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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel going to my friend's birthday weekend away?

230 replies

holidayblues25 · 23/02/2025 16:42

For a bit of context I've never been on a "friends only" holiday, nor a hen do, nor a girls weekend. I've always either travelled solo or with family. I also only have two friends, one of them invited me to this weekend away for her birthday.

Going was out of my comfort zone to start with, but happy to try it, but now I've just been told some kids are coming too. I only like my own, so it's starting to sound like the opposite of relaxing or of debauchery.

My DH thinks I'm being weird and antisocial. What do you all think?

OP posts:
JorgyPorgy · 23/02/2025 19:12

Dragonstar · 23/02/2025 19:05

"Oops, didn't realise we'd have kids coming... hang on I need to cancel the stripper!"

Or

Private message to friend:

"Hi lovely, I think I've totally got the wrong end of the stick. I honestly thought this was a girls weekend. I hope you don't mind but I'm going to sit this one out. I think I've got enough going on at home with my darlings! But obviously would love a grown up weekend another time. And maybe we can go for a boozy lunch next week or something?"

honestly thought this was a girls weekend. I hope you don't mind but I'm going to sit this one out

Also this

AnotherDayComeMonday · 23/02/2025 19:13

Is her husband going too? Can she not leave the kids at home with him and now she has to bring them on her birthday weekend?

ThejoyofNC · 23/02/2025 19:13

I think some of these suggestions sounds great for a bit of Mumsnet drama but if these women have been bringing their kids all along then it's not their fault and sending them snarky messages isn't fair. It's the organiser who clearly can't communicate properly.

MissAmbrosia · 23/02/2025 19:14

Yes - doesn't need to be snarky but you have to say that you were looking forward to a childfree weekend, and sorry but not up for kids.

CharlotteLightandDark · 23/02/2025 19:14

While I wouldn’t be over the moon about this, you say you don’t have many friends and sometimes to nurture a friendship you value you have to compromise some of your preferences occasionally. Do you like them and want to continue being friends? If so you accept that she would like to celebrate her birthday with you and you graciously attend even if it’s not the thing you’d most like to do in the world.

i see people talking on here about feeling lonely/ not having many friends, I believe good friendships should be nurtured.

JorgyPorgy · 23/02/2025 19:16

CharlotteLightandDark · 23/02/2025 19:14

While I wouldn’t be over the moon about this, you say you don’t have many friends and sometimes to nurture a friendship you value you have to compromise some of your preferences occasionally. Do you like them and want to continue being friends? If so you accept that she would like to celebrate her birthday with you and you graciously attend even if it’s not the thing you’d most like to do in the world.

i see people talking on here about feeling lonely/ not having many friends, I believe good friendships should be nurtured.

Actually wise words. Maybe go and try to carve out adult time with those who aren’t taking their kids including birthday girl who deserves child free night out - ie after dinner cocktails and a bar etc .

Moonnstars · 23/02/2025 19:18

I don't think anyone is being snarky by saying they thought it was an adults only weekend. If that's what they believed or were told, then why shouldn't they question it.

Ophy83 · 23/02/2025 19:20

I wouldn't be happy paying to go on a weekend away with someone else's children

babasaclover · 23/02/2025 19:25

No way would I be going if kids are being added in last minute. Poss take

Dweetfidilove · 23/02/2025 19:27

This would piss me right off.

Presumably youre not sharing rooms? If you go, you can go off and do adult things with the other person not bringing children .

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 23/02/2025 19:34

I wouldn’t go. I’m very sociable and friendly but I’d be pissed off at it being billed as a friends trip and suddenly children are being brought. If I want to go away with kids I will go away with my own, thanks.

SalfordQuays · 23/02/2025 19:37

OP at the end of the day only you can decide, because only you have the answer to these 2 questions.

  1. Will your friend be really upset by you cancelling, to the extent that you risk losing the friendship?
  2. Do you care about losing the friendship enough to endure a child-orientated weekend?

We’ve all done things we weren’t keen on, because it mattered to someone we cared about. I’m not a fan of hen weekends but I’ve been on several, as I knew it would upset the hen if I didn’t go. Equally we’ve all opted out of things that didn’t matter too much to us (such as work Christmas parties!)

You have to weigh up the pros and cons. It doesn’t matter if you ( and the whole of MN) think it’s a valid reason to cancel. If your friend disagrees, then you’ve got a problem.

lifeonmars100 · 23/02/2025 19:38

holidayblues25 · 23/02/2025 17:29

Only found out through the group chat, and now one of them has said "I'm not bringing my DC so I can fully relax" so I'm not the only one who's a bit shocked about it.

"at least three kids" I would take that to mean even more than three and it would not be relaxing. I would make my excuses and not go

JorgyPorgy · 23/02/2025 19:43

Can you talk to the birthday girl and say you didn’t know kids were going , you thought it was a girls weekend away from the kids. Say you need adulf time with friends, a break from the kids and not with other peoples , See if she can relay this to the group so they can sort out childcare. I value my friendships but i personally wouldn’t go if other peoples kids are going.

