To feel absolutely gutted that my in-laws have given away DH's birthday surprise?

[RossGellersCat]

I am very aware that this is a first world problem and am prepared to have my arse handed to me, but I'm absolutely gutted. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Context:
DH and I haven't been abroad together for 8 years. It's his 40th next month and as a surprise I've booked for the two of us to go to a country he's always wanted to go to but hasn't mentioned for a while (let's say Morocco). I've managed to organise childcare, worked overtime to fund the whole thing as we don't have a lot of money spare. He would never have guessed as we haven't holidayed due to those two factors, he knows I've asked him to book some A/L but he thinks it's for a UK-based activity. I've also never organised a surprise for him like this so this felt extra special. Due to cost it's also the only present I've got him (apart from very small things from our kids) and bought a nice personalised card to 'reveal' it on the day.

My MiL had asked me if we could visit them the weekend we're away so I explained why we couldn't and emphasised that it's a surprise and DH doesn't know. (You can guess where this is headed(!)) So last weekend we were there and within 5 minutes of walking in the door FiL says to both of us "So I hear you're off to Morocco?" I tried to look confused and said no, think you're mistaken. (While also doing mild dagger eyes) to which he said "But MiL told me you're talking DH there for his birthday?" I downplayed it again and then frantically mouthed at him (DH doesn't know!!) Managed to take him to one side and reinforce that it's a surprise, MiL was there too and confirmed that when she told FiL about it she'd said it was a surprise. I was feeling really upset but told myself that I might have bluffed it enough that DH didn't catch on. Then SiL found me a couple of hours later and said "DH doesn't know about Morroco does he?? Because dad (FiL) has just mentioned it in front of him". I don't know if she tried to cover it up in my absence, I didn't even know that she knew about the trip but I'm guessing MiL told everyone. I'm absolutely bloody gutted. I've saved and spent £700 on this, had managed to keep it a secret for 3 months and genuinely don't think DH would have guessed any of it but I'm now very confident that he knows.

I don't know whether it's better to just ask DH if he knows and let him be involved in it or try and hide my upset and act like it's all a surprise still.

To pre-empt some potential Qs, no my FiL doesn't have any memory problems/reason to not be able to keep secrets, don't think he said anything maliciously (he just doesn't think sometimes) and yes, I have 100% learnt never to tell my in-laws anything that I want kept a secret ever again. 🤦🏻‍♀️

AIBU for feeling really upset that someone else in seconds ruined what I worked so hard to be an amazing (and very unexpected) surprise?

I feel your pain. My FIL kept blabbing on our WhatsApp group when I had organised a surprise 40th bday party for my husband with special friends and family. He kept saying 'see you on Saturday' etc and I just had to downplay it and get him to delete his messages. Thankfully husband had no clue. Never tell the in laws 😂

Oh that’s harsh. John Lewis did this to me at Christmas as i used DH’s points card and it e-mai lol ed him to review his purchase!

just a thought though if it’s been 8 years since you’ve been abroad are both passports valid?

Aw OP. What a hard lesson to learn for you about these people and what you share with them.

It's still a lovely, lovely surprise. It is so fantastic.

As others said, let it go - don't carry this to the holiday and spoil it for yourself.

Next time you will remember to be vague, not overshare, protect your privacy.

"No MIL. No can do next weekend. We are away. Local trip."

I would take a massive step back. Such a horrible thing to do to you.

What a pair of twats.

Hold up - so you actually asked dh if he knows about a surprise you have planned, that you don't want to give away? Or am I missing something?

"Hey dh, I told your mum a secret. Has she or your dad let onto you about it?"
"No, but you have now"

I think the problem is that by posting on here everyone will insist on ‘digging’ and you end up with all sorts of theories being thrown around.
I think to just accept FIL made a mistake, as you mentioned check with DH to see if he knows, and whatever the answer is just enjoy and have an amazing time.

I think the PP was saying what the OP could say to put her DH off the scent. Not saying she herself couldn’t afford Cornwall!

My own father ruined my engagement, before my husband proposed he called my father to tell him. My father then messaged me congratulating me before my husband had even proposed! I understand your frustration completely.

Why would you ask that ? Even if they were involved in childcare it doesn’t give them a right to blab !!

