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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I really don't like my nephew

179 replies

Dellspoem · 22/02/2025 23:00

He is living with us at the moment as a stop gap, we offered to help him out because things completely broke down at home and he had nowhere else to go. Hes 23 and the agreement was to live with us for a few months while he found a job and got back on his feet. That was back in August after he graduated.

He's just always trying to prove a point. He's always combative, argues with absolutely everything and doesn't respect anything I say - I'm an old person, a millennial, millennials are sad and pathetic (which is a whole thing with this generation). His entire belief system is based on what he sees online. He wakes up at 12, 1, 2pm every day. He hasn't found a job, and it's been six months. We've offered to get him in touch with our friend who works in his industry but no doesn't want to do that. Walks around with headphones in and can't hear us/ I think he's purposefully ignoring us. I suggested printing off CVs and walking up and down the high street giving it to restaurants and shops. He said no, that's so old fashioned no one does that anymore. Claiming universal credit and spending all day chatting to mates and playing games.

He doesn't get on with his parents (my brother and sister in law) and since he was a teenager I've said my doors are always open, I'm your aunty and I love you, that's what I'm here for. But bloody hell am I close to closing/ slamming those doors shut. He refuses to go back home, or to his grans, he just wants to live here. My husband has now asked him to start paying rent - £300 a month initially and increasing by 100 every month until it reaches market price.

His mum point blank refuses to have him back home. I'm sick and tired of her and her stupid offspring. I've just got to a point now I hate having him around. I hate seeing him in the 'morning' (today he woke up at 2.30pm) and casually came downstairs to ask how I am; DH is away and I am looking after my newborn and 2 year old. If (and when that was me) staying with my aunt I would have woken up early to help with the house and kids.

Urgh. And the worst thing is I'm now convinced I'm going to be a horrid mother to teenagers because I don't have patience for this.

Anyway AIBU let me hear your thoughts.

OP posts:
EdgarAllenRaven · 23/02/2025 10:57

Mollymalone123 · 23/02/2025 01:37

Switch off the WiFi for his gaming and take back control. We have had 4 young men from 18-31 living with us as relationships had broken down at home.The late night gaming drove me insane so we bought a plug to remotely switch off WiFi at a more reasonable time.It helped in a big Way-had to do it with 2 of them who were similar sounding.We found that it’s like they could function properly and were demotivated by gaming at night and the bidy click suffered. Rests a timetable maybe for him to stick to -job hunt-chores-etc.good luck

Yes! Brilliant idea

historyrepeatz · 23/02/2025 11:07

You need to talk to DH about having an agreed united front. No point saying one thing and him another. Personally I would be saying that he has to leave by x date and not drag it out too long. He sounds very entitled.

It's disappointing that he doesn't do anything in regard to your children but I don't think it should be expected.

TheaBrandt1 · 23/02/2025 11:20

Pretty obvious why this is more of an issue now. Phones and gaming and UC. Before the widespread availability of these boredom would likely push these young men into the world plus the necessity to earn. Both those push factors are gone so they can loll around online and receive enough to live on if they can find a mug family member or woman to provide a living environment.

Forthethirdyearinarow87 · 23/02/2025 12:48

ChompandaGrazia · 23/02/2025 09:45

No it isn’t a scientific fact. It was based on poorly carried out experiments.

www.sciencefocus.com/comment/brain-myth-25-development

Show quote history

OK so research out of MIT is wrong?

The author himself said his article puts forward a “wildly reductionist, overly simplistic perspective”

And the article very cleverly talks about two completely different things!

Most scientists in this area agree that the period of plasticity that ends with the amygdala joining up with the rest of the limbic system., ends around the mid to late twenties.

No one is suggesting that you can’t learn anything up to that point! By suggesting that that is what the research is saying is utterly ridiculous!

Forthethirdyearinarow87 · 23/02/2025 12:58

Incidentally, I’ve consistently said throughout this thread that this young man should be given better boundaries. I have never thought that this brain research should be used as an excuse so I don’t know why posters are suggesting that this is the case.

