So disappointed how life turned out for me and how to find hope

[Outchy]

I am really struggling with how my life turned out. I have two teens. Both have complex needs. One will need lifelong 24/7 care, one could have been something (extremely bright) but due to a complete let down by Camhs and education, they are now at home, suicidal and without a school place (no places in the radius of 90 mins drive) and unable to sit GCSEs (and therefore no A-level/further education either). both will be a lifelong strain on the system. I studied hard at school and uni and got a good degree but had to give yo work to care for DC1 many years ago and only managed some low paid part time roles. My time is now mainly spend with caring for DC1 when not at college and being at home all day with DC2 as I cannot leave him alone for too long due to poor MH. I am not getting on with H. He is just going to work and ignoring me largely. Financially, it's not great for me either as I only have access to carers allowance, PIP and DLA for the DC and child benefit but need to cover 50% of the household expenses (we don't pool the money, H is refusing). I am just so hopeless and frustrated and don't know what the point is. I want DC2 in school but no places are available (LA stalling the finalisation of the EHCP and aren't responding to emails). I want more support for DC1 so I can get a break. I want to return to work full time to rebuild my career so I am financially independent - only 50 and still have a long time to go until retirement. But instead, I am trapped into caring every waking hour. Because the DC need so much support and H is not part of the team, I cannot see friends. In fact, I don't have any friends left. I don't have siblings and my parents are not around anymore. There is noone.

I just want a life. I cannot be the only one who deals with all these things. Some people shoulder a lot more but I am reaching a point where I feel I cannot go on much further. What is the whole point. I get joy out of nothing. This is not the life I wanted, not for myself but especially so sad about DC2 (who could have been something provided he had an education) but even that won't happen. Fighting the system is pointless. I am completely worn down by it.

I really need to pick myself up but I don't know how.

https://www.kingstrust.org.uk/about-us/qualifications

Have a look xxx

I also wanted to add please don’t give up on DC2. A good friend went through a horrendous time with their teen, numerous suicide attempts ( really serious such as throwing themselves off a building) but they survived, got better and now at 19 have started a degree and have friends and is living independently.

It's not the end. I understand how you feel though as I've been there.

DS2 didn't get any GCSEs as he school refused for a long time (ASD) and we didn't get the specialist unit place we fought for. He did go to college though and managed to get an NVQ qualification, since then he's been on a supported employment programme through the college. There's a way to go yet but things are brighter and I got a job that allows me to WFH part of the week.

I know it seems bleak right now but there will be a way through. As others have said your most immediate problem is your husband.

Wishing you all the best.

First of all please be kind to yourself. Your feelings in this situation are totally understandable - many people in your situation would feel hopeless, trapped and suicidal. But you deserve a happier life. And I am going to be brutally honest and say if you did commit suicide it is likely by the sounds of it that DC2 would and DC1 would end up in any old care home with a space regardless of quality and I doubt your husband would advocate for him.

So you need to make some logical choices here to make YOU happier for both your children’s sakes.

If you are not already on an antidepressant get yourself on one! But this is situational and you need to CHANGE this situation for your and your DCs benefit. This is life or death for 2 of you - it cannot go on!

I think DC1 needs to go in full time care. You may need to explain you are suicidal, DC2 is suicidal and your husband abusive before you get this help. Try to get him in the best home you can but you may have to take a place that isn’t perfect and then plan to change it later if it doesn’t work for your family. This needs to happen soon.

Plan to move close to a school for DC2. Plan to leave your husband at the same time. I think you and DC2 will both be happier together without husband and the caring responsibilities of DC1

Once moved house and DC2 more settled get yourself back to work. Then when happier turn your attention back to DC1 and see if his care needs adjusting.

But first you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself! You cannot save any of your DC is you are very unwell or dead.

Take care x

Wife can apply for financial provision under section 27 of the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973 if the husband is wilfully neglecting to support her. But as the PP mentioned most financial disputes are resolved through divorce or separation agreements. Best to speak to a family law solicitor.

