To feel absolutely gutted that my in-laws have given away DH's birthday surprise?

[RossGellersCat]

I am very aware that this is a first world problem and am prepared to have my arse handed to me, but I'm absolutely gutted. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Context:
DH and I haven't been abroad together for 8 years. It's his 40th next month and as a surprise I've booked for the two of us to go to a country he's always wanted to go to but hasn't mentioned for a while (let's say Morocco). I've managed to organise childcare, worked overtime to fund the whole thing as we don't have a lot of money spare. He would never have guessed as we haven't holidayed due to those two factors, he knows I've asked him to book some A/L but he thinks it's for a UK-based activity. I've also never organised a surprise for him like this so this felt extra special. Due to cost it's also the only present I've got him (apart from very small things from our kids) and bought a nice personalised card to 'reveal' it on the day.

My MiL had asked me if we could visit them the weekend we're away so I explained why we couldn't and emphasised that it's a surprise and DH doesn't know. (You can guess where this is headed(!)) So last weekend we were there and within 5 minutes of walking in the door FiL says to both of us "So I hear you're off to Morocco?" I tried to look confused and said no, think you're mistaken. (While also doing mild dagger eyes) to which he said "But MiL told me you're talking DH there for his birthday?" I downplayed it again and then frantically mouthed at him (DH doesn't know!!) Managed to take him to one side and reinforce that it's a surprise, MiL was there too and confirmed that when she told FiL about it she'd said it was a surprise. I was feeling really upset but told myself that I might have bluffed it enough that DH didn't catch on. Then SiL found me a couple of hours later and said "DH doesn't know about Morroco does he?? Because dad (FiL) has just mentioned it in front of him". I don't know if she tried to cover it up in my absence, I didn't even know that she knew about the trip but I'm guessing MiL told everyone. I'm absolutely bloody gutted. I've saved and spent £700 on this, had managed to keep it a secret for 3 months and genuinely don't think DH would have guessed any of it but I'm now very confident that he knows.

I don't know whether it's better to just ask DH if he knows and let him be involved in it or try and hide my upset and act like it's all a surprise still.

To pre-empt some potential Qs, no my FiL doesn't have any memory problems/reason to not be able to keep secrets, don't think he said anything maliciously (he just doesn't think sometimes) and yes, I have 100% learnt never to tell my in-laws anything that I want kept a secret ever again. 🤦🏻‍♀️

AIBU for feeling really upset that someone else in seconds ruined what I worked so hard to be an amazing (and very unexpected) surprise?

So you’ve known him years and have a good relationship

so it was a genuine mistake rather than malicious

I would just maintain the surprise. If he has guessed then he'll either ask you directly or he will realise it's meant to be a surprise and let you have that moment. He'll realise they are to blame not you.

Either way you are going to have a fab time away together, he will be happy so just enjoy it!

Have a great time

I totally get why you're upset! It's annoying and thoughtless of FIL but as you say, not malicious.

I'm sure your DH has probably clocked on what the surprise is and doesn't want to mention it as he's feeling awkward that his parents ruined the surprise 🙄 tell him now the cat's out of the bag and you can both look forward to your trip - maybe have a look at where you're going together and plan some activities while you're there. You'll still have a wonderful time and hopefully DH will be very appreciative of all the effort you've made. He's very lucky! 💐

Once is a mistake. He did it on purpose. I’d ask him why and allow him to apologise. You can tell him he’s upset you. He’s not god.

Honestly I'd say it's not been excitement for me, more like stress as I've never had to keep anything like this a secret before. DH enjoys surprises, he's told me this many times before, whereas I wouldn't like it myself!

I deliberately booked the trip for a few weeks after his birthday so that he has time to look forward to it / plan activities together and buy anything he wants to take with him. I've tried to be thoughtful in that way as I agree it's not helpful to whisk someone away with no notice.

Yes, as I said in my OP I don't think to the best of my knowledge that FiL was being intenionally malicious. Though why he apparently then mentioned it again later it beyond me.

so it was a genuine mistake rather than malicious

Granted I may not have understood the opening post but it appears to me FIL mentioned the surprise more than once and it was deliberate/malicious.

