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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP making inappropriate comments about friends appearance

245 replies

Robin87 · 23/02/2025 09:20

DP had a friend round last night for a takeaway and a few drinks. I joined for the food and was then happy to return upstairs where I was enjoying a relaxing and early night.

Said friend is recently single and between him and DP, they (somewhat light heartedly) asked if I had any single friends I could set him up with.

I said no one came to mind at which point DP decided to interject with the following:

-“How about X” (name of my oldest friend who split with her DH about a year ago)
-“She has a cracking arse”
-“I don’t know why (ex DH name) left her - imagine having that parked on your face every night”

DP’s friend didn’t really react and the conversation awkwardly moved on. I went up to bed a few minutes after when I’d finished eating.

AIBU to feel that was disrespectful? I know ‘boys will be boys’ at times but surely that’s a conversation best left to down the pub?

I’ve not spoke to DP about it yet but feel I’m going to have to bring it up.

OP posts:
familyfullofeccentrics1 · 23/02/2025 16:37

Are you married to Daniel Cleaver? 😂😂😂

2025willbemytime · 23/02/2025 16:38

familyfullofeccentrics1 · 23/02/2025 16:37

Are you married to Daniel Cleaver? 😂😂😂

Do you think it's funny? Do you think this post is clever? Maybe read all her posts before you give your immature postings.

XiCi · 23/02/2025 16:39

Robin987 · 23/02/2025 16:10

It’s unlikely they’d see each other in any sort of social setting with us not together, so I’m not worried about a future run in as such.

However, this is the first real issue we’ve encountered in over two years, we have so many plans for the year ahead in terms of holidays etc. One being a group holiday which my friend is going to aswell, which is beach based. So there is no way I’d be comfortable with him there no doubt secretly ogling her.

I’m torn on what to say, everyone will be shocked to hear we aren’t together

If you're too humiliated to tell the truth just say something generic like you were arguing all the time and he spoke to you terribly or you just didn't fancy him anymore. You don't owe anyone a full explanation.

Ellie56 · 23/02/2025 16:40

@Robin87 Just tell everybody he's not the guy you thought he was.

TheLargestToblerone · 23/02/2025 17:06

@Robin987 Telling your friends the details of what he said isn't necessary, and would probably make that particular friend very uncomfortable, but "he turned out to have some disgusting views of women" is appropriate without glossing over that he's a pig. I think it's useful for other people to broadly to know, and your friends might appreciate the reason.

Tulipsandaffodils · 23/02/2025 17:11

Oh god I’m so sorry op, there is no way back when he admits he fancies your friend and has been fantasising about her. It is nauseating, and he cares so little about you he doesn’t care you know, he thinks you’re so desperate to be with him you will put up with it.

it’s good it’s over. You would never recover your self esteem knowing he prefers her.

JoyDreamer86 · 23/02/2025 17:28

Robin987 · 23/02/2025 14:50

I’ve managed to lock myself out of my account somehow and can’t find the password for my original email account so replying using a new one. I was debating creating a new thread so my posts could be linked/highlighted but not sure that’d be allowed?

Urgh. I feel absolutely sick

I brought up the comments and said they upset me. He has said he had too much to drink and was showing off to his friend. I asked why he had to be so graphic and he didn’t think he was over the top. “I was hardly describing her having sex was I!”

I was getting upset at this point and asked him point blank to be honest with me about the photo on the tablet. He said it was ‘only that once’ I asked what he meant by this and basically he admitted he had been pleasuring himself earlier that day!! 🤢

He said he alternated between that photo and one of me and that he’s been too embarrassed to tell me in the past that his fantasy is to involve another woman with us. He’s adamant that he has no feeling or attraction towards my friend and he “wasn’t focusing on it being her” just the fact that there would be someone else with us.

I’ve told him to get out and he is going to have to find somewhere to stay tonight as I cannot be in the same house as him at the moment.

Clearly involving another person would be a non starter for me and he has guessed this so decided to play out the fantasy in his head. What I can’t understand is why he had to use that photo and couldn’t just watch something on the internet instead. I wish I’d never asked!

I feel utterly humiliated and don’t know how this person has kept this side from me for so long

I know it will be hard but I just hope you can remain strong and not let him twist things to make you question whether you are making the right decision. 2 years isnt actually that long to know someone so I know it's a shock but 2 years isnt that long and this is obviously the reality of this man and not the honeymoon phase where he tried to present himself as something else. There are much worse things a person can do of course but you are absolutely right to think you deserve better. You deserve more respect from a partner.

familyfullofeccentrics1 · 23/02/2025 17:29

2025willbemytime · 23/02/2025 16:38

Do you think it's funny? Do you think this post is clever? Maybe read all her posts before you give your immature postings.

Show quote history

I have….apart from maybe looking at her iPad which hasn’t been proven…what else am I looking for?

lighten up @2025willbemytime

Millyjanice · 23/02/2025 17:46

Robin87 · 23/02/2025 10:22

We have been together just over two years. DP moved in last summer (I own the house as brought before we met - plans to add him to the Mortgage but for now he contributes towards this). Hoping to have kids in the future. No real issues to this point, and certainly no comments of this nature in the past. Like most people, he is more confident and vocal after a few drinks.

In the cold light of day and reading these replies I feel quite angry and humiliated. I’m not going to be able to wait much longer to say something.

Be very wary of adding him to your mortgage.
If he’s disrespectful now it will get worse once he gets on the mortgage/ has kids/ feels he has you trapped.

