To feel guilty for being successful?

[SailorSerena]

I was born in the 90's to a young single mother in a council flat. We were desperately poor and I remember her crying some nights in because she had nothing to eat, I often got pot noodles.

My mum worked incredibly hard to get her degree while I was a young child and got herself a good career, she bought us a lovely house and took me on nice holidays and paid for my dance classes when I was in secondary school. She was an inspiration. I always loved horses from being tiny but obviously we could never afford one.

I worked hard and got a degree in STEM, got a good career after years of working in horrible jobs with awful hours while being treated like absolute shit by bully managers because I knew the only way I would get a good career with a good employer was with this experience behind me so stuck it out. I bought my first house is my early twenties and now mid thirties have a husband, child, large beautiful country house, and 2 horses I adore.

I worked my fingers to the bone for this, suffered a few break downs along the way for this and wasn't born with a silver spoon, we had nothing. I EARNED it with blood, sweat and tears. So why do I feel guilty for having it?

Every night when we go to bed I look around my house and know how blessed I am, I am so grateful that I have a safe, warm home to raise my child in and the life I always dreamed of. I feel absolutely guilt ridden that I have this and others don't even though I earned it. There are children who grew up on the same council estate as me, some still live there with multiple children repeating the cycle, some are in jail. A minority got out like I did. I feel crushing guilt that I got out and others didn't when I look around at my life, even though I know I worked hard for it and earned it.

Does anybody else feel this way? I almost feel like I shouldn't have these things because other people don't have them, is this a normal way to feel after growing up in poverty? Do people who grew up middle class feel this way? Or is not a class thing and just a me thing?

This isn't a brag, it's my life history condensed as much as possible without too much detail and genuinely asking people if this guilt is normal or not.

I was completely on your side etc.. but this post seems a little mean and it feels like it is very important to you to have the the narrative 'i came from nothing and have worked hard to earn my way to a nice life'. Any challenge to that narrative you do appear to find quite threatening. I wonder if your post is also about getting validation for what you see as how well you've done in life.

Don't get me wrong. You've done nothing wrong at all in earning well and providing form your family. You have chosen jobs that earn well and worked hard like many millions of people do, and now you enjoy a privileged life. That's ok.

However, when you wrote My mum worked incredibly hard to get her degree while I was a young child and got herself a good career, she bought us a lovely house and took me on nice holidays and paid for my dance classes when I was in secondary school ... I always loved horses from being tiny but obviously we could never afford one. This doesn't really feel like a very underprivileged life or a life where you were not given some privileges. It doesn't feel like poverty.

It's fine to say 'my parents couldn't afford horses but now I provide horses for my kids' and feel guilty others don't get to ride horses. But it's also ok for people to challenge you a little bit and point out that your life as a kid sounds similar, or even a little better off, than 80% of the UK. I don't know many people that had horses as kids. Lots of people can't go on holidays or to dance classes. Lots of people have parents who will never be able to attend university or get off benefits. Lots of people.grew up.in rented accomodation with their parents unable to buy them a hime. That's not to knock your experiences, just pointing out that it sounds like you had quite a few advantages. And that's ok. You are likely grateful for what you had.

I think maybe if you can find yourself voluntary work in a charitable field it will really help you feel less guilty about your privilege, but may also help open your eyes a little to the realities of poverty in this country currently and I'm sure many children could benefit from your financial or time support and would love to come and visit your horses...

Yup you obviously had the direction, will and ability to improve your lot.
But don’t forget that every journey has a bit of luck, some have good and some have bad.
To think success is all luck or no luck at all is disingenuous.
Maybe you feel guilty that your journey had a sprinkle of good luck.
So enjoy it, but give back a little.
Increase your charitable donations, or give your time in areas that would help others.
There’s probably more joy in knowing you’re paving the way for others behind you rather than simply just feathering your own nest.

"But hey, if you can't see that, or understand what I've written because you're just too pissed off that I made something of myself, feel free to scroll on by!"

I was with you until this.

I mean this with kindness I promise…

I think you’re feeling guilty because you’re not acknowledging that there’s a huge element of luck involved too. You absolutely worked very hard to get where you are today and should be proud - but there are others out there who work equally as hard, or harder, who are never going to be able to escape poverty. It’s not always as simple as “just keep working hard”. I’m sure you know this.

Acknowledge the element of lucky too. Stop feeling guilty and start feeling lucky.

