To feel absolutely gutted that my in-laws have given away DH's birthday surprise?

[RossGellersCat]

I am very aware that this is a first world problem and am prepared to have my arse handed to me, but I'm absolutely gutted. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Context:
DH and I haven't been abroad together for 8 years. It's his 40th next month and as a surprise I've booked for the two of us to go to a country he's always wanted to go to but hasn't mentioned for a while (let's say Morocco). I've managed to organise childcare, worked overtime to fund the whole thing as we don't have a lot of money spare. He would never have guessed as we haven't holidayed due to those two factors, he knows I've asked him to book some A/L but he thinks it's for a UK-based activity. I've also never organised a surprise for him like this so this felt extra special. Due to cost it's also the only present I've got him (apart from very small things from our kids) and bought a nice personalised card to 'reveal' it on the day.

My MiL had asked me if we could visit them the weekend we're away so I explained why we couldn't and emphasised that it's a surprise and DH doesn't know. (You can guess where this is headed(!)) So last weekend we were there and within 5 minutes of walking in the door FiL says to both of us "So I hear you're off to Morocco?" I tried to look confused and said no, think you're mistaken. (While also doing mild dagger eyes) to which he said "But MiL told me you're talking DH there for his birthday?" I downplayed it again and then frantically mouthed at him (DH doesn't know!!) Managed to take him to one side and reinforce that it's a surprise, MiL was there too and confirmed that when she told FiL about it she'd said it was a surprise. I was feeling really upset but told myself that I might have bluffed it enough that DH didn't catch on. Then SiL found me a couple of hours later and said "DH doesn't know about Morroco does he?? Because dad (FiL) has just mentioned it in front of him". I don't know if she tried to cover it up in my absence, I didn't even know that she knew about the trip but I'm guessing MiL told everyone. I'm absolutely bloody gutted. I've saved and spent £700 on this, had managed to keep it a secret for 3 months and genuinely don't think DH would have guessed any of it but I'm now very confident that he knows.

I don't know whether it's better to just ask DH if he knows and let him be involved in it or try and hide my upset and act like it's all a surprise still.

To pre-empt some potential Qs, no my FiL doesn't have any memory problems/reason to not be able to keep secrets, don't think he said anything maliciously (he just doesn't think sometimes) and yes, I have 100% learnt never to tell my in-laws anything that I want kept a secret ever again. 🤦🏻‍♀️

AIBU for feeling really upset that someone else in seconds ruined what I worked so hard to be an amazing (and very unexpected) surprise?

Could you get FiL to fib and tell DH that he got it wrong and meant Monaco?

I mean, never say never but without being too outing I work in that area and wouldn't say he raises any red flags in terms of memory/ general cognitive decline.

But you hardly see him.

If you’ve had many many years of a good relationship with him
I wouldn’t presume that not the beginning. Very odd to mention twice

Go out for a meal with dh, and then tell him that although he may already know you have planned a surprise holiday for his birthday.

As a silver lining, it gives you both a few weeks to get excited about the trip, which will be fun!

Yanbu. Mistake or malice (I hope just mistake), I'd be upset too. Yes first world problem and all that but you've a right to be a bit sad! I felt similar when MIL told all DH side of the family I was pregnant with our first. We were going to tell them asap but she couldn't keep her gob shut for literally a week til we saw them all in person, lesson learned not to trust her with any kind of secret! You will still have a lovely time and DH I'm sure will be hugely appreciative and still surprised that you've done it for him, just that he knows a little earlier than planned

He may not have the beginnings of cognitive decline but still probably let the secret out accidentally. I know young people who I would never trust with a secret like that as I know they engage mouth before brain.

I know this isn't the point of the thread at all, but as you both haven't been abroad for a number of years have you checked that both of your passports are still valid and are not about to expire?

