To feel absolutely gutted that my in-laws have given away DH's birthday surprise?

[RossGellersCat]

I am very aware that this is a first world problem and am prepared to have my arse handed to me, but I'm absolutely gutted. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Context:
DH and I haven't been abroad together for 8 years. It's his 40th next month and as a surprise I've booked for the two of us to go to a country he's always wanted to go to but hasn't mentioned for a while (let's say Morocco). I've managed to organise childcare, worked overtime to fund the whole thing as we don't have a lot of money spare. He would never have guessed as we haven't holidayed due to those two factors, he knows I've asked him to book some A/L but he thinks it's for a UK-based activity. I've also never organised a surprise for him like this so this felt extra special. Due to cost it's also the only present I've got him (apart from very small things from our kids) and bought a nice personalised card to 'reveal' it on the day.

My MiL had asked me if we could visit them the weekend we're away so I explained why we couldn't and emphasised that it's a surprise and DH doesn't know. (You can guess where this is headed(!)) So last weekend we were there and within 5 minutes of walking in the door FiL says to both of us "So I hear you're off to Morocco?" I tried to look confused and said no, think you're mistaken. (While also doing mild dagger eyes) to which he said "But MiL told me you're talking DH there for his birthday?" I downplayed it again and then frantically mouthed at him (DH doesn't know!!) Managed to take him to one side and reinforce that it's a surprise, MiL was there too and confirmed that when she told FiL about it she'd said it was a surprise. I was feeling really upset but told myself that I might have bluffed it enough that DH didn't catch on. Then SiL found me a couple of hours later and said "DH doesn't know about Morroco does he?? Because dad (FiL) has just mentioned it in front of him". I don't know if she tried to cover it up in my absence, I didn't even know that she knew about the trip but I'm guessing MiL told everyone. I'm absolutely bloody gutted. I've saved and spent £700 on this, had managed to keep it a secret for 3 months and genuinely don't think DH would have guessed any of it but I'm now very confident that he knows.

I don't know whether it's better to just ask DH if he knows and let him be involved in it or try and hide my upset and act like it's all a surprise still.

To pre-empt some potential Qs, no my FiL doesn't have any memory problems/reason to not be able to keep secrets, don't think he said anything maliciously (he just doesn't think sometimes) and yes, I have 100% learnt never to tell my in-laws anything that I want kept a secret ever again. 🤦🏻‍♀️

AIBU for feeling really upset that someone else in seconds ruined what I worked so hard to be an amazing (and very unexpected) surprise?

Ahh that is really annoying op and I totally get why you're gutted. If it wasn't done in malice I really don't think there is any use dwelling on it though. Your FIL obviously didn't realise or remember or think twice before speaking. Annoying but we've all put our foot in our mouths before.

It may have taken the surprise element away but you still have a wonderful holiday to look forward to and now Dh knows you can plan and countdown together.

YANBU. Does FIL have form for this? If so you should have probably told a fib about why you weren't available

Yes, it's annoying and you might have lost the moment of the big surprise, but try to see it that it won't take away from the pleasure of the trip itself.

What you've lost in the surprise, your DH will have gained in the fun of being able to look forward to the trip over the next few weeks.

@dobbyisfree33 Thank you. My logical brain knows you're right, my emotional brain just wants to cry repeatedly!

Oh gosh, no you’re not unreasonable to be upset. But, it is what it is, it wasn’t done on purpose. If it were me, id not mention it and crack on with the ‘surprise’. When you look back on this, it’ll be with lovely memories from of the trip, not that the surprise was spoilt. Have a lovely time.

Tell him now and explain about FILs gaff. Awful of them but it’s done now. What a really lovely present. I would be so so happy if someone did something like that for me. He’s a very lucky man.

The childcare you’ve arranged… doesn’t involve your inlaws?

@SapphOhNo I don't think so, he actually helped to organise a surprise bday party for my MiL recently and didn't give any of that away. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Oh that's so annoying - especially with all the extra effort you've gone to put so many plans in place and work overtime. I'd be upset in that situation too, it takes away the joy of telling people about a surprise when other people have stuck their foot in it!

It's rude of your FIL, who's had it explained that it's a surprise multiple times - especially with no other impairments making him so thoughtless.

Hopefully you and DH will still have an amazing time!

My Mum has form for being useless with surprises, I would have told her we were going somewhere else!

Unfortunately, it’s a risk any time you reveal ‘secret’ information to anyone. Never mind, the treat will be just as fabulous, even if it’s no longer a surprise.

It's annoying but always a risk when you ask someone to keep something a secret.

You should have just declined meeting up with them by being vague and saying you have something in the pipeline for that weekend as a birthday present for their son.

No, because they aren't able to have our kids due to distance and they can't travel to us.

You and your in laws generally… not a great relationship?

I empathise. When I was young and newly dating DH, I arranged a trip to London to watch Phantom of the Opera. I even got my Dad to 'kidnap' DH and drive him around blindfolded before taking us to the train station. I told my future PIL as a courtesy, stressing that it was a complete secret.

Afterwards, he said 'Ah, so that's why my Dad left a Phantom of the Opera leaflet on my bed last week then...'

It's still a lovely surprise, you've done all the work and prepared a brilliant gift for him.

It's just that the surprise was revealed a bit earlier than expected. Talk to your dh, have a laugh about it with him, and enjoy your holiday.

It will become an ongoing family joke for years to come if you take it the right way.

What a vindictive spiteful man.

That is annoying and I understand why you’d be upset but it might be nice to plan the trip with your dh and get him to do his packing, holiday preparation. I love the anticipation of going on holiday so he might appreciate it too.

I have definitely learnt this lesson! Just wish it wasn't the hard way 😅🤦🏻‍♀️

Weird question

I think your being a bit silly, they haven't ruined what you have worked so hard for as the present is the holiday.

I think surprises are selfish, you get all the suspense and excitement and they get to miss out on months excitement and looking forward to a holiday, how does that make it more enjoyable for the recipient?

Presumably you’re dh was delighted and very touched and really looking forward to it?

The key is… does he have form for this and generally an unpleasant man?

I'd say good relationship! We only see my PiLs once every couple of months due to distance but have always got on well. We are quite different people in some ways but there wasn't any red flag that made me think they weren't trustworthy on this one.

Op, that’s awful and I wouldn’t hesitate to say to them both that going forward there wont be an ounce of trust between you and they can live with the consequence of what they’ve done.