YANBU OP

I suffer msssively with imposter syndrome.

it sounds as though your life has developed really well though - congratulations ❤️

A few posters have talked about it’s not just about working hard, lots of people work hard and don’t advance. I think this is really insightful.

I often have people asking me in my work capacity what I did differently or extra to make it. I’ve no idea and maybe some luck was involved. Lucky I have my health so don’t get sick often, lucky I have an amazing support network and people who have taken an interest in my and offered advice when I most needed it, lucky I’m fairly intuitive and good with people, people have seemed to like me or at least haven’t felt threatened by me. Lucky to have found the right employers who have given me opportunity. Lucky I brought a house when I did as now they are so much more expensive. I’d like to think I’ve had a hand in making my own luck. There is so much too it.

You realise the majority of people dont get those things either, and plenty go on to be succesfull. You're not as special as you think.
What STEM related job involves working your fingers to the bones, as opposed to just working hard like everyone else 😂

@ThirdStorm

Yes having a likeable personality is a great asset to have as it smooths the path through life and people will open doors for you and help you and will turn the other cheek if you do fuck up .

The most successful people I know and have been promoted have not been as clever as some of their colleagues on paper but have been charismatic and persuasive .

@Catapultaway , I'm with you here. I read this thread thinking my parents ensured I got a good education but I've also been personally very determined to succeed since about age 17 and have achieved everything I have done myself as an adult with no hand outs. It's really not that unusual, it's true of everyone I know and lots alot more successful than me.

I wouldn’t feel guilty. Life can change in a minute.

@PinkSugarViolets This is me, charismatic and persuasive.

I have worked hard to an extent, it’s more about working smart though. My background is really awful, we had nothing growing up. I applied for a job I had zero experience in. My boss said you get an interview you will get that job as you can talk your way in to anything, I did. It’s not just work though it translates in to relationships both romantic and platonic. Plus negotiating for stuff I can get stuff for free or at discounted rates.

Hard agree - ‘there but for the grace of god I go.’
enjoy it because things can change!

This!

Absolutely this!

You desperately sound like you want a pat on the back for being so clever and resourceful.

But a massive amount of luck was involved too. A lot of people work really hard and don’t have what you have? Why is that?

Not everybody who works like a dog has a big house and two horses. That’s life. It’s not fair. So yes you’ve been very lucky.

I come from a very poor country and we were poor in that poor country. I won a scholarship and to cut a long story short, I am in the top 2% of earners in this country. I do not feel guilty but I am grateful to God for his blessings. I give back in a variety of ways. I've faced racism, xenophobia, sexism. I came here at 19 to attend university, all on my own and it was the first time I ever travelled. Gosh thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.

Many of my peers from back home have also been very successful economically. I think being poor can fuel a fire in one's belly to succeed.

Agree.....and the answer from @MumBikini was spot on

I think the guilt comes because there is also some luck in there.

You have absolutely worked incredibly hard to achieve what you have - and you should be so proud of that. But while you had a tougher upbringing than some people, you also perhaps had a more loving mother than some people. Perhaps you were in the right place at the right time at some point to make all that hard work pay off. You got a job, whereas someone else just missed out. Life takes a million different turns on a sixpence - I really believe that you make your own luck by working hard and taking opportunities as you have done. But you can’t deny that some people also work hard and don’t quite make it, don’t get the job, meet the right partner.

So I think that’s where some of the guilt stems from.

And it also means it is absolutely no reason to feel guilty. You should enjoy what you have and have worked hard for. You do deserve it.

In your shoes, I would set up a standing order to a charity that supports the community I grew up in and that might help a bit with those feelings too.

Well done OP, you should be proud of and you should enjoy all you have achieved.

Ah, I just read your updates. Yes - I don’t think most people have a car on their 18th/house deposit etc do they? I’m not from what I consider to be a hugely deprived background but certainly didn’t have a parent in a position to provide me with that! So I wouldn’t get too carried away with the idea you’ve overcome a lack of something the majority have.

If you don't think your mum crying because there is no food while you eat a pot noodle and is scared to sleep at night because she's alone with a child in a dangerous area and can't afford to have the lights on all night for a sense of safety, just enough for us to use them until we go to bed doesn't sound like poverty you have a very different definition of poverty to me.

I had nice teen years, but I grew up in poverty during my formative years, the years where your beliefs about the world and your personality are formed. I certainly wouldn't call a decade of poverty balanced by dance classes and some holidays as a teen a childhood more privileged than 80% of the UK.