I had one compliant teen and one non compliant teen. Both had the same education and boundaries. One turned out to be much less emotionally resilient than the other. Reading about the human brain helped me to understand where they were coming from and how to use different approaches with each, towards the same objective. It was a help not a hindrance!

FoolishHips · 23/02/2025 13:44

Tiredofallthis101 · 23/02/2025 00:58

Hmmm, I'd be slightly more generous than PPs as although his crying might be manipulative he might feel lost, depressed, and destabilised by the breakdown of the relationship with his parents. I think you need to be his stability, to a certain degree, by telling him that you love him and want him to stay but he's wasting his life away, and that's too hard for you to watch. Tell him you will support him in finding a job (does he have a driving licence, could he perhaps be an Amazon delivery driver, lots of people seem to get jobs easily) but things have to change or he will have to leave. Get DH to back you up on it. Give him a reasonable deadline and say you'll come back to the discussion then. He's probably picking up on your dislike of him and finding that destabilising- try to hide it, and be as calm and consistent as you can be. 'C, we agreed you'd wash up tonight but you haven't. It's really important to do this as ignoring what we've agreed undermines our trust in you and makes it more likely you'll have to leave, whi h I don't want. Please do the washing up now'. Ultimately young adults, even in their early 20s, are often still a bit immature. Hopefully consistent boundaries will help. If they don't, have the agreed conversation on date you said you would and tell him for your benefit and his he needs to leave.

I agree with this. You can't just throw him out with nowhere to go. The PPs who know lots of 23 year olds with professional jobs are irrelevant. It's like saying "I can do it, why can't you?". People mature at different ages.

And young people do say stupid, annoying things because they have little experience of life. Honestly, it's just silly to become offended by something said by a young person.

I'd also try not to have meetings with him. Just decide what you need him to do there and then and ask him to do it. It sounds as if he doesn't have much in the way of executive functioning and isn't organised enough to plan his chores in advance. It's really hard work because you feel like you're having to think for another person but it does appear to work better. My autistic 22 year old has been living with me for almost two months...arrived on the train and never went home so I know what it's like.

Phineyj · 23/02/2025 13:50

The main problem is though that the OP voluntarily picked up a burden that isn't even hers.

I mean, have your nephew round for dinner once a week. Send a supermarket voucher for uni groceries. Offer work contacts. Sure.

Have them live with you indefinitely?!

AngelicKaty · 23/02/2025 16:23

Biffbaff · 23/02/2025 08:11

Going up and down the high street with printed out paper CVs is really crap career advice to be fair. Can he not sign on? They'll force him to look for work and keep appointments with them.

OP told us that he's in receipt of Universal Credit.

AngelicKaty · 23/02/2025 16:29

@MyDeftDuck "If he is claiming UC based on being unemployed surely he has to be actively looking for employment doesn't he? Isn't that part of the criteria? Perhaps I am wrong ......
You are not wrong - it's part of the Claimant Commitment he signed when he first submitted his claim for UC. I'd love to see the messages between his DWP Work Coach and him in his UC Journal to find out what evidence he's providing the WC that he's actually actively looking for work.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/02/2025 16:36

AngelicKaty · 23/02/2025 06:32

@Mummyoflittledragon Did you miss OP's second post where she wrote: "So every few weeks or so we have this exact conversation - we would like you to wake up at a reasonable time, we want you to contribute to xyz around the house, we want you to join us for family dinners every day."
So, every few weeks they tell him what they expect of him and he just ignores them. Any "contract" has been breached by him repeatedly in the six months he's been sponging off them including, crucially, the fact that he hasn't got a job in all that time, which is ridiculous - he should be able to get something (surely a grad' can be trusted to flip burgers?). He's taking advantage of OP's good nature and he needs to leave and stand on his own two feet - finally!

