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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP making inappropriate comments about friends appearance

245 replies

Robin87 · 23/02/2025 09:20

DP had a friend round last night for a takeaway and a few drinks. I joined for the food and was then happy to return upstairs where I was enjoying a relaxing and early night.

Said friend is recently single and between him and DP, they (somewhat light heartedly) asked if I had any single friends I could set him up with.

I said no one came to mind at which point DP decided to interject with the following:

-“How about X” (name of my oldest friend who split with her DH about a year ago)
-“She has a cracking arse”
-“I don’t know why (ex DH name) left her - imagine having that parked on your face every night”

DP’s friend didn’t really react and the conversation awkwardly moved on. I went up to bed a few minutes after when I’d finished eating.

AIBU to feel that was disrespectful? I know ‘boys will be boys’ at times but surely that’s a conversation best left to down the pub?

I’ve not spoke to DP about it yet but feel I’m going to have to bring it up.

OP posts:
itsnotjustyoumate · 23/02/2025 09:55

Robin87 · 23/02/2025 09:49

It has made me think of something I saw a few months ago. All my phone photos are synced to my tablet (cloud), which we share to watch Netflix etc.

I came home after work one day (DP had been at home on a day off) and I unlocked the tablet which immediately opened to a photo I’d taken of my friend on a girls holiday a couple of years before. In a bikini on a beach..

I remember asking DP if he’d been scrolling through photos to which he said no and it must have been an old tab which somehow opened. I wasn’t ever convinced but thought nothing more of it.

I’m now reconsidering what that was about 😩

Oh hell no 😐

Goodnurseorgremlin · 23/02/2025 09:55

Bravado? Of the grossly misogynistic kind?

It's not bravado. It's what he really thinks. He wants your friends arse parked on his face. He looks up her bikini photos on SM. He's also probably been wanking over the pics while looking.

Just gross op.

JoyDreamer86 · 23/02/2025 09:56

UnderHisEeyore · 23/02/2025 09:54

Thank you for reminding me once again why I stay single.

I was just thinking the same thing!

Whoknew24 · 23/02/2025 09:58

Robin87 · 23/02/2025 09:52

He’s extremely hungover as they went into town after they’d had drinks here.

I want to confront him but I know he’ll just be defensive and probably snappy so feel it’s best to wait for him to sober up and try to catch up on sleep.

The relationship has generally been strong and nothing like this has come up before. I’m thinking it was just bravado in front of his friend.

I just showed my husband this, he said he’s clearly into your friend. He also said he’d never disrespect me like this with or without me there. He equally said if I’d done something like that he wouldn’t stand for it.

id be horrified to think what he says when you’re not there.

Wish44 · 23/02/2025 09:59

oh op I am sad for you. I feel like that is the sort of thing that will just eat away at you.

even if it was bravado his feeling for you should have stopped him saying that…. But finding the photo seems bad…

Spring2Action · 23/02/2025 10:01

Gross. I'm guessing you've no kids together OP from what you've said. Don't accept this behaviour. "Boys will be boys"... surely you want a respectful man who knows how to behave maturely and appropriately. I'd be letting this one go as clearly he's not that fussed on treating you well.

Onlycoffee · 23/02/2025 10:02

Robin87 · 23/02/2025 09:49

It has made me think of something I saw a few months ago. All my phone photos are synced to my tablet (cloud), which we share to watch Netflix etc.

I came home after work one day (DP had been at home on a day off) and I unlocked the tablet which immediately opened to a photo I’d taken of my friend on a girls holiday a couple of years before. In a bikini on a beach..

I remember asking DP if he’d been scrolling through photos to which he said no and it must have been an old tab which somehow opened. I wasn’t ever convinced but thought nothing more of it.

I’m now reconsidering what that was about 😩

3 minutes later

I want to confront him but I know he’ll just be defensive and probably snappy so feel it’s best to wait for him to sober up and try to catch up on sleep.

The relationship has generally been strong and nothing like this has come up before. I’m thinking it was just bravado in front of his friend.

If he's going to be snappy and defensive I understand why you might then try and minimise it and rationalise it in your mind but do you honestly believe it was bravado?

How does bravado explain the photo of your friend in a bikini?

Op his mask has slipped and he's inadvertently revealed his feelings for your friend. Knowing this, can you look at him the same?

