To feel absolutely gutted that my in-laws have given away DH's birthday surprise?

[RossGellersCat]

I am very aware that this is a first world problem and am prepared to have my arse handed to me, but I'm absolutely gutted. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Context:
DH and I haven't been abroad together for 8 years. It's his 40th next month and as a surprise I've booked for the two of us to go to a country he's always wanted to go to but hasn't mentioned for a while (let's say Morocco). I've managed to organise childcare, worked overtime to fund the whole thing as we don't have a lot of money spare. He would never have guessed as we haven't holidayed due to those two factors, he knows I've asked him to book some A/L but he thinks it's for a UK-based activity. I've also never organised a surprise for him like this so this felt extra special. Due to cost it's also the only present I've got him (apart from very small things from our kids) and bought a nice personalised card to 'reveal' it on the day.

My MiL had asked me if we could visit them the weekend we're away so I explained why we couldn't and emphasised that it's a surprise and DH doesn't know. (You can guess where this is headed(!)) So last weekend we were there and within 5 minutes of walking in the door FiL says to both of us "So I hear you're off to Morocco?" I tried to look confused and said no, think you're mistaken. (While also doing mild dagger eyes) to which he said "But MiL told me you're talking DH there for his birthday?" I downplayed it again and then frantically mouthed at him (DH doesn't know!!) Managed to take him to one side and reinforce that it's a surprise, MiL was there too and confirmed that when she told FiL about it she'd said it was a surprise. I was feeling really upset but told myself that I might have bluffed it enough that DH didn't catch on. Then SiL found me a couple of hours later and said "DH doesn't know about Morroco does he?? Because dad (FiL) has just mentioned it in front of him". I don't know if she tried to cover it up in my absence, I didn't even know that she knew about the trip but I'm guessing MiL told everyone. I'm absolutely bloody gutted. I've saved and spent £700 on this, had managed to keep it a secret for 3 months and genuinely don't think DH would have guessed any of it but I'm now very confident that he knows.

I don't know whether it's better to just ask DH if he knows and let him be involved in it or try and hide my upset and act like it's all a surprise still.

To pre-empt some potential Qs, no my FiL doesn't have any memory problems/reason to not be able to keep secrets, don't think he said anything maliciously (he just doesn't think sometimes) and yes, I have 100% learnt never to tell my in-laws anything that I want kept a secret ever again. 🤦🏻‍♀️

AIBU for feeling really upset that someone else in seconds ruined what I worked so hard to be an amazing (and very unexpected) surprise?

I understand your frustration. I think you have two good options here:

1. Take DH aside and tell him you feel shit because you had mentioned that you were thinking of taking him away to MIL but it was so expensive and you couldn't sort childcare, so you are still doing something nice, but nothing like that and you are worried he will now feel disappointed. In other words - double bluff!
2. Arrange a lovely meal. Give DH the card early. Tell him that since FI let the cat out of the bag, you are sharing now and spend the next couple of weeks getting excited and making plans/booking restaurants/sightseeing things.

Oh don’t be promising morecambe and then not going, no one would recover from that kind of disappointment!

I'd be half inclined, in the run-up to Christmas, to keep telling FIL about an amazingly exciting present that you're getting for him - something that he will love - and then, on Christmas Day, he gets the big surprise that it's actually just a pair of socks instead!!

DH speaks to them less than I do, so not sure if it's a case of them knowing him better these days 😅

DH kept silent through it all so I didn't get to see a surprise reaction (although seeing his reaction is not the reason I did it, personally I'm like you and hate surprises but DH has always wanted to be surprised so I thought his 40th was the best opportunity to do something 'big'). I have deliberately booked the trip for after his birthday so that he can choose activities (have created a little 'brochure' type thing of all the local things to do there so that he can choose anything he'd like to do). He may well want to immerse himself in the culture or possibly just relish being child-free for a few days, I thought it leave that up to him!

I think @OhDeerohDeerie was making a suggestion as to what the OP could say to try to retain an element of surprise…

Don’t worry OP. You are definitely not being silly. To be able to give your DH a surprise like this is fantastic, it’s something you have worked hard for and extra hours. So it’s like a gift to you both. Which FIL now have ruined. Not just for your DH, but a bit of your achievement too.

