Page 8 | DP making inappropriate comments about friends appearance

Robin87 · 2025-02-23T09:20:34+00:00

DP had a friend round last night for a takeaway and a few drinks. I joined for the food and was then happy to return upstairs where I was enjoying a relaxing and early night. Said friend is recently single and between him and DP, they (somewhat light heartedly) asked if I had any single friends I could set him up with. I said no one came to mind at which point DP decided to interject with the following: -“How about X” (name of my oldest friend who split with her DH about a year ago) -“She has a cracking arse” -“I don’t know why (ex DH name) left her - imagine having that parked on your face every night” DP’s friend didn’t really react and the conversation awkwardly moved on. I went up to bed a few minutes after when I’d finished eating. AIBU to feel that was disrespectful? I know ‘boys will be boys’ at times but surely that’s a conversation best left to down the pub? I’ve not spoke to DP about it yet but feel I’m going to have to bring it up.

namethisbird · 23/02/2025 15:24

Do not add him to your mortgage, why are you doing that?
Big Mistake.

Crikeyalmighty · 23/02/2025 15:33

@Robin987 I'm so sorry - problem is once the genies out the bottle - it's always there just hanging round in the air. To be honest the only guys I've known who come out with this shizzle in front of others rather than keeping stuff in their heads ( and yes plenty of men do think this sleaze in their heads) have always been none too bright either- you sound a smart lady and I think are way too good for him anyway -

BettyBardMacDonald · 23/02/2025 15:34

Lotsofsnacks · 23/02/2025 15:18

Sorry he’s disgusting. Fair enough if he’d said your friend was single, and that she’s an attractive lady, and said it in a respectful way. BUT even drunk jokey sexual banter asides, the way he has described your friend, and disrespecting you in front of his mate! Just no… giant ick for me

This. Just get rid of.

Any decent man might say "Robin's friend Sarah is a nice woman; perhaps we could ask her round one evening."

Not "whoa yeah love to have her sitting on my face!"

Being alone would be better than being with this disrespectful twat. Drink is zero excuse.

RodeoRoo · 23/02/2025 15:37

Kittylechat · 23/02/2025 13:11

You think all men are naturally disrespectful towards women? That's depressing. I know plenty of men who wouldn't ever speak about a woman in that way. You should keep better company.

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LMAO never said all now did I.

ginasevern · 23/02/2025 15:37

What do they say on Mumsnet - "when someone tells you who they are, believe them". Well this is a classic example. He's a fucking dinosaur. If he's saying this kind of vile crap, just imagine what he's actually thinking. Ffs don't put him on the mortgage and don't breed with this misogynistic, sexist pig.

XiCi · 23/02/2025 15:38

Robin987 · 23/02/2025 14:50

I’ve managed to lock myself out of my account somehow and can’t find the password for my original email account so replying using a new one. I was debating creating a new thread so my posts could be linked/highlighted but not sure that’d be allowed?

Urgh. I feel absolutely sick

I brought up the comments and said they upset me. He has said he had too much to drink and was showing off to his friend. I asked why he had to be so graphic and he didn’t think he was over the top. “I was hardly describing her having sex was I!”

I was getting upset at this point and asked him point blank to be honest with me about the photo on the tablet. He said it was ‘only that once’ I asked what he meant by this and basically he admitted he had been pleasuring himself earlier that day!! 🤢

He said he alternated between that photo and one of me and that he’s been too embarrassed to tell me in the past that his fantasy is to involve another woman with us. He’s adamant that he has no feeling or attraction towards my friend and he “wasn’t focusing on it being her” just the fact that there would be someone else with us.

I’ve told him to get out and he is going to have to find somewhere to stay tonight as I cannot be in the same house as him at the moment.

Clearly involving another person would be a non starter for me and he has guessed this so decided to play out the fantasy in his head. What I can’t understand is why he had to use that photo and couldn’t just watch something on the internet instead. I wish I’d never asked!

