Sad about how life has turned out

[Cinno]

Can't help but feel sad about how life has turned out as a single mum. I know I'm suppose to pretend to love it but I can't, I hate it and I'm so lonely and miserable it's not early days so no it won't "get better" I hate it the more time goes on. How do you get over the fact life hasn't turned out how you'd hoped?

Thats not what I meant.

Im curious as to why the OP had them? What her expectation was of what being a mother of 4 would be like?

I am sure there were warning signs from her ex as it is highly unlikely that he was always Mr Perfect and all of a sudden ditched his family to this extent due to sudden mental health.

Of course there had to be some signs.
I mean no man ever suddenly leave the family wo a backward glance. None ever have an affair and decide that the OW is all that matters.
Nope there are always signs if that so that you know you shouldn’t have dcs with him. Or that you’ll end up alone looking after them.

Wondering why the Relationship threads exist really…..

Ok…

It’s really shit OP and you’re stuck like this forever and you’re never going to find anyone and you are the victim of your circumstances and totally powerless. You have no choices. You are the only person to ever experience this. Nobody has had it harder. A man is what you need but you won’t ever find one. You have lost the best part of your life and when the kids are old enough you’ll be too old and stuck in this miserable existence forever…

There. Is that what you want to hear? because everything else has been said - empathy, support, suggestions, and you’re having none of it. I have never known a person to be so blindly stuck in their own self pity.

OP has said many times she has NO time to herself as she has the children ATT and no one to help her. Just pointing out she doesn't have them ATT as they are at school. They are not babies or pre schoolers.

She needs to start doing stuff herself or in groups rather than obsessing about getting a partner IMO.

You are maybe burnt out and depressed. Being a single Mum is challenging but it doesn’t have to be this sad.
You need something in your life to aim and hope for even if it’s small. You need support and counselling and a good GP. You need to find the thing that is really blocking your happiness and focus on fixing that or letting it go or working around it. I am sending you huge hugs OP, this parenting thing can be hard and you need a hand hold & a boost. Everyone needs a boost now and then. You need support services & loving people :)

I’m sorry I really do sympathise, but at the same time the golden rule is never to have more children than you feel you could comfortably raise solo just in case.

I also can’t understand why you had four kids with someone with a mental disorder- I appreciate it’s got worse, and led to where you are now- but that’s always the risk!

I do feel sorry for you though, it can’t be easy

@Cinno I mean this very kindly …. Why did you have 4 children with a man with mental illness ?! As stated earlier in the thread all women should prepare to be a single mum and never rely on a man. Also, to consider how many children you have as if a man walks out or dies you will be on your own.

I have very limited family support , my dad has severe mental health issues. For this reason, I wouldn’t have more than two children and I certainly wouldn’t have a child with a man who is mentally unwell, doesn’t drive, low earner , no
ambition etc

I feel for you Op because you sound very very down

but I feel for your children a heck of a lot more

Well I don't want to go into my life story but yes things have changed massively, I had family support, in fact I moved here because they promised all sorts of help and none of it has happened. What can I do about that? My mum has to help me all the time she use to have my children for me often but that changed and now she won't. That's her choice though isn't it? If I expected it I would be told I was wrong, she told me to move closer so she could help me but now she doesn't.

I’m a still curious, think back why did you want 4 kids? What was the motivation? Can you draw from that source of motivation now?

As explained I loved the baby and toddler stage, that's why I had 4 I enjoyed it when they were young. Now I don't enjoy it, I find it harder work now that may be an unpopular opinion but it's much more difficult now.

So when she had them “often” how did you make the most of the time?

This is frustrating to read. You’re down with limited options and people aren’t understanding.

OP you need support and babysitting and to reach out to a service maybe or find another single Mum to swap with you.

i support you not wanting to leave a 12/13 year old in charge. Don’t do that, you obviously feel it’s not safe and you know your kids better than anyone.

OP you ask us ‘how do you get over the fact that life hasn’t turned out as you hoped’? That is your question .
I see that MN users are trying to help you, they are empathetic, suggestive, and as helpful as possible, but you appear determined not to be helped and to remain in your misery stating ‘The best years are certainly over’.
How can we help you when you clearly don’t want to be helped?
I have a suggestion, watch ‘The Secret’ by ‘Rhonda Byrne’ it’s life changing, if you want it to be, or you can choose to continue to believe that the best years are over and enjoy wallowing in self pity. It is a choice, it is YOUR choice.

I won't tell you that. I actually think it's kind of shit of her not to help you if she can help (ie, it isn't because of ill health or anything, she just doesn't feel like it) I don't mean do full time childcare, but not to do anything even to give you a bit of a break seems harsh. Has she given a reason for that?

That was when me and my ex were together that she would have them so we would have child free time, or I would go out with friends.

You need a job which gets you out of the house and interacting with people.

Didn't she help you at all when you were pregnant, when your ex had left you high and dry? I'm not understanding her mindset here. Did she partially blame you for the split?

What age are you OP, loads of people have asked this? Do you not want to say?

I don’t think an unpopular opinion tbh.

I do think that people can get drunk on the cute of the baby and toddler years, without thinking it through.

You’re in your late thirties now
I think you’re imagining going out on the town and drinking and clubbing
Is this actually appealing to you?

Thank you no I don't think it would be safe my oldest wouldnt stop my 2 younger ones fighting he would ignore them and leave them to it. I had to take my 10 year old to an appointment and I had no one that could have the other 3 so I reluctantly left him to watch them and just before I left I heard my daughter crying upstairs and my oldest ignored her (he didn't know I hadn't left) so had to bring her with me so no I wouldn't leave him to watch her that would be irresponsible.

Why would the teens need to be dragged out if the house? It’s readable to leave them at home for a couple of hours.

My brother has children now.. she only has his children now, she makes up excuses but that's the reason.

Perhaps she was over used OP