DP making inappropriate comments about friends appearance

[Robin87]

DP had a friend round last night for a takeaway and a few drinks. I joined for the food and was then happy to return upstairs where I was enjoying a relaxing and early night.

Said friend is recently single and between him and DP, they (somewhat light heartedly) asked if I had any single friends I could set him up with.

I said no one came to mind at which point DP decided to interject with the following:

-“How about X” (name of my oldest friend who split with her DH about a year ago)
-“She has a cracking arse”
-“I don’t know why (ex DH name) left her - imagine having that parked on your face every night”

DP’s friend didn’t really react and the conversation awkwardly moved on. I went up to bed a few minutes after when I’d finished eating.

AIBU to feel that was disrespectful? I know ‘boys will be boys’ at times but surely that’s a conversation best left to down the pub?

I’ve not spoke to DP about it yet but feel I’m going to have to bring it up.

Sorry but why did he need to comment on her attractiveness or body at all?

That is truly obnoxious. Seriously hold off on ‘adding him to your mortgage’ for a good few years. It doesn’t need to be done with any urgency and, based on this, I want to see how he behaves over the next several years before I’d be handing over any of my independence.

OP, if this is how he talks about your friend to your face in front of other people, god only knows what he thinks is ok when you aren’t there. This is the behaviour of a vile bloke who’d probably cheat. You probably will want to think it’s only words but it’s really disrespectful, lechy behaviour and it’s backed up by him looking at the bikini picture. Don’t have kids with this sleazeball. Your warning flags are waving right in front of your eyes.

If it were me, I’d tell my friend because I’d also want to hear if he’s ever tried chatting her up and she’s been too worried to say. My friends told me my ex had cracked onto them after I dumped him for cheating. I wasn’t happy to have not been told earlier! If you don’t want to mention the photo, speak in more general terms - he was disrespectful and couldn’t be trusted to be faithful.

OMG how humiliating he behaved that way towards you. That along with finding that photo open of your friend in her bikini (and how he tried to cover up what he was doing) is really gross.

At least his friend behaved graciously in the situation.

He would be permanently parked elsewhere and hopefully towed away at some point,

It’s really disappointing but would be feeling relieved his mask has slipped before I’d added him to my mortgage or started a family. Close escape.

DP moved in last summer (I own the house as brought before we met - plans to add him to the Mortgage but for now he contributes towards this).

DO NOT add him to the mortgage! He'll have a claim to your house down the road.

I hate people who disrespect girls.

I just saw your update, so you actually got him to admit the photo, but then he still added on layers of lies to obfuscate.

He’s deeply untrustworthy and vile,

So glad you dumped him.

You have done absolutely nothing wrong and hope you can focus on your own healing, building up your self esteem.

Agree with PP you don’t owe anyone a detailed explanation, you realised you are very different people, it didn’t work out.

Some people take longer to get to know well than others. Some people make a point of hiding less appealing aspects of their character until they are confident the other person is hooked. Now you know he is the sort of man that talks about women in this way and probably ogles, if not wanks over, photos of your friends.

I wonder what he would have said, how he would've felt, if you had said his friend was way too hot to need fixing up with dates and you imagined sex with him would be phenomenal.

Don't let the sunk cost fallacy stop you doing what is best for you.

He's a fucking pig. I'd have dealt with it right then and there - but honestly no boyfriend of mine would ever have said this to me or around me as they would have known I would never tolerate that sort of shit, drunk, sober, drugged off his arse, there is never an excuse to be a fucking pig.

Surely you knew he was a pig already? Pig behaviour like this never comes out of nowhere.

Choose better after you split up.

He has his feet well and truly under the table now op, and has started taking you for granted, he doesn’t need to try any more and sees you as ‘one of the lads’ or the housemaid (or both) He is looking forward to getting his hands on half of your house. You would be foolish to allow this to continue.

He is a disgusting leech, perving over your oldest friends, in your place this relationship would be over. There is no future, you can’t have children with someone like this op, can you imagine your young dd of five listening to this?? I would see this as a lucky opportunity to escape, and find someone that is truly respectful and loving, and throw this rancid toad back into the sea/sewer where he belongs.

This is him, and I’m sorry he is so deeply disappointing.

What a horrible cunt.

Wow...on what planet would he think that was alright to say?

Naff dickhead.

Never mind boys will be boys - dickheads will be dickheads maybe, but no one proper would ever even think that.

Blimey, there's a time and a place for sauciness, filthiness, inappropriateness even...but this isn't like that, is it? Discretion and context is the key - this fella is tone deaf if he was being serious or not...

your DP sounds gross and if you excuse his behaviour with a mantra like “boys will be boys” you are also part of the problem. You should have called him out at the time, so should his friend.

I sincerely hope you are in the process of getting rid of this vile
man.

Sorry OP but you know those guys that cat call and intimidated women in the street? That's your partner. His friend at bare minimum should have said not cool mate. Women are not items or the property of men to be sexualised and disrespected. Your partner sounds like a misogynist with outdated opinions around women, you also sound like you have internalised misogyny hence "boys will be boys" that dismissed and infantilises their behaviour. No boys will not be boys unless they have been raised to behave this way and indulged. By further comments it sounds like he's not that lovely as you have to moderate your behaviour to suit his mood (hangover). Perhaps have a think. Is this a way you would like to be described by him to his friends? Do you really want to live with someone who thinks like this, who probably gropes women and intimidated them if he can and or is drunk enough? As they say, he told you who he is, believe him.

@Robin87 I hope you think long and hard about putting this dud on your mortgage. I think that, right now, that would not be in your best interest.

He sounds immature and a bit sketchy. Hold on to what is yours and please don't be in any hurry to marry this guy.

Agree. DO NOT do it, he's scum.

I hope you have enough self esteem left to end it and move on.
This guy is not respectful of you, your friends or any other women. What makes him think she would even consider him as a sexual partner, but more to the point that you are happy for him to fantasise over your best friend. He’s already lying to you over the bikini pics and you are only 2 years into a relationship.
Imagine telling your friend all of the above and think long and hard about what she would advise you to do.

Right now you hold the cards with the house ownership and yet you say you will get a bad reaction if you want to discuss his behaviour.
It will not get better. There is nothing to talk about other than his imminent exit. You deserve better - please believe it.

@Robin87, how are you doing?

Like others have said, women who think 'boys will be boys' end up with this kind of pigs. If you choose to stay with him, let alone have kids with him, I can only imagine what you will be posting on Mumsnet a few years down the line... Your choice.