I feel utterly humiliated and don’t know how this person has kept this side from me for so long

Really sorry OP but its a blessing you found this out before putting him on the mortgage or getting pregnant.

It's bullshit btw that he doesn't have any attraction to her or that he wasn't focusing on her, don't let him twist things. As you say he could have watched any random woman on a porn site but he searched out a photo of your friend. You deserve much better than that

Gatekeeper · 23/02/2025 15:41

Christ, thats revolting ...why on earth does he want somebodies anus on his face . Dirty bugger

SwingTheMonkey · 23/02/2025 15:41

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RodeoRoo · 23/02/2025 15:43

5128gap · 23/02/2025 13:28

I agree with you that not all men are disrespectful. But the tedious, lazy and smug 'you should keep better company' really grinds my gears. Has it not occurred to you that some of us have no choice but to be exposed to this type of man? If they're our colleagues, team mates, or our customers if we work in service industries? Most of us have to interact with men outside of our own homes and chosen friendship groups where they will be behaving well in front of us. We make our judgements based on men we encounter when they're not trying to impress us.

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Exactly this!
Like I said, naiveté.

outerspacepotato · 23/02/2025 15:43

Don't let him back in. Bag up his stuff and put it outside. He's a liar and a trashman and he dropped his mask trying to impress his buddy.

RodeoRoo · 23/02/2025 15:45

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Not married, nor attracted to men.

Divastrout · 23/02/2025 15:45

Robin987 · 23/02/2025 14:50

I’ve managed to lock myself out of my account somehow and can’t find the password for my original email account so replying using a new one. I was debating creating a new thread so my posts could be linked/highlighted but not sure that’d be allowed?

Urgh. I feel absolutely sick

I brought up the comments and said they upset me. He has said he had too much to drink and was showing off to his friend. I asked why he had to be so graphic and he didn’t think he was over the top. “I was hardly describing her having sex was I!”

I was getting upset at this point and asked him point blank to be honest with me about the photo on the tablet. He said it was ‘only that once’ I asked what he meant by this and basically he admitted he had been pleasuring himself earlier that day!! 🤢

He said he alternated between that photo and one of me and that he’s been too embarrassed to tell me in the past that his fantasy is to involve another woman with us. He’s adamant that he has no feeling or attraction towards my friend and he “wasn’t focusing on it being her” just the fact that there would be someone else with us.

I’ve told him to get out and he is going to have to find somewhere to stay tonight as I cannot be in the same house as him at the moment.

Clearly involving another person would be a non starter for me and he has guessed this so decided to play out the fantasy in his head. What I can’t understand is why he had to use that photo and couldn’t just watch something on the internet instead. I wish I’d never asked!

I feel utterly humiliated and don’t know how this person has kept this side from me for so long

@ginasevern @BettyBardMacDonald OP has just updated. She locked herself out of her account and she has thrown him out

SwingTheMonkey · 23/02/2025 15:46

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MyLimeGuide · 23/02/2025 15:49

Thank god you have thrown him out stay strong!! You no NOT need or deserve that! What a twat!!

Robin987 · 23/02/2025 15:49

XiCi · 23/02/2025 15:38

Really sorry OP but its a blessing you found this out before putting him on the mortgage or getting pregnant.

It's bullshit btw that he doesn't have any attraction to her or that he wasn't focusing on her, don't let him twist things. As you say he could have watched any random woman on a porn site but he searched out a photo of your friend. You deserve much better than that

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He tried to argue that her face wasn’t visible (as it was a photo of her turned around) - like that makes it okay. I’m getting more and more angry now

Robin987 · 23/02/2025 15:51

I’m really struggling not being able to confide in my friend. I mean how on earth am I supposed to bring this up? Or even explain to her and other friends and my family why it’s over. It’s humiliating to say what happened 😭

RodeoRoo · 23/02/2025 15:51

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Wrong. Again. You really should stop with your made up narrative of me, it's silly. Please stop replying to me further.

SwingTheMonkey · 23/02/2025 15:53

RodeoRoo · 23/02/2025 15:51

Wrong. Again. You really should stop with your made up narrative of me, it's silly. Please stop replying to me further.

