DP making inappropriate comments about friends appearance

[Robin87]

DP had a friend round last night for a takeaway and a few drinks. I joined for the food and was then happy to return upstairs where I was enjoying a relaxing and early night.

Said friend is recently single and between him and DP, they (somewhat light heartedly) asked if I had any single friends I could set him up with.

I said no one came to mind at which point DP decided to interject with the following:

-“How about X” (name of my oldest friend who split with her DH about a year ago)
-“She has a cracking arse”
-“I don’t know why (ex DH name) left her - imagine having that parked on your face every night”

DP’s friend didn’t really react and the conversation awkwardly moved on. I went up to bed a few minutes after when I’d finished eating.

AIBU to feel that was disrespectful? I know ‘boys will be boys’ at times but surely that’s a conversation best left to down the pub?

I’ve not spoke to DP about it yet but feel I’m going to have to bring it up.

I would so so so much rather be single than date a bloke like this.

It constantly blows me away on mumsnet what repulsiveness some women will endure just to be in a relationship.

So sorry, OP. I guess you now know that kind of thing he says about you when he's out with his mates. I wouldn't want a man who could actually say those words to be the father of my children. Imagine bringing up a daughter with a man who thinks like that. Is he heavily into porn? Do you spend many evenings having a quiet time upstairs while he's watching heaven-knows-what downstairs? And how horrible for your friend.

Disrespectful to you, your friend and by the sounds of it, his friend too. He won't change and you know what he's like after two years. He's not a quality person.

Are you fucking serious???? Jesus Christ! 🤦‍♀️😱

I wonder how your oldest friend would feel if she knew her friends Dp was talking about her like that?

I would have a really forthright conversation with him and tell him that

1. you do not find it at all acceptable for him to talk about any women like that,
2. that it is disgusting to make light of a break up and imply that the chief role of a woman in a relationship is to have a great arse to park
3. that it is really disrespectful to talk about your friend like that, how does he think she would feel to know that he bandies talk like that about her
4. it is really disrespectful to you to lech about other women in front of you and his friend like that

And don’t accept any accusation that you have no sense of humour / are a prude/ are jealous etc.

Just say “right , your response tells me that 5. You don’t care how I feel “

If he doesn’t admit he was out of order and apologise I would have terminal ick.

Sorry that was meant to be in response to someone who said they wouldn’t comment on a man’s body.

I would definitely say that a man (or woman) had a nice body when trying to set my friend up.

But men especially aren’t going to just say someone’s got a ‘nice’ personality.

If someone has a nice personality and is attractive/has a nice body then most people would mention that too.

I think people are being disingenuous on here if they say they wouldn’t.

Same. He'd have got both barrels if he'd had said that about my oldest friend. I wouldn't want to be with someone that had admitted he wanted my friends arse in his face either.

Typical mn have you in the divorce courts! sounds like you need a big conversation about your friend. Drink and trying to show of to his mate is what has happened here. I'm not saying it's right. Probably bravado as you said. Have a chat! Read him the riot act and move on. As for perving over friends pic, get you phots pin protected!

So disrespectful and gross, I couldn't look at him the same way again.

Never in 20 odd years have a heard my dh talk about a woman like that and I'd bet on my life he wouldn't in private either.

Oh come on. It's a very different thing to say x has a nice body to saying imagine having x arse in your face every night I've no idea why her ex left her. Especially when it's a good friend of your girlfriend and said in front of her. I don't believe for a second you'd think that was OK and more fool you if you did. And for the OP to then find him secretly looking at bikini pictures of her. You'd have to be an idiot or have self esteem at rock bottom to put up with that

I don’t know why (ex DH name) left her - imagine having that parked on your face every night

OP, the fact he actually had the gumption to say this right in front of you indicates your partner doesn't see you as a respected female partner. More, likely, he sees you as a bit of 'alright' and something akin to a male bro that's convenient to have around.

It just says so much about him. No man who truly respects and loves his partner would do some thing like this, and he knows that.

Sorry, but that's absolutely disgusting.
It's one thing to be putting on a front with his mates down the pub (although NOT saying that's right, it's still not) but to your FACE when you're there?!
Nah man. Jeez. I don't know how I'd get past that.
Not only complete disrespect to you, but he clearly fancies your mate and doesn't care that you know.

Yeah I get that. I just think there is a massive difference between a respectful comment that a woman has a nice figure and what the man said in this post. And in front of his current partner! And to go so far as to say he didn't understand how the woman's partner could let her go. Bit more going on there!

Or maybe find a bloke that doesn't perve over your best mate and make degrading comments about her. Just a thought 🤔. Get your photos pin protected so your fella doesn't wank off to your mates on your holiday pics 🤣. That would be hilarious if it wasn't so sad

Seriously. Raise your bar. Youre worth more than this.

God almighty. Your poor friend being objectified like that. You having to listen to it (and so what if you’re not as thin as her, if he likes a woman sat on his face of an evening, you should be that woman). Life is too short to attach yourself to someone like this, namalt remember 😊

Why would anyone take up with such a person is beyond me? Poor choice.

It's not typical MNs.

It's called having standards and respect for yourself.

I wouldn't put up with it and many others wouldn't either. The man is disrespectful and extremely vulgar.

I work in a pub. If I heard this kind of misogynist shit, I'd chuck them out and the landlord would totally back me up.

Urgh that is grim, sleazy behaviour from your DH, no wonder his friend felt uncomfortable.
Very disrespectful to you. You need to confront him about this.

Was it the same friend ?

Anyway his comments were truly truly vile. I could sort of accept a one off comment with a bit of inappropriateness but his comments were more than that. And his friend didn’t encourage him so it was entirely on your DP.

Seriously? I worked in a pub for about 10 years and this kind of conversation is very commonplace amongst men, not all, but a lot.
We'd have had no punters left if the landlord chucked them all out.

@Robin87 you've thankfully had a glimpse into the future of what your life will be like if you stay with him. Add kids and losing half your house to that and you've got the full package.

He's actively looking at other women and very likely weighing up his options. This man does not respect you and therefore probably doesn't really love you enough to even feign respect in front of his friend.

Question is, what are you going to do about it?

By the sound of it, it appears that even his friend was embarrassed. So much for boy banter.

Typical mumsnet ?

what women having respect for themselves ? They’re adults and married he’s sneaking about getting pictures of her in a bikini and gave a detailed account of her sexually.

so how would you as a female with respect for herself plod along when your husband wants to fuck your best friend ? Not only that he let it be known right in front of your face. For me that would be it marriage over.