Sad about how life has turned out

[Cinno]

Can't help but feel sad about how life has turned out as a single mum. I know I'm suppose to pretend to love it but I can't, I hate it and I'm so lonely and miserable it's not early days so no it won't "get better" I hate it the more time goes on. How do you get over the fact life hasn't turned out how you'd hoped?

Different life situation but like you OP, absolutely sick of platitudes that people love to spout.

Like the poster above ‘Only you can change your life into the one you want’. Are people really this naive? Some people have lives that don’t allow them to make change. Some lives do have that level of constraint.

In your situation OP. I guess you have the option to look forward to when you kids are old enough to be left on their own and you can start to rebuild your life.

Yes. I generally find life to be total rubbish (hence my username). It's better without alcohol though. Three weeks sober today for me.

Any change not of your choosing : ending relationship, relocating, changing jobs etc, anything where it wasn’t your choice have been scienceally proven to be significantly harder to cope with than the same change of you’ve chosen it. So the fact you didn’t want your relationship to end is highly significant to how you feel.

Sounds as though you need to grieve what you have lost. Acceptance will make life easier and more enjoyable and you sound as though you may still be caught up in anger, sadness and all the emotions that come with grief. Have a look at the waterfall diagram of grief. You will not be back where you were before, that is true, but you can find a new satisfying path.

My children’s dad left when the youngest was two and the eldest was 12. I’ve been a single parent for 14 years this year.

It is bloody hard work, especially if the runaway parent gives no financial or other support like my children’s dad.

You have to do everything. Keep a roof over everyone’s head, all the work, all the running about. There is no one to discuss tricky decisions with. Nobody to do the late night of a teen while you have a primary child in bed. It is mentally and physically draining.

My youngest is 16 this year and I am coming out the other side. I have lovely grown up children who see their dad for what he has been to them but more importantly see what I have done for them. They help me out now. The eldest is 27 this year.

It isn’t easy and you have every right to be finding it hard and to feel angry life isn’t what you expected when you first had your babies.

I still wish I had someone to talk to about day to day stuff but I lost my mum a couple of years ago and it has really highlighted the loneliness of being a single parent as she was my go to.

OP, I completely get it - single parenting is gruelling and relentless. Those who haven’t done it can offer sympathies or well meaning (sometimes completely ignorant) advice but don’t get it. I too felt lonely yesterday and then you feel like you’re letting your DCs down as 2.4 families tend to socialise together (for me anyway!). Much you can’t control but I am going to try to build more of a single parent network as think that’s s good potential tribe for me.

How old are your kids? Do they see their dad for you to get a break?

I understand your position , as I was in the same boat. Everytime I met someone and the relationship ended I would have smug married friends sniggering at me, and I was just so lonely. I ended up getting rid of the friends and I met my lovely dh. Things will change OP - hang in there. When you least expect it, things will change and in the meantime, anyone who is negative in your life - block and move on !!

Im sorry op. It sounds exhausting and lonely. I really hope it gets better soon for you

Don’t listen to anyone putting the boot in, OP. Or Pollyanna fridge mottoes.

You’ve been betrayed and left to struggle. Don’t underestimate how tough that is.

Mourn.

But…your best years certainly are ahead of you, if most people’s experience is anything to go by. Single parenting gets easier as the years grind by, and you’ll meet someone new at some point if you want to. New and better.

For the time being, see what you can do about getting assistance from family and friends.

Make room in your life for doing something you enjoy, regularly, after the DC are in bed. Do it.

You need crochet in your life. That's what's missing. It makes life better.

It is ok to feel what you do. You have to feel the emotions in order to process them and I agree it sounds like grief and anger. I’m assuming you don’t want or can’t afford any kind of therapy?

I got through a very dark time by doing yoga (I know, I know). Is there anything you enjoy doing? Any way of bringing more joy in? Avoiding becoming bitter is important because that would taint everything including your relationships with your kids.

I think a lot depends on how you got to be a single mum. For me it was better than the alternative, but for others who thought they were in a good relationship and had the rug pulled out from under them when hubby runs off with the OW, I appreciate that can stir up a feeling of lack of agency that then might make it hard to see what you do have agency over.

I think sometimes dealing with everything atbonce can be overwhelming so don't try to change everything all at once, think about what is the main thing causing you to feel down.

If you could change one thing, what would it be?

Write a list of everything that you wish you could change, then number them in the order that you want to change them.

