So disappointed how life turned out for me and how to find hope

[Outchy]

I am really struggling with how my life turned out. I have two teens. Both have complex needs. One will need lifelong 24/7 care, one could have been something (extremely bright) but due to a complete let down by Camhs and education, they are now at home, suicidal and without a school place (no places in the radius of 90 mins drive) and unable to sit GCSEs (and therefore no A-level/further education either). both will be a lifelong strain on the system. I studied hard at school and uni and got a good degree but had to give yo work to care for DC1 many years ago and only managed some low paid part time roles. My time is now mainly spend with caring for DC1 when not at college and being at home all day with DC2 as I cannot leave him alone for too long due to poor MH. I am not getting on with H. He is just going to work and ignoring me largely. Financially, it's not great for me either as I only have access to carers allowance, PIP and DLA for the DC and child benefit but need to cover 50% of the household expenses (we don't pool the money, H is refusing). I am just so hopeless and frustrated and don't know what the point is. I want DC2 in school but no places are available (LA stalling the finalisation of the EHCP and aren't responding to emails). I want more support for DC1 so I can get a break. I want to return to work full time to rebuild my career so I am financially independent - only 50 and still have a long time to go until retirement. But instead, I am trapped into caring every waking hour. Because the DC need so much support and H is not part of the team, I cannot see friends. In fact, I don't have any friends left. I don't have siblings and my parents are not around anymore. There is noone.

I just want a life. I cannot be the only one who deals with all these things. Some people shoulder a lot more but I am reaching a point where I feel I cannot go on much further. What is the whole point. I get joy out of nothing. This is not the life I wanted, not for myself but especially so sad about DC2 (who could have been something provided he had an education) but even that won't happen. Fighting the system is pointless. I am completely worn down by it.

I really need to pick myself up but I don't know how.

the LA is incommunicado. I cannot ask anyone about anything and when I ring schools etc myself, I keep getting told I need to go through the EHCP team. it's a ridiculous catch 22.

What area are you in?

It is illegal for them to not finalise the ehcp as it stops you from forcing them to tribunal. Ask them to issue it with no placement and just put "specialiat setting" on it and then you can start a tribunal wiithout having to go to that thing where you chat to them to see if you can find a resolution without a tribunal. The council are screwed as they have put themselves in a really stupid situation if they can't name a school place.
Then you can force a school to go over numbers and accept your child at tribunal, the council can't do this but you can.

Can you enroll your youngest in some GCSEs privately, and help him at home? Or is that not practical?

North West, close to Manchester.

Then you need to divorce him, sell the house and split equity and get some child maintenance from him. You are married so all your finances are shared asset.
While you can't force him to give you access to his account, he also can't force you to contribute 50% to the household bills. Just don't give him any money and only pay for yours and your kid's food.

I have emailed them so many times asking them to finalise. They ignore me. I don't know how to get them to finalise in the first place. How do I force their hand?

Sorry I meant the marrharhon thing as an uplifting , don't worry he still has lots of time to get himself sorted, not as a "he shouldn't be in school". If he is ready then absolutely push for it.

Do you have an address you can send a recorded delivery letter to? I’ve found this sometimes gets things moving in life.

Find the email address for the legal team in the council and send a letter before action. If you tell me what council it is I can try to find an email address.
Hang on. Will find a template letter before action .

I'm sorry, that sounds really tough. DH on 45 k with no mortgage could pay for a private tutor whilst you wait for a place for DC2 at least that way he could interact with someone outside the family and feel a bit more hopeful about his future.

You are being financially abused and domestically exploited by your husband. You have tremendous challenges but these are being made much much worse by the way you're being treated in your marriage. If you were a single parent then your Hs fair contribution to your children could be legally enforced, financially at least. He may also agree to contact arrangements that would give you a break. Meanwhile, I'd advise you to research every single avenue for support, if not statutory then through charities.

https://www.ipsea.org.uk/letter-when-a-local-authority-does-not-send-a-draft-or-final-education-health-and-care-plan-on-time-template-letter-10

Send this to the director of childrens services and the legal team.

Would this work op?

www.abbeymanchester.co.uk/college-courses/gcses/

How frustrating - can you try IPSEA? Schools have to go over PAN for a child with an EHCP. Don’t offer to home educate because the local authority will rescind the EHCP and your DS will need it for college. Insist on home tuition and contact your MP for support. The local authority will have to pay for transport to the nearest school if they can’t find one nearby. I know it’s extremely stressful but your child is entitled to an education.

This one looks excellent and geared towards your son’s needs:

trafford.tscg.ac.uk/college-16-18/a-levels-gcse-programme/gcse-programme/

This is the best advice.

But op, I am sure you will now follow this. But I really think you actually need a big hug. This thread must ne a tough read when you are low already.

Thanks Devon, that is really useful!

You can if you divorce him.

Your MP can help with so much of this. Please contact them directly by email or phone and request a meeting.

Thanks so much. will do. This is not the same as a pre-action protocol letter though, is it?

Tell them by recorded letter you will be taking them to a SEND tribunal. Ping off an email to your MP today and tell them it’s gone over the statutory 20 weeks. Do the official complaint even if it does take 20 days. Use the IPSEA template letter.

Yes there are so many like this!!

My friends dd ( similar position to your ds) has utterly thrived in her college, she has a huge group of like minded friends now, she loves the support (her father died, mother has cancer and her life fell apart and she became suicidal - also a bright girl) she is now sitting her GCSEs and loves the staff. She has a clear pathway as she has already seen the next college course she would like to do.

Op, I am sorry you have been through so much, but enrolling your son onto something like this could be a huge breakthrough for all of you.

This is a great thread, full of so much information and support. 💪🏻

Also thank you for all the chin up messages that show that not doing GCSEs on the conventional route is the end but that there are alternatives. I really needed to hear that.