Obviously I didn’t miss what op said. We would like / want x, y and z to happen is expressing a desire. I can express all sorts of desires to my 16 yo dd. It won’t make a jot of difference. I am suggesting op illustrates everything they do for him then state these are what they as members of the household do for one another. Therefore there are expectations on being member of the household. This is their house and anyone, who wishes to continue to be a member of the household has to adhere to them. Basically their house, their rules. This is just a softer way of saying shape up or ship out. And more likely to get to the desired result as he is less likely to start crying or panicking.

If op wants to give him an ultimatum, that is fine as well.

SoundOfTheUnderground1 · 23/02/2025 19:27

He needs to leave, you're not helping him by tolerating this.
He's not your responsibility. You're not demonstrating appropriate boundaries & in doing so, you are becoming part of the problem. In your shoes, I'd give him 2 days notice.

Iamgettingolderandgrumpier · 24/02/2025 18:03

He’s not your problem but he has you ‘over a barrel’. He knows all he has to do is turn on the waterworks. Give him a date that you want him out by and stand by it. Let his parents know what you are doing. Up to them if they want to let him home again or support him.

TheTavern · 24/02/2025 18:37

He sounds spoilt, depressed and maybe on on ‘the spectrum’. And he sees you as a pushover.
I suggest you get yr DB and his DW over and agree a date that they will assist with moving him out. You said he won’t go home-ok, but maybe he will when he realises he’s outstayed his welcome and your home is no longer an option.
I think u have been a saint, with 2 little one you have enough going on. Your bro needs to think about what it’s like for you and help end this situation.

MustWeDoThis · 24/02/2025 19:14

Dellspoem · 22/02/2025 23:00

He is living with us at the moment as a stop gap, we offered to help him out because things completely broke down at home and he had nowhere else to go. Hes 23 and the agreement was to live with us for a few months while he found a job and got back on his feet. That was back in August after he graduated.

He's just always trying to prove a point. He's always combative, argues with absolutely everything and doesn't respect anything I say - I'm an old person, a millennial, millennials are sad and pathetic (which is a whole thing with this generation). His entire belief system is based on what he sees online. He wakes up at 12, 1, 2pm every day. He hasn't found a job, and it's been six months. We've offered to get him in touch with our friend who works in his industry but no doesn't want to do that. Walks around with headphones in and can't hear us/ I think he's purposefully ignoring us. I suggested printing off CVs and walking up and down the high street giving it to restaurants and shops. He said no, that's so old fashioned no one does that anymore. Claiming universal credit and spending all day chatting to mates and playing games.

He doesn't get on with his parents (my brother and sister in law) and since he was a teenager I've said my doors are always open, I'm your aunty and I love you, that's what I'm here for. But bloody hell am I close to closing/ slamming those doors shut. He refuses to go back home, or to his grans, he just wants to live here. My husband has now asked him to start paying rent - £300 a month initially and increasing by 100 every month until it reaches market price.

His mum point blank refuses to have him back home. I'm sick and tired of her and her stupid offspring. I've just got to a point now I hate having him around. I hate seeing him in the 'morning' (today he woke up at 2.30pm) and casually came downstairs to ask how I am; DH is away and I am looking after my newborn and 2 year old. If (and when that was me) staying with my aunt I would have woken up early to help with the house and kids.

Urgh. And the worst thing is I'm now convinced I'm going to be a horrid mother to teenagers because I don't have patience for this.

Anyway AIBU let me hear your thoughts.

Stop enabling this slothernly life by allowing him to stay. He's an adult - Kick him out, or dump him on the councils doorstep. He is not your problem. He is his Mother's problem and she's used you as a scape-goat. Take him back to his Mum's actually! Him and all his stuff. Just dump them on her doorstep and tell her she needs to get him on the register for social housing and a referral to his GP for his mental health.

Tiredofallthis101 · 24/02/2025 19:39

Have you decided how to.handle the situation yet @Dellspoem ?

