To cancel going to my friend's birthday weekend away?

[holidayblues25]

For a bit of context I've never been on a "friends only" holiday, nor a hen do, nor a girls weekend. I've always either travelled solo or with family. I also only have two friends, one of them invited me to this weekend away for her birthday.

Going was out of my comfort zone to start with, but happy to try it, but now I've just been told some kids are coming too. I only like my own, so it's starting to sound like the opposite of relaxing or of debauchery.

My DH thinks I'm being weird and antisocial. What do you all think?

It gets worse and worse. Nobody is in charge. Don’t go! I wonder if even your friend will enjoy it.

When are you meant to be going?
Has anything been booked? Based on the numbers it's going to be hard to find something to accommodate everyone. Also how is the cost being shared? This is always an issue on here about how to make it fair, if some people bring kids and then get a bigger room, en suite because of this do they pay more? What if people have to share, is the cost split between them for a room?

I think it's something that started out as a nice idea but has grown in size and I don't see it realistically happening.

I love going away with my kids and my friend's kids (when the kids get along ) but this sounds crazy

It would be a no from me just for the numbers (drunk women/kids, both bad). You'll end up sharing a dormitory of sorts with people you don't know and can't escape and it will end up costing you a fortune. Suggest a birthday dinner somewhere nice on a different night - tell friend you don't do large groups.

Agree with PP, is this house a mansion? How many bathrooms does it have? It sounds like too many people.

I would ask your friend for a date to take her out for dinner to celebrate, and decline now whilst you still have the option to back out before it all becomes confirmed and you are locked in. It’s going to be hard going, as everyone will have different agendas.

Also these people are not your friends, they sound like trouble with the drug taking, I wouldn’t want to spend a weekend with people like this. No doubt they are using the birthday weekend as a free holiday for their children. It’s very poor form. Your friend needs to pull the plug.

I would go, and work on the friendships that matter to you. Other people's kids are still their responsibility, you and the other child free parents can do what you like.

That sounds like hell to me! I'd rather go somewhere on my own or stay at home.

I don’t think friendships should feel like work though. They should be mostly very enjoyable, fun and uplifting. This weekend has disaster written all over it.

Also op, your dh really needs to stop advising you as to what is best for you - he doesn’t get to tell you what to do. If you don’t like girls holidays and weekends away there is no rule written anywhere that as an ADULT you are supposed to do this stuff. I don’t enjoy them either, and never go. I have tons of friends and they respect my preferences (and enjoy their holidays together!)

Your friends love you for who YOU are, and accept not everyone likes the same thing. Best to be upfront about your choices in my experience.

I think there's having a bit of an open mind and doing something socially that isn't what you'd usually do and doing something that you know will be more of an endurance test.

@holidayblues25 does the mother not have anyone to leave her kids with or does she just not want to leave them??

I'd definitely cancel, and tell your birthday friend (kindly) why - if she asks. Kids of any age will completely change the whole dynamic of an adults' gathering. Suggest another date / activity for you and birthday friend. Bad luck to those women bringing their kids because they couldn't organise childcare. I expect birthday friend was put in a difficult position.

I have no idea why they're bringing them.

My DH says that I should just talk to my friend and tell her that the whole ordeal is making me socially anxious before we even go, and either ask for her "support" or cancel.

Yes definitely talk to your friend! You don’t arrange a weekend away from your own kids to then spend time with other peoples kids. It needs to be adults only or you take your kids or you don’t go. You thought your money and time was going for a child free escape!

The whole thing sounds awful in my view, but tbh OP I feel sorry that your DH doesn’t sound very supportive of you either. He should be backing you up here instead of muddying the waters - of course you shouldn’t go when:

a) more and more people are bringing their kids to an adult get-together (who does that ?!)
b) There seem to be several cliques going already, from which you might feel excluded from the start
c) you were doing it in the first place because you felt you 'should' and had this sense of being 'honoured' to be asked - did you really, really want to go? It honestly doesn’t sound as though you ever did.

I would just put a stop to the whole thing and pull out without any compunction.

Talk to your friend yes! But don’t say it’s ‘making you socially anxious’ and ask for ‘support’ - your DH sounds like he’s the one who’s a bit off socially because those are really odd suggestions of what to say!

Just say you that thought it was an adults only ‘girls weekend’, you were hoping for a rare break from the kids, a chance to relax and obviously other kids coming changes that and it’s not something you fancy but you hope she has a lovely birthday and you’d love to take her out for dinner/drinks to celebrate another weekend.

Of course I never really wanted to go. But between every now and then complaining of how lonely I am, and wanting to experience "friendships" I thought it was a good idea to go outside my comfort zone.

Talking to your friend about it implies you are looking for a solution.

There is none.
They have turned it into a family get away for their children.

Not what you signed up for.

No upset or complaint, just a big smile that you clearly misunderstood the type of trip it was and wasn't a part of the decision making to add some kids, and will not be going as a result.

I wouldn't feel u comfortable or embarrassed. They changed the plan, not you.

It no longer suits.
Don't get into a back and forth, you are simply not going.

I do sympathise, OP. But it’s sounding increasingly as though this isn’t going to be the best arena for this particular friendship to flourish. It’s turning into something you have to fight your way through - seems to me it shouldn’t have to be this hard.

I'm child-free and I make absolutely sure things like this will be child-free before I agree to go. I need cast-iron assurances of it!

In this case I would be very tempted to bail but all my friends would know why and none would be offended, they know what I'm like. Option B is to message the other woman you know isn't bringing her kids and make an agreement that you two (and any other child-free people who feel like joining you) will be going off and doing your own child-free thing the minute the other activities start to revolve around the children.

When everyone else stays in because of naps, you two go out to see the city. When everyone else fusses over what to eat, you two book a table at whatever restaurant you feel like. When everyone else starts the bedtime routine, you two head straight out to a cocktail bar.

In your gut you don’t want to go that’s why you started this thread. There is no way you should be spending time and money on something you don’t want. Just say no, they will get over it or they aren’t worth the friendship anyway. Events with kids are a different ball game to a no kids weekend away. Just. No.

Do some people just unilaterally change the dynamic because it suits them and think everyone else will just feel awkward objecting and just go along with it? Its also easier managing kids with several extra sets of hands who have to be around 24/7. Actually not a bad outcome for them.

Or perhaps they don’t think at all?

I went on a family trip and was told by a family member that one member of the extended family offered for her and her 13 year old daughter to share a room with me, to save me the money. When I got there she told me she snored loudly and told the family member but the family member just laughed and said to let me find that out when I got there! They also said I could be the free babysitter for the week.

I have children and I too made absolutely sure there was no confusion too🤣

This is SO simple now OP, simply contact the birthday girl and say that when the plan was first mentioned you were under the impression that it was going to be a ladies only trip, and a chance for a child free weekend. Since then it's become clear that several people are taking their kids, so you've now decided that it's not for you. However, if she fancies going for a CHILD FREE weekend some time, you'd love to go.

If she gets narky about it, then she's clearly not a good friend, and not worth wasting any further headspace on.

You haven't mentioned who is looking after your own kids that weekend, is it your DH or someone else?

It's my DH with her DH. They were supposed to have a "boys weekend" at our place