To feel guilty for being successful?

[SailorSerena]

I was born in the 90's to a young single mother in a council flat. We were desperately poor and I remember her crying some nights in because she had nothing to eat, I often got pot noodles.

My mum worked incredibly hard to get her degree while I was a young child and got herself a good career, she bought us a lovely house and took me on nice holidays and paid for my dance classes when I was in secondary school. She was an inspiration. I always loved horses from being tiny but obviously we could never afford one.

I worked hard and got a degree in STEM, got a good career after years of working in horrible jobs with awful hours while being treated like absolute shit by bully managers because I knew the only way I would get a good career with a good employer was with this experience behind me so stuck it out. I bought my first house is my early twenties and now mid thirties have a husband, child, large beautiful country house, and 2 horses I adore.

I worked my fingers to the bone for this, suffered a few break downs along the way for this and wasn't born with a silver spoon, we had nothing. I EARNED it with blood, sweat and tears. So why do I feel guilty for having it?

Every night when we go to bed I look around my house and know how blessed I am, I am so grateful that I have a safe, warm home to raise my child in and the life I always dreamed of. I feel absolutely guilt ridden that I have this and others don't even though I earned it. There are children who grew up on the same council estate as me, some still live there with multiple children repeating the cycle, some are in jail. A minority got out like I did. I feel crushing guilt that I got out and others didn't when I look around at my life, even though I know I worked hard for it and earned it.

Does anybody else feel this way? I almost feel like I shouldn't have these things because other people don't have them, is this a normal way to feel after growing up in poverty? Do people who grew up middle class feel this way? Or is not a class thing and just a me thing?

This isn't a brag, it's my life history condensed as much as possible without too much detail and genuinely asking people if this guilt is normal or not.

She said she was poor but other than that she seems to have had a loving mother that grafted and worked hard to provide for her and who by secondary school had bought them a house, was taking them on holiday and was paying for dance lessons. She hasn't mentioned any other hardship except not having money when under age 10. Like literally millions of people world wide.

Poverty in and of itself is not great, but hardly unusual. She had love, she has a great role model, and by secondary school she was living a more privileged life than many.

Sure she's worked hard and well done to her. I don't want to knock that, it's fab. I'm pleased she has the horses and the life she wanted. But I don't really get why she needs to cling onto the rags to riches story when really in so many ways she has had a lot of opportunities and privilege and whenever someone suggests she sees things slightly differently she harks back to how hard done by she was...

It’s a point YOU made, OP. You brought holidays!

Have you considered therapy OP? It is sad that the guilt is eating away at you like this.

So WHO does deserve it then OP if not you?

Even if you had a nice upbringing you shouldn't feel guilty imo

Exactly - interestingly OP keeps amending their narrative.

I completely agree. And actually maybe this is why OP needs the rags to riches narrative. I'm wondering if her telling herself how hard her life was as a kid helps her feel less guilty about the money she has now. Maybe it helps her feel more deserving ("I'm not one of those silver spoon people. I actually 'earnt' it. I'm from a council house like you etc...") ...

OP - you are allowed money. It's ok to be rich, have horses, have a new bathroom, have holidays or not, have a beautiful country pad. Don't feel guilty and don't feel you need to appease your guilt by reminding yourself you were poor when you were under 10.

It's ok to have money. Its okay you had holidays and dance classes as kid when others didn't. It's ok your mum bought you a house and you saw her work hard and have worked hard yourself

Just accept yourself, and then start doing some charity work/volunteering/giving back...

I don't feel guilty for what I have, I feel incredibly privileged and I'm very aware that what I have came from having a huge leg up, largely from the expectations and discipline that my parents gave me. We didn't have money but I had an incredibly lovely and lucky childhood in the countryside, my parents expected a lot but I was immensely supported. I definitely don't feel guilt though because I didn't do anything wrong or take from anyone else. I could absolutely do more to help others who don't have my privileges though.

See, I see the opposite, I feel hated by society because I don't have money, I've also worked 7 days a week, through the night and back to day shifts, juggling two jobs and it's also damaged my health.

I did that in a role that practically rather than financially supports society, it was my time and labour instead of money because the 'value' on the work I did was low, although the benefit to society was high, and I simply am not earning enough to contribute financially at the same level. Your tax bill is probably more than my annual income.

But both roles are integral to society working at all, higher earners pay more financially and lower earners are the ones providing the services in the first place, one side cannot function effectively without the other.

