To feel guilty for being successful?

[SailorSerena]

I was born in the 90's to a young single mother in a council flat. We were desperately poor and I remember her crying some nights in because she had nothing to eat, I often got pot noodles.

My mum worked incredibly hard to get her degree while I was a young child and got herself a good career, she bought us a lovely house and took me on nice holidays and paid for my dance classes when I was in secondary school. She was an inspiration. I always loved horses from being tiny but obviously we could never afford one.

I worked hard and got a degree in STEM, got a good career after years of working in horrible jobs with awful hours while being treated like absolute shit by bully managers because I knew the only way I would get a good career with a good employer was with this experience behind me so stuck it out. I bought my first house is my early twenties and now mid thirties have a husband, child, large beautiful country house, and 2 horses I adore.

I worked my fingers to the bone for this, suffered a few break downs along the way for this and wasn't born with a silver spoon, we had nothing. I EARNED it with blood, sweat and tears. So why do I feel guilty for having it?

Every night when we go to bed I look around my house and know how blessed I am, I am so grateful that I have a safe, warm home to raise my child in and the life I always dreamed of. I feel absolutely guilt ridden that I have this and others don't even though I earned it. There are children who grew up on the same council estate as me, some still live there with multiple children repeating the cycle, some are in jail. A minority got out like I did. I feel crushing guilt that I got out and others didn't when I look around at my life, even though I know I worked hard for it and earned it.

Does anybody else feel this way? I almost feel like I shouldn't have these things because other people don't have them, is this a normal way to feel after growing up in poverty? Do people who grew up middle class feel this way? Or is not a class thing and just a me thing?

This isn't a brag, it's my life history condensed as much as possible without too much detail and genuinely asking people if this guilt is normal or not.

You really aren't listening to what others are saying, your DM bought a lovely home and you had lovely holidays and in fact you are putting her down.
She did her very best but what a lot of us are hearing is that it wasn't good enough for you, and now 'you've made it' you are looking down at others with faux pity.
Many of us lived in poverty, many of us knew what an empty tummy was. I remember it like it was yesterday, many of my friends aren't where I am BUT to say 'they didn't make it out' IMVHO is a vile statement.

I grew up in poverty - south London council flat, single mother with addiction, five siblings, no food, mother’s horrible stream of boyfriends coming and going. I got a STEM degree, PhD, had an academic career before changing to a corporate one. I have a nice life. I don’t have to worry about money and have a relationship with my partner that doesn’t involve us screaming at each other (unlike all the relationships I saw as a child). Do I feel guilt? Fuck no. Some of us make it out and some of us don’t, and there are many factors that contribute, including a hefty dose of luck. Just enjoy your good fortune.

Absolutely. I was totally with the OP in her first post but the more I read the more I realise she just thinks she's the bees knees and above everyone else..

Maybe you feel uncomfortable because you understand that many people study and work hard yet don’t end up wealthy or even comfortable.
On the other hand, some people have severely abusive upbringings and end up millionaires
I hear you had some tough years but you were also privileged to have a loving mother who broke the poverty cycle
There are lots of things at play to create wealth- upbringing, love, encouragement, work. It’s mostly luck. Don’t feel bad about it- there are people doing worse than you and there are people doing better. Appreciate your position of privilege and don’t over think it

I don't have a big country house but a house in a nice part of London which I know many people now couldn't afford. I grew up on benefits, one parent deceased and worked from the age of 16, got myself through uni, (while my middle class friends never worked one day and had money from their parents all the time). I worked part time all the way through, paid all my uni debts within 10 years while climbing the career ladder. I don't have any guilt, not at all, and not sure why you feel guilty, but I do have imposter syndrome around successful people who were brought up with wealth and never feel like I'm at their level. However, I acknowledge it was my mum and extended family that pushed me to study and get an education, because they knew the circumstances I grew up in and knew it was the only ticket I had to success. Rather than feeling guilty, I feel like I owe them a huge gratitude to enjoy life now.

I don't really care if I've lost your or not fortunately. There's a difference between renting then your children were young and having no food for them. You clearly are trying to act as if poverty is irrelevant if you get nice stuff later on because you want to put me in my place. I know 99% of children don't get ponies thank you, Im not stupid.

I've achieved a life I never thought I could have. When I was a child the life I have now literally appeared to be unavailable to me. People born into money had this life not children from deprived areas. That is the belief that poverty gives you. If you can't see that where I was born and where I am now are two different worlds, you don't understand poverty and it's you that needs to get some perspective.

I know very well what my mother gave me. She's an incredible woman. That's why I said she was inspiring. Not sure why you're trying to make out I don't see what she did for me.

There are many posters here who understand my position perfectly, they obviously have had the same life experiences I have. You clearly have not. I don't really know what you're posting for other than to put me down in typical MN fashion as you clearly don't understand my life perspectives. The posters who do have given really good advice that I am grateful for. What are you giving me exactly other than a kicking?

Hi OP

You did absolutely earn it, but you were also lucky that you had an amazing role model and this is what might be making you feel guilty, that fundamentally its not fair that some people are born into families where they are shown different possibilities and supported to achieve etc and others just aren't at all.

I am wondering if your work (or industry) has some sort of social mobility / D&I type organisation you could join? The company I work for has just started a social mobility network (after lots of other inclusion networks this seems to be one area of inequality that still exists eg it's still socially acceptable to laugh at where someone is from or make fun of their accent). I'm not saying you should at all, you don't owe anyone and might not feel comfortable talking about your background etc. But it might help with the guilt if you feel you're doing something?

Agreed, and no you work your fingers to the bone OP, you were hardly down the pits, you lost any sympathy from me with your second post, just awful.