Section 19 of the Education Act 1996 states that "Each local education authority shall make arrangements for the provision of suitable education at school or otherwise than at school for those children of compulsory school age who, by reason of illness, exclusion from school or otherwise, may not for any period receive suitable education unless such arrangements are made for them." Not finalising the EHCP falls under “or otherwise.”

Do you cook for your DH and do his laundry? If so, stop doing this. You say that you DH wouldn't move out, but you can treat him as though you are separated and do absolutely nothing for him. The money you receive is meant for your children not for him. This is financial abuse and I would consult a charity like Women's Aid.

@Cloudberry24 that doesn’t mean it has to be home tuition though. The LA has a duty to ensure DC receive a suitable full-time education. That doesn’t mean it has to be home tuition. Alternative provision can come in many forms as long as it is suitable.

If your DH is salaried rather than self-employed, divorce him and go after child support for your DC. You will get access to some of his money as a lump sum of your joint marital assets, ongoing percentage of his salary for the DCs and most likely the house due to the DC's needs. What an utter bastard he is to you.

Alternatively tell him you are struggling for money and that if he is not going to share his earnings with you then you will go back to work and he will have to fund 50% of the care the DC need which will have to be bought in. Right now he is saving a fortune by making you the family slave without pay. He is leveraging your love for your children to screw you over basically.

I'm pretty sure he will pay the mortgage and the bills for the house that he lives in. Your his wife, he can't sue you for 50%, you are considered a joint financial entity in the eyes of the law.

But the simplest way you can make him give you access to his money is to divorce him frankly.

I feel like you're giving up on your youngest too quickly. Which isn't surprising given you seem to be profoundly depressed by the huge burden of care on you already, and I'm sure the 'OK' child now going off track and needing care feels like the final nail in the coffin.

But you don't need to go from "they're in a bad place now and it's awful and I can't see a way forward" to "well that's it then, their life's fucked, they'll never get back on track and will either be a lifelong burden on me and the system or might as well just kill themself." it's too extreme. I can understand why you are doing it but it isn't helping you or them.

They are young, they are bright, and there is every chance they could get past this difficult stage and 'be something' as you put it - even if that something is just a simple person with a simple, contented life, rather than a high flyer.

I agree - the LA should be ensuring a full time education but currently they aren’t. The worst case scenario is that they offer a Pupil Referral Unit - I have seen this happen many times and would refuse it for my DC as unsuitable. Home tuition for two mornings or afternoons each week is the bare minimum but it could be beneficial to the child’s mental health and the LA can’t claim the OP is electively home schooling.

Speak to a lawyer. As a married woman, and as primary carer for your disabled DS, you may be entitled to a lot more than you think. He doesn't get to just stay there because he wants to, it needs settling in court. If nothing else you could force a sale and buy something else for you and DC (possibly something closer to the schools appropriate for your DC2?)

Talk to a lawyer and to divorced caring parents (online groups a great place to start). There may be a way forward with this you can't see because you're too deep in it.

HRTFT yet- but financial abuse is a crime.

Hi OP. I was in a very similar position. Then exH left anyway so I Divorced him.
No money to split really but I now get UC in addition to my own PIP and PIP for both my YP. exH promptly retired so no wads of cash being handed over but if we are careful we can just about manage financially.
I have NO time off. exH never has our YP and does no 'cover' at my house (including when one YP was seriously ill last summer & in high needs ward).
We have had little educational support. I understand what you mean about 'exisiting'. I am so sorry that I can't suggest helpful things (I am in rural Scotland and there just isnt' anything where I am) but I hear you and I 'see' you xxx

Thanks. I knew there was something like that, although not used often any more. It would be worth looking at, as she would be unlikely to get spousal maintenance from a husband who only earns 45k.

