I really don't like my nephew

[Dellspoem]

He is living with us at the moment as a stop gap, we offered to help him out because things completely broke down at home and he had nowhere else to go. Hes 23 and the agreement was to live with us for a few months while he found a job and got back on his feet. That was back in August after he graduated.

He's just always trying to prove a point. He's always combative, argues with absolutely everything and doesn't respect anything I say - I'm an old person, a millennial, millennials are sad and pathetic (which is a whole thing with this generation). His entire belief system is based on what he sees online. He wakes up at 12, 1, 2pm every day. He hasn't found a job, and it's been six months. We've offered to get him in touch with our friend who works in his industry but no doesn't want to do that. Walks around with headphones in and can't hear us/ I think he's purposefully ignoring us. I suggested printing off CVs and walking up and down the high street giving it to restaurants and shops. He said no, that's so old fashioned no one does that anymore. Claiming universal credit and spending all day chatting to mates and playing games.

He doesn't get on with his parents (my brother and sister in law) and since he was a teenager I've said my doors are always open, I'm your aunty and I love you, that's what I'm here for. But bloody hell am I close to closing/ slamming those doors shut. He refuses to go back home, or to his grans, he just wants to live here. My husband has now asked him to start paying rent - £300 a month initially and increasing by 100 every month until it reaches market price.

His mum point blank refuses to have him back home. I'm sick and tired of her and her stupid offspring. I've just got to a point now I hate having him around. I hate seeing him in the 'morning' (today he woke up at 2.30pm) and casually came downstairs to ask how I am; DH is away and I am looking after my newborn and 2 year old. If (and when that was me) staying with my aunt I would have woken up early to help with the house and kids.

Urgh. And the worst thing is I'm now convinced I'm going to be a horrid mother to teenagers because I don't have patience for this.

Anyway AIBU let me hear your thoughts.

You can't control other people's behaviour or choices, only your own. The question to ask yourself is "why have you been such a mug up to this point?" And "what are you going to do about it now?".

My suggestion would be either to give him a very good talking to re. your expectations of him (and expect immediate improvement) or give him notice to move out.

💐💐💐 you'll be a great mum to teenagers. This sounds so stressful. I think you r much more patient than you realise or give yourself credit for!

He isn't your problem and you have gone out of your way to help him - he sounds rude, entitled and lazy.

I'd have a talk with him and give him an ultimatum. Start paying rent and helping around the house, paying his way or he needs to move out by X date. Sounds like he needs some tough love and a kick up the arse

how is he going to pay you without any cash coming in?

He's acting like a teenager yet he's a fully fledged man. Why do you allow him to be so rude to you? He's a guest in your house. Pull him up, every single time. You really have no reason to accept it. You also need to give him notice to quit. He obviously doesn't like being a grown up but it's time he became acquainted with the real world, which includes work. Hopefully your own child will turn out to be caring and independent, so you will not experience this situation in the future.

So every few weeks or so we have this exact conversation - we would like you to wake up at a reasonable time, we want you to contribute to xyz around the house, we want you to join us for family dinners every day.

Alongside 'what is the long term plan, and how long are you going to grace us with your company' - which is met with 'I'm applying to xyz but haven't got through'

A few weeks ago I snapped. I said that this is just not acceptable anymore and I want you to leave. He got really upset, started crying, was just genuinely distressed and sorry and DH said no you can stay.

You need to stop accepting this and arrange a meeting. He is an adult and he needs to step up and act like one. The agreement was that he stayed for a few months whilst he looked for a job. He has outstayed his welcome and is not holding up his end of the bargain. Don’t get angry, just make some new plans and steps he agrees to that get reviewed. Discuss respect and how he can improve his respectful behaviour and what you no longer want to accept from him- eg disrespectful comments etc.

FWIW I wouldn’t expect a 23 year old man to offer to help out with a baby or toddler unless he was a dad himself tbh. So on that one sorry but you’re expecting too much.

