I really don't like my nephew

[Dellspoem]

He is living with us at the moment as a stop gap, we offered to help him out because things completely broke down at home and he had nowhere else to go. Hes 23 and the agreement was to live with us for a few months while he found a job and got back on his feet. That was back in August after he graduated.

He's just always trying to prove a point. He's always combative, argues with absolutely everything and doesn't respect anything I say - I'm an old person, a millennial, millennials are sad and pathetic (which is a whole thing with this generation). His entire belief system is based on what he sees online. He wakes up at 12, 1, 2pm every day. He hasn't found a job, and it's been six months. We've offered to get him in touch with our friend who works in his industry but no doesn't want to do that. Walks around with headphones in and can't hear us/ I think he's purposefully ignoring us. I suggested printing off CVs and walking up and down the high street giving it to restaurants and shops. He said no, that's so old fashioned no one does that anymore. Claiming universal credit and spending all day chatting to mates and playing games.

He doesn't get on with his parents (my brother and sister in law) and since he was a teenager I've said my doors are always open, I'm your aunty and I love you, that's what I'm here for. But bloody hell am I close to closing/ slamming those doors shut. He refuses to go back home, or to his grans, he just wants to live here. My husband has now asked him to start paying rent - £300 a month initially and increasing by 100 every month until it reaches market price.

His mum point blank refuses to have him back home. I'm sick and tired of her and her stupid offspring. I've just got to a point now I hate having him around. I hate seeing him in the 'morning' (today he woke up at 2.30pm) and casually came downstairs to ask how I am; DH is away and I am looking after my newborn and 2 year old. If (and when that was me) staying with my aunt I would have woken up early to help with the house and kids.

Urgh. And the worst thing is I'm now convinced I'm going to be a horrid mother to teenagers because I don't have patience for this.

Anyway AIBU let me hear your thoughts.

I think his parents are getting off very lightly in this thread. If I was his mother I woul£ be appalled that he was taking advantage of relatives in this way. I would rather have him back home than allow that. It is probably their fault he is like he is. They should be taking the consequences of their shit parenting, not the OP.

You can laugh at my post @AnnoyedAsAllHeck that’s absolutely fine. I am saying it is factually true.

You obviously missed my earlier post where I said the op should give her nephew three months notice and enabling him to extend his adolescence without taking personal responsibility for himself wasn’t helping him.

It doesn’t have to be one thing or the other. Life is rarely as simple as that. It’s possible that his brain is immature and he still needs a kick up the arse to get launched!

He’s 23!! He’s not a teenager. Think about what you were doing at 23- I’ll bet you were an adult by this age. Give him a leave date and stick to it.
The mooching round with no job is bad enough but the disrespect is completely unexplainable by him. How dare he call you names whilst paying nothing to live in your house.
Stop being mugs and chuck him out.

“Nephew, we took you in to support you 6 months ago, but you haven’t kept your side of the bargain. You’re unpleasant and insulting to me, you don’t do anything to support the household, and you don’t pay rent. You’re not even trying to get a job. Tell me exactly why we should allow you to remain living with us, when we have a NB and a 2yo already to look after?”

Harden your heart to tears. He needs a strong deadline- things change tomorrow, or he has notice to leave- a week should be long enough- and stick to it. You can do this without being mean and he needs to understand the consequences of his choices.

Well that’s the point isn’t it? Doesn’t sound like he’s been actively looking for a job

I'd tell him if he hasn't secured ANY form of work within 2 months he will need to move out and that he needs to sort his wake/sleep schedule to that of a normal person and start showing some respect in your home.

I laugh because, at 23, we are all supposed to think that on your 25th birthday, your brain all of a sudden matures. Anything doctors and psychologists come up with is disingenuous. They are the ones who thought giving women hysterectomies would "cure" them being upset/emotional/anxious and lobotomies would "cure" insanity.

He won't accrue tenants rights as he's a lodger.

Lodgers have few rights and can be told to leave with days notice. The minimum is normally 7 days but it can be less if it's agreed.

Why are so many of his generation like this? What young people have we brought up?

It's alarming isn't it?

Anyways, he def needs to get his head on. He needs to be productive and find somewhere to live independently. Can he get careers advice from the job centre? Do they offer programmes?