IzzyHandsIsMySpiritAnimal · 23/02/2025 10:03

ChicaWowWow · 23/02/2025 09:51

Sorry but no, "boys will be boys" is an utterly shit saying, meaning you allow shit behaviours. Nope! That was disgusting and I would be furious at DH personally. I think that would live in my brain forever and I'd never feel body confident in front of him again.
And just to add, I have no issue with my partner finding other women attractive and to say so, but a simple "She's beautiful" or "I think she'd be your type (to his single mate)" or sth complimentary without being sexual and crass would have sufficed.

Edited

100% agree.

"Boys will be boys" is enabling this sort of shit.

It's perfectly possible to say something nice in a respectful and positive way about a woman being attractive. In this case it sounds as though there is a cause for concern about 'D'P, unfortunately.

PiastriThePastry · 23/02/2025 10:03

It’s not a conversation best left in the pub, it’s a conversation that shouldn’t happen at all. How fucking gross to talk about your friend that way 🤢 also, he was obviously having a wank over the photo of your friend, he’s repulsive.

LaurieFairyCake · 23/02/2025 10:04

That's grotesque

He's literally said he wants to have sex with your friend Hmm

Bestfootforward11 · 23/02/2025 10:05

Sorry but that is just gross.

Hdjdb42 · 23/02/2025 10:07

Eww he clearly fancy your mate. Disgusting thing to have said. I'd wait a few days after his hang over and speak with him about it.

InsegnanteScozzese · 23/02/2025 10:08

If my partner said that in the pub, never mind in front of me, I would be horrified. Not all men objectify and disrespect women. It's really gross.

maudelovesharold · 23/02/2025 10:09

AIBU to feel that was disrespectful? I know ‘boys will be boys’ at times but surely that’s a conversation best left to down the pub?

It’s disgusting. If he was my partner, the conversation wouldn’t be the only thing left down the pub.

thestudio · 23/02/2025 10:09

Whether or not he fancies your friend is a total red herring.

the man is a misogynist who thinks of women as things.

HenDoNot · 23/02/2025 10:09

When you have the attitude that “boys will be boys” it can’t be a surprise that this is the kind of disgusting pig you end up with.

TriathlonTriathlonTriathlon · 23/02/2025 10:10

yes men find other women attractive and yes they may comment, but the level of detail here is bizarre and would cross a line for me! He’s obviously given it some thought, rather than it just being an off hand comment.

GoldenLegend · 23/02/2025 10:13

Your bar must be pretty low that you think a comment like that is acceptable anywhere.

Kittygolightlyy · 23/02/2025 10:13

Hopefully you don’t have children. You’re not married. Are you renting or mortgage?
hopefully renting. Find a better man, this one is grim. Imagine how your friend would feel if you told her he’d said that. Imagine how you’d feel telling her he said that! He will only get grimmer, and you can find much better, for sure.

FriendsDrinkBook · 23/02/2025 10:18

He's showing you his true self op and you don't like what you see.

What are you going to do?

PheasantPluckers · 23/02/2025 10:19

I’m thinking it was just bravado in front of his friend.

Most likely, but that is not OK! It's disgusting, demeaning behaviour to you, your friend and women in general.

He might not generally go around behaving like Sid James, but this is a little insight into the real workings of his mind that goes on beneath the veneer of decent and acceptable behaviour day to day.

LoudSnoringDog · 23/02/2025 10:22

Eewwwww what a creep

CharlotteLightandDark · 23/02/2025 10:22

Does he um, park your arse on his face every night?
or is he making himself out to be a more generous lover than he actually is? Coz that part would probably piss me off the most!

sometimesmovingforwards · 23/02/2025 10:22

He was daft to say it out loud in front of you rather than just to his friend.
Oh and he certainly thinks about fucking your friend OP, so worth keeping that in mind.

Original poster
Robin87 · 23/02/2025 10:22

We have been together just over two years. DP moved in last summer (I own the house as brought before we met - plans to add him to the Mortgage but for now he contributes towards this). Hoping to have kids in the future. No real issues to this point, and certainly no comments of this nature in the past. Like most people, he is more confident and vocal after a few drinks.

In the cold light of day and reading these replies I feel quite angry and humiliated. I’m not going to be able to wait much longer to say something.

OP posts:
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