I really don't like my nephew

[Dellspoem]

He is living with us at the moment as a stop gap, we offered to help him out because things completely broke down at home and he had nowhere else to go. Hes 23 and the agreement was to live with us for a few months while he found a job and got back on his feet. That was back in August after he graduated.

He's just always trying to prove a point. He's always combative, argues with absolutely everything and doesn't respect anything I say - I'm an old person, a millennial, millennials are sad and pathetic (which is a whole thing with this generation). His entire belief system is based on what he sees online. He wakes up at 12, 1, 2pm every day. He hasn't found a job, and it's been six months. We've offered to get him in touch with our friend who works in his industry but no doesn't want to do that. Walks around with headphones in and can't hear us/ I think he's purposefully ignoring us. I suggested printing off CVs and walking up and down the high street giving it to restaurants and shops. He said no, that's so old fashioned no one does that anymore. Claiming universal credit and spending all day chatting to mates and playing games.

He doesn't get on with his parents (my brother and sister in law) and since he was a teenager I've said my doors are always open, I'm your aunty and I love you, that's what I'm here for. But bloody hell am I close to closing/ slamming those doors shut. He refuses to go back home, or to his grans, he just wants to live here. My husband has now asked him to start paying rent - £300 a month initially and increasing by 100 every month until it reaches market price.

His mum point blank refuses to have him back home. I'm sick and tired of her and her stupid offspring. I've just got to a point now I hate having him around. I hate seeing him in the 'morning' (today he woke up at 2.30pm) and casually came downstairs to ask how I am; DH is away and I am looking after my newborn and 2 year old. If (and when that was me) staying with my aunt I would have woken up early to help with the house and kids.

Urgh. And the worst thing is I'm now convinced I'm going to be a horrid mother to teenagers because I don't have patience for this.

Anyway AIBU let me hear your thoughts.

What you've got is a failure to launch.

Job or out within a certain time frame. No laundry, no cooking for him, nothing. It's time to make it uncomfortable for him. And your husband needs to back you up, he isn't home all the time with this lazy nephew disrespecting you in your own home.

The only thing is I wouldn't expect is child care from him.

You need to both sit him down and tell him he is not doing enough to get a job. He should have any job for now, working in a pub, fish and chip shop, anything. He is living like a teenager, and it would infuriate me too.

Yes, that’s great and all that. But she needs her dh to follow through. And if it’s just going to scare the nephew, he is more likely to renege when the nephew starts crying. Then they’ll be no better off. This is a way of explaining to the nephew that he’s not a child anymore. It is saying we feed and house you etc. In order for this to continue to happen, this other thing needs to happen. Namely to contribute financially and physically in the household in return.

Once he’s up and running, then they focus on getting him out of the house. And if he doesn’t get up and running, they have a basis for saying the contract hasn’t been adhered to. Go home to mummy.

@Mummyoflittledragon Did you miss OP's second post where she wrote: "So every few weeks or so we have this exact conversation - we would like you to wake up at a reasonable time, we want you to contribute to xyz around the house, we want you to join us for family dinners every day."
So, every few weeks they tell him what they expect of him and he just ignores them. Any "contract" has been breached by him repeatedly in the six months he's been sponging off them including, crucially, the fact that he hasn't got a job in all that time, which is ridiculous - he should be able to get something (surely a grad' can be trusted to flip burgers?). He's taking advantage of OP's good nature and he needs to leave and stand on his own two feet - finally!

He has no reason to leave because you're enabling him sponging of you. If it was my teenager I would wake him up in the morning and give him chores to do. Either that or try to find a job, any job to support himself.

It’s a hard lesson learned but now you know why your sister was having a hard time with him. It wasn’t because she wasn’t as good at parenting as you are, it’s because this particular grown man is a rude, lazy, parasite. Arrogant too.

He’s not going to listen to you and he’s not going to change so you are now in the same position as your sister. The only difference being is he now has a longer period of unemployment on his CV.

I’m wondering if you are going to tell your sister that you didn’t know better than her after all

None of those things prevents a person from getting up in the morning or obtaining employment.

Stop being a doormat. Set him some rules and boundaries and tell if he has a job by X date he can stay until y date. If no job you're out on z date. I'm not sure why you say you're sick of your SIL. Sounds like she has boundaries and stuck to them, it's not her fault you don't.

Your house, your rules. He doesn’t respect it leave him on his arse, he’s 23 and an adult, he wants other people to learn the hard way he has to as well. Don’t allow yourself to be disrespected OP. You’ve done a really nice thing for him which he should be grateful for!

I imagine you are a kind person and wanted to help.

The problem is you are now not helping.

The kindest thing to do would be to give him a month's notice and kick him out.

It would be best to tell your brother and SIL you are doing this and to ensure you and DH are on the same page first. Have the important conversations together or this young man will attempt to play both sides against the middle.

