So disappointed how life turned out for me and how to find hope

[Outchy]

I am really struggling with how my life turned out. I have two teens. Both have complex needs. One will need lifelong 24/7 care, one could have been something (extremely bright) but due to a complete let down by Camhs and education, they are now at home, suicidal and without a school place (no places in the radius of 90 mins drive) and unable to sit GCSEs (and therefore no A-level/further education either). both will be a lifelong strain on the system. I studied hard at school and uni and got a good degree but had to give yo work to care for DC1 many years ago and only managed some low paid part time roles. My time is now mainly spend with caring for DC1 when not at college and being at home all day with DC2 as I cannot leave him alone for too long due to poor MH. I am not getting on with H. He is just going to work and ignoring me largely. Financially, it's not great for me either as I only have access to carers allowance, PIP and DLA for the DC and child benefit but need to cover 50% of the household expenses (we don't pool the money, H is refusing). I am just so hopeless and frustrated and don't know what the point is. I want DC2 in school but no places are available (LA stalling the finalisation of the EHCP and aren't responding to emails). I want more support for DC1 so I can get a break. I want to return to work full time to rebuild my career so I am financially independent - only 50 and still have a long time to go until retirement. But instead, I am trapped into caring every waking hour. Because the DC need so much support and H is not part of the team, I cannot see friends. In fact, I don't have any friends left. I don't have siblings and my parents are not around anymore. There is noone.

I just want a life. I cannot be the only one who deals with all these things. Some people shoulder a lot more but I am reaching a point where I feel I cannot go on much further. What is the whole point. I get joy out of nothing. This is not the life I wanted, not for myself but especially so sad about DC2 (who could have been something provided he had an education) but even that won't happen. Fighting the system is pointless. I am completely worn down by it.

I really need to pick myself up but I don't know how.

If your husband can just refuse to pay for things, then so can you. He's just as liable for the council tax as you are so honestly, tell him you're not going to pay it any more and he needs to pick it up, and... don't. The council will come after both of you equally if he doesn't pick it up.

For your DC, if home schooling doesn't really work can you find alternative ways to give them some meaning in life and teach life skills? Could you get them into crafts or upcycling and start an Etsy shop for instance? If they're nerdy you could encourage them to try to create niche products for a specific audience they can reach? It won't feel like a formal education but it might be a way to improve mental health and get them engaged with life again?

A PP has a good point - every person is entitled to free maths and english GCSEs, and one free access to higher education course that will let them apply to UNi as an adult without A-levels / BTEC. Maybe in a year or two, your second child will feel a bit better and be able to give it another go.

Big hugs. I have two teenagers with complex needs. Both in specialist schools thankfully. I work four days a week term time only and although I enjoy the money coming in, the extra demands it places on me are exhausting and as our dc are so limited in what they can do, I sometimes wonder if the stress of work is worth it as we aren’t able to go out or go on holidays, haircuts for dc are too stressful etc.

Your DH sounds financially abusive. I would strongly consider leaving him.

You might be better off divorcing DH. Your kids are dependent and you are the carer. I’m not sure whether he would need to pay maintenance for them, but there is probably something that could be done. He’s such an arsehole. I think you should report him to social services for neglecting their needs (and yours) and see if they can help. You may end up with respite care, funding and potentially placement for your 100% dependent child if you wanted/needed it. That would give you and the other one some space to work on their MH.

So sad and angry for you OP. Your DC are the responsibility of both of you, your H appears to have opted out. Like other posters, I’d have to say you’d probably be in a better position by divorcing him. All credit to you for coping more or less single handedly all these years.

I hope things improve for your DC2 as well regarding their education and MH.

Another voice to say please change your mindset on what DC2 can achieve. They might not manage GCSE's at the "correct" age, but that does not mean they can't be done later. Nothing is closed to them, it just may take them a little more time. But that is fine, they can still achieve. Just not on the rigid timetable that society imposes through the school system.

I assume there is no way she could she remain in the house? I think you need specialist legal advice because of the complicated issues regarding your children.

What does he do for a living, is he self employed by any chance or does he have a PAYE job. Someone that callous may do their very best to get out of maintenance.

Op

Your focus needs to be on dc2. It sounds to me like your dh has completely checked out at home, and with the demands of keeping DC1 alive and well, dc2 has nowhere to turn. Don’t you see how much your dh has let down dc2? He could take him out, take him on holiday - show him a life worth living and yet he chooses not and stands by and allows your child to sink to such a low that they wish to take their own life?

Op your family is in crisis; in every sense of the word and your dh is openly abusing you. I suspect you are holding on to him because he is all you have left, I’m not surprised you can’t cope. Please urgently call crisis team, your GP and social services. You need intervention today.

he is employed. salary ok but not enough for spousal maintenance or to maintain two households esp if there 3 three people who cannot contribute. I think it's about 45k but I actually don't know for sure. But somewhere in this ballpark. He wouldn't move out as it's also his house. He would never pay rent of he can live in a house that has been paid off (it's just a 3 bed terraced in a cheap area locally, nothing fancy but still).

