Sad about how life has turned out

[Cinno]

Can't help but feel sad about how life has turned out as a single mum. I know I'm suppose to pretend to love it but I can't, I hate it and I'm so lonely and miserable it's not early days so no it won't "get better" I hate it the more time goes on. How do you get over the fact life hasn't turned out how you'd hoped?

You’re in your late thirties now
I think you’re imagining going out on the town and drinking and clubbing
Is this actually appealing to you?

My friends still go on night out in their 30s didn't realise that was considered unusual I'm not sure I would want to do that now as I'm too tired but I was answering what I use to do when she had them which was around 8 years ago now so I was late 20s then.

Perhaps but she was the one that told me to move here so she could have them more and I made it very clear I do not believe she should have to have them if you read my previous post I don't think she should have them if she doesn't want to!

A group of women in their late thirties regularly going out clubbing and drinking? I mean yes op, but very regularly? No, not even close

Not one single one of these “friends” have ever and will never ever babysit? Not even just for a couple of hours?

What’s your health? Weight? Fitness? Like?

I agree too, the majority of MN users are trying to be really helpful, but OP us having none if it. She’s determined to be miserable and wallow in self pity and this will alienate people from her. For a while friends and family are sympathetic and supportive, maybe that’s why her DM said come and live near me, but the reality of all the moaning and misery could have put a dark cloud over relationships. Empathy fatigue sets in, they will feel dragged down by her.
You can’t help someone who refuses to be helped.

OP tough love.

You made the choice to have 4 kids because you liked little kids. You can’t have 4 kids and expect to be in a position to go clubbing regularly.

Thats the choice you made.

I think @Thoughtfullythorough wants childcare so she can date.

I didn't say clubbing, they use to again we are talking when I was late 20s I was asked what I use to do! I know they mostly go to bars now not sure why that's even relevant how do you spend your weekends? 🙄

Hear hear. The poor kids.

They have in emergencies like when my son needed to go A&e

Get the younger two into scouting. The older ones can stay at home alone and so you will have opportunities to go out and talk to people. A class or interest group, or maybe some event work that will help you meet people.

It is rubbish seeing everyone around you get breaks when you don't. I presume you can't afford to drop some hours at work for free time during the day? Volunteering somewhere might help you feel good about yourself again.

OP what is it you want from this thread? What do you need from this? Because people genuinley want to help you here.

Tbh OP my weekend was so dull I won’t bore you.

Someone asked what you did today. You said you didn't go out because they didn't want to. But that's what you didn't do. What have you actually done today?

If it was me I would have shoved them on tablets for an hour and done something for my mental health- YouTube workout, read a book, meditation, baking. Whatever it is that makes you happy. You carve out little bits of time. 7 year olds don't need 1-1attention all the time.

I would also suggest signing the younger two up for a club (beavers/brownies is quite cheap) that would give you a couple of hours one evening a week to go out, see friends, join a gym, go to a book club whatever. 12/13 can stay at him alone for a few hours.

There is lots of good advice from Baguettesandcheeseforever

And others.

I think there are three things here of note.

No 1 it is hard to be lonely, I am so sorry you feel that way. I have felt that way in the past and I understand a little how that feels. You are allowed to feel whatever you feel.

No 2 sometimes there is medication/counselling that can help. When I was dealing with a suicidal teenage child (now, thankfully no longer suicidal) I felt very unhappy and my GP prescribed Sertraline. The Sertraline helped. I got help for my son and he got help himself. The Sertraline didn't necessarily change the situation but it definitely took the edge off. My son and I also had some counselling that, again, did not necessarily change things, but helped me and my son cope.

No 3 We all have to make the best of the situations we are in. Having children did not come easily to me. I needed fertility treatment for our first child and we adopted our second. I did desperately want children and we spent a lot of time trying to 'get a family'.

You can take all the bits of advice that you think might be helpful and if, and when, you feel ready you can implement them, or not as you please.

Best wishes.

You mention that being a single mum happened to you, without your choosing, that is the case for many of us. I definitely had moments where I wished me and my ex worked out. But he was horrible. I did grieve my life before things went horrible.

My dad left my mum when I was young and I remember her praying each night that he would come back. She got stuck in a place for years, and it was hard to watch. She is now in her 50s, remarried and actually parties more than me! Always out with friends. Even though my mum was stuck emotionally for a few years she trie very hard to make us happy - and she always appreciated us - but she had to work extra.

