To feel absolutely gutted that my in-laws have given away DH's birthday surprise?

[RossGellersCat]

I am very aware that this is a first world problem and am prepared to have my arse handed to me, but I'm absolutely gutted. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Context:
DH and I haven't been abroad together for 8 years. It's his 40th next month and as a surprise I've booked for the two of us to go to a country he's always wanted to go to but hasn't mentioned for a while (let's say Morocco). I've managed to organise childcare, worked overtime to fund the whole thing as we don't have a lot of money spare. He would never have guessed as we haven't holidayed due to those two factors, he knows I've asked him to book some A/L but he thinks it's for a UK-based activity. I've also never organised a surprise for him like this so this felt extra special. Due to cost it's also the only present I've got him (apart from very small things from our kids) and bought a nice personalised card to 'reveal' it on the day.

My MiL had asked me if we could visit them the weekend we're away so I explained why we couldn't and emphasised that it's a surprise and DH doesn't know. (You can guess where this is headed(!)) So last weekend we were there and within 5 minutes of walking in the door FiL says to both of us "So I hear you're off to Morocco?" I tried to look confused and said no, think you're mistaken. (While also doing mild dagger eyes) to which he said "But MiL told me you're talking DH there for his birthday?" I downplayed it again and then frantically mouthed at him (DH doesn't know!!) Managed to take him to one side and reinforce that it's a surprise, MiL was there too and confirmed that when she told FiL about it she'd said it was a surprise. I was feeling really upset but told myself that I might have bluffed it enough that DH didn't catch on. Then SiL found me a couple of hours later and said "DH doesn't know about Morroco does he?? Because dad (FiL) has just mentioned it in front of him". I don't know if she tried to cover it up in my absence, I didn't even know that she knew about the trip but I'm guessing MiL told everyone. I'm absolutely bloody gutted. I've saved and spent £700 on this, had managed to keep it a secret for 3 months and genuinely don't think DH would have guessed any of it but I'm now very confident that he knows.

I don't know whether it's better to just ask DH if he knows and let him be involved in it or try and hide my upset and act like it's all a surprise still.

To pre-empt some potential Qs, no my FiL doesn't have any memory problems/reason to not be able to keep secrets, don't think he said anything maliciously (he just doesn't think sometimes) and yes, I have 100% learnt never to tell my in-laws anything that I want kept a secret ever again. 🤦🏻‍♀️

AIBU for feeling really upset that someone else in seconds ruined what I worked so hard to be an amazing (and very unexpected) surprise?

It's annoying but now it's done, why don't you make a little something of telling him? Give him a beer and an envelope with the details or something? Have a laugh together about why.

I'd hate a surprise holiday. Not because I dislike surprises in themselves but that half the joy of a holiday is looking forward to it and planning. I'd feel a bit cheated of that bit.

Absolutely @RossGellersCat YANBU for feeling upset that all your careful planning for a massive surprise was blown by your FIL's thoughtlessness.

I remember some research reported a few years ago, which found that around 50% of the benefits of a holiday come from the anticipation. I can see how that could be. If the surprise is gone, the lovely holiday is still there to be enjoyed and your loving actions appreciated for what they are. Maybe sit him down over a nice meal and talk him through the preparations you have made, so he will understand the levels of care you put into celebrating his 40th- he'll feel very loved. And he'll have a couple of weeks of wonderful anticipation to add to the specialness of the gift.
My DM used to say 'if you make someone a present of your horse, part of the gift is your walk home afterwards'. Make sure your DH knows the lengths you went to as that's in many ways a more lasting gift than the money you spent.

Wishing your DH a fantastic birthday and a really special break for the two of you.

God I hope this isn't it, but she did say to me during that visit (after a few glasses of wine) "Just remember... He was mine first". She said it in a half-jokey way but now I'm wondering if it was jokey vs passive aggressive 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Aww, I’m really gutted for you.

Maybe he still doesn’t suspect?

If you think there’s a chance he does, you can tell him that you’ve organised a surprise party at home and your FIL was being a knob trying to put him off the scent? Act as if you’re devastated and mention local caterers etc. and he might believe you then you can still do the proper surprise on the day?

I organised a holiday for my DH’s big birthday and it involved visiting our adult DC who live overseas. They were brilliant at helping book places to visit and keeping it all a secret. We even had a separate secret WhatsApp group for the planning. Must admit, I was certain that one of the lads would accidentally reply on the wrong family WhatsApp group but amazingly, they didn’t. I only told DH we were going the day before and he was completely blindsided then started panicking about changing money etc. 😂

A good life lesson is "never tell anyone a secret you can't keep yourself"!

But the OP has had he's not being whisked away on his birthday - he gets the surprise then, the trip is a few weeks later to give him time to enjoy preparations.

Agreed - Morocco's probably more affordable than Cornwall!

I wish people would take responsibility for not keeping their gobs shut. Overall. My friend told everyone about my fertility problems. My friend is asking to borrow money from me all the time because I inherited. My friend is asking to move in because we now have a spare room with my dc going to uni. Who leaked this information about fertility problems, inheritance, a spare room, Morocco? What is this incessant need 'to share'. This is a surprise, so keep it secret - no need to divulge the location, is there? The less anyone knows, the better. Why disclose the location to PILs? Why?

I think I must be misunderstanding this.

Your FIL mentioned it to DH twice in the space of a few hours, despite a) knowing beforehand it was a surprise and b) being told by you again after the first time to keep quiet?

AND they’ve asked you to organise a surprise party for him on their behalf?

AND your MIL is reminding you he was “hers” first?

Are we REALLY saying this wasn’t intentional?!

What a strange thing to say.

Sounds as if she might be pissed off if she perceives your holiday surprise as bettering her party?

Do you think that she "forgot" to tell FIL that it was a surprise/secret?