I wonder sometimes if people do this sort of thing just to stir up the s🤬t , cause an upset, they like to play a game of silly buggars ! Then say-what ?! What have I done?!
all quite pathetic really

They stole your moment in breaking the exciting news which was inconsiderate and disrespectful of them. After all, you have put all this effort and sacrifice into the preparation, not them . Maybe there were really excited, but no excuse.It might be worth saying something to your parents in law about how you feel. But otherwise have a lovely holiday!

do you think MIL might feel jealous that your surprise is better than hers and so has (consciously or unconsciously!) engaged in a bit of sabotage?

this could be total projection on my part as my DM is a terror for sharing all personal information as though it is her own… for which reason I now only tell her what I am happy for everyone else to know! I told her I was pregnant before 12 week scan and asked her to promise not to tell anyone… the next day I had a congratulatory text from her best friend’s daughter. The next pregnancy I didn’t breathe a word to her

Argh so annoying. My DH is just like this. He couldn’t keep a secret if his like depended on it. You have my sympathy. Hopefully DH is like his dad and slow on the uptake 😂

I sympathise. All you can do now is make sure you never tell your ILs any secrets ever again. My dad was like this. Couldn’t keep a secret.
My brother and I agreed never to ‘burden’ him again with a secret.
One Christmas my DB showed my DF a ring he’d bought his GF.
Day before Xmas Eve my DF said to DB’s GF ‘Has he given you the ring yet?’ Say no more.

All these replies saying it probably wasn't on purpose, I'm sorry but the way it reads your FIL did it TWICE. He knew what he was doing. I'm.so sorry for the op planning all this and then having it wrecked. I'd be gutted.

My soon to be FIL did this for my fiancé’s upcoming stag. A group of 15 men kept it secret for ages - first time we’ve seen him in the flesh in months and he gives it away. Im not even involved but gutted for him! You’ve every right to feel upset!

Make sure all passports are in date

Buy travel insurance

Happy 40 birthday

BTW
You did not have to tell anyone where you were going on holiday

I have had some surprise holidays booked for me & I have not known until I got to the airport

I agree FIL did this on purpose. Watch out for him in the future. My exFIL was ostensibly a lovely man. But actually he was incredibly sly and spiteful.
The worst thing he did was telling my 14yo DD that her DF (my exH) had got engaged when he knew she didn't know yet. ExH was living abroad at the time and she was staying the night with her GPs before flying out solo the next day (the other DCs had a different half term so had flown separately). The DCs had never met the fiancée and didn't know their DF even had a new partner. So me and exH had agreed that the DCs should meet her first and then be told about the engagement at the next meeting so they could absorb the news and get to know her first.
FIL rode roughshod over the whole thing and asked her how she felt about her father's "news". She had to then get on a 7 hour flight on her own with all of that swirling round her head.
Abominable man. This was the final act which caused the scales to fall from my eyes and I saw all his little faux pas behaviour in the past for what they really were.
Like a PP said he didn't just put his foot in it once. He did it again in front of SIL.

It's annoying, but I would still carry on with your original plan. He may have overheard and have his suspicions, but he can't know for sure until you tell him and it is a lovely thing to be wondering about.

Reiterate to all, that you are still keeping it a secret and you would appreciate them not saying a word to him.

Don't dwell on their idiocy. It is still a lovely present and nothing major has been spoiled.

Hey OP,
I totally understand why you would feel upset, I would do! Your feelings are totally normal.

However for your own sake, moving forward, as much as a surprise is truly lovely, I also think anticipation is so lovely too. So be proud of yourself that you have organised the whole trip and childcare and funded it all secretly for the last few months. And now for this final month, your husband could have the anticipation of looking forward to a child free few days in a lovely location... X

@RossGellersCat I feel you OP! I got my husband tickets to a show I knew he'd love to see for Christmas, I bought tickets for him, me and my MIL as its a week she usually visits. Checked with her before booking, she knew it was a surprise gift etc. was enthusiastic about coming with us. Christmas Eve night she starts chatting with him about us all going to the show over a few glasses of wine when I wasn't in the room. Fully believe it was an accidental slip, but how frustrating!
Hubby made all the right noises on opening my gift, but confessed later he'd already known. People eh.

My FIL tasked DH and me with organising a surprise 80th birthday party for MIL as he was worried that he wouldn't be able to keep it a secret.

The day before the party, he said to her "So, are you looking forward to the party tomorrow?" She was confused and said "What party?" He replied "Your surpr...... Oh. Sorry." FFS!!!

O doubt this has been done with malice. I'm guessing mil told him you were taking him fir his birthday and he didn't hear the secret bit. Or she didn't tell him. Still act like it's a suprise. If he has an inkling it'll build up his anticipation

I would be clear with his mum she's ruined the suprise though and never tell tell them anything again

I would say to FIL, I hope you are not expecting to visit us again because after your performance over spoiling the surprise for your son's holiday I don't feel I can be hospitable without resentment.
Reveal everything to DH now, and tell him you won't be welcoming his parents anytime soon.
Also if your FIL has no trouble keeping secrets, and understands the importance (as he has done this himself) I don't really see how this can have been an accident. I think you may have very much overestimated how much they like you- it's a spiteful and vindictive thing to do to someone who has never done you any harm.
Be satisfied that you will not have to see them for some considerable time, and go on your holiday and enjoy every minute- but be sure your DH is aware how upset you are about this, and that you don't see how it can have been a mistake.

If it was done with no malice, why did he bring it up again when dsil was there? You'd already reinforced it was a surprise!