To not want the funeral filmed

[Uniquely187]

Asking on behalf of DH.

Mil has sadly died. A family member wants to film the funeral for those who can't attend to watch. DH doesn't want this. Feels its a private event and not for viewing entertainment.

Sil wants it filmed as she feels it's important for those who can't attend to feel part of the day.

Do DHs feelings trump sil?

I assumed "SIL" meant @Uniquely187 sister in law? So op's DH's sister? (And therefore very much immediate family)

If SIL is DHs sister then it's hard as they both have an equal say.
Honestly though I think if you mean a live stream I'd do it. If you mean filmed for people to keep and watch at a later date then no.

I has assumed sil was ops sil, so her she's sister and the deceased's daughter. In which case she has an equal right with the ops' husband and they'll need to find a compromise unless there is another equally close relative with an opinion.

But perhaps I misunderstood and you are right in which case yes dh's opinion is more important than theirs

I want to know why (if it is) his sister feels that other people's wishes are more important than immediate family.

I’m in Ireland and all the church funerals are all streamed here. I think it’s only available while it is actually on though, you can’t watch it back.

Different if she is trying to make a wedding video type camcorder movie of it.

So, like every problem, it depends.

Do you mean broadcast by live link or filmed on a phone and shared afterwards?

It's pretty standard these days for funerals to be broadcast for people who can't attend, it just shows the front of the venue. Someone random filming the whole event would be weird.

Who else would she be? The DH's sister-in-law? If so OP would have said so. She said SIL, so her SIL. Assuming it isn't OP's brother's wife who would be an entire irrelevance then it's obviously her DH's sister she's talking about. The other child of the deceased.

I could not attend my mothers funeral. It was live streamed and I hosted a few family and friends here in my home to take part (it was in another country) including 2 good friends of my mums and an elderly relative. I think your dh is being astonishingly selfish.

filming isn't like at a wedding with people wondering around and speaking to mourners. It's a fixed camera, discreetly placed and only the stage/pulpit are visible. Yes, restrict access and/or make it live with a link but to refuse to do it if there are people who cannot attend is selfish.

I don't know why she said 'another family member rather than 'my husband's sister'.

If they are brother and sister, and there are no more brothers or sisters who can't be there, I think she should do what her brother wants.

The other people who can't be there are not as important as the immediate family and their wishes.

It's not right that she should put the wishes of distant family or friends above her own brother's wishes.

She also said SIL. So it's quite clear.

I watched a filming of a funeral recently. I made best efforts to get their in person but due to cancelled trains I ended up having to go straight to the wake. So although I got to attend that bit in person I was really upset I missed the crematorium bit. The family had provided a live link (wider family in Australia weren’t able to attend) but I didn’t want to watch on the train. They provided the recording after just for me and I had to click a box to confirm I would watch it respectfully and not share the link further. I was so hard to watch by myself and really had to steel myself for it but I’m so glad I got the privilege to.

If your partner can the. Maybe record it but don’t provide the recording as default but only to those who genuinely can’t attend

I stand corrected. But the 'other family member' threw me off at first.

Have people actually been in contact to ask about this?

If so, why can't they attend?

That might help to put it in perspective?

For my Dad's funeral they had to request & be sent a link by email, it wasn't possible for "all & sundry" to watch.

In Ireland and they stream most funerals now so people can see who can’t come

Why would his opinion trump his sister's?

She clearly says it's SIL who wants it filmed?

Admittedly she doesn't specify who the people who can't make it who SIL wants it filmed for are, and I think that could make a difference. Eg if it's a sibling or grandchild of the deceased, and it's a genuine reason they can't attend, then I think they should do everything they can to accommodate them. Less important if it's just a vague idea that maybe some friends might not be able to get there.

My mother's funeral was filmed as the building had no live streaming facilities. We could just see the celebrant, the casket and the attendees seated, then the people who got up to deliver eulogies.

People who don't come to pay last respects, don't get to be part of it. I understand they can have valid reasons for not being able to attend, but not being able to attend is just that - not being able to be part of it.

I live abroad - work here, have children in school here. There have been occasions I’ve been unable to attend family members funerals, it absolutely broke my heart. I’ve been incredibly thankful when a live stream of funeral has been set up - I’ve been able to take the day off work to take part remotely and it’s given me that closure I very much needed. I’ve always respected the views of people back home but I truly feel that as long as the congregation isn’t filmed it’s okay. It truly would have broke my heart recently when my beloved aunt passed to be told I couldn’t pay my respects from afar. I couldn’t take the kids out of school and my passport had expired, which made me feel like the worst person alive. To then also miss the funeral would have torn me to shreds.

I have full respect and feel your DH but please, please explain how it can be done very tastefully and how much it could mean to those not present.
I understand not wanting it recorded on like a mobile device that’s stored forever and could end up on social media though.

Very sorry for your loss ❤️
She took a picture at his wake? Did she take a picture of his coffin? You're a much better woman than me I'd have put her out of the house if so

I would ask the funeral director for a live link, this will be available for about a month then it’s removed. I think it would be very sad not to have a live link for those who can’t attend. I wasn’t able to attend my brothers funeral but I was so grateful that I could in a sense be there and grieve with my extended family. There’s no way it was classed as viewing entertainment and I don’t know how anyone can say that about a funeral, it’s a very sad time that those who loved the deceased person and want to share in that final goodbye.

Let them know that MIL thought it was crass to film funerals and would have been horrified at the thought.

The film will show the service, not the mourners. We had this done for overseas relatives, it was very tasteful and a good way to include the overseas 'oldies' who couldn't attend.

There's a big difference between making a film of it and streaming it live. When my mother died, numbers were still restricted so we opted for the crematorium to stream it. The link does not remain forever (I think it was 2 days) therefore no film of it exists now. So no film was made.

My aunt by marriage passed away last year. Her mum lives in Hong Kong & she has brothers and sisters all over the world. So like pp, the funeral was streamed, so they could watch. I'm not comfortable with filming a funeral though. It's not the same context as a christening or a wedding. It seems inappropriate to keep something like that.

Your DH and SiL have to sort out their differences between themselves. They have equal say over the funeral arrangements.