Focus on what is in your control to change. Do you like your current job or can you look for another? Can you retrain? Can you spend more time with friends (if you don't have anyone to babysit, can people come over to your house once the kids are down?) Do you get any time to do stuff for yourself? Gym or hobbies? Is it possible to put the kids in breakfast/after school club so that you can go to the gym or go for a run? Is their dad on the scene? Can he have the kids overnight more often so you can go away with friends or start dating? Can you outsource any if the household tasks (get a cleaner/get the kids to do chores? Get a gardener? Get meal box kit deliveries?) Can you plan things to look forward to (nights out, weekends away, a holiday)?

I think having been a single parent, it’s really important that people don’t assume the dad is around , my ex barely saw dd1 and stopped seeing her altogether when she was 5 .

However shit it is, it's better that the actual alternative of having a man who doesn't want to be there, and that's the reality of the choice, had it been yours to make. In your case, it's not a choice between sad and alone and loved up playing happy families.

Fwiw, I made a big decision 20 years ago that changed the course of my life and immediately regretted it (think moving abroad) but it was only as time went on and life filled in around the sadness that I can now look.back and say, yes, I'll always wonder about the other path, but I'm happy with my actual life and don't need to torment myself about it.

So my advice is to tell you that you don't know where this path is going but you have complete control in choosing to only let good things in, deal with the bad, and hope that in 10 years you're in a better place with a happy confident child, who will spoil you every mothers day because they know you gave them a safe and loving home, and you did that.

Make a plan arund the stuff you can control, like promotion or retraining, even if it can't be now and think of the.payoff...happier life, holidays etc. A man should be able to slot into your life like a cherry on top, not be the whole cake. This is just a hard part of life.

@Supersimkin7 post makes a lot of sense to me. Can you make a list of things you can and can’t control about your circumstances. You need to grieve the loss of the life you thought you were going to have but at some stage - and maybe you’re not ready for it now - all people in grief do have a bit more bandwidth to move on / change things / find slithers of happiness or contentment. Maybe it’s not now and maybe it seems unthinkable but I believe for you it will come.

I can see the mentality of people who offer platitudes now. It’s the mentality of people on this thread who are assuming OP has a plethora of friends and family and time to go out and have hobbies and dates and friends.

OP may well have this, but I would never assume that someone writing a post about intense loneliness has a wealth of social connections, resources and support like some on this thread are.

Still it is useful for understanding the mentality of the platitudes tribe. They simply cannot comprehend a life where someone does not have a wealth of resources and support.

I hear you op. The people on here telling you it's upto you to change your life,reframe your situation etc. have no doubt never been in your situation.

I'm a lone parent. I love my DC more than anything but yes I am lonely, exhausted and dare I say it? Bitter. I can't see my life improving either. I make the best of it but lone parenting does massively limit your life. I literally fantasise about what it would be like to leave my house after 7pm.

@Notlikingthisforever the people on here are staggeringly tone deaf. People have no empathy.

It will get 'better' because one day the kids will have flown the nest

How old are your DC OP?
Mine were 4 and 5 when ex DH left me for OW - it’s relentless
They are now adults and I’m 60 and very happy - I don’t live with DP out of choice as I have grown to love being alone
There are still downsides though I will never have as much money and sometimes get fed up of having to do and be everything
You will get through this - hope things start to improve for you

My child died.

I'm not saying I this to diminish how you feel, but to say I know what it is like to have life not turn out the way you thought.

I'm grieving, I'm depressed, I'm skint, I'm old and often feel it's all too late and this is it forever.

But here's the thing. No one is coming to rescue you and no one can make you feel different apart from you.

You have a choice.

That doesn't mean it's an easy one, and not going to change overnight if you wash your hair and get a hobby.

You can grieve the way your life has turned out and still choose to feel differently about it.

But that's up to you.

@Redpeach That's not the comfort you think it is.

My kids will also fly the next one day. Then I will be alone because raising them has left me no time to make my own relationship. I dread my DC growing up because they are all I have!

This is a good point.

Hugs to you OP. Posters have tried to help with advice. If you want to wallow and moan, you're allowed to do that. If you want advice on how to make changes, you can do that too.

It is possible to meet a new partner that transforms your life for the better. My BF was left by her narc DH to raise her high needs SN DS. 5yrs later she married a great guy who is a better father to her DS than his own. My DM found true love in her 60s and is happier than ever with her new DH.

I know being a single parent is really difficult and grieving the loss of your relationship is needed. Dating again will be hard but necessary if you do want a new partner.

So how old are you and the kids OP?