So disappointed how life turned out for me and how to find hope

[Outchy]

I am really struggling with how my life turned out. I have two teens. Both have complex needs. One will need lifelong 24/7 care, one could have been something (extremely bright) but due to a complete let down by Camhs and education, they are now at home, suicidal and without a school place (no places in the radius of 90 mins drive) and unable to sit GCSEs (and therefore no A-level/further education either). both will be a lifelong strain on the system. I studied hard at school and uni and got a good degree but had to give yo work to care for DC1 many years ago and only managed some low paid part time roles. My time is now mainly spend with caring for DC1 when not at college and being at home all day with DC2 as I cannot leave him alone for too long due to poor MH. I am not getting on with H. He is just going to work and ignoring me largely. Financially, it's not great for me either as I only have access to carers allowance, PIP and DLA for the DC and child benefit but need to cover 50% of the household expenses (we don't pool the money, H is refusing). I am just so hopeless and frustrated and don't know what the point is. I want DC2 in school but no places are available (LA stalling the finalisation of the EHCP and aren't responding to emails). I want more support for DC1 so I can get a break. I want to return to work full time to rebuild my career so I am financially independent - only 50 and still have a long time to go until retirement. But instead, I am trapped into caring every waking hour. Because the DC need so much support and H is not part of the team, I cannot see friends. In fact, I don't have any friends left. I don't have siblings and my parents are not around anymore. There is noone.

I just want a life. I cannot be the only one who deals with all these things. Some people shoulder a lot more but I am reaching a point where I feel I cannot go on much further. What is the whole point. I get joy out of nothing. This is not the life I wanted, not for myself but especially so sad about DC2 (who could have been something provided he had an education) but even that won't happen. Fighting the system is pointless. I am completely worn down by it.

I really need to pick myself up but I don't know how.

What a horrible selfish bastard your husband is. Is he a decent earner with a good pension? You would be better off divorcing him if so, then you'll likely have the house as carer to the kids, the benefits you get already, some UC to help too you up and towards the house costs, then maintenance and some of his pension. As you say, he's not part of the team anyway.

The local authority must approach schools and they have 20 days to respond. The Children and Families Act 2014 requires schools to admit children with an EHCP. This is not an oversubscription criterion, so schools must admit these children even if they don't have any places available. The local authority must consult with the school before naming it in an EHCP. If the school says it can't support the child, the local authority can still name it. The Secretary of State for Education can direct a school to provide a place. The local authority knows this. Let them know you know this.

How much support is your dc2 getting with their MH?
That is imperative. Know this isn’t your fault, if an impossible situation but there is hope. Your dc2 needs to know there is an amazing life beyond the four walls, that you and him are going to find a road out of this and he has every chance of a happy life. What feels impossible now will be seen as a passing stage in 20 years time.

Are you having counselling op? You can’t pour from an empty jug.

I know that you are not keen to complain to the LA atm and I absolutely get the overwhelm of that (have a complaint with the ombudsman currrently as they are beyond awful), but have you thought about a PAP letter re lack of education? Or timelines on the ECHP (mine was 58 weeks, we all know it should be 20). The PAP project is good https://sossen.org.uk/applying-for-a-pre-action-protocol-letter/

It's tough and I hear you. Sorry that sendiass are not helpful, I think it is hit and miss. I totally hear you on the LA radio silence, it's absolutely deafening.

There are home education groups with other teens. You could help him access these while the school situation is resolved. He could study for a single GCSE in a private capacity to give him something to focus on perhaps.

As someone out of school he is higher priority than someone seeking a transfer. What waiting list is he on, what position is he on the list?

There are college options for those 16+ with no qualifications.

Your situation sounds very upsetting, I don't say this lightly but a divorce could be needed. You are being financially abused. Speak to a solicitor or relevant charity for advice.

Your DH is being abusive,OP.

I agree with other posters that you’d be better off divorcing him.
Does he have other assets, like pension/ savings / shares / other property etc ? Quietly get details of such if he has them.Do not mention divorce to him until you have these details ( so he doesn’t hide them).These are all marital assets if he acquired them during the marriage.