Your older dc is eligible for universal credit as he is disabled and over 16 and attending school. That will help a bit. It will be his money but you are allowed to use some towards bills and it will cover his clothes and any hobbies he has.

It sounds like you are really struggling. I am in a similar situation, frustrated that I can't work because I have a disabled teen who needs 24 hour care. We use PAs a lot and it has made a really big difference to our ability to get out of the house. Is that something you could ask about? You have to employ and manage them yourself but it isn't as bad as it sounds. We used them for babysitting and for taking my son out and about to do activities like youth club and climbing and cinema.
Feel free to message me if you want more info about Pas.

I have no advice but it's another vote here for trying not to worry about the GCSEs, they really aren't the be all and end all. OH has no gcse's or A levels but did a degree as a mature student, and a masters. Life is not a straight line. Hugs to you.

we get PAs as part of our respite package but it's 3h every fortnight. and it's not free time for me as I have a second child with complex needs so I use the time to take DC2 out. I couldn't afford a private PA as I use the PIP money to help cover the household bills due to lack of income.

Got benefits advice and told older DC cannot get UC. Cannot remember the ins and outs but it was clearly a no. I get PIP and child benefit for them only.

https://www.ipsea.org.uk/pages/category/education-health-and-care-plans and try your local SENDIASS service https://www.kids.org.uk/sendiass-home/
Every local authority has to have one.
Once your youngest has an EHCP a local school has to offer a place. In the meantime your local authority has to provide home tuition.
Sorry you are going through this.

Can I say how much I admire your strength and fortitude op, but everyone has a breaking point, and you are battling on alone because what choice do you have? You are beginning to sound almost disassociated, almost certainly due to the pressure.

You have MN community here for you. We are holding your hand, and can see how incredibly difficult this all is for you at the moment. Ask for help today.

Your DH has a salary of £45k yet you're footing 50% of the bills from your children's benefits?
Christ he's a cunt.
Get rid.

OP you need to see a solicitor. If you divorce the marital assets will be split and he won’t have a choice. And 45k is plenty to be providing for his children. He’s financially abusing you and denying his children access to benefits that are meant to be targeted at them, not household bills.

You're married. It's not your husbands house at all. No matter how much he might tell you it is.

No specialist advice except I hope you are in touch with your own GP. Very rational to be depressed about the situation but however rational it is, you do sound depressed. Even I your GP has been hopeless in the past, I would try again.

He has an EHCP (draft only) but they cannot finalise as there is no school which has place. LA is stalling. Sendiass isn't of much help tbh and just told me to keep chasing and suggested a formal complaint. But I don't want that as the LA then has 20 days to respond. Then they do not respond so you escalate to stage 2 and it's goes on and on like that. I need a finalised plan so I can appeal the setting if not happy but I cannot get hold of anyone. They don't pick up the phone and don't reply to emails.

I agree with the other posters. Your husband is financially abusive. He should be paying all the bills because he is the one who is working.

Your younger son still has all the opportunities that he had before he left school. There is just a slightly different pathway to get there. He needs to learn how to look after his mental health and wellbeing and what his limits are and to work within those. then as he becomes more confident in his abilities and limits, he will be able to study and /or get a job and do all the things that he wants to. Taking a break from school is not the end of the world. Just a temporary pause. I find it helpful to think about mental health more like a physical injury
You wouldn't expect someone to run a marathon if they had broken their leg. So someone can't do a full set of GCSEs when they are recovering from a mental health crisis. He needs time to rest and recover and then he can go return to college and get what he needs.

Get your MP involved.

Also your husband will doubtless have a small fortune hidden away. He's earning 45k (probably more because he clearly isn't open with his finances) and you're covering more bills. If you're living so frugally then he's saving for himself.

He's financially abusing you and ruining all your lives. Why aren't you angry? You sound so utterly passive and accepting of his horrific treatment of you all

Op have you asked about local colleges? Ours have set up a part time school for dc just like yours. To sit exams, get support, take on new courses. They have been set up all over the country after the pandemic and are fully funded. Your son will be other dc that have found it tough. It’s heavily supervised with counsellors, coaches and well being staff.

You wouldn't expect someone to run a marathon if they had broken their leg. So someone can't do a full set of GCSEs when they are recovering from a mental health crisis. He needs time to rest and recover and then he can go return to college and get what he needs.

I fully understand that. However, he wants to be in school. he is absolutely desperate. Very unhappy at home all day being completely isolated. There are schools which would be great but no space. Keeping him at home isolated like that any longer is making things worse for him, not better. It's difficult to understand without knowing the individual child. I know some children need a proper time out. But it's not working for him.

Something like this would be perfect for your son:

www.sgscol.ac.uk/study/gcse/gcse-plus-all-subjects