TheseCalmSeas · 23/02/2025 19:45

I think you’re looking for an excuse not to go.
Totally natural as it’s unknown. I would go & make it whatever kind of weekend you fancy.

JorgyPorgy · 23/02/2025 19:45

Ophy83 · 23/02/2025 19:20

I wouldn't be happy paying to go on a weekend away with someone else's children

Yeah this is how I’d feel.
If you think your friend will still be your friend then don’t go if kids are going. Don’t lose a friend over this though.

AD1509 · 23/02/2025 19:49

I think this all depends on the age off the kids and why they need to come I.e is it a single parent with no available childcare for their 14 y old or a mum with a 2,3 and 4 y old with dad at home who doesn’t want to parent for a weekend.

OneShoeShort · 23/02/2025 19:51

SalfordQuays · 23/02/2025 19:37

OP at the end of the day only you can decide, because only you have the answer to these 2 questions.

  1. Will your friend be really upset by you cancelling, to the extent that you risk losing the friendship?
  2. Do you care about losing the friendship enough to endure a child-orientated weekend?

We’ve all done things we weren’t keen on, because it mattered to someone we cared about. I’m not a fan of hen weekends but I’ve been on several, as I knew it would upset the hen if I didn’t go. Equally we’ve all opted out of things that didn’t matter too much to us (such as work Christmas parties!)

You have to weigh up the pros and cons. It doesn’t matter if you ( and the whole of MN) think it’s a valid reason to cancel. If your friend disagrees, then you’ve got a problem.

This sums up my thoughts. And I think when doing that calculation it’s important to remember that this trip is a birthday celebration for your friend, not a random holiday just to go away. It’s not solely about what sounds like the most enjoyable activity for you, it’s also about relationship nurturing and showing someone you care about that they’re important to you. I wouldn’t attend random peoples’ weddings because I don’t find them a ton of fun in their own right, but I do go to weddings of friends and family because it’s important for those relationships and I care about them and their lives.

If you decide to cancel I would tell your friend directly and ask to take her out to a birthday dinner/lunch or similar just the two of you after or before the trip.

Dollydaydream100 · 23/02/2025 19:55

holidayblues25 · 23/02/2025 17:26

No kids were ever mentioned!

It's five ladies total, and at least three kids are coming. (No idea of the distribution of said kids).

Show quote history

Nah, that's shit. I wouldn't go and the birthday girl should've had the gumption to say "no kids".

Dery · 23/02/2025 19:56

“@CharlotteLightandDark · Today 19:14

While I wouldn’t be over the moon about this, you say you don’t have many friends and sometimes to nurture a friendship you value you have to compromise some of your preferences occasionally. Do you like them and want to continue being friends? If so you accept that she would like to celebrate her birthday with you and you graciously attend even if it’s not the thing you’d most like to do in the world.
i see people talking on here about feeling lonely/ not having many friends, I believe good friendships should be nurtured.”

This with bells on.

MsMcGonagall · 23/02/2025 19:56

I would go! You are not going to be responsible for these kids, you can just crack on regardless. You know there are other women there without their kids too. I've been on breaks with groups where some people brought children and not others- it's fine. It is the parents present who miss out a bit, looking after their little ones. But can still join the rest of you after bedtime etc etc. You don't have to interact with these kids yourself.

JorgyPorgy · 23/02/2025 20:00

MsMcGonagall · 23/02/2025 19:56

I would go! You are not going to be responsible for these kids, you can just crack on regardless. You know there are other women there without their kids too. I've been on breaks with groups where some people brought children and not others- it's fine. It is the parents present who miss out a bit, looking after their little ones. But can still join the rest of you after bedtime etc etc. You don't have to interact with these kids yourself.

The parents can’t really join after kids bedtimes if the others have gone out for drinks etc

ShaunaSadeki · 23/02/2025 20:05

I’d also be a bit concerned about your DHs comment about this woman not being the type to hold back/rein it in despite her DC being at a festival with her. In my experience these types of people are normally tiresome/a nightmare

Thepossibility · 23/02/2025 20:07

If I'm going away with kids then they will be my own. No way I'm wasting precious time away from my kids hanging with other people's kids. Nope.

Original poster
holidayblues25 · 23/02/2025 20:10

ShaunaSadeki · 23/02/2025 20:05

I’d also be a bit concerned about your DHs comment about this woman not being the type to hold back/rein it in despite her DC being at a festival with her. In my experience these types of people are normally tiresome/a nightmare

My DH says she was popping some pills / doing some lines at that particular festival. I have nothing against that, just not with kids!

I am concerned my friend will get hurt that I wouldn't go to her weekend away. My first reaction was to feel honoured above anything else.

OP posts: