So disappointed how life turned out for me and how to find hope

[Outchy]

I am really struggling with how my life turned out. I have two teens. Both have complex needs. One will need lifelong 24/7 care, one could have been something (extremely bright) but due to a complete let down by Camhs and education, they are now at home, suicidal and without a school place (no places in the radius of 90 mins drive) and unable to sit GCSEs (and therefore no A-level/further education either). both will be a lifelong strain on the system. I studied hard at school and uni and got a good degree but had to give yo work to care for DC1 many years ago and only managed some low paid part time roles. My time is now mainly spend with caring for DC1 when not at college and being at home all day with DC2 as I cannot leave him alone for too long due to poor MH. I am not getting on with H. He is just going to work and ignoring me largely. Financially, it's not great for me either as I only have access to carers allowance, PIP and DLA for the DC and child benefit but need to cover 50% of the household expenses (we don't pool the money, H is refusing). I am just so hopeless and frustrated and don't know what the point is. I want DC2 in school but no places are available (LA stalling the finalisation of the EHCP and aren't responding to emails). I want more support for DC1 so I can get a break. I want to return to work full time to rebuild my career so I am financially independent - only 50 and still have a long time to go until retirement. But instead, I am trapped into caring every waking hour. Because the DC need so much support and H is not part of the team, I cannot see friends. In fact, I don't have any friends left. I don't have siblings and my parents are not around anymore. There is noone.

I just want a life. I cannot be the only one who deals with all these things. Some people shoulder a lot more but I am reaching a point where I feel I cannot go on much further. What is the whole point. I get joy out of nothing. This is not the life I wanted, not for myself but especially so sad about DC2 (who could have been something provided he had an education) but even that won't happen. Fighting the system is pointless. I am completely worn down by it.

I really need to pick myself up but I don't know how.

So sorry you’re experiencing this, OP. It sounds so hard. Hopefully a poster will be along soon who may have similar experiences and able to advise.

Just wanted to say how strong you are and how fortunate your children are to have you; I’m so sorry your DH is so unsupportive; this must be so hard.

Your DH is abusive.

The DLA, PIP etc is for your DCs. That's why it's granted.

Your DH needs to cover the bills.

I would refuse to hand over the money and use it for what it is intended - to improve your DCs lives. The PIP could cover some paid assistance with your DCs for example.

Im going to be brutally honest. You'd be better off as a single parent.

Dear Op, I’ve no idea of your life tbh but from what you say I am very sad for you.
can you mull over a variety of outcomes (ie DH leaves you), and try work out financially where you will be. especially as it sounds to me as if he’s making a plan to do that by not supporting the family more than 50%

can you get any respite care, speak to GP

could you home school the one approaching exams? (Or look into how they can get an education but more stretched out, maybe by going to college and doing exams further down the line). Maybe online learning.

Ducks in a row comes to mind but maybe not the normal ducks in a row, and as previous poster says it really does sound if you would be better off a single parent. At least your would know where you stood.

I hope others comes come along with ideas and agencies suggestions 💐

But he won't. I cannot force him to give me access to his money. That's the simple and hard truth.

we get respite for the eldest. About 6h per months. we fought for years to get that and it won't increase. It's great as DC likes the support staff but it doesn't really even begin to cover the edges as the time when DC1 is out the respite team is used to take DC2 out by me. It's not a break and it's nowhere near enough and it doesn't even begin to help me to get back into FT employment.

Id look into free family advice services and ask them how to navigate him not providing properly.

citizens advice may point you in the right direction or be able to help.

do you want to stay married to him? Do you love him?

@Outchy The bastard you are married to is stealing money from your children and forcing you into a life of miserable poverty.

He is monstrous. Which bills are you covering? Where are you finding money for things for your DC if you're having to use it to pay for bills?

You simply cannot continue like this. At least if you divorced him you'd be able to get half of what he has!

You would definitely be better off leaving your useless dh, that would give you financial freedom and freedom from a financially and emotionally abusive man.

The children are a red herring imo, the reason you are hopeless is because you are living with someone who does not love, support or respect you.

@Outchy your DC needing 24/7 care, and I know this is hard but could they live in a suitable residential care?

I know it’s unlikely there will be no local provision, or that you would want that but it may be the way forward for you to have a life, for your DC to have a wider variety of life that you can give them. (My friend has her child in such a place due to extreme epilepsy, it’s a four hour drive away BUT it enables her to look after her other child and work, she then goes up every two weeks to see DC1).

Which bills are you covering? Where are you finding money for things for your DC if you're having to use it to pay for bills?

mortgage is paid off so I am paying phone/internet, council tax, mobile phone for DC1, water, car insurance and MOT, dinner money, Netflix, activities for the DC. He pays home insurance and gas electric. Food bill is shared.

I work occasionally a few hours, then get carers allowance, PIP for DC1, DLA for DC2 and child benefit. It adds up. No UC. we live quite frugally. Kids struggle with a lot of things so we don't go out loads. We don't go on holiday. No fancy clothes (DC aren't into the latest stuff anyways and DC2 is a geek). I cut my own hair. No friends so don't need money to keep up with them. I really just need to cover the basics and I am fine with that and really don't struggle. The DC are never going without. But life overall is just so limiting and nobody is happy. It's more like we exist.

Poor you op. This sounds miserable.

Can ds2 study at home and sit GCSE's at all, without a school?

If you split up he’d have to pay CM.

He sounds horrible.

There might be a carers centre in your locality. They can offer different types of support.

I’m sorry you are going through this.

What is going to happen to DC1 when you both die? Assisted living? Can DC 1 move into assisted living now?

He needs a school setting. his MH is poor but he is desperate to be in school. he struggles hugely with self motivation so leaving him behind a laptop to study for GCSEs is a non starter

There is a legal method to force a man to provide for his wife. It isn't much used these days, as most people just divorce, but I know my divorce solicitor had used it occasionally in situations such as yours. I'm afraid I don't know the details, but I think it does still exist.

Spousal maintenance on divorce also still exists in some cases where one spouse cannot reasonably be expected to go out to work due to circumstances.

Contact someone like citizens advice or women's aid to see if there is a way to financially improve your situation.

So you're paying for more than your husband? He works ft (presumably) and then sits back to watch the car insurance get paid from his children's benefits?

Not even having the money for a haircut IS struggling op. That is so so sad.

Divorce him.

I would speak to a divorce lawyer. You would be better off financially if you divorced. Your husband has put you in an untenable financial situation.

DC1 is still at college. They will need assisted living when we cannot look after them anymore. DC2 could go all the way but at that point, the LA is denying him a school place to do GCSEs. his MH is badly affected by this. He already tried to take his own life. He will do it again as he says there is no point (and he isn't totally wrong, is he)?

DS wouldn't cope at the hairdresser anyways. At a push, I could pay. I was just trying to illustrate how we don't need money for all sorts of things.

But your DC2 MH issues are being exacerbated by having to live in a home with two people who don't lobe each other, watching his DM be financially abused to the point she can't afford a cheap haircut.

If you stay with your bastard of a husband you will be teaching them that life is indeed something to just suffer through. Get out for their sakes if not your own.

Financial abuse, of you all, should be reason enough to split. It sounds as though you haven't got a relationship anyway. Have you ever done a benefit comparison as a single parent? Is your DH accumulating savings?

So then your husband stays at home with the DC while you go to the hairdressers?

That would be the normal solution in a none abusive home.

I am also of the mind that leaving dh would actually make you feel less shit.

But otherwise op it is tough and it is OK to feel this isn't what you expected out of life.

I know respite is incredibly challenging to get so I actually think you must have fought hard and done well to get 6 hours.

The only thing I would say is don't lose hope with the ds with mental health issues. Over time people can and do improve.

The others have it covered but just wanted to say please don’t assume your dc2 is never going to be able to sit GCSES, do a levels or even access university as an adult in later life because they can’t access school right now. They sound very much like me at that age and I missed a lot of school but I was able to go back as an adult and sit my A levels and was offered places at several very good universities. In the end I decided not to go for many reasons (mainly due to my main carer becoming terminally ill) but I could have done it. Just because they are struggling now doesn’t mean they always will (and I say that as the parent of a child with very complex needs who will always need support too).

I think the answer is divorce and maintenence. The man isn't providing for his family in money OR support, there’s literally no point him being there. Make him provide by law.

But I know that’s easy to say. I imagine you feel you don’t have the energy or headspace to even start thinking about it.