You took him in and gave him time to get a job. It’s not your fault he hasn’t made the most of the opportunity. Give him two months written notice to move out. Make sure he understands that he will be leaving at then end of the two months regardless of whether he has somewhere to go and a job.

Well I guess there's your answer. He got upset, you relented and now things are back to normal. Which was probably the pattern at home. The only thing to do is to stick to your guns, but he's had a lifetime of doing what he wants and now everyone is expecting him to do something that he doesn't want to do. He'll be sitting in your spare room when he's 40.

You've done your duty and more. Tell him he is moving out at Easter at the latest and set him some weekly goals. Tell him his one chance to stay is finding and keeping a full time job. Otherwise he will be moving out. You will probably need to coach him a bit.

You are seeing why things completely broke down at home. He has second opportunity to be supported while he enters the adult world and he is wasting it again.

your plan to charge him rent is good. I would add household chores to the mix. then I would place requirements on him about the job search. How you want to handle that depends on how much you want to supervise. It could be hours sitting at the computer researching companies that could match his skill set, regardless of current openings. Less supervision would be him showing he applied to a certain number of jobs each week. At this point I would require a mix of jobs in his desired field and the types of jobs that are just looking for warm bodies. (In my area, he could be working tomorrow at a likely unpleasant minimum wage zero hours contract job, but I know not everywhere is as desperate for workers)

You've opened the door and supported him for almost 6 months. You are not doing him any favours by keeping this arrangement long term, it's enabling his behaviour.

If he is not happy with his parents or grans then he needs to find a flat/ housemate pretty quick. I'd give him one months notice to be out.you are doing him a favour in the long run, mean as it feels now.

Six months is not a stop gap.

He's annoying, disrespectful and not your problem. I’m amazed your DH tolerates having him and I think it’s high time you told him he has to move out. He’s a fully grown and apparently well educated adult and it’s not your job to facilitate his cushy life of chatting to friends and gaming to the small hours.

In terms of immediate action I’d start by turning off the wifi or changing the password and not giving it to him. He can job search at the library, or pay his own phone and data bills.

You are doing him no favours letting him live this way. Time for tough love. He has to get any job or he'll have to move out.

I think you've been more than generous with a grown man who is not your responsibility anyway. You've already hosted him for months. Instead of using your help to good use as it was offered for, he chooses to sleep half the day and run his mouth at you. This arrangement isn't helping anyone so there's no good reason to keep it going.

First, I think you need to talk to your husband and present a united front. You telling him to leave and your husband telling him to stay needs to stop. Instead, get husband to back you up, then just tell him you've enjoyed having him but your family really needs to get back to your own business now, and that he needs to be out within two or three days. Then go back to your business in another part of the house or take the kids out for a while. Don't be drawn into tears or drama. It's time for him to go, end of story.

Just as the others have said, sto enabling him. Either he pulls his weight or he leaves. Give him a deadline and stick to it.

I also want to say not to worry about when your children become teenagers. You are a great mother. You have shown kindness and patience to your nephew even when he has been throwing it back in your face. I promise you that you will find it easier to have even more patience with your own children because you love them so dearly.

He's taking the proverbial p. He could sign up with an agency and do temporary work. If a company like him, this could lead to a permanent contract. Even if it doesn't, he's still got valuable work experience and paid employment out of it. You're right to start charging him rent, at the moment he's just a grifter taking advantage of your hospitality. He needs some tough love and a kick up the arse.

OP, have you not told him that if he continues to be rude, and fails to pull his weight around the house, then he's no longer welcome to live with you? You can't let this man child take advantage of you like this, I bet now you can see why him and his Mum didn't get along, can't you? Tell him that he needs to start getting up and ready to start the day at a reasonable time, no more of this crawling out of his pit at lunchtime, when the day is half gone. He then needs to get his arse in gear and start applying for jobs. Once he's put in as much effort as he can for the day, looking for a job, filling in application forms, etc., then he can start doing some jobs and making himself useful around the house, arguing about doing any of this, will result in him being out on his ear. Oh, and if he doesn't like paying the rent out of his benefits, then once again, you will be showing him the door.