I would force this on him. You have enough on. He doesn't help. He hasn't looked for a job so breached your agreement. He therefore has to move out. This will make him homeless. He needs to talk to housing. He'll go in a hostel then it's up to him cos there's no gaming there....

Do not let him, the lazy lay about, go to his Gran's.

You need to have the same conversation but you do have to overlook tears. Allow him to stay for a further set time (four weeks) if he is transparent about fining a job, accepts help to do so, gets up every morning and gets dressed and goes to work (out of your home for eight hours) searching for work (local employment agency, library) and helping in the local distribution food charity, and contributes to the home chores.

You need to have reasonable boundaries and stick to them.

His poor Gran should only be saddled with him once he has found a full time job and has learnt to - get up, dress up and show up.

I’ve always secretly worried that I’m a bit of a pushover but this thread is making me wonder if I’m actually a heartless bitch because I’d have cracked months ago and told this entitled loser to get a job, contribute physically and financially to the household and stop being a rude twat or get the fuck out of my home.

He's 23, he’s had 6 months of a “stop gap” at his aunt’s house and instead of being grateful for all the support he’s doing fuck all but being a prick. No wonder his mother doesn’t want him to move back home with her.

ETA not having a pop at OP with the above but I’m amazed at how many replies advise being even more patient and understanding than OP and her husband have been already.

Yup. you need to set a deadline. He needs to talk to your friend in industry, get a job and move out. He’s 23, not 13, which is what is behaviour is like. I’ve known much more polite 13 year olds.

Eh? You don’t believe in the biological sciences? Or medical research?

Have you read any recent studies about the adolescent brain? It matures over a long period of time and doesn’t stop developing, on average, until mid twenties.

https://hr.mit.edu/static/worklife/youngadult/brain.html

This is a fairly recent discovery.

Sure, I totally believe this research. I taught university for 30 years but I also know that if you don’t set firm boundaries and expectations, young people can go off the rails. There isn’t as much sense of future consequences. You have to set the bar and make them reach it until they have enough self regulation to do it themselves.

He is a 23 year old grown man! Tell him if he doesn't start contributing he is out of your house, it might be the kick up the arse he needs, he isn't your responsibility and as your brother and SIL don't want him at their house that just shows what he's like, don't pander to him he is taking advantage

There have always been young people like this.

They just weren't on your radar as they were either generally from very wealthy or extremely poor backgrounds. The first lot lived off their parents while the second off the state.

It doesn’t excuse being unable to take on basic adult responsibilities and treat others with respect and consideration. Which this 23 year old seems unable to do.

Where is his father in all of this?

We have heard his mother doesn't want him (which is terrible btw given he only graduated last summer)
But what about dad?

Why isn't he more involved?

Parents washing their hands of their adult children when they have enabled them,
Is poor. Especially palming them off on relatives with a young family of their own.

He sounds like he is in a rut and could do with being parented. This is what parents are for.

And some therapy.

It doesn't give teens and young adults excuses not to get a job and be part of society.

Well you seem to feel it's your SILs fault but surely now you can see why she chucked her DS out. At 23 he's basically seen you and his DPs work and pay the bills and he thinks you're all stupid, why should he work when he can sponge off you all? He thinks he's too clever to work.
He needs a massive reality check Op, he thinks he'll live off family and probably GFs forever. Get your DH on side and give him one last chance, if he doesn't shape up out he goes. And make sure you warn any other family who'll do what you did

He’s on UC.

Stop being a doormat.

He's like this because you are enabling him to be.

He doesn't want to live with other family members because they stopped enabling him.

Tell him he will be moving out on X date and call the police to have him removed if necessary.

He won't change otherwise and he will continue to abuse you.

Is this what you want?

You aren't doing him any favours here by just tolerating him.

What’s the situation with UC? They would normally be hounding him to get a job, or removing his benefits. Does he have some disability or illness?

He's 23 not 13. He should be sorting his own living arrangements out. Tell him to go to the council and tell them he's homeless like anyone else in his position would have to.

The OP said he doesn't get on with his mum and dad.

If you have no parents who can help you for a variety of reasons e.g. location, space, unless you show you are a compete a-hole other adults will help you.

It isn't rare.

The issue is this adult doesn't realise how lucky he is to have someone already there.