Currently you can leave him with ease. Later on with additional commitments and his rights over your property, it will be much more difficult and expensive for you.

Don’t ignore red flags.

Millyjanice · 23/02/2025 17:55

Read you update OP and the issues with the thread.So you’ve kicked him out. Well done and don’t take him back.

He also sounds a bit thick. You can do better than him.

Whoknew24 · 23/02/2025 18:28

Robin987 · 23/02/2025 14:50

I’ve managed to lock myself out of my account somehow and can’t find the password for my original email account so replying using a new one. I was debating creating a new thread so my posts could be linked/highlighted but not sure that’d be allowed?

Urgh. I feel absolutely sick

I brought up the comments and said they upset me. He has said he had too much to drink and was showing off to his friend. I asked why he had to be so graphic and he didn’t think he was over the top. “I was hardly describing her having sex was I!”

I was getting upset at this point and asked him point blank to be honest with me about the photo on the tablet. He said it was ‘only that once’ I asked what he meant by this and basically he admitted he had been pleasuring himself earlier that day!! 🤢

He said he alternated between that photo and one of me and that he’s been too embarrassed to tell me in the past that his fantasy is to involve another woman with us. He’s adamant that he has no feeling or attraction towards my friend and he “wasn’t focusing on it being her” just the fact that there would be someone else with us.

I’ve told him to get out and he is going to have to find somewhere to stay tonight as I cannot be in the same house as him at the moment.

Clearly involving another person would be a non starter for me and he has guessed this so decided to play out the fantasy in his head. What I can’t understand is why he had to use that photo and couldn’t just watch something on the internet instead. I wish I’d never asked!

I feel utterly humiliated and don’t know how this person has kept this side from me for so long

Feel really sad for you, but I could never move forward knowing he’d pleasured himself over my best friend. And the crap he spouted last night.

He’s a waster and be very careful having children with him. Kind of man out on the prowl while you’d be sat heavily pregnant.

Also how could you ever have you friend over again knowing he’d done that over her picture. Nope no way I could ever go back from that my head would be wasted.

Divastrout · 23/02/2025 19:31

familyfullofeccentrics1 · 23/02/2025 16:37

Are you married to Daniel Cleaver? 😂😂😂

Really??
Just wow

MsDogLady · 23/02/2025 19:52

Good riddance, @Robin87. Kudos for giving him the boot.

He’s a pig who actually thought you’d fall for the shit sandwiches he was serving up for damage control — that he isn’t attracted to your Friend and her bikini photo from behind could’ve been anyone. Total guff, as he was carrying on to his mate (and you) about his fantasy of having her sit on his face every night.

If you value your emotional health, and want a fulfilling life with a truly committed man who loves, respects, and cherishes you, you will not allow this low-quality loser back in.

CreationNat1on · 24/02/2025 15:55

Congratulations on kicking this loser to the kerb.

A friend called me yesterday to tell me her (recent) ex H and father to her children, has undergone therapy for addiction and as a result of therapy has recognised he is gay. She feels robbed of 25 years of a healthy, normal relationship and normal sex life.

Congratulations, you have dumped that false idiot, and it means you are free to meet someone worthy of you.

You can and will do better, you ll find someone more suited to be a life long co parent. Keep valuing your self esteem. Put this down as a life lesson.

Kittygolightlyy · 24/02/2025 16:00

@Robin987 well done on kicking him out. He showed his true colours. It’s not nice but be relieved you found out now not in 10yrs time x

IDoWhateverItTakes · 24/02/2025 16:20

I don't blame you for chucking him out, OP. Just gross that he was viewing your friend that way and using a picture of one of them for his own gratification as well. Gross.

Lollipop81 · 24/02/2025 18:44

itsnotjustyoumate · 23/02/2025 09:47

Erm if my dh said that I'd be fucking furious. Boys will be boys is just a term made up by men to excuse behaviour like this!!

Exactly what I was going to say!

MsDogLady · 24/02/2025 18:44

How are you doing now, @Robin87? Is he still gone?

WillIEverBeOk · 24/02/2025 19:20

N/M

Robin987 · 24/02/2025 19:31

Thank you for the comments and kind words everyone.

He has asked to speak to me but I’ve said I am not comfortable with this yet and told him he needs to stay away.

I’ll see how I feel in a couple of days. As far as I’m concerned we are over though. I can’t stop thinking about him looking at that photo of my friend whilst led on our bed and doing whatever he did to himself 😷

asrl78 · 24/02/2025 20:01

Sounds like something out of a porn film, YANBU.

MsDogLady · 24/02/2025 20:50

Yes, @Robin87, his using your close Friend’s photo as a masturbation tool is gutting, as is his recent lustful remark about her body to you and his friend. His perving over her and degradation of you are beyond the pale, and nothing can erase that.

Why give him the opportunity to try to manipulate you? Surely there’s nothing left to say, bar making arrangements for him to move his things out, which should be done over email.

AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring · 24/02/2025 21:14

@LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway How do you know PP doesn't have a better life being single?!?

TwoRobins · 24/02/2025 21:36

Boys will be boys? Disgusting misogynists more like. Vile.

Horses7 · 24/02/2025 22:09

Yuk!
And he’s ogling photos of your friends in bikinis??
In comparison his friend sounds like Prince Charming.
Do not put him on the mortgage.
🚩🚩🚩🚩

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