To feel guilty for being successful?

[SailorSerena]

I was born in the 90's to a young single mother in a council flat. We were desperately poor and I remember her crying some nights in because she had nothing to eat, I often got pot noodles.

My mum worked incredibly hard to get her degree while I was a young child and got herself a good career, she bought us a lovely house and took me on nice holidays and paid for my dance classes when I was in secondary school. She was an inspiration. I always loved horses from being tiny but obviously we could never afford one.

I worked hard and got a degree in STEM, got a good career after years of working in horrible jobs with awful hours while being treated like absolute shit by bully managers because I knew the only way I would get a good career with a good employer was with this experience behind me so stuck it out. I bought my first house is my early twenties and now mid thirties have a husband, child, large beautiful country house, and 2 horses I adore.

I worked my fingers to the bone for this, suffered a few break downs along the way for this and wasn't born with a silver spoon, we had nothing. I EARNED it with blood, sweat and tears. So why do I feel guilty for having it?

Every night when we go to bed I look around my house and know how blessed I am, I am so grateful that I have a safe, warm home to raise my child in and the life I always dreamed of. I feel absolutely guilt ridden that I have this and others don't even though I earned it. There are children who grew up on the same council estate as me, some still live there with multiple children repeating the cycle, some are in jail. A minority got out like I did. I feel crushing guilt that I got out and others didn't when I look around at my life, even though I know I worked hard for it and earned it.

Does anybody else feel this way? I almost feel like I shouldn't have these things because other people don't have them, is this a normal way to feel after growing up in poverty? Do people who grew up middle class feel this way? Or is not a class thing and just a me thing?

This isn't a brag, it's my life history condensed as much as possible without too much detail and genuinely asking people if this guilt is normal or not.

I don't understand why people think 'being poor' as a young kid, and then quite well off and going on holidays and to dance classes as a teenager, is such a hardship.

Plus - unless mum came into a huge inheritance out of the blue, it wasn't like OP was dirt poor til age 10, then comfortable and going on holidays from secondary age. In reality, mum was accumulating wealth from when OP was relatively young so she could afford to pay a deposit, buy a house, pay for holidays and dance classes as OP got older etc... etc.. As she was accumulating this wealth slowly over time, I doubt she'd have prioritised saving her house deposit over giving the kid a meal, so bar the odd pot noodle OP doesn't seem to have suffered an empty belly at all.

Poverty is associated with poor outcomes because of its increased association with other things like poor parental mental health, substance use, poor parental education, lack of reading and writing ability in parents, lack of education opportunities and books etc.. for kids, mould and disease in homes, abuse, neglect, exposure to gangs and grooming etc..., lack of access to prosocial peers and safe adults, over exposure to opportunity for exploitation etc..

People can be poor and not have any of those associated factors! In fact they can be poor and loved, have a good education, have great role models and good access to books, stimulation and other resources, can have access to great parenting role models, have access to good teachers, have good prosocial peers etc . In which case, the poverty is not that bad. I know OP had a pot noodle here and there and saw her mum crying on occasion. But I don't get what's so bad about that if most of the other factors which can be associated with poor life outcomes weren't present.

If OP said 'i grew up in a council flat, mum was addicted to heroin and her partner beat me up, I was rarely taken to school because mum couldn't get out of bed to get me there. I was behind at school cos we had no access to books at home and mum didn't value education, I was always in trouble at school because I copied the way mums boyfriend treated her and lashed out. In secondary school I never had a money for extra curricular activities. We never went on holiday and school holidays were awful because that's when mum would loose it with me, hit me, send me out to buy her drugs..' If she said all that, and had overcome all that to attain a country pad and horses, I'd think 'bloody hell, you did well!! You should give yourself a pat on the back!'

But in reality, OP seems to have had a really nice life, lots of privilege, a mum that loved her and cared for her and bettered herself for the sake of her daughter.

The only difficulty was having a bit less money as an under 10!

Sorry but I don't get what's so hard about that or why OP needs to tell this as a rags to riches story.

Why can't her story be 'i had a great mum, loads of good role modelling, access to education and opportunities others could only wish for as a teen. As a result, I've got myself into a STEM career which I enjoy and work hard at and has enabled me to get the house I want and the horses I love'.