You do realise that half of all marital assets including the house would be yours if you divorced ? There is no “his money” just because he works. It’s all family money and he’s denying you and his own dc from accessing it.

The benefits such as PIP are not intended for household bills. They are for improving your dc lifestyle.

You can contact Women’s Aid for advice and support.
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

Also, Rights of Women for free legal advice
https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/

No OP. You have enough income as a family - if your husband wasn't been financially abusive

Go to your local councillor and your MP.

It sounds bloody awful @Outchy . But you have the power to change it.

Ring a solicitor today and make an appointment for advice about what you’d be entitled to if you split. It doesn’t mean you have to do it, but at least you’ll be armed with that knowledge.

58 weeks! It’s appalling. Every week I get emails from agencies offering £250 a day as a remote EHCP writer - local authorities are outsourcing the work. OP, tell the local authority that if there are no local places your DS will need to attend a specialist independent school with fees and transport funded by them.

Write your MP. This was suggested up thread, and it generally works. Explain the situation in an email to them. They will get back to you and make enquiries. Once it is seen the MP is involved, you’d be surprised how fast things move.

Yep. Also 45K that your DH makes is a reasonable wage. Where is that money going? Is he saving it, spending it on someone else, taking drugs with it, what?

Your situation is heartbreaking OP. Would it help to keep using this thread to check in and keep track of your progress?
It must be so hard to know where to start but you’ve had some great advice already.
I would definitely get an appointment with your GP ASAP for yourself - you need to look after your mental health as best you can right now to get you through what is happening. Medication, therapy - even if just for a short while to give you enough of a boost to tackle everything else.

What is the relationship like between your DCs and your husband? Does he bother with them much? I absolutely agree that you need to consider a divorce in these circumstances.

Depending on your own household income (ie your dhs income and yours) it may be worth looking into UC for any of your children that are over 16. The rules are slightly different for dc with SEN and claiming in their own right may work out better for you then child benefit. Check you are receiving all the support the state can offer including things like reduction in council tax.

I know it’s hard not to panic but there are lots of ways forward for your children even if they can’t take GCSEs at the usual time. Your dh sounds a bit odd in his thinking about money. He is only able to work because of you caring for the children. Why isn’t he paying for food?? Thank goodness you don’t have rent or a mortgage to pay.

That sounds so difficult. 💐💐💐💐

DH is behaving appallingly.

This needs breaking down into sections.

DC2

The EHCP can be finalised without a school. Either with section I blank (for EOTAS/EOTIS) or with a type of placement named.

If the LA has breached the statutory timescale of finalised within 20 weeks, send the relevant model letter from IPSEA’s website to the Director of Children’s Services. If that doesn’t work, you need a pre-action letter. SOSSSEN can help with this for free, but there is a wait, so you might want to look elsewhere. If the pre-action letter fails, judicial review proceedings will. This route to enforcement is better because the normal timescales of the complaints process take too long, so you wouldn’t want to go down that route because it isn’t a suitable remedy.

Are the schools you think would be great wholly independent? If not, claiming to be ‘full’ isn’t enough on its own to refuse a place.

For non-wholly independent schools, the LA must name your preference unless the LA can prove:
-The setting is unsuitable for the age, ability, aptitude or special educational needs (“SEN”) of the child or young person; or
-The attendance of the child or young person would be incompatible with the provision of efficient education for others; or
-The attendance of the child or young person would be incompatible with the efficient use of resources.
Being full is not defined in law, and on its own being ‘full’ is not enough of a reason to refuse to name your preference. The LA has to prove the school is so full admitting DS is incompatible. There is a point LAs can do this, but the bar is higher than many LAs and schools admit. Unless the school is wholly independent, the LA can, and must, name the school regardless of the school’s objections unless the LA can prove one of the reasons above.

You only need an offer from a wholly independent school.

Schools have to be consulted as part of the EHCP process and the LA should give them at least 15 days to respond, not 20 as a pp posted.

