To feel absolutely gutted that my in-laws have given away DH's birthday surprise?

[RossGellersCat]

I am very aware that this is a first world problem and am prepared to have my arse handed to me, but I'm absolutely gutted. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Context:
DH and I haven't been abroad together for 8 years. It's his 40th next month and as a surprise I've booked for the two of us to go to a country he's always wanted to go to but hasn't mentioned for a while (let's say Morocco). I've managed to organise childcare, worked overtime to fund the whole thing as we don't have a lot of money spare. He would never have guessed as we haven't holidayed due to those two factors, he knows I've asked him to book some A/L but he thinks it's for a UK-based activity. I've also never organised a surprise for him like this so this felt extra special. Due to cost it's also the only present I've got him (apart from very small things from our kids) and bought a nice personalised card to 'reveal' it on the day.

My MiL had asked me if we could visit them the weekend we're away so I explained why we couldn't and emphasised that it's a surprise and DH doesn't know. (You can guess where this is headed(!)) So last weekend we were there and within 5 minutes of walking in the door FiL says to both of us "So I hear you're off to Morocco?" I tried to look confused and said no, think you're mistaken. (While also doing mild dagger eyes) to which he said "But MiL told me you're talking DH there for his birthday?" I downplayed it again and then frantically mouthed at him (DH doesn't know!!) Managed to take him to one side and reinforce that it's a surprise, MiL was there too and confirmed that when she told FiL about it she'd said it was a surprise. I was feeling really upset but told myself that I might have bluffed it enough that DH didn't catch on. Then SiL found me a couple of hours later and said "DH doesn't know about Morroco does he?? Because dad (FiL) has just mentioned it in front of him". I don't know if she tried to cover it up in my absence, I didn't even know that she knew about the trip but I'm guessing MiL told everyone. I'm absolutely bloody gutted. I've saved and spent £700 on this, had managed to keep it a secret for 3 months and genuinely don't think DH would have guessed any of it but I'm now very confident that he knows.

I don't know whether it's better to just ask DH if he knows and let him be involved in it or try and hide my upset and act like it's all a surprise still.

To pre-empt some potential Qs, no my FiL doesn't have any memory problems/reason to not be able to keep secrets, don't think he said anything maliciously (he just doesn't think sometimes) and yes, I have 100% learnt never to tell my in-laws anything that I want kept a secret ever again. 🤦🏻‍♀️

AIBU for feeling really upset that someone else in seconds ruined what I worked so hard to be an amazing (and very unexpected) surprise?

But if he doesn’t have memory issues, why else would he do it?

So I have tentatively suggested that given the Op doesn’t see him often, this may be the sign of something going on in terms of his memory

it starts very slowly. Or at least did with my dad

Ah, man thats annoying!
But…My friend organised a full on 40th surprise holiday for her DH, think trip of a lifetime safari type experience. He did enjoy it, but said later to my DH that he’d have rather known about it so he could have had a bit of warning and been “prepared” for going away, even if he hadn’t been sure where they were going. So, maybe it'll work out for the best that he may now be slightly pre warned!
I’m sure you’ll have a fab time, just dont tell in laws anything important again!

Morocco? We can’t afford to go to Cornwall!!

There is a weekend away planned and I’m keeping it a surprise, but it’s only in a cheap city. Then keep making digs about how you’re off to Blackpool, or the Wirral, or Redcar or whatever/

Yes she did, but became quite prescriptive about it saying it should be like this, it should be like that etc so I ended up feeling like I was paying to have something made to order to her specifications when I had my own ideas about it and knew I could have done it beautifully for her.... so all in all quite a crushing experience and I did not attempt anything like that ever again!

My DH (who was lovely & sympathetic and has known them since 1988) said a really perceptive thing about it - he said the incident was utterly characteristic of both of them, my stepmother demanding precisely her own way on every detail and my father having no patience with something that wasn't about him & his concerns

I would struggle to get past the fact that he mentioned it once and then again, after being reminded that it was a surprise!

Personally, I would message both FIL and MIL to tell them that you are very disappointed that they ruined all the efforts it took to keep it from your husband, and that you especially don’t understand why it happened twice.
(not advising you to do that, just saying what I would do)

Awww totally get why you're gutted. From everything you say, and the good relationship over the years, it sounds like it was a genuine accident. Just focus on enjoying the trip, hope you have a lovely time, and I am sure that having an inkling in advance will just make your husband more excited.