I think you need to focus on the children. Do things with them. You do need time to heal.

I know what it’s like to be stuck with the kids. It sucks. But to change your life you have to do something everyday. Could you work towards meeting people - going to clubs with the kids - museums etc? Family events. Mums at the school run? As a single parent having other parent friends has been life saving - and if you find a few that you trust you can exchange babysitting and have some nights to yourself.

A lot of this is mindset and those of us that are single parents claiming to “love it” also have moments where it’s hard and it’s dark - it’s just we are counting our blessings.

Also you have a lifetime to date. You’ve got your 40s, 50s - and beyond. It sounds like you have the perception that mid 30s is “old”.

OP are you looking to vent or actually came for advise? You have to reframe your thinking, however cheesy it may sound. It sucks to dwell and soak in one's (perceived) misery.

https://www.silvercloudhealth.com/

It’s understandable you feel like this. You sound worn down and like your life is all about looking after others and working and there is no one looking out or looking after you and that is shit.

Your children will fly the nest one day. So I have an idea:

1. Think about your life when the kids move out. How do you want it to look? Financially? Hobbies? Friends? Relationship? Health? Values? Whatever is most important.
2. Pick the most important bit to you. What will you need to get you there? Track back the steps. So if it’s friends then you’ll need time to spend with them to nurture those friendships. You’ll need opportunities to meet new friends. Etc.
3. Now think of one small thing you can do this week to move you towards that goal. So with the above example it might be to find a group to join or start a hobby. What might that look like?
4. Now turn the very first step into a SMART goal. So specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and timed. So with the example above it might be to make a list of possible hobbies you might enjoy tonight after tea.

Then tomorrow or next week figure out the next SMART goal. So it might be to pick the one off the list that’s most possible or might be most enjoyable after tea on Wednesday. Then the next day or week it might be to google that hobby to find out local groups after tea on Wednesday. Then the next step might be to phone or email the group to find out more. Try not to get hooked into possible barriers until they come up, then do the same process with each barrier.

There is a link to some really good support for mental and emotional wellbeing above.

Good luck.

Op you sound very depressed. It's not a surprise, being left to parent 4 kids alone must be a huge challenge. Have you actually explored the idea that you are depressed? I don't think people are always able to recognise it in themselves. Your responses and mindset is very closed down, everything has happened to you, nothing can be fixed...basically a total pity party. This sounds very much like depression talking to me. I get that life is hard and you are lonely but it's only going to get worse if you don't start addressing things and starting to live your life again. Your best years are not over at all, people change their lives, meet lovers, overcome hurdles and find happiness again at all ages. Go to your gp.

Here's the plan.

When they're at school tomorrow, call and make a GP appointment. Call the local health visiting team and chat to them. Reach out to Gingerbread, a charity focused on single mums. Do all three, spend 10 minutes on each max.

You have depression. You need help with this. It's affecting your children the longer you go without help. Having a partner wouldn't solve everything and as you said, it's unrealistic for now anyway. First you need to help yourself .

Longet term plans can include... Sign little 2 (or all 4) up for scouts or something similar as others have said. Don't try to make plans to go out those evenings yet, you need some time to just reset yourself. Write a list and cross one thing off a week (eg get house sorted, find a lunchtime yoga class, whatever).

But for now, make those 3 calls tomorrow. It's just 3 things. Do them all tomorrow. Start your journey to being happier.

Despite my feelings around the OP's situation and her attitude, I think this is a deliberately disingenuous response.

Would sitting down with your friends or your mother and tell them how badly you’re struggling help?

It’s not out of order to want to go out every now and then. I think often is unrealistic, but even once every other month would be good for a few hours.

You sound very passive OP, which I understand can be a feature of exhaustion and depression. You talk as if things "happened to you", that it was not your choosing and you were helpless to do anything. This very passive attitude has continued and you now seem determined to be miserable. The point is if you accept that you have agency in your life, then you can accept that in future you can have at least some influence on how things turn out, that you are responsible at least for making the very best of it.
I was a single mother for 7 years with no support financial or otherwise until I met my DH. I know that life improved a lot when we met and it was relentless until then, working full time and being responsible for everything. But just because you've been alone for 8 years does really not mean you always will be. Being negative though does make it far less likely to happen.

So you have literally nobody in your life? I'm not saying you're lying or that everyone does, but honestly reading your replies it's like pulling teeth.