Have you considered EOTAS/EOTIS? This is not EHE. DS does not need to be sat at home alone with a laptop.

In the meantime, if DC2 cannot attend school, under section 19 of the Education Act 1996, the LA has a duty to ensure he still receives a suitable full-time education. The LA doesn’t have to provide home tutoring as a pp posted, but they do have to provide a suitable full-time education. That can come in many forms.

Has DC2 had a social care assessment?

DC1
DC1 needs an updated social care assessment. Does DC1 have an EHCP? Is it good enough, including covering PfA provision? If DC1’s needs are complex, have you considered if he would be eligible for children’s continuing care/adult CHC funding (depending on his age)?

You
You need a carer’s assessment. Or an updated one if you have already had one.

Benefits
If you are not eligible for UC, DH’s income must be higher than £45k or you have savings over £16k.

The rules around disabled young people in education claiming UC are complex. Some benefit advisors give incorrect information surrounding this point. Contact is a good source of information. See their leaflet here and website here. As a teen in full time education, he will not be eligible for UC unless LCW/LCWRA was established prior to the beginning of the course. However, you should make a credits only NEW Style ESA claim in order to establish LCWRA.

Council tax
Is DC1 18 yet? If so, you can be disregarded for council tax purposes as a carer. So you would be disregarded as a carer, DC1 would be exempt as a full time student, DC2 would be exempt as a child. This would leave only DH eligible to pay council tax, thus the household would be eligible for a 25% single person discount.

You can force him via a divorce. Get as much information regarding ‘his’ finances as possible. Get a solicitor to freeze his accounts etc.

It’s not ‘his’ money he’ll learn that the hard way. Do it now while you are still only 50.

Sorry that you are going through all this OP. My dd2 sounds very similar to your dc2. Has had no full time education for 1 year now due to autistic burnout and is now at home with very poor mental health. She should be doing her GCSE’s too. Awaiting a draft EHCP which I have had to fight for. Very let down by LA and Camhs. Also in the north west area/south Manchester. We are definitely struggling for SEN SEMH schools around here! Who is your LA? We are in Trafford

I cannot advise on much but is your younger child interested and able to study right now? If so perhaps take a look at MOOCS or other free online learning short courses just to see if anything sparks his imagination and keeps his brain active whilst you wait for a school place. They're so varied he may find something totally different which just provides a bit of stimulation and escape. You might also find something for you to do too..Best of luck x

I was going to say the same as this.

Don't give up hope about dc2. You're doing the right thing, all you can do is keep him safe now and get him through this time. His brain is still developing, but don't give up hope, it's never too late to do GCSEs etc and he can and will still have a fulfilling and independent life in future ❤️

Leave him. Claim UC until such a time as you can go back to work.

Your DS2… it’s not over for him. He ‘could have been something’ - he IS something! There are other routes than GCSEs at 16, he can take them late, take them privately (once you’ve sorted the money side of things and got rid of DH), he can do some alongside a college course etc. He is so young, his life isn’t over.

The majority of your problems stem from DH, from what you write. It’s hard being a parent to DC with complex needs, but DH is making the whole situation worse rather than better.

As others have said, there are so smany other options that don't mean GCSEs. When i mentioned online courses this is because we found a family friends child a 2 week taster in landscape gardening as he was a school refuser but was cutting our grass and weeding for us as a bit of cash. It spurred him on to set up his own gardening business and he is doing brilliantly now.

But it isn’t his money, you are married, it belongs to both of you whether he likes that or not.
You really need to take advice from a family law solicitor so you understand your rights and can plan accordingly. Most initial appointments are free.

Life can be relentless in your situation, feelings like you're trapped on an endless cycle of sameness.

You'll have plenty of good advice here, hopeful there is a solution for you too.

Maybe look into the Prince's Trust? (Well, King's Trust now). They run outreach programmes and initiatives for young people who have dropped out of school (often due to mental health problems) and help them achieve GCSEs with tons of support. They also offer college level qualifications to people with no GCSEs.