It's an interesting philosophical debate. So you believe firmly in Seneca's view that "luck is when preparation meets opportunity" - although there's little evidence he said it! I'm of varying views. I think, like de Botton, success is mainly chance - although successful people dislike hearing that! Personality traits will play a factor, too. I imagine less risk-averse people are successful overall, but again why are they less risk averse? Fate?

There certainly are a lot of deletions so it must have got interesting. Luck or hard work is constantly debated on here. I would just say believe what you like. However if you believe it is all down to luck and therefore do nothing you will probably do worse than someone who believes hard work plays quite a big part (and working smart not just hard). So believe what you like but choosing one side of the divide means you will be worse off.

Interesting thread - but oh so much negativity!
Well done OP for making something of yourself. Having had a similar upbringing myself, I think it’s a weird morass of luck, timing, hard work, spotting opportunities and being able to run with the ball. Not everyone can do that. But also lots of luck and being born at a time when property was still affordable on a realistic multiple (I certainly didn’t get any help with a deposit either).

But reading all the above makes my life sound like a gilded lily - whereas I spent my teens and twenties with an ED and low self esteem, which eventually led me to a ltr with someone who was violent. I certainly didn’t feel ‘lucky’ while he was kicking the sh@t out of me!

I’m out of that, thank God, and feel incredibly lucky to have met someone living with whom I now have two children. We live in a lovely house and own other property and yes paying lots of tax.

The feeling of poverty never leaves you though. I wear old clothes, mostly because I’m ?scared? to spend money.

I give back and have used my commercial acumen to make money for local community projects. It’s my way of doing something constructive and practical. To be honest, I don’t think it is really appreciated. I had one person call me a ‘jumped up queen’ recently. I just thought ‘f@ck you’ and probably over reacted.
I think the truth is I’m giving back because it makes me feel like I’m doing something that is karma - but it’s a bit sad that it’s not appreciated and I will probably just do less if this continues. Instead of feeling guilty, I’m turning in more on myself and looking less outward. I don’t need the negativity. I’m not looking to be Lady Muck, just pass on the good fortune, but if it’s not appreciated ?

I feel guilty all the time too OP. I even did a thread about it once. I didn't have a rags to riches story and when I look back on it I was very lucky and privileged in so many ways and I feel constantly guilty about it. Possibly guilty that I didn't do more with the multiple opportunities i had. Or possibly because i was adopted at birth so could have been anyone else. It's headwrecking if I let it overwhelm me, there are days I feel guilty driving past people waiting for the bus or guilty when paying someone for a service when they are on low income. But sometimes it's a good thing, when I acknowledge my luck and privilege in a positive way. It's made me incredibly empathetic and I have a strong need to give back, I am busy with kids now but I have plans to volunteer more and I give money to charity. I treat everyone with equal respect and find I am a bit appalled at the level of entitlement some people have, born into generations of wealth and education and still claim they did well because they worked hard, as if it's that simple. Many many people work hard, it's hard work plus luck that makes you successful.

This thread reads like OP wants a pat on the back for 'turning things around'. Seek validation from within and not from strangers on the Internet....

Don't feel guilty, it's inspiring what you've done.

I'm kind of the opposite, I grew up MC, I've never done anything I'm proud of and I've always had crap jobs even though I know I should have achieved more. Those things didn't matter to me until I had children. I'm now a SAHM and we are renting even though I'm in my 40s. It turns out I had undiagnosed ADHD and that's probably the reason for my self doubt though I can't actually think of anything I excel at.

I feel guilty because I had the money, the opportunities but I wasted it all.

You're still young.

If you want more, decide what and do it.

This is absolutely true. I grew up in that environment but the difference was my mother was an anomaly - she came from a well educated family but was wild and got herself in trouble. So even though we grew up in poverty, addiction, and violence, we could see the alternatives and worked towards that. When you’re three generations into poverty and addiction, the route out is not so easy.

Your mum turned it around - not you.

It does sound like your mum did the heavy lifting out of poverty here. You had horse riding lessons? That's not poverty childhood.