To feel guilty for being successful?

[SailorSerena]

I was born in the 90's to a young single mother in a council flat. We were desperately poor and I remember her crying some nights in because she had nothing to eat, I often got pot noodles.

My mum worked incredibly hard to get her degree while I was a young child and got herself a good career, she bought us a lovely house and took me on nice holidays and paid for my dance classes when I was in secondary school. She was an inspiration. I always loved horses from being tiny but obviously we could never afford one.

I worked hard and got a degree in STEM, got a good career after years of working in horrible jobs with awful hours while being treated like absolute shit by bully managers because I knew the only way I would get a good career with a good employer was with this experience behind me so stuck it out. I bought my first house is my early twenties and now mid thirties have a husband, child, large beautiful country house, and 2 horses I adore.

I worked my fingers to the bone for this, suffered a few break downs along the way for this and wasn't born with a silver spoon, we had nothing. I EARNED it with blood, sweat and tears. So why do I feel guilty for having it?

Every night when we go to bed I look around my house and know how blessed I am, I am so grateful that I have a safe, warm home to raise my child in and the life I always dreamed of. I feel absolutely guilt ridden that I have this and others don't even though I earned it. There are children who grew up on the same council estate as me, some still live there with multiple children repeating the cycle, some are in jail. A minority got out like I did. I feel crushing guilt that I got out and others didn't when I look around at my life, even though I know I worked hard for it and earned it.

Does anybody else feel this way? I almost feel like I shouldn't have these things because other people don't have them, is this a normal way to feel after growing up in poverty? Do people who grew up middle class feel this way? Or is not a class thing and just a me thing?

This isn't a brag, it's my life history condensed as much as possible without too much detail and genuinely asking people if this guilt is normal or not.

Never feel guilty you said you have worked hard for it your mum did the same she was a good role model because others choose not to do this that’s on them be thankful that you have a nice life and you can always do something good for someone less fortunate it’s good to pass on to help others. I was brought up in poverty I’m not wealthy in any way but I know I am better off than others so I donate to charity, food banks and Christmas toy charities because without these in my childhood I would have suffered and missed on the joy of Christmas presents.

I could have written many parts of this! I've gone through so much shit in the working world starting from the ground up. I'm now well paid, recognised, and valued and I feel I don't deserve it at all!

The truth is we both do 💜 Those with poorer upbringings (mine similar to yours) also deserve a hell of a lot that they're not getting, but it's no reflection on you deserving what you've achieved now. It takes so much work to get to where you are; the workload may now feel easier but it's because they're paying for your experience and expertise rather than solely work product.

Waves 👋 from her lovely thatch cottage, having grown up, grafted, worked from the age of 13 full time, and still has imposter syndrome!

Well done OP it's a funny old place to live when you don't quite fit either world.

I think it's normal to feel conflicted feelings in your shoes. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Your feelings are rooted in the fact that you know and understand the struggles and realities of poverty much better than people from wealthier families. You've seen how hard it is to break out of the cycle and it may even be that you know how many families you could help feed etc. on your income. It's emotionally triggering because you know how desperate your mum was at one time and you know that there are people how there right now in the same boat. That's a hard feeling to shoulder.

Have you thought about giving a talk/mentoring children at a local school in your hometown at some point down the line? Or contributing in some other way? It might help you feel like you've given something back - not that you need to but it's just a thought.

As a young child you saw your mum struggle, you probably developed some early subconscious beliefs about money and life - that life is hard, that you don’t have enough, that others can have nice things but not your family. You having more does not mean others have less, try to let go of the guilt and shift your focus to gratitude any time those feelings creep in. You have always deserved a wonderful life.

Nice humble brag OP!

I don't know wither to say yabu or yanbu because you are unreasonable to be so conflicted by your hard earned success but yanbu because I understand you!

I was born 1990. Raised near Glasgow. Huge deprivation in the area i comr from and so many of the young men I grew up with had committed suicide by their late 20s most likely due to the rampant drug culture.
You had/have a mum who instilled strong work ethic values In you, you ran with the opportunities you were given, you listened in school, you went to uni, you grafted!
I'm the same, I worked hard in was determined and did the crap jobs and worked my way up and like you have a life people would admire and if you can get others to be inspired by your journey why can't they do it too?

Maybe if you felt you were giving something back would it help ease some of this? Like mentored a younger woman in the workforce or did career coaching in a school?

You had love. That is what makes the difference. If you didn’t have love you might’ve got caught up in other things to make you feel good about yourself.

Continue being grateful and humble. I met someone on the flip side of this. Had it all. Had a breakdown and he was made homeless. Count your blessings. We’re all the same at the end of the day. We just need to remember that. Give more to charity maybe.

Hopefully this helps your guilt... it was your mum that broke the cycle, not you.
You didn't work your fingers to the bone, you didn't earn it with blood, you just did what lots of other people do... its not that special so nothing to feel guilty about.

Sounds as if you need to get involved in some project to help young children in poverty, OP. There are many food bank projects you could support. Your experience was relatively short - over by secondary school - but has clearly marked you. Even though in the 90s your mum would have had an income from benefits that should have paid for food , which is harder for families now with the huge cost of living.