Without higher earners paying in more, the services can't be funded, and equally without those working in those services to provide them, the services don't run.

I don't necessarily think one 'side' works harder than the other, the contribution is equal effort, but delivered in different ways.

I don't 'hate' people with money, I do take exception to those who completely disregard any contribution made by anyone else that isn't financial, because it takes more than money to make society work.

Thank you so much for this. You have clearly understood what I was saying and how I feel and you have very eloquently explained the roots of these feelings, and shown me my feelings are quite normal. I really appreciate the time you took to read/write it.

I hugely agree with the statement that people born into wealth just assume they are going to be successful but when people are born into poor beginnings success feels like imposter syndrome sometimes. I remember saying to my grandad when I was really young that we are all equal in society because that's what they teach you at school, he said "No. there are thr haves and the have nots. And the one you're born as is what you'll stay. The haves don't let the have nots get above their station." I didn't really understand him and thought he was just old fashioned because we are all equal but now I'm an adult I understand. I certainly feel like I don't belong where I am, I also feel like I don't deserve it even though I earned it and no one gave it to me.

I am glad my daughter won't be carrying these feelings around with her for her whole life, though I do worry about her going the other way to be honest! I don't want her to assume that was she has is normal, I want her to understand she has a lot more than most children and to be grateful for it and not take it for granted. But not in the way I feel grateful but also guilty, just grateful. I don't know how we're going to do that yet she's still just a baby. It's hard navigating things like social standings and wealth.

Therapy would help you, as otherwise you ll pass on poor coping skills to your daughter.

Google the Golden Decade. Seriously your wealth generation is mostly luck, layered on top of your hard work. Right place, right time is a huge % of wealth generation over the last 50 years. It was often down to getting onto the property ladder before prices skyrocketed.

The picture of what looked like a slum that someone shared, as an illustration of what poverty really looked like. Yes 80% of people lived like that, at that time.

There was MASSIVE social mobility since 1960 to now, the same level of social mobility was not seen for 100s of years before. Not everyone benefitted to the same degree, regardless of work ethic.

Its really not all down to hard graft, the grafting was always done, there was generations of grafters that didn't move up the social ladder.

Its mostly down to global, economical changes, the post WW2 boom (after so much devastation and loss of life), combined with massive technological changes over the last 50 years.

Its still ongoing, there s going to be huge social shifts over the next generation, some up, some down due to mass migration and technological advances.

Same here . People who think we were just Lucky can go to fuck . The same people who pissed their money and opportunities up the wall .

I think you were lucky, and I didn't piss money or opportunities up the wall. I m pretty comfortable too, and worked hard and also think I ve been lucky in life.

The vast majority of the new wealth is buying property at the right time. People who can't see that, and insist on it being ALL their own toil can go fuck themselves 🤣🤣🤣😜

Gosh this is so my experience as well I can so relate

You are free to sell the house and give the money to the poor if you want. I have a nice house and we had horses etc but I don't feel guilty. Capitalism is the best system to benefit everyone, rich or poor. Those of us who earn a lot pay have the highest tax in 70 years because we are helping the poor so much. We are heroes of the nation, not guilty parties. We should be lauded from on high....although I suppose the meek are supposed to inherit the earth as the Bible says, so perhaps the lauding will have to go by the way side....

@SailorSerena , that imposter syndrome will have you in a chokehold, so let it go.

I bet your mom is proud of you. She did not allow her hardships to hold her back, but worked hard to create a good life for herself, and a good template for you to go even further.
Not everyone makes it out, but you did and you should own and be proud of that.
If time allows, maybe you can mentor a young person at work/from your old community or such to help someone along - "Each One, Teach One" and all that...

The fact that they made it out doesn't nullify the poverty she experienced in her earlier years.

In the OP - I was born in the 90's to a young single mother in a council flat. We were desperately poor and I remember her crying some nights in because she had nothing to eat, I often got pot noodles.

A bit of luck yes but mainly hardwork and sacrifice . People who were on the same level playing field as me and had the same opportunity's and income now resent me because they made different choices .

Some people exceeded me and did better than me because they worked harder and smarter than me and good luck to them .

If all the money was divided up equally between everyone on this planet , some would spunk it and be back to where they started, some would find a way of making that money work for them . It's human nature to want to better yourself. If people want to go to the bookies , eat takeaways , take drugs , squander their education and generally mismanage their money then that's up to them , but don't tell me what I now have is down to mainly luck . Yes I've had a bit of luck but it's been mainly hard work and good choices.