So disappointed how life turned out for me and how to find hope

[Outchy]

I am really struggling with how my life turned out. I have two teens. Both have complex needs. One will need lifelong 24/7 care, one could have been something (extremely bright) but due to a complete let down by Camhs and education, they are now at home, suicidal and without a school place (no places in the radius of 90 mins drive) and unable to sit GCSEs (and therefore no A-level/further education either). both will be a lifelong strain on the system. I studied hard at school and uni and got a good degree but had to give yo work to care for DC1 many years ago and only managed some low paid part time roles. My time is now mainly spend with caring for DC1 when not at college and being at home all day with DC2 as I cannot leave him alone for too long due to poor MH. I am not getting on with H. He is just going to work and ignoring me largely. Financially, it's not great for me either as I only have access to carers allowance, PIP and DLA for the DC and child benefit but need to cover 50% of the household expenses (we don't pool the money, H is refusing). I am just so hopeless and frustrated and don't know what the point is. I want DC2 in school but no places are available (LA stalling the finalisation of the EHCP and aren't responding to emails). I want more support for DC1 so I can get a break. I want to return to work full time to rebuild my career so I am financially independent - only 50 and still have a long time to go until retirement. But instead, I am trapped into caring every waking hour. Because the DC need so much support and H is not part of the team, I cannot see friends. In fact, I don't have any friends left. I don't have siblings and my parents are not around anymore. There is noone.

I just want a life. I cannot be the only one who deals with all these things. Some people shoulder a lot more but I am reaching a point where I feel I cannot go on much further. What is the whole point. I get joy out of nothing. This is not the life I wanted, not for myself but especially so sad about DC2 (who could have been something provided he had an education) but even that won't happen. Fighting the system is pointless. I am completely worn down by it.

I really need to pick myself up but I don't know how.

You are in a horrible situation and doing incredibly well to cope as you do but everyone deserves do do more than just exist. Reading all your updates your husband is the problem. If he was sharing care everything would be easier, you would have someone to talk to, you would have someone to care for one while the other is at respite so you could go out, you would have someone to help fight the local authority.
I would suggest approaching him, possibly with a written list you can ask him to read. Outline the current situation in terms of money and care input. Tell him it is not sustainable. Present three alternatives

1. he steps up to joint finances and a significant input into care
2. you divorce and he will have to pay the agreed amount of money
3. you walk away leaving him with house and children and it is his turn to do everything

Ask him to pick one. Mean it.

I was able to get DC1, complex needs, out of my house and living “independently” with care. We got advice that since as had been physically abusive to younger sibling, that once was 18, that it was as a safeguarding issue and that I needed to protect sibling from abuse.
Concidently I needed to move, and moved to a property without a bedroom for that child. Once DC1 was living at own place, with care, it took time for me to transition back to normal-ish life.
it’s hard to let go, but was best decision for both of us. Child needs to become adult.

when DC is 18, then you no longer involved in anything ….

So, maybe Mencap can help w advice to start process for when 18?

If you divorce the house will be seen as a maritaL asset. It will be sold and you’d get half. You’d also potentially have access to a proportion of his pension. The process tries to make it so that it’s fair. As a SAHM you were unpaid childcare.

Love this.

I just wanted to add my voice to this too. I have friends who gave up in school and left with very little, but they went on as adults to go back to college and now have careers and good jobs. It may seem impossible for them now, but please believe they still have opportunities.

Your dh needs to know all of this. I don’t know that the only way is divorce as hopefully him being this way is his way of coping and when he sees what you have to deal with he’ll find a way to work through this with you

Is H father to the DC? I cannot fathom how he can be so removed from this if he is! And so unwilling to pool money.

Obviously that wouldn’t be an excuse (nothing could excuse his behaviour) but it might help us understand why divorce might not bring any benefits in terms of OP’s financial situation - if they aren’t his children, he wouldn’t be expected to pay CMS.

I’ve read all OP’s updates and apologies if this has been answered and I’ve missed it.

This is actually a much more helpful and compassionate post than those I made. You matter OP, you're keeping whole worlds spinning. Caring for yourself is caring for your children. And you deserve it.

Op is getting good advice re sn, but she'd be better to start another specific thread in sn section. Because sn MN'ers are extremely good at giving good advice eg re how to get echp finalised etc.

I think regrettably too many men are like this. Their love (for their spouse, for their kids) is based on them enriching HIS life (sex, status, adoration, amusement). Because the eldest is disabled and always will be, there is no status, no amusement, just work for him to do, impingement on his comfort. His spouse, quite rightly, is focused on the draining needs of her disabled child - less sex, less attention, less of everything for him. He feels like he's been let down - the child, the wife, are not GIVING him anything, just taking. So he's checked out, doing the bare minimum to maintain the public perception that he's a good guy who hasn't abandoned his family, whilst treating his wife and kids like the defective appliances he sees them as.

At some point he may meet someone else and can then leave as he'll be telling himself a 'forbidden love against all odds' story about himself, and the OP and his kids wouldn't see him for dust.

Men like this are all selfishness and ego. They don't actually understand what love is, they're not capable of it.

And I am assuming they are his kids simply because the likelihood of such a selfish arsehole choosing to enter into a relationship with a woman who already has a disabled child and no job (i.e. who won't be improving HIS situation any) is close to zero.

Please consider speaking to Women's Aid or an independent solicitor (many will offer free consultations).