Dear @Outchy - first I just want to say you sound amazing and I feel for you and am sorry you’re going through this. Try and keep this energy with you to make a change. This is a first step with the support and ideas and suggestions for you on this thread. Sending you love and luck xx
i totally also agree with this post from @Haemagoblin
You have to pull together on this. He is being abusive in this current situation.
Is there any family member who you trust who could mediate and support you both to come to some kind agreement?
Can you do a telephone consultation with a divorce lawyer this week? Sometimes the first call can be free.
Call Women’s Aid by the end of the week too.
Establish what your absolute rights are if you file for divorce.
GCSEs aren’t everything. Your DC2 may be able to get into a college at 16 and do maths and English and something vocational? This will get him out and meeting people? Could this work?
Can you do anything together in the interim - is he willing to do a joint work out/ anything around the house? Could he get an allowance for cooking dinner? Learning baking? Would your H support this?
please keep us updated xxxx

Hi Op I am in a very similar situation to you. I also have a teen at home with complex needs, suicidal etc. Has been out of school a year now, with me 24/7, can't leave him for 5 mins. One thing is really helping him: a VR headset. It's sad, but it's like he can escape his current reality, connect with other people and has purpose in the games. I'm not suggesting it by any means as a replacement for school/routine etc (my son is desperate for this too), but in those days where you are just existing and keeping them safe/stable it has been a game-changer for us. I got his second-hand from Ebay. It also gives them gentle exercise/movement.

@Cloudberry24 I agree the LA is failing in their duty at the minute. I was just pointing out s19 provision does not have to be home tuition like you posted.

Unless the child’s needs means more provision in any form is unsuitable, 2 mornings or 2 afternoons a week is not a suitable full-time education. The LGO is clear on that.

I real feel for you because you sound so loving and caring but you are reaching burnout point. You are fighting on so many fronts and it is exhausting. Am appalled at your DH's behaviour particularly regarding finances. It almost sounds abusive as he's not supporting you emotionally, physically or financially. I'm not sure if you can get some advice via woman's aid or legally about what to do.
Can you tap into the homeschool community for your son who would benefit from schooling?
You definitely need (minimum) 1 or 2 times a week where you can go out for a walk or coffee (or cry and scream about what you are coping with) alone to recharge.
What would happen if your DH was home and you just went out for a walk and left him to it? (I've had to do this a few times with my DH!)
Sadly I think you have to look at just stopping paying for somethings, as the money 'you' receive is for your children, not to prop up your household finances - what is your DH doing with his spare money? You also need to consider divorce, as at least then you will get money from the house etc and other financial support and you can manage your life better. You also won't be living with such a cruel person.

Take them to a tribunal. The process is easy, another form filling exercise - I googled what things the tribunals looks for to uphold your case and made sure I highlighted those issues in my forms. We were trying for 4 years to get an EHCP and the tribunal process worked. If you win, they have to finalise the EHCP within a very short period. 30 days I think it was. Information here.

I am in a similar position to you and I get the hopelessness of it all. It’s really shit to have no joy in your life, just endless groundhog days of caring for others. I don’t think DH paying the bills makes much difference to the mind numbing endlessness of it all.

This.

Please seek advice OP. It sounds a deeply unhappy home and I bet you’d all feel better if you got your DH out.

Dump your husband. He'd have to pay child support and actually contribute then. How can you stay married to someone who can just sit back and watch you and his kids suffer? Get rid.

I think once you've got this toxic waste of space out of your life, and start to rebuild it, you'll feel much better. You're not just doing everything on your own right now but being dragged down by him. You deserve better, and you can have it.

If you are the main carer for the children and you wanted him out, he wouldn’t have much choice. He is abusing you OP no matter how much you don’t want to hear it. It will be affecting your children. Please see legal advice.

In your place op it might help to break things down:

Your oxygen mask - counselling for you, respite, support from charities.

DC2: GCSE syllabus at college or school - MP informed to assist. Do you have other schemes such as forest school or similar or even home ed groups he can join. It is a priority getting him out of the house and into a social setting. Once he is settled life is going to be considerably easier for you op. Enlist the local or even national papers if you have to, you shouldn’t be left in this dire situation.

Self care: baths, music on headphones for you, a magazine, a mobile hairdresser that comes to the house. Every week you need a treat. If I could I would bring flowers to you today. You are literally the most deserving person of love and care.

DH: I am sensing you can’t face addressing this atm, and it might be just too much for you right now. When the time comes you need to fully address your marriage and his behaviour but not now. I would ask him to get more involved with dc2 as a minimum. Going out to the cinema, pizza and cycling or whatever dc2 enjoys the most.

Can MN help you op? What can we do?