Sad about how life has turned out

[Cinno]

Can't help but feel sad about how life has turned out as a single mum. I know I'm suppose to pretend to love it but I can't, I hate it and I'm so lonely and miserable it's not early days so no it won't "get better" I hate it the more time goes on. How do you get over the fact life hasn't turned out how you'd hoped?

4 kids in your 20s is quite uncommon but more worrying than that is having children because you like babies and toddlers and then be surprised pikachu when they grow up.

I’m not even talking about OP specifically but this is something I’ve seen multiple times. Babies til about 10 is easy mode in parenthood.

Totally agree. People having babies cos they LOVE babies. Reality check -they grow into very difficult and complicate teens and adults.

OP-that's not directed at you BTW just general reference to many people I've met through life

Oh come on @ThreeLocusts! Envy?? I highly doubt that....

It’s understandable though. Some days just walking past a baby gives me a pang of longing.

@the7Vabo there’s ways around that though: relatives, volunteering with children, and so on.

I love babies and often wonder what it would be like to experience motherhood in a different setting than I had (after DV as a teen) but realistically nothing on earth can possess me to ever risk becoming a single parent again. I just live vicariously through my very cute niece every now and then.

@Bumblebeestiltskin

It's not something I thought about when planning children no - that if I went over a certain number family sleepovers would be off the table 😂. I wouldn't expect my parents to take my 3 for a sleepover. They've never offered but I suspect that's because they know their limits (I have a set of twins in the mix and I know they find that dynamic hard!)

True, and I agree that many people want to have a baby rather than a person. I realised I wanted the baby not the person. But I was much older than the OP.

I don’t think it’s fair to be harsh on the OP about having 4. She was young and didn’t have a crystal ball.

When I had the two that I had in my late 30s I never thought to factor in how many I could manage if husband died/left. Never crossed my mind and I’ve never heard anyone say it IRL.

What on earth do you find enviable about the OP''s situation?

Jesus wept girl you do need to pull your socks up a bit, i understand it can be miserable but wallowing in it and allowing your children to see you wallow in it is not going to help you or them.

@ThreeLocusts

you're joking…. Right?

@ToKittyornottoKitty OP had 4 children by 29, highly unusual for most women in their 20s.

You also need to remind yourself that it doesn't always work out when a parent meets someone else, step parenting can be difficult and can bring additional challenges.
I was a single parent to one and struggled so can't imagine how it is with 4. However you need to start adapting a positive mindset as much as possible to help yourself and your mental wellbeing. Of course you are allowed down time and sadness but you need to give yourself a metaphorical shake to help yourself feel better.
I hope this doesn't come across as harsh and insensitive, it really isn't meant to be.
Take care OP 🙏

I wonder where on earth you live because in my group of mum friends even taking account of those on the periphery. It was a ration of 5:1 In favour of single mums

I think depression plays a huge role in where you are today. If your ex had a breakdown and had mental health issues, even 8 years ago, added to that giving birth, Covid, isolating and WFH even now I can’t see how your own mental health can’t have been affected.

I think apart from seeing your GP for depression I do think there are several different things you need to incorporate into your life to get to a place where you look forward to the future. 36 is so young.
I am a great believer in diet and exercise playing a huge role in how happy and healthy you are. If you WFH, don’t interact with others and I presume don’t take a little time out of your life to do any exercise. A 20minutes run or brisk walk in your lunch time to get out of the house and soak up a little Vitamin D will do wonders for you.
I do think that whilst WFH can be a positive in some areas of your life I do think we are sitting on a huge mental health time bomb for those people who wfh for weeks or months at a time and don’t interact with anyone

Something you said about your children (can’t remember the exact bit) and the impression I am getting from what you have written. Could you possibly think you or your dc could be ND

This all or nothing attitude towards getting a baby sitter or life in general

Why can’t you get a baby sitter for a few hours, why does it have to be overnight.
and the almost blanket response of answering why you can’t do something.
I know it could be the depression talking but it sounds quite similar to your dc.

Horses for courses but I find that utterly bonkers 😬 I never just wanted a 'baby' rather then the adult child, and why would you not consider getting your children through university if their father died? My mother did exactly this and I wouldn't have a degree had I not got run over and sued - I kid you not!

Maybe my dad dying when I was a teenager shaped me but I'd hope most adults would consider the worst case scenario and ensure their kids are provided for and have a remaining parent that can cope, and if that means a family of two children instead or four or five then so be it.

Good question, I wasn't clear. I mean purely the fact of four children, nothing else. Some of the critical posts to my ears have a subtext of 'how does she get to have four kids?' Guessing, of course.

Bless you! Thank you for your lovely comment. Glad it helped! 😊

Still

utterly utterly bizarre to think that posters are envious of the OP having 4 children

I didn't get that from posters at all. It was incredulity, not envy.

Sounds like a very hard life. I can see why you feel like that.
You've said your kids would go into care if anything happened to you so prioritise your health. Get yourself checked for all the usual things, B12 deficiency, low iron, do you need treatment for depression, and so on.
Can you get a more sociable job where you're face to face with other adults instead of WFH?
Can you get the kids into a sociable hobby? Cricket is good for chatting, and it's not freezing cold in the mud like football.
It's not a replacement for a relationship, but you'd have more social contact.
Will your ex's health perhaps improve with time, could he get a job eventually, do a bit of parenting? Would you/ could you encourage him to seek help, not your responsibility I know.
Do your friends know how desperate you are, can they help a bit?
Can you reach out and find others in a similar situation?
None of that is going to fix your life, obviously, but it might make it a bit more bearable.

To clarify, when I longed for a third I knew what I longed for was a baby I didn’t want another person really. I think the longing for a baby is a pull from nature so I get where the OP is coming from. I used to look at parents in restaurants with a teenagers sulking and I knew I didn’t want more than two teenagers!

I don’t know but when I was thinking about how many children to have I never thought about being on my own. Different life experience maybe.

Unless you don't date. And get a fwb instead.

Cinno · Yesterday 15:22
Exactly. I am aware there aren't many men that would be queuing up to date a single mum to 4 that never gets a night to herself it's other posters that seem to think this is completely easy and possible. I know most men would run a mile and I wouldn't blame them

You will be surprised. Family member 4 children had no shortage of men friends. Had a friends teen daughter babysit every Saturday night
She did get very close to marrying a guy who was primary parent for his 6 children, but even pooling everything they couldn’t afford to buy a house large enough to house them all

The single parents with 4+ children I know have both remarried (one is on her 4th marriage and now has 6 children

Don’t ever dismiss the fact that men won’t be interested because you have 4 dc

i know you posted this a long time ago but thank you so much for this message it really helped me rethink and lifted me slightly out of a depressive

Depressive episode so thank you x**

Sorry, realised this is an old thread.