The only posters you think understand you are the ones saying "well done you. You're a survivor. You've beaten the odds. You're great".

You say some of your friends think you've got 'above your station'. I suspect what they notice is that you think you are above people and see yourself as superior , some kind of hero for "making it out". 🤢

Im not going to sit here and tell you how amazing you are. I'm pleased for you that you don't live in poverty now. But you definitely have a hint of narcissism and a touch of the markle about you...

Yes your mum sounds amazing but she was the one to break the cycle, not you!

My mum worked incredibly hard to get her degree while I was a young child and got herself a good career, she bought us a lovely house and took me on nice holidays and paid for my dance classes when I was in secondary school

Meant to post that on my previous post

The whole OP is just a good old fashioned mumsnet stealth brag dressed up as look at humble impoverished old me and how hard work got me a country house and two ponies 🙄 it’s just a wanting validation post.

I agree with everything you have said . I understand.

This is so so so inspiring!!!! You and your mum got out of poverty. Lots of people take their fate of beeing born poor as a destiny. You telling your story can change that. Your mum gave you hope and better life. Maybe you can inspire others too.
By beeing happy you spread happiness!!

"you want to put me in my place."

I think you've got a chip on your shoulder OP.

Like others I thought you were lovely in your first post, but subsequently you've acted like a cornered badger to anyone who has suggested a different slant to your life experiences and how you feel about them.

And the way you made STEM work sound like 30 years down the pit was interesting.

That actually sounds like an amazing thing to do! My company doesn't do this out charity work is all done through water aid or small local community projects. Is it something you can do without going through an employer do you know?

I could imagine my DD being in your position in a few years time.
I was like your mum to a point, going without and working my backside off to provide. I didn't go to university because of health issues and now am possibly considering it again, all be it a different area than the one I originally planned. I have been promoted within my role and considering what I've dealt with, I feel that's an achievement.

My DD will be sitting her final exams in a few months for her degree and hopefully able to embark on her professional career and be successful. She's worked bloody hard to get there and I've sacrificed to support her as well. I'm on a wage that barely supports one person and during her practical year I had to support her too because she didn't get enough to support herself in the way of student loans. I did extra jobs on an ad hoc basis (above board) when my ft job allowed and we went back to those days of rationing food, energy and well everything.

I feel lucky for what I've achieved and supported her to achieve, and sorrowful at what might have been at the same time, had my life been different.

I don't think you need to feel guilty for being successful, but maybe your guilt is coming from the way you're framing your success. As someone who sounds similar to your mum, I don't think you're giving your mum enough credit as it were for the way she changed things from your early life to your teenage years, and the knock on effect that has had, not having holidays or dance classes, but the unwavering support and inspiration she clearly gave you through all your childhood, even the poverty years, by going without so you had, by digging herself out of that situation so you had a better frame on life and starting point and had a belief it was possible.

I've absolutely no doubt that you've worked hard, but you had a better starting point (and not just financially) than your mum sounds like she did. And judging by the way you've reacted to a pp who said similar, recognising that seems to threaten you in some way. You seem very stuck on keep reiterating how you have worked your fingers to the bone, and how much you deserve it now - I'm not saying you don't, but as soon as someone has said that actually maybe your mum played a bigger role than you recognise, you've reacted negatively.

Recognising other people's role in your success doesn't (or shouldn't imo) diminish your own role in it, I don't think I'm solely responsible for my DDs success to date, but I do know I've had a huge impact in my 'supporting' role and she may well have made it with no support at all, but I've given her some advantages that she wouldn't have had. Her or me recognising that doesn't at all diminish the hard work and effort she's put in.

I suspect your guilt isn't about what you've achieved, but more about your pity for other people. All those poor estate kids who you think have worse lives than you. Pity comes from arrogance, though. It comes from having a sense of superiority over others.

I'm another person who is surprised at how dismissive you are of what your mother did to get you both out of poverty. But it makes sense when you believe yourself to be the hero. And your OTT reaction to other people pointing out your mother's efforts also indicates you don't like your narrative to be challenged because it threatens your ego. At the root of it, arrogance comes from insecurity.

You did well to create the life you have, but it's not all from hard work. It is also luck, opportunity, and not being a single parent living on an estate. It doesn't take anything away from your achievements to acknowledge that you also benefitted from your mother's hard work and may have had opportunities that other people didn't.

I feel that way. I put the feelings to use in volunteering for a charity helping young teens in similar situations as I grew up in, also in the way I vote and campaign.

Good for you OP with your achievements and as long as you have acknowledged your lovely Mum ,then stop trying to validate your success.

I had to add something to this post.
I couldn't believe some of the mean things op was saying in her posts.
I too felt guilty for having so much ( no ponies though)
I got over myself and just replaced the guilty feelings (over time) with appreciation and gratitude ( I love this, I'm so happy I have this etc)
I think guilt is only useful as an emotion if it's stops you doing mean things.
So op not need to feel guilty about how lucky you are to have such a lovely life ( just don't lord it over anyone, which I'm sure you aren't )
But maybe feel a bit guilty about you many mean, defensive and down right uncalled for posts.

Never feel guilty but also never look
Down on anyone who didn't manage to climb out of the same situation you lived through.

Ps not just you but I bloody hate the phrase "worked hard"
If working hard was the key every cleaner would earn more than tech bros and the highest paid individuals on the planet would be single mums in Africa who walk miles for clean water & raise kids

I agree that there's no automatic correlation between working hard and earning an exceptional salary. There are many people who have worked hard, gained qualifications and don't become high earners, and lots of people work hard in jobs that keep society turning but never earn much.
Your achievements are something to be proud of @SailorSerena . However I really don't think other people were as rude to you as you seem to think they were.

Therapy would be really helpful here x