Thanks for all replies, they've come a bit too quickly for me to reply to all! FiL didn't apologise, but I don't know how to explain that I think that's just his usual way of handling things without making him sound bad. (He's a quiet and considered man, wouldn't describe him as impulsive or nasty or anything of the sort). My best guess for the first time is he made a mistake. I didn't witness the later incident but assume that SiL was being truthful.

And everyone is right, I'm sure we'll still have a lovely time and this will be something we joke about in years to come. I think I'll feel better after his birthday, just feels horrible in the middle bit. Especially as he wanted a surprise himself so in some ways I feel this situation has deprived him as much as it has me. (DH would never say that though as he won't want any ill feelings between us and his family, which I understand).

OP I tried to organise a very special gift for my stepmother on her 70th birthday (I was having something made). I needed some information which I asked my Dad to find out & get back to me about, asking him to do this discreetly in order to retain the element of surprise.... The next thing I get is my stepmother on the phone who has clearly been told everything! When I asked my father about this he just said grumpily, "well it was easier just to ask her to speak to you about it" -in other words he just couldn't be bothered to make any sort of effort for something he considered so unimportant

That is a shame. Gobby FIL. Tell your husband properly yourself now as he will still be surprised by the whole plan. What a lovely gift.

I love this idea, but can't think of another country that sounds vaguely similar to where we are actually going! 🤣 (Used Morocco as an example).

Yes 100!% I did this before even booking flights. DH has been abroad alone briefly for work a couple of years ago and mine was renewed just before we went away last time so all good. 😊

Or Morecambe!

It's such a lovely thing to arrange and totally understand why you're gutted. Whilst the surprise might be blown the actual enjoyment you'll have on the trip won't be spoiled.

Some people just don't think and balls up surprises - one arsehole wrote 'enjoy your surprise party at the weekend' in an 70th birthday card to my Dad

What a twat, I wouldn’t really want to speak to him ever again. I bet he’s the type that just has his wife do everything for him and he can act like a giant man-baby?

“well you didn’t specifically tell me not to say anything, how was I meant to know” etc!

Lesson learned and you’ll have a fab time regardless. But yes I would be very upset too.

I'm so sorry that happened to you, you have all my empathy. You tried though, which I think says a lot about your thoughtfulness and kindness. Did your stepmother appreciate the gift despite knowing about it?

I think your FIL wanted to be the one to tell your DH. So he did and he’s a twat.

So annoying! Reminds me of when dh and I arranged our secret wedding (we were literally telling no one), but the registry office phoned me at work. I was really careful to walk into an empty quiet space to answer a couple of questions, but unknown to me a colleague was nearby and eavesdropped! She then told everyone 😡😡

Oh my god I think that's actually worse putting it in writing. I'd be desperately trying to create artwork out of tippex to cover it!!

because no one decent would willingly ruin a surprise like that? WHY would you even want to be spiteful?

You'd think it's pretty obvious why the in-laws are clearly behaving like twats here.

My sister in law is a nightmare for spoiling present surprises. We've got to a stage where we bluntly tell her (if she really has to know) not to share as it's a surprise or don't tell her anything and do all the planning via my brother. No logical reason either....

My MiL had asked me if we could visit them the weekend we're away so I explained why we couldn't and emphasised that it's a surprise and DH doesn't know.

Also, hate to use such a well-worn MN trope but “no” IS a complete sentence and I don’t know why you couldn’t just say “no we aren’t around”. Lesson for you there!

Years and years, over a decade likely - this FIL and the Op have had a good relationship

and you extrapolate from one incident… this man is malicious and vindictive ?

I really don't see how this can have been a 'mistake'. A mistake is when you accidentally mention something secret in the course of speaking about a different subject. Choosing to introduce a topic for discussion with "So I hear you're going to Morocco, then?!" is 100% deliberate.

Some people just can't bear to respect other people's wishes and feelings; or they are so dull themselves that they feel the need to validate themselves by giving away other people's secrets - every village gossip is like this.