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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sad about how life has turned out

450 replies

Cinno · 22/02/2025 23:50

Can't help but feel sad about how life has turned out as a single mum. I know I'm suppose to pretend to love it but I can't, I hate it and I'm so lonely and miserable it's not early days so no it won't "get better" I hate it the more time goes on. How do you get over the fact life hasn't turned out how you'd hoped?

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 23/02/2025 16:12

Cinno · 23/02/2025 16:07

My ex has a mental illness as mentioned multiple times, I did not choose for that! Ive been single 8 years and being judged for now wanting a partner? How many of you have spent 8 years celibate bet none of you have! I'm 36! I would think it's "normal" to want a partner, fancy judging me for wanting a partner after 8 years on my own ive hardly been jumping from man to man!

Fucksake, OP. I did.

But you're willfully and consistently ignoring absolutely everything I and others who have found positive ways of overcoming this situation are saying because you're so mired in your own self pity.

Your youngest (nearly 8) will he 18 in just over 10 years time. You'll be 46 - around the same age I was when I could live a full life because my youngest was around 15 by then. Yours will be 15 in just over 8 years time. So you'll be 44.

If you think that's old and your life will be over then you haven't got a fucking clue! No one's life is full of excitement and 'time.for me'when there raising children. That's the choice you make when you have them.

I get it, you're feeling sorry for yourself. Yes. Many of us have been there and many more will find themselves there but you are not doing yourself or your children any favours. You're not.even willing to try.

SometimesItsBrave2Run · 23/02/2025 16:12

Could you work compressed hours, giving yourself a day off during the week while the kids are at school?

I'm a single mum and that's what I do, I have no interest in dating but those hours to myself each week are absolutely priceless.

Or if not, use annual leave to book a day off to yourself when you really need it. I know you probably feel like you need to keep them for school holidays but honestly you need to do something to prioritise yourself before you implode.

Redpeach · 23/02/2025 16:15

What will a man bring in to the mix really? The grass is always greener etc

Original poster
Cinno · 23/02/2025 16:15

Yes I'm sure there are Loads of single mums who've been celibate for a decade since their late 20s I very much doubt that and I certainly don't know any so not sure why I'm being made out as some man hungry woman, I would like a parent and someone to share life with that's very much a normal thing for pretty much most adults unless you are asexual and have no desire for relationships, I didn't choose to be alone.

OP posts:
Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 23/02/2025 16:16

@Cinno OP we are the same age and like I said I was single for 10 years, so spare me the pity party.

Install Bumble and Hinge, be upfront about your case and go on dates every now and then. Your older kids can definitely cope
with the two younger ones for a couple hours. I don’t understand why you’re making this into a bigger problem than it needs to be.

Original poster
Cinno · 23/02/2025 16:16

Redpeach · 23/02/2025 16:15

What will a man bring in to the mix really? The grass is always greener etc

Nothing which is why I haven't attempted to find one this is sadness about how life has ended up, of course if I had days to myself like most single mums I wouldn't have chosen to remain alone that's a nice choice if you want it but I wouldn't have. This is about being trapped and no choice

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 23/02/2025 16:17

You and your children all sound like you’re stuck in a rut and getting out of the house and doing more would do you all the world of good.

Search Facebook for local “entertaining the kids” pages which usually have lots of free or low budget events advertised.

Even if your kids moan and groan about going out, make them! Pack up your sandwiches etc and get to a park, pack a football, tell them to bring their books and just be outside for a few hours.

Go on walks together or if they won’t join, go alone. Your children are of ages that would permit them to be home alone for a small period of time.

Start making events at home to do all together. Family movie night with popcorn, special breakfasts on the weekend with pancakes where everybody helps make them, lay the table and chat about what you could do with the day. Colouring books for the kids and adults are a great way to sit around together with some relaxing music on casual chat.

Check out your local charity shops or Facebook market place for board games you can play together.

It sounds like you all need a little more light and laughter in your lives.