You absolutely don't need to feel guilty for what you have. Enjoy it. There is nothing to feel guilty for as you have done absolutely nothing wrong.

That said, and I really don't meant this meanly, you did earn what you have but lots of people have worked equally as hard as you (like your mum and millions more), many may even work harder, but they don't have what you have. You do not need to feel guilty at all. But instead of focussing on the fact you 'earnt' it (which can imply others don't have as much because they didn't work as hard at it, which I don't believe to be true), focus a bit more on how lucky you are.

Your work sounds like it's not in a very giving role? So maybe it will ease your guilt if you incorporate some more charitable work into your life, a bit of giving back? to communities like where you were born as a thanks to your mum for her hard work and inspiration and so you can help support the next generation?

A life of luxury which doesn't also involve giving back is not one I would enjoy. Plenty do though! So no need to feel guilty!

You saw your mum work hard to earn the money to be able to change your lifestyle. This instilled a work ethic in you. You’re a product of exactly what education is for, you’ve taken your education seriously and as a result are qualified and now earn good money. Do not feel guilty. Every child gets an education, it’s free. Unfortunately not all children have parents who value this or see it as a route out of the cycle their lives are in. Enjoy what you have, you’ve worked hard for it. I agree with another PP that you could look for a mentor scheme or like to support young people if you feel that you want to ‘give back’.

Thats a shame you feel guilty when all you should feel is pride. You aren't responsible for the whole world op.

I always feel guilty for being in a comfortable position when I see people with so little that work their fingers to the bone and through no fault of their own still struggle. It is because we care OP and that is a good thing as we will always go the extra mile for the under dog. I find just trying to give back as much as I can helps.

Thank you for all the replies from the posters who have clearly understood what I'm saying.

I have thought about mentoring young people a few times but don't know where to start. Has anyone done it and can point me in the right direction?

This is spot on! It does feel like imposter syndrome!

I don't feel like I belong here because everyone has nice accents and grew up with money, but I don't really belong back home anymore either.

It's a lonely place to be and I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I do t think anyone would understand that without the same experiences we had.

Erm... I don't if you can't read or just didn't understand.

I did earn it and work my fingers to the bone. My mum didn't buy me this house, or my car, or my driving lessons, or my horses. She didn't have any money to give me. I worked, saved and borrowed/paid back later to buy these things.

Why the fuck would I feel guilty about breaking the cycle? That's something to proud of not guilty about. And yes I know she broke the cycle not me, doesn't change the fact I had nothing as a child and built my adult life from the ground with no financial help or backing. No one has ever given me a penny because there weren't any to give me. No house deposit gift, no car for my 18 th birthday, no driving lesson package for Christmas. I feel guilty for having a comfortable life whilst others living in poverty.

The inequality makes me uncomfortable. But hey, if you can't see that, or understand what I've written because you're just too pissed off that I made something of myself, feel free to scroll on by! You don't need to be here if you have nothing useful to add.

I could have written parts of this. I also had a very strong single mother who was my inspiration. I’ve done pretty well for myself , worked very hard through my career making many choices to prioritise my career and scrimped and saved for the things I wanted like my home. I feel fortunate but try not to forget I made it happen. Although I’m sure I had some luck along the way. I sometimes wonder why me, I don’t think anybody would have predicted my success. I wasn’t particularly clever at school and I didn’t go to uni (went later once I’d picked my career), I just worked hard - long hours, travelling, always taking on more responsibility, etc. I sometimes worry it will all go away one day so I try to never take it for granted. I try to be modest but I’m mindful I earn quite a bit more than my friends. But then they have had their own successes like raising their children into adults which I’ve not done as never had a family just a divorce.

A sense of belonging is massively overrated.

You're a pioneer, op. Be proud of that. And proud of where you come from. And obviously what you've acheived.

If you still feel guilty, contribute in other ways to helping others break the poverty cycle. Become a mentor? Or donate to Magic breakfast.

Very interested in this thread as also feel guilty and helps to know others feel the same. One thing I try to internalise is to know the horrible truth that life is unfair.
Like we got lucky- we’re not special or amazing but we had some fortune - the world is horribly unfair place and my guilt is wanting it to be different and wishing things could be fairer and better for everyone is futile in the face of what is a universal truth. It’s sort of a fatalistic way to deal with it but it helps me (a bit.)

And yes, contribute time and money and support charities and communities, but face up to the truth that no amount of doing this will change the unfairness of life. Otherwise you compound your guilt - why can’t I do more and fix everything…

Nothing to feel guilty about . You worked for it and made some good choices. It didn't fall out of the sky into your lap and you didn't cheat anyone . Enjoy your lovely home and feel proud .

I feel guilty sometimes for having a nice home, having jobs that I have always loved and worked hard in etc. I think I have done a lot better than what the careers advisor at school told me, especially given I'm a single parent.
I do remind myself often that lots of people work hard, the NHS has lots of workers who work hard who most probably don't have the same earning potential as someone working in tech or the corporate sector.