Your husbands take home on an annual salary of £45k is around £2,900 a month. Where is that money going? Financially (and mentally) it sounds like you'd be much better separating and taking your portion of the property and any savings.

Much love to you, OP, for persevering and holding everything together for your children in such disheartening circumstances.

Something to note is that with 2 disabled/ SN children in your care, in my exoerience you can claim 70% of the value of the family home rather than 50%.

You will have more peace and control without your husband since he is clearly unwilling to step up to the plate financially or with care. 50:50 with one but not the other … hmmm….

@TheGirlattheBack the OP can’t appeal to SENDIST at the moment. She doesn’t yet have the right of appeal. In order to get the right of appeal, she needs to force the LA to finalise, via JR if necessary.

It isn’t 30 days the LA has to finalise following a tribunal Order either. The timescales differ depending on the type of appeal. They can be found in regulation 44 of the SEND Regs 2014.

This is financial abuse which is domestic abuse.

Women's aid could give you advice.

You'd probably be better off splitting and renting & calming uc on your own with the DCs. Do the calculations at entitledto.com

Don't do any wifework for DH until money is 50/50.

He knows he'll be worse off if you split as he'll have to give you 50% of the house value. What will that buy him, a studio and no one to do his laundry.?

He doesnt deserve a family.

@Outchy the ipsea letter is an official pre action letter. You are staying that they are in breach of their legal requirements and that you will be taking legal advice of they don't sort it out asap. Legal representation should be free because it is for your son and he should qualify for legal.aid.

You are in a financially abusive situation. I don't understand why your oldest child can't get UC? Your younger child will be able get GCSE or equivalents. I think you do need to keep hassling thr LA. Could he be classed as EOTAS and have tutors?

@Geneticsbunny IPSEA’s model letter is not a formal pre-action letter.

If IPSEA’s model letter doesn’t work and then a pre-action letter doesn’t work, legal aid would cover judicial review proceedings themselves because they will be brought in DS’s name. But legal aid won’t cover the pre-action letter because that is done in the parent’s name and it doesn’t sound like OP would qualify. There’s a wait, but SOSSEN can help with a pre-action letter FOC.

@Spanglemum02 not all disabled teens in full-time education are entitled to UC in their own right. LCW/LCWRA has to be established prior to the start of the course (which is where making a Credits Only New Stle ESA claim comes in). Contact’s resources I linked to earlier in the thread explain more.

Are you aware that being married makes all money 50% legally yours? Your husband not giving it to you is financial abuse (illegal), and entrapment.

Take him to court, get financial aide etc get yourself help and take what is yours! There is also help when the LA can take your children, or pay for them go on daytrips so you can have a break. Look into what your LA will fund and do something about your husband and the money situation.

@StrivingForSleep thanks for clarifying. I assume you have a legal background? Is there any way to write a pre action letter yourself? I understand they are somewhat of a formality in terms of what they say and there is a structure of how to construct one. I.e they are not to difficult to write? Maybe chatgpt could be used to craft something basic?

@Geneticsbunny I read up about writing one myself but my understanding is that LA will take it far more seriously if it is done by solicitors and I think there are some other legal caveats too...

I will send the IPSea letter first end then look into a PAP. Does anyone know the ballpark figure for those. I think SOSSEN have a wait (but not sure how long)...

You might get lucky. I only had the send the ipsea letter and the council responded..

My council (Somerset) faught EHCP with lies, deceit and attacks in my parenting the school and council conjuring up “incidents”.

For example: CAMHS advice to remain calm and neutral expression in responding to certain situations. School said “mum doesn’t show warmth and is expressionless when child is upset and recommends functional parenting class”. Then used the functional parenting as a “hurdle” so I couldn’t get respite til I did the class and made this reason for SEN despite genetic diagnosis … but the class was never even available in Somerset.
These deceitful behaviors by school and council went on for years - lying sacks of manure the lot of them. No idea what they think their jobs are but convinced they get raises for denying EHCP & needs.

At one point, a lead social worker was in the Caribbean- she was on a work from home contract. How effective could she be? Never even “seeing” her clients interact. Just her dumb face on a tiny phone screen.
Ipsea, charities, legal advice are useless if your LEA, School and social care are all liars working hard to “save” money by denying support for those in need.

There’s a special place in hell for them.

@Geneticsbunny unless you know what you are doing, you shouldn’t attempt to write one yourself. I wouldn’t recommend relying on chatgpt either.

Even if you know what you are doing, some LAs are more likely to take little notice because they know if they ignore it, you still have to find someone with a legal aid contract to then take on the case.

@Outchy you are looking at nearly £1k to well over £1k for a pre-action letter. SOSSEN can help with a pre-action letter free of charge but the pay off is the wait.

Ipsea, charities, legal advice are useless if your LEA, School and social care are all liars working hard to “save” money by denying support for those in need.

This really isn’t the case. LAs lie and act unlawfully all the time. That isn’t unique to Somerset. But parents can force LAs to act via legal means, so knowing your/your child’s rights and how to advocate for them helps. Sadly, DC whose parents know the law and can advocate for them get better support. It shouldn’t be that way, but isn’t going to change in the foreseeable future.

@StrivingForSleep Thanks so much. do you have any idea how long the SOSSEN wait is? I tried to ring them a few times but couldn't get through on the phone.