Original poster
Cinno · 23/02/2025 16:17

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 23/02/2025 16:16

@Cinno OP we are the same age and like I said I was single for 10 years, so spare me the pity party.

Install Bumble and Hinge, be upfront about your case and go on dates every now and then. Your older kids can definitely cope
with the two younger ones for a couple hours. I don’t understand why you’re making this into a bigger problem than it needs to be.

You would leave a 13 year old to babysit 3 younger siblings?

OP posts:
Nellsbell · 23/02/2025 16:17

It can be hard op I hear you. But only you can change it. Whether you can retrain, join park run with the kids, go out for coffee with a friend occasionally, look at hobbies or groups that can involve the kids. Maybe you just need to make some time for you. Can you leave the eldest in charge for a little while? They won’t be young forever.

Thoughtfullythorough · 23/02/2025 16:17

Op I imagine you are very very bored. I know you say you wfh but would I be right in thinking maybe self-employed and craft/ebay/etsy kind of wfh?

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 23/02/2025 16:19

@Cinno for a couple hours? Yes.

The 13 and the 12 year old can keep an eye on the younger two, definitely. Leave them snacks and something to binge on and have your phone with you at all times. Don’t go somewhere too far and that should do it.

Original poster
Cinno · 23/02/2025 16:20

Frankly, I'm wondering why you had so many children with him in such short order. His mental issues can't just have appeared from nowhere. Four children is a lot.

I knew he had depression and I was supporting him with that it's when he started accusing me of things and saying I am not a real person that things went the way they did people can develop a mental illness at any time

OP posts:
the7Vabo · 23/02/2025 16:20

Cinno · 23/02/2025 16:15

Yes I'm sure there are Loads of single mums who've been celibate for a decade since their late 20s I very much doubt that and I certainly don't know any so not sure why I'm being made out as some man hungry woman, I would like a parent and someone to share life with that's very much a normal thing for pretty much most adults unless you are asexual and have no desire for relationships, I didn't choose to be alone.

No you didn’t choose it OP. Life is tough like that.

What you did choose is to have kids and parenting them right now comes first. Thats the reality of being a parent.

Iloveyoubut · 23/02/2025 16:21

OP I don’t think you actually realise what so many of us on here have been through or are going through. Every single suggestion that anyone makes… you shoot down. Every bit of an attempt anyone makes to try and help- you don’t want to know. What is it you want? What? You’re not sad, you’re angry and resentful and that’s understandable! But have you any idea how shit it is for so so many of us? It’s shit, it’s a nightmare, so many of us have been trapped or knocked down over and over and over again and some of us have literally no clue how to get up one more time and yet are on here trying to pull you up and I’m sorry but you’ve no interest in getting up. Is it shit? Yes. Can it get better? Yes. Is it the worst it could ever be for you? Not by a country fucking mile. There are people on here who have been through it too and you don’t give a shit! Pull it the fuck together and even try and take some help or honest to god what is it you want? You want yo get up and try? You want to see if it can get better or do you just want to shoot all these people down, many, believe me, who are seriously struggling themselves and still trying to help you?

Original poster
Cinno · 23/02/2025 16:22

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 23/02/2025 16:19

@Cinno for a couple hours? Yes.

The 13 and the 12 year old can keep an eye on the younger two, definitely. Leave them snacks and something to binge on and have your phone with you at all times. Don’t go somewhere too far and that should do it.

that depends on the kid. My son is definitely not mature enough to babysit 3 younger siblings nor would I put that on him as I know he wouldn't cope my 10 and 7 year old argue a lot.

OP posts:
the7Vabo · 23/02/2025 16:22

Why did you want 4 kids OP?

SonK · 23/02/2025 16:23

the7Vabo · 23/02/2025 16:08

What’s the point in writing this at this stage? She had 4 kids, they now exist what’s done is done. She can’t murder a couple to make her life easier.

I will say and this is meant as general observation and about myself, not the OP I think children should come with a warning like
puppies ie. Puppies aren’t just for Christmas, Children aren’t just for baby and toddlerhood when they are tiny & cute.

