To not want the funeral filmed

[Uniquely187]

Asking on behalf of DH.

Mil has sadly died. A family member wants to film the funeral for those who can't attend to watch. DH doesn't want this. Feels its a private event and not for viewing entertainment.

Sil wants it filmed as she feels it's important for those who can't attend to feel part of the day.

Do DHs feelings trump sil?

Sorry about your MIL.

The filmed funeral I’ve ‘been’ to have had one fixed camera.

All you can see is the coffin, priest and anyone speaking. You could see backs of heads of mourners but that was it.

You could have it live and no rewatching possible, password protested, posted to just a select few, available for just a short time or a combination of these.

What would MIL have wanted?

A lot of Church’s can/do live stream funerals, obviously depending on the wishes of the family. The cameras are set where you can’t really see the congregation.

It means a lot to the deceased’s child NOT to have his DMs funeral filmed. The people who can’t attend don’t call the shots, if they wanted so badly to watch, they’d make the effort.
I’m with the DH on this one - filming a funeral where there are people grieving is a gross invasion of privacy.

I think people are distinguishing between filming where you have to log in during the time of the funeral to watch it Vs a recording that could be watched repeatedly

I agree with your DH. We had a funeral recently and some of the family and friends lived 2.5hrs away and decided to opt to watch via link.

Sorry, but if you live 2.5hrs away, make the bloody effort. Otherwise you'll miss out! Of course there's other reasons why people can't attend, but i couldn't imagine sitting down watching a funeral on my TV. I'd just not go and deal with it however I felt necessary.

It depends who the people are who can't make it, I think, and the reason they can't make it.

Depends partly on who can't attend and why, live streaming is normal now and most live streaming companies allow the stream to be watched for 24 hours afterwards (to allow for work, time difference etc). If you have close family members in the military, off shore workers or similar who cannot watch within 24 hours then a recording seems the right thing to do. They don't film the congregation unless you are speaking and you dh doesn't have to watch it himself

What she said

My mum's and my uncle's funerals were both live streamed. I was unable to attend my uncle's funeral due to caring duties and distance, so it was wonderful to be able to watch his funeral, particularly the eulogy. Anyone who missed the livestream was able to view a recording for 7 days after the date of the funeral, then it was deleted. There is a code which is unique to the particular service, so it's not as if random people can watch. That would be weird. It is very discreet and completely unobtrusive. I am so glad I didn't miss saying goodbye to my lovely uncle.

We have family in a different culture so the majority of our funerals on both sides of my family are set up with a live link for us to attend remotely

The venue may not allow filming of a funeral by a person with a camera/phone.

And a professional videographer might be a bit of an intrusive presence.

Has that been checked?

If it goes ahead you should let everyone know in advance in case that affects their decision to go.

You should ask permission of everyone in the room, including the parents of any children.

And being clear about exactly what will be done with the footage - eg will it be shared on social media?

Some may object, especially if they would rather their grief not be recorded. Be prepared for the possibility of some getting upset and asking it to stop.

Ask if live streaming, not recording, of the funeral is offered. I've seen one, and it was done from the back of the venue with only faces of those who got up to speak shown.

Livestreams are recordings. The company that operates the livestream keeps the footage for a certain number of days in case the family comes back afterwards and says can they have a copy to keep. Obviously it's kept securely, and only the client who booked the funeral can give permission for someone to have a copy. The ones operated at crematoriums should only show the very front of the chapel - the priest/celebrant, anyone doing a reading, and the coffin itself.

My own opinion regarding this changed drastically.
DH died suddenly 20 months ago. Due to various things his funeral didn’t take place until around 6 weeks later.
At first my view was no live streaming as it was a private matter and anyone who cared that much about seeing it should be at the funeral.
I then realised that some people would be too elderly or frail to make the journey, plus several were abroad.
Eventually I agreed to the live stream. I was offered a copy of this, and am so pleased I accepted. I had intended to just put it away, but did actually watch it a few days later and was amazed to see some people there who I had no idea had attended. ( My DH was a bit of a character and the room at the crematorium was full to capacity so not easy to see everyone).
The filming was quite discreet and from the back, so apart from the people doing the readings faces were only visible as people were leaving.
I do think that it has to be a personal choice though, and if your DH isn’t comfortable with this I think he should get the final say. It’s not fair to upset him to enable more distant relatives or friends.

Sorry for your loss.
Before lockdown I’d have agreed.
DMum died during pandemic and close family were unable to attend. Having it filmed was essential and helped me get over my sense it shouldn’t be. Even cousins abroad were able to mourn.
If close people who wish to mourn your Mil really aren’t able to get there, why not. Now I would encourage it as it allows people to mourn with no downsides.
Yes someone watching may not be ‘solemn enough’, but someone within the church /crematorium might not be either. We can’t control others’ behaviour.

If your husband is closer to his late mum than the 'other family member' then his wishes are the ones that count.

What do you mean by his sister in law- is this his brother's wife?

She's not a blood relative so I don't think she has a right to choose or insist on anything.

Video camera was at front at side and only on those talking

it wasn’t turned round to see the mourners

That's not the same as filming it.

I wouldn't like it either, but if there were close family/friends eg grandchild travelling/lives abroad and cannot get there i would he open to that. If it is so a distant relative who isn't in contact then less bothered.

Find out what is involved at our church funerals are streamed but camera focus is on the alter and they do their best to avoid having those attending on screen. I have seen others where you can see the people attending though, just the backs of their heads.

I have heard of people sending link to those they want to be able to view rather than open to all too. That might be an option your dh can be more open too.

I think posters should consider who's asking for this.

Do DHs feelings trump sil?

Yes. Because she's not a family member in the same way. And she's actually got a bloody cheek when it's not actually her family.

It's not a blood relative- it's someone who's part of the family by marriage.

it's really nothing to do with them- it's immediate family who decide.

It’s pretty usual these days for funerals to be filmed. Typically in my experience this is a live stream that can be viewed for a limited time afterwards to those with the log in details. It’s always been very subtle in my experience, most people wouldn’t notice, and films the ‘front’ of the service not those attending.
I know people who have found it very comforting to be able to do this when various circumstances mean they cannot be there in person (and not as ‘entertainment’).

I assumed it is OP's sil which would be DH'S sister. If not then I agree DH and his brother decide.

It's not relevant what other people do surely.

The OP's husband doesn't want it. It's his call, not a family member by marriage.

I think a live stream is a good compromise. The funeral directors or church will do it tastefully so no mourners are on camera. They will only alter people with the login details to view it. It won’t be a video that is posted for anyone to watch and around forever.

Presumably we’re talking about the sister in law of the OP as in her husband’s sibling so as much of a direct relative as him?

It's unclear who she is.

If he's the son and she's the daughter, they need to try to compromise.

A lesson for us all- put your choices in your Will or when you arrange your funeral.