It sounds like he was probably spoiled rotten by his Mum, and allowed to get away with all sorts, until it got to the stage where his behaviour was no longer cute or endearing, and by that time, it was too late for her to reign him in. He then managed to pull the wool over your eyes, clearly thinking that you were a soft touch, and you were daft enough to offer him a place to live, probably thinking that you could sort him out, when his poor Mum couldn't. However, you've now realised that he really isn't the nice young man you thought he was, that he's rude, arrogant and lazy, and can now see why his DM had had enough of him and won't have him back.

Sadly, it sounds like he's just another one of this generation who feels that the world owes him a living, and needs a good kick in the pants to make him see that if he doesn't get off his arse and work for what he wants out of life, then he'll end up being just another lazy, work shy, layabout, who may well end up on the streets, when he's managed to piss off everyone he knows, and no one wants to give him a bed for the night.

He has absolutely no motivation to take responsibility for his life because he’s happy how he is and there’s no consequences for him not doing as he pleases and treating everyone how he pleases. If you want to actually do him a favour then you need to give him motivation and implement consequences. Sit him down and tell him when he was upset you thought it would have got through to him things can’t carry on as they are, but given that he hasn’t made any changes, you know it didn’t. Tell him you’re giving him a month to show he’s making changes and be really explicit about what you need to see. Outline clearly the consequences of him not doing so, for example you’ll give him notice of when he needs to leave. Schedule in a review meeting with him so he knows you’re serious.

Ugh I'd give him a month to leave - two months won't change him so the sooner the better. You've held up your part of the bargain and he hasn't held up his. You're enabling him. He can go to his nans. He doesn't get a choice when he's acting entitled. He's a grown man. You need to focus your energies on yourself, your kids and your husband.

Of course you can control other people's behaviour and choices, but it is such hard work, it is exhausting! Draining. Usually parents do it, or spouses, but it is too much effort for a nephew.

Well you can see why his mum doesn’t want him at hers.

My nephew lived with me for a while – a particular highlight was him sitting in a chair explaining feminism to me while I cleaned. When I pointed out he did nothing around the house he magnanimously invited me to “nag” him to do chores.

He did end up back home but has recently had to move out and standing on his own two feet is exactly what he needs. So don’t think that asking your nephew to leave as cutting him loose – he desperately needs you to do it.

He’s probably struggling with reality of being an adult with poor employment prospects, why would he go and be a wage slave when he’s looked after at home. Don’t boot him out but make moving out an attractive option.
Explain to him that you have been thinking- he is an adult in the household so he needs to contribute if he’s staying long term 1. He pays rent (market rate as you have lost the use of a room- btw he will accrue tenant rights) 2. extra if he wants you to laundry and provide food and meals (bed and board). 3. Otherwise twice a week he is responsible for dinner for the family, twice a week dishes morning, lunch, dinner. 4. Washing machine and kitchen use is sensible not eg one item per wash or he’s contributing to bills. 5. Once a week cleans own bathroom and hoovers own room and changes bedding. 6.Otherwise responsible for own breakfast and lunch.

If he wants to stay in bed all day he can, but make sure he’s not depressed or just doesn’t feel it’s worth getting up as no structure to his day.

I think you need to put him on notice.
“You are 23 and not our responsibility. We have no obligation to keep you housed and fed and your attitude is making us/me more than resentful. You have been here since August and you have displayed nothing but a rude, entitled attitude and have done sweet fuck all to get off your arse and get a job to stick to your side of our our agreement. Unless you have a job and start contributing financially and physically and changing your attitude towards the people who have been supporting your entitled arse, you will need to go.