an understatement but they went ahead there's a copy at home I watched it once with my dad, so creepy .

I asked for my grandad's funeral to be live streamed as DH was in hospital at the time - we were able to watch it and felt part of it even though we were miles away.

I think you views on this are affected by who you would expect to attend a funeral. I've seen on here surprise that people would attend the funeral of a colleagues wife or a friends parent and similar whereas to me that's normal. But I wouldn't take a day off or more to travel to do it so would attend by streaming if possible.

😆 funerals are literally spectator events. You go to honour the dead, say your goodbyes and watch the body being buried or sent to be cremated (or in some cultures being cremated).

yes but unrecorded live link is not the same as filming.

Are there cultural considerations here? I’ve known some families film due to not being able to travel however I wouldn’t be able to have it filmed don’t think. What about a live stream instead? That somehow seems less intrusive as it’s not a recording

Recent funerals in our family have had live links for those that can't travel. These can be viewed at the time or later. I think they are an excellent solution and in no way disrespectful . If this is what is being suggested I would perhaps have a chat with the funeral directors to clarify who would have access. I can see why he wouldn't want some videographer jumping around and getting in the way as they often do at weddings but it might well be that the system is all set up unobtrusively at the crematorium. As far as do DH's feelings trump others I don't know. Everyone is allowed to grieve and although he might be 'chief mourner' so to speak it would be a great shame to make this into an issue and a difficult time. It might be hard to come back from.