Why would it? My in-laws don’t look after my children. They made it clear when I was pregnant that they wouldn’t and they never have, not even for 10 minutes while we do something else.

Same. It’s very difficult to see how he could make an “innocent” mistake so many times in the same visit. if you accidentally mention something someone doesn’t know about, you’re mortified and shut up about it, surely… you don’t go and restart the conversation once you’ve been explicitly reminded that it’s a secret.

Yet another thread where people claim the OP is unreasonable to be upset when someone does something shitty. It wasn't a mistake or an accident or a misunderstanding, and being upset is a normal reaction to someone being a massive dick.

I think surprises are overrated. My mum's surprises for my dad invariably had him thinking he had been told but he'd forgotten. I doubt that the brief pleasure of the surprise for the recipient ever matches the conspiratorial excitement of the surpriser.

Edit: Sorry OP, had missed your update post with the full plan and DH being a surprise-lover.

So after many many years of being a pleasant man who the Op gets on well with, posters are suggesting that he suddenly has turned nasty and malicious?

Why are you so adamant in your OP that he doesn’t perhaps have the beginning of a memory issue?

The OP was the one who communicated the information to the MIL who disseminated it in the first place, though. Once you tell someone something, it’s out of your hands, whether it’s passed on subsequently by accident, malice or absent-mindedness.

Oh dear, some people are absolutely useless at keeping things to themselves! There are a couple in my family that I wouldn’t chance letting slip to either. It can be enthusiasm and excitement, combined with an impulsive nature rather than malice. Your MIL should know though that he is like this and have restrained herself from sharing. Unless she is rather similar herself!
Nothing is really lost though so don’t let your emotions spoil things. Your husband is going to be delighted that you have gone to all this effort for him and you will both have an amazing time.

I'd be livid .

I imagine your husband now has worked it out.

Your in-laws are awful people. There's absolutely no excuse whatsoever for blurting it out, they KNEW. It's not like they made a comment without thinking during a conversation.

You can't change what they've done, so reveal the "surprise" now and let your DH look forward to the whole thing. It's even better than a surprise

It's not like a

Sounds totally malicious to me , especially if you told him and he still went on to do it again . If it wasn’t deliberate then he’s got the onset of memory problems . Hope you have a lovely holiday @RossGellersCat and don’t tell your in-laws anything in future .

I’m sure your husband knows where he’s going on holiday now so just tell him what you have planned. Surprises are over rated anyway, he’ll get more joy out of looking forward to the holiday and the excitement that entails.

It was a rubbish thing to do, but you can't change that now. Don't let it colour the whole holiday! The surprise came a bit early that's all. Try and laugh about it with DH and share the anticipation together. Feels a bit weird not to mention it when you know he knows.

And next time don't tell PILs!

Your DH knows now, do you may as well ask him ouright and then enjoy the remaining time looking forward to it together.

I'd be pretty upset too - even if it was an error, that doesn't mean it's not upsetting to the person who's planned it. And, I tend to think, that someone who made a genuine error and revealed a £700 surprise acidentally would be pretty upset at themselves and apologise to you.

That said, it's done now, so I wouldn't hold a grudge. But I also would have MIL and FIL marked up as not too trustworthy when it comes to secrets like this in future...

The op says she’s had years and years of a good relationship with these people

and on the basis of this one incident, you conclude they’re “awful people”?

I know this isn't the point, I'd be gutted too; but what a generous thoughtful thing to book a trip for your husband. Your in-laws spoiling the surprise won't stop you having a wonderful time, nor from him appreciating the effort, sacrifice and planning that has gone into organising it. Lucky man, I hope you have a fab holiday!

Only if he did it deliberately, surely.

Yeah ,mine have done something similar to me in the past .
Now I tell them absolutely nothing,not a thing about any off us .
My DH never tells them anything anyway ,,it's their own fault.
You will still have a lovely time ,don't let them ruin this for you all .
And make sure you never tell them anything again