I’d openly tell FIL how disappointed you are.

Ooh, option 1 is a great idea!

This is exactly how it was!!! A mixture of this and Basil Fawlty in the Germans episode ("Don't mention the war!") but I suppose Basil did have a head injury as an excuse.

I'm glad it worked for you, but it's still very sad that your lovely surprise was stolen from you (albeit unintentionally) - meaning that you maintaining a longstanding pretence and pulling the wool over your DH's eyes for all this time is the only way to 'make it right'.

Yes, that's how I interpreted the comment! 😊

Have you checked and double checked your passports and the dates of validity? It is a bit of a minefield these days.
Sorry the surprise was spoiled but you will still have a lovely time.

I also wonder why you told MIL.

Wasn't it a given she'd tell FIL?

If he's like my FIL it wouldn't have been deliberate he just would have heard "Morocco" & nothing else iyswim.

Well at least your FIL didn't walk in asking "what the bloody hell would you want to go to Morocco for?"

Not sure why you're saying 'they' and your in laws plural. Its one person, your FiL that has done this. Your MiL did nothing wrong. She, like you, has discovered her H can't be trusted. It's a huge shame OP and I get you're disappointed. However, if its any consolation, your DH has longer to look forward to it now. Plus two pleasant surprises, that he is going, which he now knows, then the details, which you'll reveal on his birthday. It's disappointing for you, but it won't have spoiled it for him.

I was wondering this too!

Something similar happened to me once. I was your husband in this scenario. My in-laws revealed a secret holiday abroad, entirely accidentally/carelessly. I honestly can't remember where the trip was to.

After all, the treat is the holiday, not the surprise.

Of course you're annoyed but you'll still have the experience. That will provide the memories that will linger, not this.

So I have technically already done your first idea in that it turns out SiL is also planning an abroad surprise trip for her partner's birthday and she told us about that during the visit (after the whole FiL mentioning debacle) and I said on the journey home that I'm worried DH will feel disappointed compared to what's she's planning for her partner. I didn't feel good lying but I was so desperate to try and cover up/ retain any chance that he didn't put the pieces together.

I would love it, what a mean spirited post

How is that relevant

My ILs have form for this. SIL will ask what the DC are getting for Christmas as a main present from us and then send a card ahead of Christmas saying “hope you like your [details of present]! I’ve told her details in the past as sometimes for their presents to DC they’ve added on extras, like an extension for a the main board game. I don’t tell them now and I keep back their cards for after any gift opening too.

FIL also ruined a bday surprise for DH many years ago - same idea, I was whisking him off for a weekend away abroad but it was an on-the-day reveal. We needed to get up early to make the train so I made up a cover story about going down to visit PILs and they were in on it. Night before, FIL rings up, has a chat with DH and ends the call by saying “well have a great weekend won’t you, wherever you’re off to.” 🤦‍♀️
I think for FIL it wasn’t malicious, he just couldn’t be bothered to invest any mental energy in something that wasn’t about him.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you! I think if it's not malicious it's just still really thoughtless.

It’s a suggestion to OP for what she tells her bloke. 🙄

Aww it's still a magical surprise! Of course he knows now but he's 39 he can handle it and you'll still have a lovely time.

Thinking about it (don't mean to drip feed!) but I wonder if part of my hurt is also that MiL has asked me to help organise a surprise party for DH at their house and I've kept that 100% secret. So I guess part of me feels like I've been given the additional stress of organising another party for him on their behalf and am dutifully respecting their desire to surprise him when they've been unable to facilitate mine.

I do take the point by a pp of me including my MiL in this when FiL was the one who said something, I guess I (again naively) didn't think she'd tell DH's entire family and I wish she'd have backed me up a bit when I asked FiL privately not to mention it. Maybe she was feeling awkward /embarrassed or didn't see it as something she needed to help with?

God I'd be fuming!

Mil is fuming you are taking credit for surprising HER ds....