DP making inappropriate comments about friends appearance

[Robin87]

DP had a friend round last night for a takeaway and a few drinks. I joined for the food and was then happy to return upstairs where I was enjoying a relaxing and early night.

Said friend is recently single and between him and DP, they (somewhat light heartedly) asked if I had any single friends I could set him up with.

I said no one came to mind at which point DP decided to interject with the following:

-“How about X” (name of my oldest friend who split with her DH about a year ago)
-“She has a cracking arse”
-“I don’t know why (ex DH name) left her - imagine having that parked on your face every night”

DP’s friend didn’t really react and the conversation awkwardly moved on. I went up to bed a few minutes after when I’d finished eating.

AIBU to feel that was disrespectful? I know ‘boys will be boys’ at times but surely that’s a conversation best left to down the pub?

I’ve not spoke to DP about it yet but feel I’m going to have to bring it up.

There are certainly a few yellow flags here.

For me it would be all about his response today.

If he's going to defend that sort of banter then he wouldn't be the man for me.

If he can acknowledge it was inappropriate and grotty I'd try and let it go. But I'd keep a close eye.

The naiveté in these comments.
"Not my Nigel, no." 🤣

If you’re considering this guy as “the one” if I were you I would have a major rethink. Don’t want to bore you with tales from when I was young but.. he sounds just like a guy I was engaged to for 5 years. I am nearly 60 years old now and my memories came to mind when I read your dilemma. He used to say things like that and ogle other women every time we were out, he even said to my sister’s boyfriend “do you wanna swap”. Absolute ars*hole! The w*ker took some time to get rid of even after he cheated on me twice I will add. (Luckily no kids with him btw). I had to threaten the law on him in the end. Men like that will seriously chip so much from your self esteem that you will end up a husk of yourself. I gained self worth and confidence back after therapy for 8 years. The man I married, we met in our early thirties and we’re both nearly 60 now he has never said anything like that to me and wouldn’t dare even now. Your current boyfriend won’t change, he’ll only get worse. The ex boyfriend never settled down or had children and I heard he died last year. Get rid of him now and find someone with intelligence and respect for themselves and women. Life is too short to waste it on tossers Xx

My advice to you is to move house to a completely different location and make an entirely new set of friends.
There actually are decent men out there and I'm sorry for you that you haven't been exposed to that.

Oh dear.

Oh, OP, get rid of him. Next time he's out of the house, put all his stuff in bin bags at the gate. If he wants to know where he should go, tell him to go to your friend with the 'cracking arse' and get her to sit on his face.

Or, you can set yourself up for a life of sorrow, embarrassment, humiliation, pain and suffering by staying with this man who looks at other women and isn't afraid to say so. And what about when he gets chance to do more than look? You're at risk of financial loss, too. Please, don't do it. Don't get pregnant. Don't let him on the mortgage. Don't even have him around. Get rid.

Ugh gross. I shudder thinking what I’d do if DH said that about my best friend 🤢 Also that’s some proper balls to say that in front of you. If he makes you feel shitty or over dramatic for bringing it up then that tells you all you need to know.

I wouldn’t have married my husband if he was the sort of person to speak about a woman the way op’s did partner has. With anyone, let alone in front of me. I can’t vouch for what he was like as a teen, although knowing him now, he’d have been no different. He has never been ‘one of the lads’ and isn’t interested in going out getting pissed and disrespecting his wife. No naïveté here. He just isn’t that sort of man. He may well fancy one of my friends or a random woman on the school run but I’d never hear about it, nor would anyone else because he wouldn’t want people to think he was an arsehole.
Perhaps your bar needs to be raised if this is normal behaviour for your partner.

Fancying someone else/thinking they're a bit of alright is one thing.

It is quite another to even think that crude, misogynistic shite let alone say it out loud, in front of your partner.

You need to speak to him about his behaviour. He's already lied about the photo. His response will tell you what you need to know.

Hard to move past though, especially if you want kids. Imagine having a daughter with a man who sees women as just fuckable or not.

Don't put him on the mortgage, protect your assets.

Putting aside how utterly grim he sounds anyway why the bloody hell would you add him to your mortgage.
Such a stupid idea - DON'T DO IT!!