I snapped back because someone came to a thread where I have been open and vulnerable about the way I feel and seemed to greatly enjoy being rude to me and putting me down. Not many people respond well to that kind of behaviour.

it was your mum that broke the cycle, not you

100% this. Your mum gave you a great start, which I imagine was not her background. She seemed determined to improve her life, perhaps because of you so had dedication and love.Many, many children from deprived backgrounds don't have that.

I think you need to consider you are "lucky" for many reasons 1.To have your mum and 2. have the brain type that enabled you to follow a STEM career, which in recent years has paid very well. You may have had the same mum but a creative brain (or SEN) and your earnings might be considerably less, irrespective of your hard work. It's them unlikely you would have financial security now.

Practice gratitude and give to charity..put back what you have been fortunate to receive.

@SailorSerena Why do you feel guilty? Because you have 'survived', and others haven't. It is called "survivor's guilt".

I have a similar story and don't feel guilty for my success. However I realise it was hard work AND LUCK.

Lots of people in grinding poverty work just as hard as you or I. They weren't as lucky in being supported by their families or academically gifted or healthy.

I think the wealth discrepancy on this country is shameful. I think part of it is because wealthy people believe they earned it by working so damn hard.

Sorry you're going to have to explain to me how my mum breaking the cycle means I had an easy life and didn't earn anything, whilst also acknowledging she didn't give me anything and it's normal for everyone who is successful to do well without being given any financial help in life at all it literally makes no sense. All the people I know who are successful got driving lessons paid for, help buying their first house or allowed to live at home for free to save a deposit. The people who don't get that help are stuck renting and catching the bus. To set yourself up with zero family financial help is incredibly difficult and is literally the dividing line between my friends who have succeeded and those who are struggling.

As for working fingers to the bone - laboratory research work is 12 hour shifts, you can't sit at at all due to health and safety of chemicals and potential spillage into you so you need to be able to move away quickly, most lab staff have bad backs young from standing and leaning over the benches and you constantly wash your hands until they bleed and lump heavy equipment into and out of autoclaves and glass washers all day. You do that for four days a week, on the fifth day sit and write the papers up for 10 hours and the 6th day work at the hospital for free to build up your portfolio. Science careers are hard to build and physically grueling as well as mentally draining. We're not all desk jockeys doing spreadsheets 🙄

You seem really eager to be rude to me or put me in my place as you see it. Why is that?

I think this is incredibly accurate.

It actually feels like survivors guilt of poverty but I didn't want to use the term in case it seemed insensitive as it's usually used for people who survive tragedies.

I feel like it's wrong we didn't all make it out together, it feels almost shameful to have got out alone. It doesn't help that a lot of childhood acquaintances treat me like ' I've got above my station '

Sorry OP but you are loosing me more and more with every post. You are way too wedded to the 'i came from nothing' narrative and seem to want a great pat on the back and to be told how wonderful you are.

Most people's parents struggle more in the early days than in the teenage years. DH and I rented when ours were little, and now they r at secondary we have our own home etc.. I see myself and our children as privileged that they get holidays now and we pay for extra curricular. Just like you were privileged at secondary.

Sorry primary was harder for your mum financially, but she gave you so many opportunities - you saw her put your first, prioritise you, go to uni, work hard, save to afford holidays as you got older. She clearly seems to have loved and inspired you too. Gosh you are very lucky indeed.

Half the population can tell stories about their parents not having much money when they were small. My mum was a single parent of three kids and struggled when we were very young. It's not that unusual.

What you managed to get, from your mum, was loads of opportunities, particularly as you got older. Many many kids remain in poverty. Their parents haven't got the skills to go to uni, to get a job, to afford holidays and dance classes. Many kids grow up with neglect or abuse or around substances, gangs or violence. Many will never see their parents grind at uni or go on to earn a decent wage and buy a house. I'm sorry you didn't get your pony, but 99.9% or children across the globe can't afford a pony.

Stop seeing yourself as poor little me who is amazing for all the hard work they've done to get where they are, and start showing some gratitude for the many many positives, privileges and lifts up you've had in your life.

The pot noodles didn't do you any harm and I'm sure you managed a bit more than a pot noodle on your holidays.

Please start some voluntary work, preferably with homeless people, refugees or children under child protection. You might get some perspective...