Does she not know what the word 'surprise' actually means?!

The way to handle this is after the event, once you've had an amazing time, you rip the piss out of your father in law for it at every opportunity. 'Oh mil you say you've got a surprise for dessert? Don't tell fil or everyone will know about it chortle chortle.'

Enjoy this for the next thirty years.

Definitely lesson learnt! Given there have been two surprise parties in DH's family in the last six months that were genuine surprises I really didn't think too much of being open about it with MiL.

OP you’re focusing on the wrong thing, the gift is not the surprise but the wonderful trip you’re going to have. Embrace the fact that your DH knows and enjoy the planning together.

How old are they? I wouldn’t tell my parents something like this, especially my mum as in their late 70s they are all over the place with remembering/forgetting things! My mum has also started talking loudly about people in earshot of them, not fun…
Anyway try and look past it, you’re doing a fab thing and I’m sure your OH will love it, surprise or not!

That’s a pretty extreme reaction that would also have major ramifications for her husband and children.

But they didn't reveal it to be spiteful - even the OP says she believes it was a genuine mistake. FIL didn't realise the trip to Morocco was a surprise. He didn't 'willingly ruin a surprise'.

Yanbu! Admittedly I'm a bit of a grudge holder, but I don't think I could ever bring myself to speak to FIL again after that performance. How utterly ridiculous and unforgivable.

You do need to tell DH now because he definitely knows and otherwise you'd just be asking him to pretend that he doesn't.

I agree and would be the same in preferring to know in advance... but not everybody is like that.

His own wife knew what he would love, and she worked to pay for it and did all the organising, so I'd assume she knows him far better than you or I ever would.

That's really annoying that they can't follow a very basic instruction - that even my primary school kids can do - but I agree with this:
What you've lost in the surprise, your DH will have gained in the fun of being able to look forward to the trip over the next few weeks.

Some people have no tact or sensitivity. My friend once said to my dp in front of me: 'do you still want us to look after ddog in November for your surprise night out?' (Which my dp had arranged for my birthday). Her husband looked at her and said 'well it's not a surprise now is it!?'

I wouldn't think it's pretty obvious at all, or assume with no reason that it was done deliberately to be spiteful. I would just think FIL is a blabbermouth. I don’t know why you think the most damning explanation must be the right one.

I honestly don't think it matters. I'm guessing the reason they ruined the surprise was to try and get in in seeing DH's reaction.

Or maybe they know him well and think he'd prefer to prepare for a trip to Morocco. I'd prefer to research in advance, choose appropriate clothes, maybe book a restaurant or my choice of activities. But I'm quite the planner of holidays and maybe your DH isn't bothered about planning.

It doesn't matter if it is not a surprise. Did you not get the surprise reaction there and then? I mean, what were you hoping for? I don't really get surprises except surprise parties.

For me I prefer to be prepared. Having stuff sprung on me isn't pleasant. What's your DH like about surprises? Presumably you think he likes them. I think most people wouldn't be fussed by a surprise but would like the trip.

FIL reminds me of Father Dougal, when Ted makes it very clear that they must never ever mention the fact that Bishop Brennan has a son.

Then his very first question is "How's the son, Len?"

I get why you're so gutted, but if I were him, I would love to be involved in planning the itinerary. Can you get a guidebook and make planning your trips and meals part of the gift?

op for reassurance, my husband gave me a surprise holiday just like you. It was for a very similar occasion, and about a week before departure a very good mutual friend said- bet you can't wait to fly off to xxx. I had no idea and so I said- oh yes can't wait and then said- actually, I think that might have been a surprise for me so don't mention it. He was so apologetic, but I just let it go.

20 Years later DH still beams at his wonderful clever surprise holiday that we both enjoyed. I played dumb and elated and we had a brilliant time. And it gives me joy that I was able to play along and DH is none the wiser.

do not let this ruin your surprise or your holiday.

The OP has been clear that there are weeks between the birthday and the actual trip so she had already factored in her Dh being involved in the anticipation and planning. They’ve ruined the surprise of the gift on the day of the birthday.

They’re not going to Morocco, it was an example.

What OP has saved up for and afford, is for her benefit.

It’s got nothing to do with you not being able to afford Cornwall. This thread is not about you.

OP, it’ll still be fun, well done on all parts of the arranging etc.