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I’ll reply to whatever I want thank you! If you post on an open forum you can expect to have people reply to you.

Im presuming you mean I’m wrong when I assumed you were a grown woman. I thought as much.

outerspacepotato · 23/02/2025 15:55

Your friend needs to know he was using her photo to get off and that he made crude sexual comments about her. What if he tries lying to her? Or even just running into her she likely would want nothing to do with him if she knew the truth.

This is not on you. It's him that's the problem.

BettyBardMacDonald · 23/02/2025 16:01

Robin987 · 23/02/2025 15:51

I’m really struggling not being able to confide in my friend. I mean how on earth am I supposed to bring this up? Or even explain to her and other friends and my family why it’s over. It’s humiliating to say what happened 😭

You needn't give details.

"Our values aren't compatible" is sufficient.

If you must: "As I got to know him better, I found more and more of his attributes toward women to be intolerable."

It's more discreet and dignified to keep the details to yourself. Or find a professional counselor to talk it through with.

ginasevern · 23/02/2025 16:02

Divastrout · 23/02/2025 15:45

@ginasevern @BettyBardMacDonald OP has just updated. She locked herself out of her account and she has thrown him out

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Oh thanks, didn't see this. I'm glad she's found the strength to throw this utter scumbag out.

BettyBardMacDonald · 23/02/2025 16:02

outerspacepotato · 23/02/2025 15:55

Your friend needs to know he was using her photo to get off and that he made crude sexual comments about her. What if he tries lying to her? Or even just running into her she likely would want nothing to do with him if she knew the truth.

This is not on you. It's him that's the problem.

No she doesn't! Come on.

outerspacepotato · 23/02/2025 16:05

I think she should know, absolutely.

How would you like being friendly with some gross dude who talked about you in such crude terms and used your photo to jack off and your friend didn't give you a clue?

Robin987 · 23/02/2025 16:10

It’s unlikely they’d see each other in any sort of social setting with us not together, so I’m not worried about a future run in as such.

However, this is the first real issue we’ve encountered in over two years, we have so many plans for the year ahead in terms of holidays etc. One being a group holiday which my friend is going to aswell, which is beach based. So there is no way I’d be comfortable with him there no doubt secretly ogling her.

I’m torn on what to say, everyone will be shocked to hear we aren’t together

2025willbemytime · 23/02/2025 16:36

Robin987 · 23/02/2025 14:50

I’ve managed to lock myself out of my account somehow and can’t find the password for my original email account so replying using a new one. I was debating creating a new thread so my posts could be linked/highlighted but not sure that’d be allowed?

Urgh. I feel absolutely sick

I brought up the comments and said they upset me. He has said he had too much to drink and was showing off to his friend. I asked why he had to be so graphic and he didn’t think he was over the top. “I was hardly describing her having sex was I!”

I was getting upset at this point and asked him point blank to be honest with me about the photo on the tablet. He said it was ‘only that once’ I asked what he meant by this and basically he admitted he had been pleasuring himself earlier that day!! 🤢

He said he alternated between that photo and one of me and that he’s been too embarrassed to tell me in the past that his fantasy is to involve another woman with us. He’s adamant that he has no feeling or attraction towards my friend and he “wasn’t focusing on it being her” just the fact that there would be someone else with us.

I’ve told him to get out and he is going to have to find somewhere to stay tonight as I cannot be in the same house as him at the moment.

Clearly involving another person would be a non starter for me and he has guessed this so decided to play out the fantasy in his head. What I can’t understand is why he had to use that photo and couldn’t just watch something on the internet instead. I wish I’d never asked!

I feel utterly humiliated and don’t know how this person has kept this side from me for so long

I e reported your post to see if MNHQ can help as some posters will miss you update. Even when you stay the same all through, posters don't read properly and maser form the first few posts, even just the first one.

Your partner is not mature enough for a relationship. You've got him out. Don't let him back in. You'll be doing yourself a massive favour.