One of my dses did something similar, when dh planned a surprise trip to Egypt for my 40th, @RossGellersCat - and I can promise you it didn't spoil the trip at all. It was still a lovely surprise, even though I got it a bit earlier than dh had intended, and we knew ds3 hadn't let the cat out of the bag on purpose.

In some ways it made it better, because I had time to look forward to the trip, knowing where I was going.

I am sure you will still have a wonderful holiday, and your dh will appreciate the effort you went to, to surprise him.

Lol, the leaflet is unhinged.

One time I arranged a surprise party for my parents' wedding anniversary, using my nan's house as the venue as she still lived in the village they got married in, and many of my parents' friends and relatives still lived in the area. It was months in the planning and even involved my sister flying back from abroad. We used her as the cover to say we'd all go out for dinner when she was back, so bring something nice to wear. We managed to get my parents to her house the night before, then my nan just bottled it and confessed to the real reason they were there.

It didn't ruin the party, and my dad then got really excited and got involved in the procuring of alcohol, etc. But it was disappointing that my nan couldn't hold it in for one more day!

I know how you feel, only I was the one who let it slip 😂... 8 bloody months I'd kept the surprise of where I was taking my other half...then it just came out of my mouth quite unexpectedly as I was talking about architecture. He knew he was going somewhere.
But you know what, it was lovely in that last couple of weeks, getting excited together and planning stuff. Yes, we laugh about it now 🤣

I totally disagree. I have surprised my DH a couple of times with holidays and he has loved that he knew nothing about them beforehand.

I would be absolutely furious if a blabbermouth ruined a surprised I was planning

Obviously it's annoying. But on the other hand, the anticipation of an event such as a holiday can be hugely exciting and joyful. So maybe your DH will get lots of positives from having the secret revealed early.

Gosh. This potentially changes it somewhat I think. I mean, who would say that? That’s creepy…

Some responses are seriously fucking nuts. If the OP thinks that it wasn't malicious why do people who have far less knowledge of the situation insist that it was.

OP lucky it wasn't your DH who screwed up otherwise it would be LTB

So he was told a few times that it was a surprise but continued to bring it up in front of your DH?

Elderly or not, the man is a prick.

Yes - I must admit it looks like that to me - he was determined to tell him. Doing it twice and not apologising isn’t good!!

We had to make sure FIL didn’t gift DS1 something in front of my DF which would have upset my DF (a type of special family item that had been lost to our family), but FIL was determined that DS should have it on a milestone birthday with both families there. I made it clear to DH that it could only be given once my DF had left. Fortunately PIL respected that.

When I was about nine, I had a pair of knickers which (with hindsight) bizarrely had “Anticipation is half the fun!” written across the front. As inappropriate as that message may have been on a pair of child’s knickers, the sentiment is true.

Your irritation with your idiot FIL is completely justified, but your husband may actually get more joy from the whole thing if he knows in advance. You can sit together in the evenings, googling all the places he’d like to go when you’re there, and all the restaurants he’d like to try. He’ll love it! It’s a lovely present, and it’s so nice that you’ve organised everything. That’s enough of a gift. Don’t let your in-laws take away another moment of your happiness. Hope you and your husband have a wonderful time away.

Difficult to say, but I would be guarded in the future.

The main red flag for me is that neither MIL nor FIL are embarrassed or ashamed about having spoilt the surprise. I would have expected them to profusely apologise for scuppering your extensive and expensive plans. I can’t understand why they wouldn’t be really very sorry - even if it was an accident.

The next red flag is that MIL was explicitly told it was secret by OP and FIL was explicitly told it was a secret by MIL. How could this have been misunderstood? Unless someone in this situation is essentially stupid or unable to listen to words clearly spoken to them, then someone is a turd.

Lastly you don’t know them that well as you don’t see them much and don’t live nearby. So, they’ve revealed in this situation that they are either nasty or incompetent or both.

The holiday will be great though - and if PIL bring it up, I couldn’t resist telling them that it was supposed to be a birthday surprise and you’ll never be telling them anything again. Whatever the reason for FIL blurting it out, MIL has hopefully bollocked him.

Haha luckily I'm getting better at reading people's different opinions on MN and not getting too hung up on any that don't align with what I believe is fair or truthful etc. I think I have actually been told to LTB on here once in the past for a minor misgiving of DH. Still happily married 🤣

It is helpful to hear other's perspectives as it can be hard to see things differently if you're inside the bubble as it were. I can't explain why FiL mentioned it again after being explicitly asked not to (unless SiL lied about that and did it to wind me up, but then she didn't know about the first tongue slip and I don't want to believe she'd do that either). I honestly can't explain it and agree it doesn't make any sense. I don't think he's that forgetful and doesn't seem to have had any recent difficulties keeping other things secret/ holding things back.

This has happened to me - an almost identical story to yours, in fact. I tried to carry on pretending like he didn’t maybe know, but I regret that now as I just felt a bit silly on the day of “Surprise!” because I couldn’t tell if it really was. It bugged at me a lot on the trip itself which is a shame.

So, in hindsight, I would do this: I would arrange a dinner at home one evening themed to the location (so if Morocco, tagine!) and I’d do a bottle of bubbles and a card with the boarding passes in and say “Happy early birthday present - I think your Dad might have already given the game away - but anyway, we’re going and I can’t wait!”

Then you’ll have a laugh about it and by the time the trip comes, all the disappointment and pressure of the surprise will be far behind you.

It was definitely passive aggressive.

OP I think your DH will be beyond touched and believe it's not only wonderful you've done this for him, but that you've been so lovely as to try to hide it as a big surprise all this time. I think he'll get all this time to be excited and look forward to it, as well as seeing you still continue the cover up. What a sweet thing you're doing!