To feel guilty for being successful?

[SailorSerena]

I was born in the 90's to a young single mother in a council flat. We were desperately poor and I remember her crying some nights in because she had nothing to eat, I often got pot noodles.

My mum worked incredibly hard to get her degree while I was a young child and got herself a good career, she bought us a lovely house and took me on nice holidays and paid for my dance classes when I was in secondary school. She was an inspiration. I always loved horses from being tiny but obviously we could never afford one.

I worked hard and got a degree in STEM, got a good career after years of working in horrible jobs with awful hours while being treated like absolute shit by bully managers because I knew the only way I would get a good career with a good employer was with this experience behind me so stuck it out. I bought my first house is my early twenties and now mid thirties have a husband, child, large beautiful country house, and 2 horses I adore.

I worked my fingers to the bone for this, suffered a few break downs along the way for this and wasn't born with a silver spoon, we had nothing. I EARNED it with blood, sweat and tears. So why do I feel guilty for having it?

Every night when we go to bed I look around my house and know how blessed I am, I am so grateful that I have a safe, warm home to raise my child in and the life I always dreamed of. I feel absolutely guilt ridden that I have this and others don't even though I earned it. There are children who grew up on the same council estate as me, some still live there with multiple children repeating the cycle, some are in jail. A minority got out like I did. I feel crushing guilt that I got out and others didn't when I look around at my life, even though I know I worked hard for it and earned it.

Does anybody else feel this way? I almost feel like I shouldn't have these things because other people don't have them, is this a normal way to feel after growing up in poverty? Do people who grew up middle class feel this way? Or is not a class thing and just a me thing?

This isn't a brag, it's my life history condensed as much as possible without too much detail and genuinely asking people if this guilt is normal or not.

I can relate to this.

My parents were poor, and I vowed to do everything I could to not end up in the same position.

I was lucky, in that I had a bursary to go to private school, so that gave me a bit of a life boost. At 13 I told my careers teacher I wanted to be a lawyer - which was strongly discouraged as it didn’t match the careers profiles they suggested.

Falling pregnant at 18 was a bit of a blip - so I did my degree at 22, working full time too at a law firm. Law firm saw I was bright and took over my funding after year 1 and I qualified there. I stayed ten years, then 3 more jobs later and I am earning well and at a very senior level.

I was pretty ambitious and met DH, with a similar working class background, who also worked his arse off. When we met we were both in minimum wage jobs, now we both earn well and have a mortgage free house, property abroad etc.

Nobody IRL knows that though. I generally don’t bring people to my house as I’m embarrassed by some of the comments I’ve had. And my extended family seem to think I have “too much money” and can be pretty unpleasant about it without having a clue what I earn. And I am not posh enough to be well
off either. So I’m grateful, but also it feels very foreign and uncomfortable to me.

In comparison, my wider family are all in unskilled, low paid jobs, and don’t generally own houses, so even knowing I own a house is enough for them to be jealous and pissed off, apparently.

But she didn’t have Sky Tv as a child!

Good post. I agree.

Wow you earned it with blood sweat and tears?

I’ve met a handful of people who work like that. As the first person in my family to finish school working 100 hrs a week as a doctor I still didn’t think that…..it never occurred
to me I was working harder than a cleaner or a farmer.

I don’t feel guilty about my success but I find the hyperbole around work very silly. So so many people on MN ‘working their arse off’ etc.

No one should feel guilty for being successful. I’m not successful as I don’t have drive and ambition plus I’m very lazy so it’s my fault.

I feel absolutely guilt ridden that I have this and others don't even though I earned it.

Bet your mum doesn’t feel guilt that she managed to buy a house/do well for herself and you. Bet your mum doesn’t feel guilt that her daughter has done even better. Don’t borrow problems, well done you! Enjoy your life.

OP I am proud of you. You should be so proud too. You are winning at life through your own hardwork, guts and determination. Its a brilliant achievement. You are being unreasonable, you deserve this,enjoy it. I admire you,you have been on a tough journey, keeping your focus must have been a nightmare at times. Great job lady..this is your reward enjoy it please.

Agree with this. From an illness perspective I will never achieve what you can. Why don't you dedicate time and money - I think time is important - to a charity that's important to you?

Exactly !!

I had a comfortable childhood, but everything we have now is earned !!

@SailorSerena I find it sooo inspirational when women have to work hard due to life circumstances and end up having a lovely life. You do deserve it. I do have a lovely life (lovely DH and DC) but never had a career job, just reception/retail roles and currently a SAHM(never went to uni either). Please keep doing what you're doing for other women who are unable. Enjoy the rewards of your hard work, you truly deserve it 💜

Yes, exactly. My parents worked brutally hard all their lives, but in minimum wage jobs hat left them with ongoing physical issues. OP, find a way to give back. But also, respectfully, ask yourself why you’re biting the heads off posters who are suggesting a different narrative. I’m also from a grindingly poor background and got out via education, but I more than acknowledge the role of pure luck in this. Yes, I worked like a dog for scholarships etc, but I was lucky someone else didn’t do better on the day.

