To cancel going to my friend's birthday weekend away?

[holidayblues25]

For a bit of context I've never been on a "friends only" holiday, nor a hen do, nor a girls weekend. I've always either travelled solo or with family. I also only have two friends, one of them invited me to this weekend away for her birthday.

Going was out of my comfort zone to start with, but happy to try it, but now I've just been told some kids are coming too. I only like my own, so it's starting to sound like the opposite of relaxing or of debauchery.

My DH thinks I'm being weird and antisocial. What do you all think?

Why do you need to gor a boozy lunch?

God no way would I still want to go knowing kids are going. Will totally change the vibe. I would say that’s the reason why I don’t want to go though.

If the reason they are bringing children is because they can't get childcare, then they should be the ones to cancel, not bring the kids and change the dynamics.

Double check the ages, I was invited on a 'girls' weekend for my aunt's 40th. On the group chat she mentioned oh my sister is driving up with my niece and there were a few polite but clearly put out comments, until they realised I was 28 and she's my mum's step sister and I'd been invited before my mum was.

Oh gosh, OP, then just go if you felt honoured to be asked. Spend time with your friend and leave the childcare to the parent(s). It'll be fine.

If you really don't want to go, @holidayblues25 then I'd tell her that along with the reason why. Good friends should be fine with that.

Why do you need to gor a boozy lunch?

Just was throwing something in there to
a) Show I still want to celebrate with my friend.
b) Am up for having fun, just not with the kids.

I knew that comment wouldn't pass the MN police!

(I'll let you off for your typo though)

I agree with cancelling. This isn't the deal you agreed to. Who wants to leave their own kids to hang out with someone else's kids? Even if they are teenagers, they change the dynamic from being able to let your hair down among peers, to the necessity of at least somewhat staying in "appropriate mom" mode. Their presence will likely also dictate some of the locations and activities. Your friend is the one who messed up here, not you. I wouldn't feel honored. You deserve better treatment than this.

I'm wondering why your husband seems against you cancelling, though.

I actually don't mind spending time with kids other than my own, but yanbu! Birthday weekends with friends are completely different when kids are there and I wouldn't want to waste a weekend on a weekend with someone else's kids either.

Made so much worse by the whole "won't be toning it down just because there are kids there" 😬 comment. I'd worry I'd end up looking after the kids the whole time (this always happens to me at family weddings)

Kids changes everything..even if their mothers are party animals and let their kids go wild, you won't feel relaxed. It's hard to ignore a child when their parents are being a bit irresponsible.

I'd back out and I love girly holidays.

I would message your friend and ask about the children going. She may also not be happy but doesn't want to be the only dissenting voice? Tell her you're not sure if you still want to go as you're spending time and money for a break from children but want to celebrate her birthday.

Because he thinks I've found a good reason to not go. I've never fully wanted to go, I accepted because a) I need to nurture my friendships b) just because I've never experienced something like this means it's not my cup of tea.

He also says he always had the hunch some kids would show up.

I'd still go, but be fuming that someone has asked to bring kids. I expect no one else wants them there either, but it's hard to say no when a sob story is presented.

I'd make sure that I wasn't caught in any child care situation. Being someone who rarely drinks, I'd usually get requests to do child care while the mums drink, or want turn taking 'to be fair'. So have your 'nope, I'm having a rare child free weekend!' speech prepped! Don't give in either!

The problem I've found with people who think "Oh, never mind the kids, I'm here to have a good time!" is that they DON'T mind their kids. So other more conscientious people end up minding their kids for them. Kinda ruins it for the 'watchers' but hey, the parent had a great time, right?

We used to do a lot of group camping due to DH's hobby. There was one set of parents who would send their kids to play at other people's campsites and proceed to get blitzed. Once they even took off 'for a bit' and didn't come back for hours. And like dopes, we put up with it for far too long because it wasn't the kids' fault.

A new family joined the group and flatly refused to put up with it. I'll admit it gave the rest of us the courage to say "Me neither!".

I would cancel. Kids there is very different to adult friends only. Unless you want to bring your children.

How old are the kids? Young enough that they’ll be packed off the bed early so you can all have some drinks and fun?
Any chance the child free people can escape for a bit and go for a few cocktails?

Are they more his friends than yours?! He seems overly invested.

If it was said that it was an adult only weekend and this is now changed then I would pull out. If you knew kids were going to be there then you probably wouldn't have agreed.

I would warn you I have lost contact with close friends after drawing this boundary, so you might want to say something came up instead.

Ah, okay. I don't think it would be weird and anti-social not to want to go anyway though, personally.

I don't recall ever going on a girls' weekend either. But for me, that's more something I'd have enjoyed years ago, before I had the full package of adult responsibilities (husband, kids, job, house...).

Now it just doesn't really appeal to me. I'm not into drinking anymore, for one thing. So listening to half-drunk gal pals yammer on for hours isn't my idea of fun.

These days, I'm more the type to join a women's book club or meet a group of women for dinner and a movie something like that. I'd rather take a trip with my husband. I also don't have more than a couple of friends and that's plenty for me. Many, if not most, of the women I know are similar.

I wouldn't go.

You can offer to celebrate your friend's birthday doing something else, just the two of you, which I expect is how you normally spend time together. Do you actually know the other women well and want to spend time with them, or would you rather see your friend alone?

Group holidays where you don't all know each other can be difficult. If this were just a normal group holiday then perhaps those of you who don't want to hang around with the children could do something together, but if it's a birthday trip then presumably the birthday girl will want the group to stay together.

I'd be disappointed that the birthday girl has presented this as a fait a complis on the group chat, rather than discussing it with you all individually. It is a significant change to what you thought you were agreeing to. Perhaps it means you'll be expected to share a room with one of the other lone women to make room for the children?

Also although it's nice to go along with the birthday girl's wishes to some extent, I think this is too much - spending time and money and potentially annual leave on a holiday that you've no say in. You don't need to accept whatever breadcrumbs of friendship are on offer here. If your friendship can't survive you not wanting to do this type of group holiday, and saying you'd rather celebrate another way just the two of you, is it really a healthy relationship?

I have no idea why your husband is so invested. I’d ignore him - it’s not his life!

There are only a few possible outcomes here

1. You spend the entire weekend faffing around with kids meals listening to other people’s children whining
2. The parents parent inappropriately and it makes you uncomfortable the entire time
3. Least likely but maybe they’re older and have their own room or own plans? Would be a surprising setup but I guess possible.

I would be equally opposed to either of the more likely options and would have bailed already.

No, they're equally our friends. He's been to that festival with them while I stayed at home with our DS, because going to a festival while looking after a 5yo isn't my idea of fun

No way am I going away for a fun weekend with someone else's kids.

I would probably still go as birthday friend might have been put in an awkward position where she couldn’t say no. However, I would leave all elements of parenting to the mum - I wouldn’t be offering to babysit or cook for the children.

Exellent. Tell him to take your place. Job done.