I still get an ache sometimes when I see tiny kids. But I’m bloody glad I didn’t have any more because it’s bloody hard.

Show quote history

The point in mentioning it is that the OP chose to have 4 children with her ex.

Which is all okay now - what's done is done BUT the OP needs to control the reins of this situation and make the best of it because she is the adult

This whole situation she is in due to a bad ex, 4 children could have been avoided.

I am sure there were warning signs from her ex as it is highly unlikely that he was always Mr Perfect and all of a sudden ditched his family to this extent due to sudden mental health.

Sorry OP, this is going to sound really harsh, but you need to try everything and stop the self pity.

Of course, speak to your GP and get further help where it may be required x

HereComesEverybody · 23/02/2025 16:23

I don't think you're ready to take on board any of the suggestions at all & sadly you're stuck in your rut.

It's profoundly sad for your 4 dc who didn't choose to be born into such circumstances. You have the power to change things but won't.

If you think life is over as 36 that's absolutely awful. I had my first dc at 36! I'm on my 50s now & i can tell you I'm VERY much alive & making the very most of every opportunity that comes my way & life is all the richer for it.

Try a yes experiment. Instead of looking for problems all the time, say yes to everything for a few weeks & see what happens...

It's in your hands op to make the changes & to make more of your life & your dcs lives

Arcticrival · 23/02/2025 16:24

put the younger 2 in after school clubs, the 2 teens can look after themselves. have an afternoon to yourself. I'm not sure what the issue is here. If you want to make time for yourself you would. you just want to wallow in self pity and hope for a man to come and rescue you.

you need to focus on your kids imo, not a a man

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 23/02/2025 16:25

@Cinno why does it need to be all on the older child? Can’t the two older ones share the responsibility?

Pay them for the babysitting - money is a massive incentive for kids, they’ll want to do a good job.

YourWildAmberSloth · 23/02/2025 16:25

Your life isn't over, and in 5 years when your youngest is a teenager, you will still be young enough to have your life 'turn out' as you want it.

Italiangreyhound · 23/02/2025 16:25

Wonderi

Thank you for sharing your inspiring story.

Well done on turning things around.

LionME · 23/02/2025 16:26

Arcticrival · 23/02/2025 16:24

put the younger 2 in after school clubs, the 2 teens can look after themselves. have an afternoon to yourself. I'm not sure what the issue is here. If you want to make time for yourself you would. you just want to wallow in self pity and hope for a man to come and rescue you.

you need to focus on your kids imo, not a a man

Let me think….
Money?
Doing something alone isn’t going to break loneliness?
Amongst either obvious or answers already given be the OP…

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 23/02/2025 16:27

the7Vabo · 23/02/2025 16:22

Why did you want 4 kids OP?

There is no point in wallowing now that they exist but keeping on having children with someone struggling with their mental health is crazy work. Kids add to stress, not lessen it.

ExercicenformedeZ · 23/02/2025 16:27

SonK · 23/02/2025 16:23

The point in mentioning it is that the OP chose to have 4 children with her ex.

Which is all okay now - what's done is done BUT the OP needs to control the reins of this situation and make the best of it because she is the adult

This whole situation she is in due to a bad ex, 4 children could have been avoided.

I am sure there were warning signs from her ex as it is highly unlikely that he was always Mr Perfect and all of a sudden ditched his family to this extent due to sudden mental health.

Sorry OP, this is going to sound really harsh, but you need to try everything and stop the self pity.

Of course, speak to your GP and get further help where it may be required x

Show quote history

Exactly. I don't want to sound harsh, but it is frustrating how very little responsibility OP is taking. Honestly, four children is a lot even in ideal circumstances, let alone with a depressed partner. Particularly given the kids are all quite close in age. I just don't really understand anything about the OP's situation, given that she says she has no family support as well as having been abandoned by her partner. I'm just wondering how on earth she managed when the youngest was a baby. There must have been some support or she would have been unable to manage. Something isn't adding up. I'm not trollhunting, by the way. I don't think that OP is lying to us, but I think that she is lying to herself by awfulising.