You think all men are naturally disrespectful towards women? That's depressing. I know plenty of men who wouldn't ever speak about a woman in that way. You should keep better company.

Tell him straight that it was a totally inappropriate remark, embarrassing and lewd, and remind him he is not a schoolboy. Don't put up with that sort of thing, it's extremely offensive.

Two years on, the honeymoons over, your man's complacent, taken his mask off and you get to see what you've really won. The world is divided into men who think it's OK to make creepy objectifying comments about our friends and those who don't. Unfortunately the first group don't turn into the second if you tell them off. They just do it behind your back. Up to you if that's a deal breaker.

I agree with you that not all men are disrespectful. But the tedious, lazy and smug 'you should keep better company' really grinds my gears. Has it not occurred to you that some of us have no choice but to be exposed to this type of man? If they're our colleagues, team mates, or our customers if we work in service industries? Most of us have to interact with men outside of our own homes and chosen friendship groups where they will be behaving well in front of us. We make our judgements based on men we encounter when they're not trying to impress us.

Ewww! Throw this one back in the pond. You can do better than this for the father of your future kids.

I really wouldn't put up with that.
Sounds like he's given that fantasy enough thought to vocalise it after a few drinks and some bravado.
To impress his mate? Gross.
He's objectifying your friend and no longer hiding it.
I wouldn’t put my friend in the situation where she ever had to be around such a creepy letch again.
If it was said by a stranger on a night out to you or your friend, how would you react?
I hope you find a solution you are happy with.

In three minutes you went from feeling crap to defending him or minimising it @Robin87 .

It would be over for me without a real and sincere explanation and apology as well as about the photo he was probably wanking to.

Yeah, probably because it'll be a lot to take in?
I'd imagine it's pretty overwhelming seeing all these replies and you'd be trying to get your head around it all.

“I don’t know why (ex DH name) left her - imagine having that parked on your face every night”

This alone would end it for me. I could not look at him the same again, and couldn't be with someone who clearly objectifies women. ("That" is how one refers to an object.)

Remember, in vino veritas.

Sorry, this man (child) is revolting.
Please don’t waste any more time with him.
He’s dug the hole & jumped in..
Hold your head up & eject from your life.

He fancies your mate. Now its out in the open. He doesn't care you know, it seems.

She knows, but presumably ignores him. She doesn't tell you as you might back off from friendship.

I wouldn't tell her. I'd be very clear with him what is acceptable in your marriage. He will deny of course, but at least you'll have set boundaries which you are comfortable with l.

I’ve managed to lock myself out of my account somehow and can’t find the password for my original email account so replying using a new one. I was debating creating a new thread so my posts could be linked/highlighted but not sure that’d be allowed?

Urgh. I feel absolutely sick

I brought up the comments and said they upset me. He has said he had too much to drink and was showing off to his friend. I asked why he had to be so graphic and he didn’t think he was over the top. “I was hardly describing her having sex was I!”

I was getting upset at this point and asked him point blank to be honest with me about the photo on the tablet. He said it was ‘only that once’ I asked what he meant by this and basically he admitted he had been pleasuring himself earlier that day!! 🤢

He said he alternated between that photo and one of me and that he’s been too embarrassed to tell me in the past that his fantasy is to involve another woman with us. He’s adamant that he has no feeling or attraction towards my friend and he “wasn’t focusing on it being her” just the fact that there would be someone else with us.

I’ve told him to get out and he is going to have to find somewhere to stay tonight as I cannot be in the same house as him at the moment.

Clearly involving another person would be a non starter for me and he has guessed this so decided to play out the fantasy in his head. What I can’t understand is why he had to use that photo and couldn’t just watch something on the internet instead. I wish I’d never asked!

I feel utterly humiliated and don’t know how this person has kept this side from me for so long

So sorry OP but now at least you know what he is like.
Good riddance to bad rubbish.
Sending you 💓

Sorry he’s disgusting. Fair enough if he’d said your friend was single, and that she’s an attractive lady, and said it in a respectful way. BUT even drunk jokey sexual banter asides, the way he has described your friend, and disrespecting you in front of his mate! Just no… giant ick for me