Belaymehearties · 24/02/2025 19:59

Do we share a nephew? 🙄
If he's not working how is he going to be able to pay you rent? You need to give him a firm deadline to move out and sofa surf with his local friends!

Shotokan101 · 24/02/2025 20:16

Kick him to the kerb.....

TwoRobins · 24/02/2025 21:12

No good deed goes unpunished, and all that. I hope you manage to sort something out soon, OP. What a nightmare.

Horses7 · 24/02/2025 22:17

He’s a grown up.
He’s not your responsibility.
You’ve got enough on with your own family.
Boot him out sharpish.

Rfvvvv · 24/02/2025 22:25

Tell your husband to go with him.
Absolutely unbelievable that you are doing this for a nephew.
I wouldn't tolerate this from my own.

If my husband undermined me like that his life would be hell.
No way would i tolerate it.
You are far too nice.

ThistleTits · 24/02/2025 23:07

Dellspoem · 22/02/2025 23:00

He is living with us at the moment as a stop gap, we offered to help him out because things completely broke down at home and he had nowhere else to go. Hes 23 and the agreement was to live with us for a few months while he found a job and got back on his feet. That was back in August after he graduated.

He's just always trying to prove a point. He's always combative, argues with absolutely everything and doesn't respect anything I say - I'm an old person, a millennial, millennials are sad and pathetic (which is a whole thing with this generation). His entire belief system is based on what he sees online. He wakes up at 12, 1, 2pm every day. He hasn't found a job, and it's been six months. We've offered to get him in touch with our friend who works in his industry but no doesn't want to do that. Walks around with headphones in and can't hear us/ I think he's purposefully ignoring us. I suggested printing off CVs and walking up and down the high street giving it to restaurants and shops. He said no, that's so old fashioned no one does that anymore. Claiming universal credit and spending all day chatting to mates and playing games.

He doesn't get on with his parents (my brother and sister in law) and since he was a teenager I've said my doors are always open, I'm your aunty and I love you, that's what I'm here for. But bloody hell am I close to closing/ slamming those doors shut. He refuses to go back home, or to his grans, he just wants to live here. My husband has now asked him to start paying rent - £300 a month initially and increasing by 100 every month until it reaches market price.

His mum point blank refuses to have him back home. I'm sick and tired of her and her stupid offspring. I've just got to a point now I hate having him around. I hate seeing him in the 'morning' (today he woke up at 2.30pm) and casually came downstairs to ask how I am; DH is away and I am looking after my newborn and 2 year old. If (and when that was me) staying with my aunt I would have woken up early to help with the house and kids.

Urgh. And the worst thing is I'm now convinced I'm going to be a horrid mother to teenagers because I don't have patience for this.

Anyway AIBU let me hear your thoughts.

He's not a teenager though, he's a 23 year old man. Give him 4 weeks notice to leave your home. He'll have to sort himself out. I don't blame his mum for not allowing him back to their home. I hope he doesn't end up with his grandma.
This man is absolutely taking the P. Tough love time and it will be the making of him.
You can dislike someone's behaviour and still love them. Tell him this.

BooneyBeautiful · 25/02/2025 01:02

Quitelikeit · 22/02/2025 23:07

how is he going to pay you without any cash coming in?

Looks like he is claiming Universal Credit, but he will be sanctioned if he doesn't spend time searching for jobs.

May229 · 25/02/2025 01:55

You can have a good talk with him, and if he still doesn't want to move out for work, then kick him out. He can be independent now.

Jumpers4goalposts · 25/02/2025 06:16

You need to set rules and stick to them, the rules are non-negotiable and his living with you is dependant on his following them. He can be involved in setting them so that they are achievable. Otherwise you are just facilitating him being like he is, he’s behaviour is pretty usual for his age but that does not mean that it is benefitting him. That’s what you need to make clear in the setting of the rules.

BusyMum47 · 25/02/2025 06:59

Give him notice... immediately. Tell him why...bluntly. Then throw him out when the date comes & feel no guilt whatsoever!