A lot of envious people commenting on this thread . The OP didn't get lucky . She made her own luck .

I know poverty. I know domestic violence and abuse. Some of us never got the privileges you did, and that's ok, life isn't fair and equal.

What do you want validation for? Stop looking at the woe is me perspective, and look at what you have accomplished.

I don't feel guilty for surviving my childhood when some don't. I don't feel guilty I'm no longer beaten, when some are. I don't feel guilty for my determination to be nothing like where I came from. What would that achieve, apart from reminders of dark times and an impact on my health. You can't change things for everyone, just yourself. And you have.

@Catapultaway I agree and with other posters.
Where abouts in the UK are you??

I am in the North east and your upbringing seems a lot like mine and most of our friends.
I am 2 years older than you and remember my mam putting lots of coats on our bed on top of our quilts to keep us warm as we only heated downstairs and could only have double glazing in the livingroom. My dad used to stay up from nights to look after us and tried to catch up from sleep when mam came home from work.

No one I know had cars for their 18th or house deposits gifts.

We have all worked hard since we were 16 and my husband since he was 13.

Our parents were supportive and loving and instilled a work ethic in us all. However we know we have an element of luck and being able to get our mortgage at 25 buying 3 bed house in the north east at £135K 13 years ago.
We're happy and have a beautiful child.
We both work in the NHS I'm a nurse and husband is IT and could never afford a horse or anything like that.
But we are comfortable and can afford a yearly holiday.
I work in the community day to day and see lots of deprivation in the area I live in.
Some stuck in cycles and poor education, lack of guidance from parents etc and others bad luck. It is so sad. But I'm a local lass and I will try and help as best as I can.

I am very thankful for what I have and you can't say you have worked harder than a lot of people.

@SailorSerena you’re allowed to be proud of yourself. Ignore the detractors.
Well done.

My mum worked incredibly hard to get her degree while I was a young child and got herself a good career, she bought us a lovely house and took me on nice holidays and paid for my dance classes when I was in secondary school. She was an inspiration. I always loved horses from being tiny but obviously we could never afford one

I don't think you have any idea of what growing up in poverty actually means.

You had a 'lovely house, nice holidays and dance classes'

It's actually really rather offensive and repugnant to those of us who actually grew up in poverty - council houses from age 0-16, sometimes no food, no opportunity, bullied because of your knackered shoes and school uniform (pot noodle would have been a treat).

My first holiday was age 20 when I'd saved enough money. I worked from age 14.

And my viewpoint doesn't come from envy, as I'm very proud to be successful now.

It's strange to tell yourself a false narrative when actually you had privilege - perhaps that's why you feel such guilt?

OP, you say you stuck with bullying managers to get the work experience, I’m curious about what you think people with comfortable childhoods do !? Leave jobs and go on benefits ??

other than the initial few years where you had a tough life, your mom seems to have done really well to give you a comfortable childhood. Dance classes, having your own bedroom, warm house - and above all, a supportive parent - all this is privilege!

THIS.

Did she, or was it her mum's hard work that gave her the leg up?

That was exactly my experience until I was 10. Because it was just 4 years less than your experience it doesn't count? It's not the poverty Olympics.

Seeing your mum cry most days, have nothing to eat, have a crying fit because she burnt the food but there isn't anything else, sitting in the dark because the electric ran out, all of those experiences scar young children. They certainly aren't erased by a few nice holidays at 14. The fact that you think it does is offensive really.

Whilst you're making it a competition, I haven't been on holiday in 3 years because we can't afford it at the moment. Does that make you feel better?

You said you have a large country house, horses etc? Yet you don’t have the money for a holiday!?? In 3 yrs?

Come on, OP. Are you blaming your initial rough years for not earning much now? Inspite of having a stem degree?

I hope you are looking after your mom now.

Very similar situation here OP however I haven't ever felt guilty. I do sometimes feel embarrassed though and I downplay things a lot and I don't post things on social media as I don't want anyone to see what we have and do and feel bad about their own situations. When we moved into our most event and very large home I had imposter syndrome for the first two years and couldn't settle. I love it now but it took me ages as I didn't feel I belonged.

I'm also really grateful my husband is very supportive of my family too and we financially support his mum, my mum and sister (who recently divorced and is struggling) so I suppose that assuages any guilt I might feel as we are able to share our wealth with those we love and who need it.

I'm similar, very working class background, first person in my extended family to get a degree. Worked bloody hard all my life, now thinking about retirement. I've had a lovely life compared to my childhood / twenties, but as many of you have said, still feel imposter syndrome on a regular basis.

I think you are way over thinking this. Imposter syndrome is pretty universal.

Oh stop it. Op has everything to be proud of herself. Her mum inspired her and I'm sure she is just as deserving of everything.