If he is claiming UC based on being unemployed surely he has to be actively looking for employment doesn't he? Isn't that part of the criteria? Perhaps I am wrong ......
However, I think it is time the OP had a very firm conversation with the nephew. If the OP hadn't taken him is, where would he be now? Homeless? Sleeping rough?
The very least he could do is get up at a reasonable time in the morning and actually help around the house.
I have nephews and wouldn't see either of them homeless but there are boundaries.

Probably better involve the gran too. All 5 older adults here need to agree they're not having him, or he'll just bounce from one to the other.

So, when you call him out on his behavior and want him to step up or step out, he cries and manipulates you and your DH and you both just let him.

No wonder he acts as he does!

He needs to be given a month to make other arrangements, either into a rented room, back home or wherever. He needs to grow the hell up and stop being a total and complete leech.

You and your DH need to accept responsibility for letting him take advantage of you and then not stepping up to the plate to help him grow up.

He should be so, so embarrassed!

I doubt many people would enjoy living with a mini Andrew Tate in the making, especially when it's not even their own child. Which brings me to this:

He doesn't get on with his parents (my brother and sister in law) and since he was a teenager I've said my doors are always open, I'm your aunty and I love you, that's what I'm here for.

So perhaps his parents WERE trying to deal with his crap all through his teens and you undermined that, by playing Disney auntie whispering sweet nothings about how he could always come and live with you? Less incentive for him to change his ways because he knew he always had an 'out' if asked to leave the parental home.

He's a fully grown adult. His parents have obviously tried to let him go into the world as they can't put up with his behaviour, this is just enabling him to carry on. Give him his notice and cut those apron strings

Stop having conversations about his conduct in the home and start having conversations about when he is leaving. Time to give him a deadline, the holiday is over sunshine. By X date you need to have a job and have your bags packed, time for him to stand on his own feet.

I think that I would say that from Monday he works 35 hours a week, no excuses. The options available are:

He works those hours for free for you 9am - 5pm. Gardening, cleaning, shopping, looking after the kids, doing diy, running errands etc. There is no rent to pay.
He works those hours out of the house for himself - supermarket, delivery driving, fast food, restaurant work. He pays rent.
He works those hours in a professional job that matches his planned career. He pays rent.

I would also explain that if he chooses not to pick one of the options above, then he moves out straight away.

Let him know that with option 1 there is some flexibility - for example you wouldn't expect him to work on a day when he has a job interview - but no flexibitily for oversleeping/hungover/tired like there wouldn't be in a job.

Maybe he can get a cookie every time he gets his shoes on the correct feet?

(LOVED your post!) 👏

He is taking the piss out of your kindness. Give him 2 weeks to get a job otherwise he needs to go. It is not sustainable.

He’s not a teenager! He’s a fully grown man. At 23 I was engaged to my now-husband, had a master’s degree and a professional job. As PP said, most of his peers will be doing the same.

He needs kicking out. He can live in a house share and work at a pub until he figures it out. If he graduated in August and has done sweet FA since then he’s likely already missed the ball on working in the field his degree is in. There will be a fresh set of grads in four months, and people from his cohort who have been working in related fields or volunteering.

The mind boggles that you’re letting him lounge around in your house and disrespect you (!!!!) when you have a newborn and a toddler, OP. You are not actually helping him. He needs some tough love.

You need your DH on board with you. If he backtracks every time you try to put rules into place just because nephew cries then things are never going to change.
I like the suggestions from others about changing the WiFi password or turning it off, as that seems to be a barrier in that he is happy to stay up gaming meaning he then isn't up and awake to properly job hunt. He needs to lower his expectations about what work he will accept and simply needs a job to earn money.

What is he actually contributing to your home? You mention you have two children of your own. An extra adult is going to be costing you and taking resources away from your immediate family. You said he doesn't offer to help with the children (fair enough) or the home - this is where I would expect him to pull his weight, especially if not working and paying. He should be doing some of the housework and not being waited on.

I think you can now see why your SIL was struggling with him and glad to get rid of him

Going up and down the high street with printed out paper CVs is really crap career advice to be fair. Can he not sign on? They'll force him to look for work and keep appointments with them.

He is not a child !! Pack up his stuff and put him out. He is a scrounger and he needs to sort himself out. You have given him six months, he has done nothing so tell him to go.

"He doesn't get on with his parents (my brother and sister in law) ... His mum point blank refuses to have him back home. I'm sick and tired of her and her stupid offspring."

Where is your brother in all this? Why are angry with your SiL and not your brother?

You and your DH need to get on the same page. If nephew had stuck to the agreement and was working and paying rent, would you want him in your house anyway? He sounds like a very unpleasant lodger. The answer to that will depend on whether the ultimatum is a) you are out unless you have any job and are paying rent by x date or b) you are out by x date anyway. I would say you also need to present a united front with his parents and gran or he will just go leech off gran for another 6 months.